Hi anita,

Actually i was able to kind of ask him in person if he was seeing other people. He said he is not, but honestly i do not know if i believe him.

Then i do not remember what else i asked, but he said he was not looking for a relationship like leading to getting married and things like that. Which honestly is a relieve for me because that would kind of scare me. But all this part of the conversation is blurry, i do not know why it is hard to remember what i said or what he said.

Honestly i would like to move with the flow, because it seems kind of safe. But i also realize any kind of relationship triggers anxiety on me which feels uncomfortable and i do not know if i should take a break. The good thing is that he will be out of town for a couple of weeks, which will leave me time to do not think much about it, hopefully!

Kay

Dear anita,

This J guy did apologized. He said he did not say it clear at the begining because he was afraid of rejection and he did not know we were going to get along so well, and after the fact, he did not know how to say it without me running away.

I feel somehow relieved and  respected if it makes sense. This is the first time that someone offers me an apology, an explanation.

Othe than that i started to sleep more than a couple of hours a day.

Thanks for reading and writing back!

Kay

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Kay.

Dear anita,

Your therapist sounds like someone i would like to find, someone that really worries about parients and not just their money.
Because all this, i realize that even without noticing it before i already have more than one  relationship in which i feel safe, my friends. They know i am not well and these days they have been trying to cheer me up and distract me from thinking negative.
They do not know the whole story, some of them know i met this guy, and they did agree nack then that when he said he did not have time for a relationship stop right there and if the time was right we would see later. I regret i did not listen. But i am glad i have them around.
Kay

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Kay.

Dear anita,

I will not contact him again, that is for sure.

I read sometime ago about attachment theory, i think i am an anxious avoidant, craving for a relationship but scared at the same time. Maybe that is why subsconciously i always choose people that are not available or not good for me, so i can reinforce the belief that everyone eventually is going to abandon me.

I read too that unhealty patterns can change, with help of therapy and all that. But the last time i was in therapy i felt like i overwhelmed my therapist and she sent me to take a break again, because she said she did not know how she could help me, that it seemed i had the answers already. Perhaps back then i was super excited because i got a new job and i saw everything positive and in a constructive way, but i still needed someone to talk to.

Kay

Dear anita,

I am surprised too, i use to avoid things that make me uncomfortable or feel insecure. Thanks!

You are right, i did not agree to be involved in an open relationship, the only i did agree was not relationship, but not someone else involved. I do not knos what to do next, i kind of suspected he was with someone else a while ago. But anyhow i want to know a lot of answers, but probably the best is to just move on.

He did not say anything back, i am glad, right now i feel my head heavy.

Kay

Dear anita,

I was going to send a short text message, no way i could do it in person!

I was going to say something like:

I know you do not owe me any explanation, however the other day i saw you with a woman and i would like to know who she was, because when i saw with her a part of me realized i might want you more than what i thought i did and i would like to set my expectations accordingly to do not get hurt or anything.

Please let me know what do you think.

Lay

Mark,

I am not sure, part of me want to forget what i saw and still be in that magic bubble. There is one more part of me wants to scream and ask for an explanation, why he did that, why he did not tell me he was with someone already?, do i look too fragile to him than he did not think i could handle it?, was he only playing with me?

And finally there is part of me that is relieved all this is over, perhaps i always knew he was not available (emotionally or whatever).

So, i do not know if i am ready to move on, i want him so much, i miss the time we spent together, the talks, feeling understood. I want to know why and since when he was with her, event though i am not sure i can handle the truth. I feel he is/was my friend and i do not want to lose him, but friends do not lie to each other, right? That is why i wonder if i should ask directly if he is with someone the next time he talk to me. Perhaps he had been trying to tell me over this weekend we talked, but i always changed the topic. He said: “now that i am less stressed i ask myself what next?, what do i want?”, “i do not know what words to say or not to say to you”, “what do you want”. I knew deep inside me, it was someone else.

I know, a lot of contradiction in me.

Kay

Hi Aiyana,

Thanks for your response. I agree, i was wearing pink-colored glasses. All that by my own choice, like wanting to see only what was more convenient to me.

I remember when he contacted me on Friday between all the talk he asked me: “what do you want?” I did not think much then, because he asks silly questions sometimes, but probably he was refering to a relationship, who knows. I answered: “i want you” and changed the topic, since i am avoidant of hearing something i do not want to hear. Probably that was my oportunity to say i wanted a relationship, but i am glad i did not, because deep inside me i knew it was not going to be good.

Kay