I’m back. I cried today. At this point I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully move on. I found one of her necklaces in my RV this last weekend camping. Really tugged at my heart.  I still miss her so much. Why is it so hard for me to just let go of her. It seems so simple. Just move on and start a new chapter in my life. Every time I try, I go backwards. The pain and hurt sucks. God I wish so much I could go back in time and have seen These problems before it was too late. Right now I feel like I’m meant to be alone. No matter what I do, I still come back to her.  I would do anything for one chance to be with her again. How can I still feel this way after 7 months?

thanks.  I’m trying.  I want to text her so freaking bad.  I won’t, but i want to.  I would give anything to hear her voice again.  I know it’s bad and not smart.  Just venting.  I still have some old voicemails saved on my phone.  would it be bad to listen to them?  Would it set me backwards.  This is really hard.  Hurts today.  Hurts bad.

well it’s been a few days, i thought i would check in.

Been doing okay.  kind of mellowed on thinking about her.  Then today i don’t know why.  It hit hard again.  really hard.  I think its hard for me to accept that she is happy without me, just  because i’m unhappy without her.  hard to accept that she found someone else that makes her happy.  that hurts a bit.

i am getting through this i think.  just one of those 1 step forwards and 10 steps back days today.  It helps to write about this to you guys, so here it is.  I seriously can not wait for the day that she doesn’t come in my head or if she does it’s just happy thoughts about what we had, not miserable thoughts about what i lost…

I think i am aware of them.  just hurts.  I’m really trying to get the why and what ifs out of my head.  And focus on “it wasn’t meant to be”.  It’s really hard.  You say that eventually i wont think about her anymore.  I can’t wait for that day to come.  I really can’t.  cause it tears me up inside anytime she pops in my head.  really hurts.  does’t help that i found a shoebox yesterday that has a bunch of cards and notes that she left hidden for me to find after she went home.  and a picture of her she gave to me to keep by my bedside.  that hurt.  Of coarse i couldn’t get rid of it.  I put it back in the closet.  I want to throw it away, but i can’t.

Well this rollercoaster is a bitch. I was watching AGT tonight and there was a couple on there that you could tell was super in love. Rugged on some heart strings and I cried again. Damnit.

Today is a better day.  I’m trying to focus on the positive things in my life.  I’ve really begun to realize that she made me feel like a better man.  Like she was out of my league as you guys have mentioned and when she dated me it built up my confidence and self esteem.  ” i can meet beautiful and sophisticated women”   It really boosted everything in my life.  That’s why i became so motivated.  I liked feeling like that and the feeling that i was that good-a better man in a sense.  When she left she took all that away.  Which i know is my decision for me to feel that way.  I am that good man.  I know that.  I really need to focus on myself and doing things that make me feel better about myself.  Cleaning my house, treating myself(new clothes, nice things, even shaving everyday), enjoying my time with my girls and friends/family.  I feel like when she left, that feeling inside me left also.  Like i’m not good enough anymore.  This has all been a real struggle and learning experience for me.  I am trying very hard.

It became obvious to me the other day. I was bored and got on one of the on line dating sites.  just browsing, no intentions of anything.  I saw this woman on there that is someone that i would think would be out of my league.    Instantly made me feel like “WOW”  I never  realized that that is the type of woman that i’m attracted to.

The woman that i am seeing  now, she is the type that fists my lifestyle.  We would work well together and get along great.  But i don’t think that i’m attracted to her the way I should be.  It’s hard to explain.  She is fun, likes what i like, gets along with me great, everything.  But there is something missing.  And i think that’s what i figured out.  Almost like i need that “diva” or “high class and sophisticated” type.  That’s what i crave and am really attracted to.  Or at least i think so.  I almost feel like if i were to continue with the woman that I am seeing that i would feel like i’m settling for what i should do, what makes sense.  Not going for what makes me feel all giddy and butterflies. (that’s how i felt all the time with my ex).  That’s what we should all feel like with someone right?  I mean how do you distinguish between what is right and what feels right?  or the right thing to do?

I agree.  I’ve always been the type that obsesses on things.  once it enters my brain it’s like you said.  a roller coaster.

i was talking to my ex-wife yesterday about this.  I really feel like when i met my ex.  I met the perfect girlfriend(besides her baggage of coarse).  Now i feel like i’ve lost a “trophy wife” in a sense.  I know that sounds bad, but that’s how it feels.  there was so much about her that i loved.  She felt perfect, even with all the shit.  Now i feel like i’m trying to find the same thing.  I know there isn’t such a thing and that there may be better out there.  but right now it doesn’t feel like it.  I try to think of the good in my life when she pops in my head.  but it doesn’t help right now.   It just brings me back to her.

I will look into that book.  I’m an amazon freak, so i’ll look it up and order tonight.

seriously though.  i wish this would stop.  i really do.  I could have such a happy life right now if i could just let go…

I see your point.  I do understand what you are saying.  I’m trying to convince myself that it happened the way it did for a reason and if we were meant to be, then it would have worked, or she would have wanted to try again.

No matter how hard i try to think  that there was nothing i could have done to change things, i still  feel like i’m blaming myself.  I’m really trying not to and to tell myself that it wasn’t supposed to be and that i did nothing wrong and if i did that i did try to communicate to find out and she was the one that didn’t.

I just miss her and what we had.  I’m sure i can find someone out there that could make me feel the same or better, but right now it feels like she was the only one.  It really does hurt and is very hard at times.  trying to think about other things, it feels like i always end up thinking about her.  Heartache is the worst.

I know i’m a good guy and deserve the best.  sometimes i feel like i’m not and will never get it.

I guess this is really like a drug addiction.  I was finally getting to the point where i could see a light, then a fell off the wagon(texting her) and i have to start all over.

this is amazing to me how much it has consumed me and taken over my thoughts and heart.

I will keep pushing and trying.  I really do hope i can get past this numb feeling or thinking of “this is not her or the way she laughed or looked or smile” situation and be able to love someone for who they are and love myself again.

right now it’s just pain. and then hope.  Which i do not understand that at all.  Why do I have that hope when It’s black and white that it’s not ever going to happen?