Dear Anita

I’ve always felt a block in my chest, or better, it’s where I felt most of my intense daily negativity gathered. Maybe it’s just paranoia but it’s like I feel my negativity causing pain and cramps in certain areas of my body lately, like stomach and chest. I remember in elementary school I was already noticeably short fused and a teacher told that like that I was going to have a heart attack one day

Dear Anita

this afternoon in the midst of the usual negative emotions, I started feeling my colon ache bad, my right hip. I am afraid that it aching is linked to my anger, just as I am afraid that my frequent chest hurts may link to it as well (and not to intercostal pains).

I’m afraid that my thread title “my extreme feelings kill me” may one day be self fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes even doing deep breaths is hard, it’s like I pant.

What if my anger is causing me physical sickness without me being aware? What if it kills me

Also what enrages me or saddens me isn’t only explicit disrespect. Even not feeling heard, seen, mirrored or not explicitly showed the same love and warmth than others triggers me. what I mean is, my issue is not feeling hated or rejected but not being actively made feel welcomed or cared for

You know when I talk about feeling possessed is that I literally feel taken by dark and cruel impulses that I can’t control. It’s like Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One close friend I had also mentioned how I can turn cruel and that also my voice “changes”. It’s ridiculous how I can look rational and sympathetic on the outside, no one would ever dream that I can reach psychotic levels of anger and rage. I can also be very empathetic and soft at the same time, seeing people and especially animals suffering makes me cry, once at a party one girl started breaking down cause her ex had died in a accident and I was the one crying along with her, despite being a complete stranger

Dear anita

Your point in the end is to practice feeling safe in social settings by asserting your power and speak out if someone clearly disrespect you. So do you agree my last idea? To be very attentive of my interactions with others, be detachedly objective, in order to accurately point out when I’m truly better off or the other person is safe?

Dear Anita

Nope i never called her a bitch, maybe I told her to fuck off once but generally we’re still civil to each other so it’s not like theres some kind of animosity. Btw yeah I definitely feel your experience, it’s hell. To be always be this angry or to dread every social experience and feel like you’re not worth it. How do you recognize someone who disrespect you now and how do you feel safe in social situations?

With “civil and courteous” I mean that I don’t act like how my violent fantasies say, but I have a reputation for being blunt and straightforward and very genuine I guess, so it’s not like someone can treat me bad and I’ll just say thanks

Maybe people don’t like me at first glance but I can’t change who I am. I already told you how once I was bullied and the adult figures suggested that I was the one who needed to change so not to be bullied anymore basically (disgusting isn’t it?) But I’m done changing or molding myself for others (I know, it’s easier said than done)

Yes dwelling accurately on those episodes is triggering to me but I’ll translate the best that I can our words:

I asked whether the teachers who were going to examinate us at the end of the year were from our school or from another and she basically yelled that they were not from another (exasperated cause it was already said many many times but hey it isn’t my fault if my mind can’t focus) I guess she wouldn’t yell when she has to lick someone ass