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Why can't I be normal

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #207449

    Gaia
    Participant

    Not even my anxiety is normal, or easily understable. Sometimes it's like I get moody or so overwhelmed with myself, with my life, overwhelmed with annoyance and anxiety/sense of weirdness about myself and my life.

    It's like I suddenly hyper aware that there's something really wrong or weird about my way of being/thinking, I feel something's wrong with my sense of self and I can't exactly pinpoint that and so I get panic, annoyance, I feel like instinctive.. it's hard to explain, but I'm tired of feeling like this. One moment I'm ok and the other I feel and think something's off

    I get hyper existential and abstract but frightening anxiety “thoughts” about myself til now, I feel crazy, what's truth, what's not? They can't even be described as “thoughts” cause thoughts carry a sense, a cohesion and logic, mine are like a web of abstract patterns and connections of fear me myself can't even grasp but still are there and frighten me. Oh my, what's wrong with me?

    Sometimes I fear I don't exist, sometimes I feel like I'm not merely “stuck” in 1rst person like everyone, it's like my sense of self and consciousness was all over the place.. Sometimes I get this fearful sense that I'm fooling myself “acting” myself and my story and it's like I get “surprised” when they “match”, I know it's hard to understand..and the same is with my personality, what I show outside, what I show myself, like I actually just Always monologue with myself about my life, me directing a movie about myself.

    I seek for what was Always wrong with me, like it's too hard to grasp.. too subtle, I'm tired of this anxiety

    #207461

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    You believe deep inside that there is something wrong with you. It is scary to believe that. But is it true…?

    Having communicated with you a bit in the past, I think that this core belief, that there is something terribly wrong with you, originated in your relationship with your mother, when you were a child. Reads to me that you were reluctant to share about it in a previous thread. If you would like to share about it now, on this thread, please do.

    anita

    #207467

    Gaia
    Participant

    well I never said it was about my mother, me and my mother Always had a fair relationship (not saying that she's perfect, she has a dramatic trait to her that influenced me yeah, but my  problem mostly originated as OCD in teen years)

    what exactly do you want me to share, however?:)

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Gaia.
    #207471

    Gaia
    Participant

    I'm open to suggestions about my anxiety

    #207473

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    In your March thread you wrote: “my mom, she's … extra-sensitive and somewhat victimist. I don't like a lot to share those things with her cause later, I feel like I have to comfort her too besides myself, it's exhausting… she's somehow easily offended and emotional”-

    It is scary for any child to have a parent, a main caretaker that is anxious. To feel safe a child needs a calm parent, a parent that the child perceives as strong and capable.

    Can you elaborate on “extra sensitive”, “victimist” and “easily offended and emotional” ?

    anita

    #207481

    Gaia
    Participant

    “extra sensitive” because she's emotional, attuned to Others feelings and on the bad side, touchy. She's easily moved to tears

    “victimist” it links to touchy. She's emotionally expressive and on the bad side, overwhelming, lamenting and self-pitying, and so it links to “easily offended” she can take personally even things that don't revolve around her.

    I'm now starting to comprehend that the main issue with my mom about childhood was that she was often absent for work, ever since I was very little. She was caring when she was home, but even tired or “dramatic” in emotional expressions, I think this instilled a certain anxiety or heaviness in me, I'm touchy and emotional on my own ways too

    #207483

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I didn't understand “often absent for work”- what do you mean by it and how did it affect you?

    I need to get away from the computer for about sixteen hours. I will be back to your thread, read your post attentively and reply then. If you would like to add more information before I am back, please do.

    anita

    #207489

    Gaia
    Participant

    I mean.. she Always worked and brought food to table, so (even like, Christmas time and stuff like that) she was not constantly daily present, I think this affected me the way any child would be affected if their mother was away for work.. I mean, it affects you somehow. Maybe I also looked at other kids who happened to have their mother fully present home and (apparently) Always light-hearted and felt some envy and longing

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Gaia.
    #207657

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    For a child the main caretaker, usually it is the mother, is the most powerful person in the child's life, not only during childhood but all through life. It is in the context of the child's interactions with her mother that the child's brain is formed, that is, the many thousands of connections in the brain are formed.

    I will look at your interactions, as a child, with your mother best I can from the little information I have. If you would like, read and evaluate what I type next and let me know if it is true to your experience and where it is not true, correct me:

    As the little girl that you were, you witnessed your mother expressing (facial expressions, including tears, voice quality, words used, etc.) intense distress. You saw and heard her suffer again and again… and yet again.

    You in turn became very distressed witnessing her distressed. You naturally wanted to help her and you tried, tried hard to help her, to make her feel okay.

    But you failed. Yet you kept trying. It was exhausting. In your trying, no one was there to comfort you.

    Notice this: an adult psychotherapist sometimes gets overwhelmed by the suffering of a client, a client who is a stranger to the therapist (not her mother). A term used for that is compassion fatigue, I think.

    Imagine a child, more vulnerable and way less equipped than a psychotherapist, not having graduated with a Masters degree and so forth, you can imagine the … compassion fatigue of that child watching her mother suffer.

    You used the word overwhelming, meaning watching her suffer was too intense for you, too distressing. As she expressed self-pitying to you, you felt pity for her, intensely.

    No wonder to me that you were jealous at other kids who had “their mother… Always light-hearted”. You were not a light hearted child because you were burdened with your mother's expressed distress, with her heaviness. Her expressed distress was the heaviness that you carried with you and still do.

    anita

    #207659

    Gaia
    Participant

    It's kind of as you stated. Also since ever I remember, I'm pretty short-fused and easy to annoy/anger, I was also a big justice fighter (it's something I have innate in me) I'm Always prone to speak up so sometimes even thought I don't want I can get into confrontations, as a Young girl I happened sometimes to clash with peers, once one girl bullied me.

    #207667

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    When you were a young child, you didn't know yet that your mother “can take personally even things that don't revolve around her”. I am thinking that you naturally believed her, that people really were offending her, often and a whole lot. You experienced that way lots of injustice, that is, the injustice in people repeatedly offending your mother. And that made you angry.

    Am I correct?

    anita

    #207675

    Gaia
    Participant

    No.

    I never talked about “people offending my mother” only about her being sensitive and somewhat self-pitying

    Me getting into confrontations and having a angry streak wasn't About her because I was mostly talking about my peers and how reactive I was/am in GENERAL not related to my mother (or not only)

    I hope I'm been more clear:)

    #207679

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I am trying to understand: you wrote that you never talked about people offending your mother, talked to whom?

    Did she repeatedly talk to you about people offending her (“‘easily offended' she can take personally even things that don't revolve around her”)

    anita

    #207693

    Gaia
    Participant

    anita

    Dear Gaia:

    I am trying to understand: you wrote that you never talked about people offending your mother, talked to whom?

    I meant here in this thread, I never mentioned that my mother lamenting in my childhood was about people offending her (I meant, she lamented her hard work, health stuff like this, mostly and yes, her being easily offended and taking things personally can be included too but now I wasn't talking about this) and my reactivity towards injustice so, wasn't about her being offended by people but it was general, I was easily annoyed, angered, if I ever catched what I considered an injustice it moved me, I also have a bad confrontational side and so I linked to some childhood episodes of mine in which I could easily get into confrontations or fights (it happened also I was bullied by a peer)

    I hope it makes sense, if not, let me know

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