Dear anita,

You are right, he is not motivated to getting to know me as a person. 😢

While it hurts, all this conversation is helping me to realize/accept things that maybe i knew but did not want to recognize.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply 🙂

Kay

Dear anita,

Yes, definitely i want an exclusive relationship!

I would need to think how to ask that, without sounding like i want to get married. I think that was part of what i was trying to tell him at the end of our conversation the last time before i blacked out.

Other thing that make me hold back  is that he has a point, we do not really know each other well,  specially because i have like a wall in general with people, so i understand he does not feel like he really know who i am as a person. Or maybe i am just trying to justify him hehe

Kay

Dear anita,

I did not know he wanted to sleep with many women. I did not ask. It was until now that i realized.

I did not ask, but he told me he was in a long term relationship of years before, but they broke up at the end of 2019. And he plans eventually to have a long term relationship again, but not right now. Because he wants to just do the things he would not be able to do when married and with kids, like travel and stuff like that.

Kay

Dear anita,

Happy new year!

Well, many things have happened since the last time I wrote here:

This guy N was on vacation, we follow each other in Instagram and the day before Christmas I saw a friend suggestion because of him, she was a escort kind of woman, I do not know why I opened her profile and her first story was her waking up and I could see N’s bad and shoes, which I knew are his because I drove him to the airport the day he left. Then there was one more story in which she was posing while N’s voice was telling her what to do. That day  I was very upset, angry, then sad…

Then on Christmas eve he sent me a text saying “Merry Christmas”, i replied “Merry Christmas”, then I did not know about him.

Last week i went to the beach because i was about to get crazy If I spent one more day in my apartment, he knew that and that I would return on Wednesday this week. So, on Wednesday he sent me a message asking if I needed a ride or something, I replied that i was fine. Then that night he offered to bring dinner and I was like: What should I do???!! Confusing!!

So, he came to my place and ordered some food, while we waited and during dinner we were talking about what we did during our vacation and blah.

Then after dinner I decided to ask, the first thing I asked was that I noticed that at the beginning he talked about plans and then suddenly he stoped and when he mentioned for example travel plans, he said I should do it by myself. To this he answered that he did not noticed or saw it that way. I did not believe him, I think something happened between the before and after, I just do not know what.

Then I mentioned about what I saw in Instagram, and he was honest, he said he was with that woman. I asked if that is something he usually does, he said that he was traveling with friends. I think he noticed me upset or something, and he said that he was sorry If I understood something else, but he considers himself single and that we are just getting to know each other, plus he already told me he does not want a long term relationship. I said something about safety and seeing other people, thinking about STIs, but starting this it became blurry in my mind…

Somehow what he told me, made sense to me, because as I mentioned before he had not mentioned anything about being boyfriend/girlfriend. But still, I felt like I deserved some kind of respect, if that makes sense.

That night was weird, because during the previous days I was planning on not seeing him again, but that night he stayed in my place and we had sex, but I was like a crazy person bitting him and just being crazy, until he said he really needed to sleep.

The next day he left because he was going to spend new year with his family that lives in another state…

After that i have been surprisingly calm, thinking (but not overthinking), but not getting upset or crying. I just do not know what I want, n one hand I really enjoy spending time with him, when we are together he is really nice and present. But on the other hand, every time we are not together I would think he is just fucking whoever he can, which at the end would be a torture for me.

I think I am scared of ending things…

Kay

Hi anita,

Probably i have seen him angry then, I think his facial expression changes. But I am not sure if he was angry, it is just my assumption.

I really want to communicate with him more. But since now he is out of town it is a little complicated, because he is not very responsive with online communication,  he is more present when in person.

However all this time without seeing him (I make it sound like a lot of time, but it has been like a week) has helped me to calm down a bit, I have been able to meditate for a couple of days now. And thanks to you replying and asking me the right questions, i jave been reflecting about my behavior and communication and how it might explain his change in attitude.

I really hope he gets in touch soon and I do not get crazy again.

Kay

Dear anita,

I think what you are describing is exactly what is happening!

That edging state is so draining. It is like i want to be alone and safe but at the same time i want company, but then i get scared.

And what happens with N i think it is correct as well. And i really enjoy spending time with him, but i get so scared of expectations. I told him the other day i really enjoy being with him, he said he knew it. But i would like to be more what he expects me to be, like act excited instead of disinterested (because of fear) , because i know that eventually, if not already, he is going to get tired and just leave.

Kay

Dear anita,

I have not been very successful in my meditation tries. I think because I am in a period of exhaustion, which usually happens to me after a period of anxiety in which it is really hard to sleep. So, now I just want to sleep all time, so I fail when trying to meditate at night, and in the morning it is really hard to get up, and when I do it it is just on time for my first meeting of the morning, which is funny, because I wish I can wake up to meditate. I have meditated before, and I think the morning is the best time for me.

Starting tomorrow I will have some time off from work, so hopefully I can have a better opportunity to recover and start over.

One more thing that happened is that las weekend I was very anxious, like wanting to talk/chat with people and I went through my contact list I did chat with friends I had not been in contact for a while, which sounds good but it came from a place of anxiety in which I was really desperate, like wanting attention or something.

Last week I saw this guy N a couple of times, and I am not sure if lately my anxiety is fueled a little by him, perhaps yes…. Now he is out on “vacation”, and he is completely out of contact. Which I do not know why makes me think like I should escape, whatever that means. Which has happened to me before with the guy  J from my last post, back then J traveled a lot for work, when he was out I wanted to get over him, forget about him, because I knew I was not my better self when being around him, I experienced all kind of strong feelings good and bad, which made me feel like crazy…

Thanks for reading

Kay

Hi anita,

I thino that might explain what happened!

I have been in psychotherapy for a while now and i feel it has been helping me, when i had a “normal” life before the pandemic at work and started to have a better relationship with family and friends. However after the pandemic started i have been working from home and it kind of isolated me. The main interactions i have are online and work and the almost only person i talk about personal stuff is my therapist and in my head a lot. That might explain why i have so much anxiety, my head is a mess.

I also take walks, not daily but 2-3 times a week and exercise everyday. I feel like that has helping me to deal a little better. I remember the first months of the pandemic i did not walk and i was almost depressed, it was hard to get up in the morning.

My therapist has suggested mindful exercises and medication, however i feel like always is happening something else at work, family or an imaginary problem i create in my head that i delay or interrupt my try to do this. And that is bad, because it is when i need it the most.

Thanks for reading and responding 😀

Kay