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Hi Mark,Thanks for your response. You are right, i put everything out there. There were times i felt so overwhelmed and energy drained. I did everything by my own choice, he never asked me to worry about him or anything. But i knew far back that all that could not be good, that i should stop and think more about myself, but then he was again being all charming that i did think: i guess not everything can be perfect all time, he is not perfect nor i am.I was so angry when i saw him with that other woman, i cried and scream for hours today. But now i feel more calm and think, maybe this is the signal i needed, since i knew far back all this could not be good for me.I do not know if tomorrow i will be still calm or how i am going to feel, but posting this here will help me remember i am going to be fine, i have to be fineKay
I relate so much with you. I had been ghosted by every single man I had interacted in a romantic aspect, and I know the kind of anxiety it comes with it.
I wish I had an answer or solution, but I still do not have one. I am just witnessing you.
Will do. Thanks Anita 🙂
Dear Anita and Mandelbrot,
I am definitely going to mention this when I go back to therapy.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks for your words. I read some of your other replies in other threads and I feel related with you. Has therapy been helping?
I have talked about those dating experiences with my therapist. Talking with her definitely was helpful. I am planning to continue with that and hopefully I can be ok with myself again.
I do not know what is next. I just need to feel fine by myself again, I guess. I started therapy after the first thing I mentioned in this post happened, my my therapist suggested me to take a break since I said I was over it and I kind of closed myself. I rerurned back to ser my therapist after this CX guy dissapeared, but then I have been traveling because of work. I am planning to go back to therapy. Some days I feel ok, but some others I feel overwhelmed and I do not even know why I keep going.
I think my mother did not like me and my father because we have week personalities and we are too sensitive. I have a younger brother, and my mother always loved him, he is more like her. When children we used to fight a lot, but now I think he is the closest person in my family I have.
I remember that when being a child, my mother did not like anything I did or say, sometimes she got physical with her anger and maybe that is why I was so afraid to be alone with her. Some other times she just stopped talking to m, or just threaten us with abandon us, but she never did it. I think she blamed me to exist, because If I was not there, maybe she could have just leave my father, she was clearly not happy, she said many times that when she lived with her parents she had money and was happy, and after being married she lost everything.
Now she acts very different with me, when I visit them, she makes every effort for me to like her. It is not like I am rude, but I quietly isolate myself. I can still see how she is rude and verbally abusive with my father, and I just want to leave because I do not want to see that.
Regarding relationships, I just wanted someone to feel cared and I would do the same for that other person. I would never be bad or abusive.
Is not that I want to give up on having a relationship, but I have to, I think all this is too intense for me to handle it.
I had a couple of times in the past in which guys were interested in me, they were nice and good men, but I do not feel attracted to them in the intellectual part, plus by then I was focus in other things, like school and work.
I do not really remember a lot about my childhood, I do not why but I remember a lot of bad parts, but I am sure there were good parts too. I remember that my mother was always angry at me and that many times I just prayed and wished to die, I loved my father a lot because when he came back from work I knew I would be safe. Then when I was around 11, I distance myself from him because my mother said he cheated on her and I had to chose if I wanted to be with him or her, I chose her, they were supposed to separate, but they never did and they are still together, however since then I am not longer close to my father anymore, we say hello and small talk but nothing more. I moved away from home when I was 17 when I started college, my parents supported me while I studied, because with the gigs I had I just could not pay all my expenses. It was when I started college that I god depressed, I was on medication for about three years, I do not really know what caused that, I think it was because I wanted to be still in high school and I was not ready to move to college, high school was a very good experience, for the first time after many years I had friends again and I did not want to start over, other times I think I god depressed because I was not living with my parents anymore, but I am not sure. During that time my mother changed completely and seemed caring about my situation, however in her intent to care about me she invaded my space and everything, I could not do anything without her knowing, I guess it was because she was scared of me killing myself or something. After I finished college I started to work, I lived by myself, but my mother was always around. Four years ago I got a job offer to work abroad, I accepted it without hesitation, maybe I was trying to escape from everything in my home country including my mother, I wanted to be free. At the beginning I was overwhelmed about being completely by myself, but I god used to it. So, now I do not live with my parents anymore, I visit them a couple of times a year, I wish a lot to see them, but when I am there after a couple of days I want to go far away again, I feel really bad about this feeling because they supported me a lot and I know they care about me, but I feel trapped when I am with them.
I do not know, I guess I would just wait that someone likes me in real life and approaches to me. However, I think that is what I have been doing all this time, which makes everyting sound hopeless for me I know, but I think online dating is too superficial, as soon as there is something minimal that someone does not like, they just vanish, because there are just too many options that It does not worth the effort to invest in someone that has “something” they do not like.
What I would like is for me to find that place in which I was before, in where I did not think in having a relationship at all and I was fine by myself, so I can stop all this pain that comes now and then.
Thanks for sharing.
I am wondering if I would ever have normal sex with someone. I guess It would need to be as you said, friendship first, so that person can really get to know me before jumping into a relationship, so once we are there we can work together on the sex part to work…
I may not be the best person to give you an advice, but I totally understand you. I was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago, I was released from medication 7 years ago and even when there are some times when I feel I am about to get sick again, I try to keep myself busy, group exercise classes are a great option, I think if other people were not there, I would just go home after 5 minutes, because there are days I just do not have energy, but having other people around makes me continue.
Other thing that works for me when I am about to cry is breathing excercises. There are a couple of apps out there that can help with that.
Also learning something that is completely unfamiliar to you can help. For example I do not know how to swim, and while taking lessons I can only think about not drowing
And even if it is just for moments, adding all those is how I can make through the days.
I hope you find something that works for you.
** I am re-posting this, since I noticed my previous post had just too many typos. Hopefully it is more understandable now.
That is exactly what I tried to do when in online dating, during the last year many guys just dissapeared while texting, others after our first date, and I totally got it, there was not an inmediate chemistry during that first date (or first real life interaction).
However with this last CX guy, we saw each other more than a couple times, and text daily through the day, I would say we were about to decide if moving to a relationship or not when he dissapeared, that is what makes it hard for me, plus it brings back the bad memories of the experience I mentioned before, because of the sex topic that was the last topic we talked about. During those last days I was not seeing anybody else, which hit me more.
That is exactly what I tried to do when un online dating, during the last year many guys just dissapeared while texting, others after our first date, and I totally got it, there was not an inmediate chemistry during that first date.
However with this last CX guy, we saw each other more than a couple times, and text daily through the day, I would say we were a out to decide if moving to a relationship or not when he dissapeared, that is what makes ir hard for me, plus it brings back the bad memories of the experience I mentioned before, because of the sex topic that was the last topic we taller about. During those last days I was not seeing anybody else, which hit me more.
Yes, It makes sense. I have always tried all those things like meetups group, classes, etc before, not with romantic purposes, but with like professional or socialization tools. I think I have (maybe not a lot, but enough) good friends, most of them already have their own family and life, but I still can count on them.
I think before all this online dating thing I was perfectly fine by my own, I did never really think that I needed a romantic relationship in my life, but I am not exactly sure why I started with online dating, maybe because I saw everyone starting their own family and I was the only person that have never had a relationship, not even kissed someone. And now when I see in retrospective, I can see myself acting like desperate to have a relationship.
Sometimes I just want to go back and be good with me and myself again, but even if I try to forget everything I just cannot. I try to do not think about all that and I can do it for a couple of days, then the thoughts come again and I feel sad, angry or sorry for myself..
What I know right now is that I am leaving online dating, because people not being who I though they are or just disappearing, is something I clearly cannot handle.
Yes, I am new to online dating even if when I did it almost for the whole last year. I found it a good way to meet people, because in real life I just feel unable to get to know people at first, maybe I am just too shy, but online I feel safer to make contact by text before moving to real life communication.
However I think all the disappearing thing is just to much for me to handle. I would prefer to be rejected even by text, but not by disappearing, because even if rejection hurts It would not leave me with a lot of questions and making me feel like a complete failure.