Dear Anita

It’s strange to me to picture you cursing others or being spiteful, you always come across very peaceful and balanced and mature

By the way yes, I definitely agree that my anger needs to be vented, I can’t stand to hold it in my body every day every year, it’s a torture.

By the way, one person I’m particularly obsessed with is a former classmate that was and still is member of that team I talked you about. Shes particularly friendly and beloved by everyone she definitely goes out of her way to try to befriend others but she always was particularly passive aggressive towards me or at least that’s how I always perceived her. I can accept sarcasm or loose way of approaching if someone is close to me enough to go past that detached politeness first stage, but if you never seemed to care enough to be friendly to me in the first place you should stay in your lane in any other interactions you have with me. She used to make my blood boil for this and I always resent myself for never raise this up. She also used to only greet my very other close friend without greeting me too hello?? She’s like, everywhere I used to want to be, befriending people around me and kinda singling me out? That’s how I see it at least, and she always sees my instagram stories and often I suspect she tries to make subtly fun of me somehow? I don’t know. If I could smash her head against the concrete I’d do it gladly but actually what happen in the end is that I’m always civil and courteous

Dear Anita

My anger is always this up, since forever actually, it’s only that lately I’m starting to embrace it and i am slowly stopping to feel sorry for my thoughts or hatred, prior I was trying to keep my darkness at hold now if I had the chance to hurt someone either physically, I’d take it gladly. I don’t care.

I’ve beaten myself up for thoughts and impulses beyond my control all my life, I’ve feel guilty, ashamed, inferior, undeserving for them only to ‘protect others’, these thoughts and feelings only hurt me though.

Yes I’m aware that there’s lot of suffering below. Suffering for being treated only decently instead of being loved, for feeling disrespected, for having to cope with my mental health all by myself since almost forever, tired of having to show up for others while others never do the same for me. Tired of having to hold up, of being ignored or dismissed. Tired of myself for never freeing myself. All my life I’ve beaten myself up for being unlovable, stupid, weird, wrong, because others either neglected me or barely accepted me. I’ve questioned it all, I still question it. I ask myself whether this dark feelings are justified at all, someone I know greets me warmly or have me doing small talk, or say they love me and then feel tremendously shitty with myself for thinking so ill of them deep inside. But I can no longer blame myself or asking myself what’s wrong with me, I can no longer take it

Dear Anita

I’m hit right now with extra intense feelings of hatred and rage towards people that implode inside of me, it’s crazy how intense it is, it’s almost homicidal. I imagine myself beating them or say them very cruel things I don’t feel like repeating here. And why? Because often I feel I’m implicitly treated like stupid, or with coldness, or made fun of, or treated like a clown. I wish I could be assertive and notice these feelings as they happen in real time interactions so to make myself respected but often I don’t know if it’s like this or I’m the one overthinking?

I can’t stand feeling like this, it’s a poison. Sometimes I pray I had the chance that people truly showed off as they really are towards me so that I can either exit or stay, sometimes I wish I truly had the chance to beat someone ass. I can’t help it, I’m very aggressive and resentful

Many times I’ve considered I may be borderline or have some personality disorder, given how strongly I need certain people love but can be very hateful and spiteful towards them at the same time

(Thanks for your throughout response to my entry btw. Much of what you read is merely a translation of something a lot more twisted and not easily comprehensive that sometimes still happens in my mind.)

“Upon my multiple senses of selves I also feel like it adds my consciousness who now wants to get better/

I fear I don’t have a soul or a center in me, that I can’t think normal thoughts without imaginating that I’m saying them to someone else and imaginating myself from their point of view/

Memories and images, ‘vibes’, that pop up but I can’t understand if it’s my mind making them up or they come from reality (things I may have seen, dreamt, thought, or a mix of this)/

As I try to fall asleep, it’s like my mind makes up songs, book phrases, places and scary thoughts like: what’s your true face/place, where you are most real (and stuff like this, it’s scary that I can’t find a specific point to this)/

As I fall asleep, my mind can imagine me or a “sense of me” that is physically distant from me/

I definitely feel the detach between my inner self and my interacting/real self, if now I tried to focus on what I say to Others or show to Others I feel the split as it wasn’t the true me and it makes me panic as it makes me think I may Always have showed off a self to my family&friends while my true self is something new and strange to them/

Panic if this state of existential confused fear may repeat in my life causing even more disasters in me, in the way I perceive life with its dreamy memories and vibes, I fear I Always have been in danger in a sick existence/

Feel like what happens to me externally is a mix of my personal inner world. If I see something I fear it may return as an abstract or dreamy memory and so I fear I may no longer set apart reality from this muddle of stuff/

I fear I may not be human and that I don’t have a life like Others/

I feel confined in a state of confused and undefined boundaries/

Panic that I feel there’s something sick and crazy and wrong in my life like it’s non linear (panic increased by existential futuristic movies with time loops, lappings, non linear stuff) it makes me nauseating and so it does that reality is different from everyone point of view, that reality is not just one, I fear I may not exist./

It frustrates me how fragile and weak I am emotionally, like I’m on border of insanity and a life without real pains. What’s wrong with me, why am I like this? I fear there’s no remedy, not even Death, there’s something abnormal about my feelings I can’t trust them…

…especially when it comes to my high school crush. Why did I trust my friend opinion body and soul? My only contact with him was in my fantasies and in what my friend said about him. Did we even see the same reality? I spend a huge part of my life imaginating myself from his eyes (or how I imaginated him seeing me) what I am, beside that? I fear so many abnormal little weird things happened in my life. What I say is nonsensical, my life is nonsensical/

I fear I only ever lived in my mind without contacts with the outside world/

I fear little dumb things I’m used to do: pulling thin hair, moving my finger as I was writing randomly words I’ve been thinking or I dwell on them doing weird gestures and  grins fantasizying

I fear how my mind organizes things and reach conclusions before me or Beyond my own understanding,/

I can’t believe to something for real or pray for real. It’s like my life and thoughts are a little show with my own self like I’m hyper aware or my mind is omnipotent

There’s no me Beyond me imaginating myself or myself from Others point of view. When I think ,feel or do things it’s like I Always watch myself do these stuff/

dear Anita

I feel like I’m doing good enough these days. Coronavirus has spread all through Italy and we all should stay home and avoid contact and going out the best we can. It’s a bit sickening to stay so much inside but however I’m working on myself and trying to be positive for myself instead of toxic. I’m trying not to minimize my pain and try to acknowledge it and instead of beating myself endlessly for indulging in old toxic habits, I try to be accepting of them and remind myself that if they exist, it’s justified. it means I was and am in so much pain that they are needed. I’m trying to stop saying that there’s something wrong with me or that I’m something inherently bad or monstrous, I’m just a person who hurts and have been hurt, but I know that can change.

Sometimes it hits me with shame that I have been also lazy all my life and indulgent and despite that “complaining” even while out there people deal with far worse hardships and still are more mature and responsible than me, but I’ve decided that whenever I’m hit with intense shame or self hatred I’m going to write it here instead of letting it sink inside of me.

I also achieved a new insight: that talking about myself so in depth like I’m doing in this thread just plain terrifies me. I used to think that it would only feel like this in case I would talk with my mom or other certain people but now I realize it’s terrifying in whatever case. That’s another reason I don’t always like to talk with psychotherapists cause opening myself like this is scary and I fear other people responses and opinions, even yours sometimes (not that you scare me, it’s how I feel about everyone in general)

Another part of my life I’ve still not mentioned to you yet is that since I was 12/13 I’m part of a female “dance” team that is very tight and “family-like”. But even here I never managed to make close bonds/friendships even thought I’m supposedly part of this loving “family”. You could say I should just leave but it’s not easy when you are a senior member since forever, even here I feel like life never gives me a chance to throw away those old clothes that no longer suit me, making me die slowly. I don’t know Anita, I know it’s hard to understand me or what I say sometimes, I can almost feel like you’re perplexed or clueless when you read what I write or how I feel about things