Well after all this, this is what i’ve decided to do.

I’m taking a break(possibly permanently) from my current GF.  I really need to evaluate how i do feel about her.  Maybe i think i’m in love or maybe i’m just liking the companionship?  I am going to tell her everything, that i’m worried about the drama in her life, and also that i don’t think i’m ready for this yet, considering i’m still having trouble letting go of my ex.  I don’t think I should be thinking about her and missing her like i do before i try to build a new relationship.  I do find myself comparing, which isn’t fair to anyone.

For my Ex, She hasn’t contacted me since her birthday.  So either she is done and is trying to make a point(which is probably the case), or texting me like she has has brought up feelings with her as well and she doesn’t want that, or doesn’t know what to do.  So i’m going to give it a few days longer, then send her a text just simple asking how she’s been and if she’s having fun with her boys(her oldest is home for a couple weeks from the marines).  Then see her response.  then I may send her that “letter” anyways or not depending on her response.  I know what you all have told me, but i figure, if i do send it and she gets upset or pissed and says no, then i will know for sure and won’t always have that “what if” in my brain.  I know i should wait and slowly build up, but if this is something she wants or is thinking about, then why not?  Or if i do wait, and things do get serious with her current BF?  I don’t think my letter is demanding or needy.  I was completely honest in it and just said in a nutshell, if she is having feelings and can give us a chance, then why not?  And that i know i have my own issues that I did not realize when we were together and I need to fix.

At the end of the letter, i asked if she could meet and we could talk, regardless of her decision.  We never did have a real talk after the break up.  Just a lot of angry and hurtful texting, which texting is so hard to interpret.

I don’t know.  I do feel like if i wait too long, that if she is thinking about me or us that she might decide to wash it all under the rug.  Very difficult.  I wouldn’t be so confused if she hadn’t sent me selfies, or talked about missing my girls and my dogs and that she said no-one has ever cared for her like i did.  There was more things that she said that makes me wonder.  Why would someone do and say those things if they didn’t have second thoughts?

Man this is messed up.  How can i love someone like that?   Seriously unconditionally.  It’s crazy to me.  I need to end this though.  Either something is going to happen or it’s not and I will be done contacting her all together.

So let me have it.  tell me what you all think and how I’m screwing up here.  seriously don’t hold back.

thanks.  hard to accept the fact that i thought i was doing the right thing and if fact i was doing the opposite.  and because of that i pushed away someone very important in my life.  tough pill to swallow.

i went to bout 6 sessions.  It just seemed like they couldn’t give me answers i needed. really just gave me advice and what i should do to move on.  But all of that i had already researched myself.  Didn’t really get into me.  Maybe it was just a bad doctor.  I don’t know.

Anita, thank you.  I guess i wasn’t very consistent or clear.  So with my ex girlfriend.  up until the last couple months I really wasn’t waiting “our entire relationship” like  I said.  Sorry, i need to proof read my stuff before posting.  Being a semi-long distance relationship was working.  She texted or called me as much or more than i did her.  In fact she would call me almost every morning on her way to work, once or twice through the work day, and on her way home, then again before bed.  in the meantime, we would text non-stop all day almost every day.  let alone always sending selfies and stuff.  If she didn’t hear from me in a while she would text me first and the same goes with me and her.  the “waiting”  I guess really began when her oldest son’s issues came about.  Then I was getting pushed aside a lot or she didn’t feel like talking that night, or he was home so we weren’t going to see each other because they were fighting the whole time…  I remained patient and understanding.  I didn’t push or anything for a while.  She knew it was hard for me and just kept telling me that she appreciated it and will make it up to me.  Unfortunately, those words came out very frequently in the last couple months to where, i was thinking “when”.  That’s when i started pushing.  When I should of really let her go then to handle what she needed.

By causing my own unhappiness.  What  i meant by that was that i never really made it a point to have a real face to face conversation with her when things were going bad.  I was too afraid and insecure.  I thought if i try to talk to her about this then she will just give up and leave.  Well that worked out didn’t it….  So instead i was always trying to figure it all out on my own.  I did way too much google research and that complicated things even more in my brain.  If i would of told her when i started feeling neglected that we needed to really talk, and if i would of told her how i really feel and asked her what she truly needed from me. (in fact, she always told me to tell her how i feel, not what i think she wants to hear, and i didn’t)  I think I wouldn’t of been so miserable.  It might of sucked, especially if she did need more time without me in the picture to get shit under control.  But in the end it would of been better.   And she did tell me things, but i didn’t listen.  Even when she would text i found my self skimming and only seeing key words in the text.  I started only reading or hearing what i wanted to hear.(not that I wanted to hear bad stuff).  I was blinded and only saw that she didn’t want me at that time, when in fact she did want me.  she just couldn’t handle that at that time also.

So my current girlfriend…  I am comfortable around her all the time, that doesn’t mean there are things that worry me.  In fact we kind of had a small fight this weekend.   That was uncomfortable.  She does have a minor drinking problem.  Which i don’t know if that’s something that i can  continue with.   at first I thought, that’s cool, she likes to let loose once in a while.  Well once in a while is more often than i would think.   And with her kids.  That’s a struggle.  They are out of control and control her.  It’s all a big mess.  I have small ones of my own.  I’m not trying to praise myself.  But my girls respect me and listen.  with her kids(ages 7&9).  it’s always a fight about something and it ends up being screaming/arguing/crying by the kids and she will just give in.  She has asked me to help with discipline and keeping them in line, but i’m not comfortable with that and when i have, she would fold and give in to them anyways.   Our little fight this weekend has really got me thinking though.  I’m going to talk to her tonight and tell her that I don’t know if i can do this.  And that i’ve also been having thoughts about my ex. and that’s not fair to any of us.  That i need some time to figure out my shit.  It’s kind of good timing anyways.  She will be working a late swing shift this week and gone the next week.  So it might be good for us to have some time apart so i can get my head straight.

So back to my ex.  I did send her  that b-day message.  She replied “you’re so incredibly sweet” “thank you” and did a heart emoji.

that’s the last i heard.  But she was visiting family all weekend.  And I guess she is in a “relationship” still.  And who knows, he may of been there this weekend with her.  I don’t know.  We told each other that we won’t talk about our currents with each other.

So i guess long story short… I have a lot of soul searching to do.

1.  I really have to figure out what is happening with my ex.  I need to get some kind of answer sooner than later, cause i can’t do this whatever it is we have been doing much longer.  It’s tearing me up.  I need to know either we are going to try again or not. And if not, then i need to end all communication with her because it’s killing me slowly.  I found that i have reverted and am now thinking about her all the time.  Not in a creepy way, just that she is on my mind.  Where as before we started communicating again. I was forgetting about her and focusing more on me.

2.  I need to take a break from my current.  and i need to have a good talk with her about everything that is causing flags with me. If we are to end up together, i can’t repeat my mistakes i made with my ex by omitting things and feelings with her.  She needs to know how i feel at all times.  Omitting my feelings is what screwed up everything with my ex.  It all festered inside of me causing resentment.  I really believe that was a large cause of our problems.

3.  I need to really figure out what i need/want.  If i can’t see myself with anyone else than my ex.  Then i need to let go and be alone until i can.  Which freakin sucks ass.  But i do.  I hate feeling lonely.  When you are with someone.  You should be able to think to yourself, i would like to marry her someday.  Not that you ever would or have to, but that thought should come up.  For me right now, i think I still miss my ex and have too strong of feelings for her to let myself accept anyone else in my life.  With my current GF, i can see us living together, ect….  But i haven’t had that “i want to marry her someday’ feeling.  more of this is the right thing to do…  which it’s not if I’m not all in.

WOW.  Sorry about the book…  I guess i’m more of a mess than I thought.  I just know this.  With my ex.  I do love her, with all of me.  I really don’t think there isn’t anything i wouldn’t of done for her, or still do for her.  I don’t know why, but it’s true.  i have never ever felt this way about anyone before.  NEVER.

With my current GF.  I love her as well.  But not the same.  I do whatever i can to help her.  Cause that’s just the type of person i am.  I do love her though.  But i can’t give her all of me like i should.  I do think about her, but not like i should and as frequently as I should, especially being in a  new relationship when i should be goo goo ga ga over her.   Soooooo, i need some time.  Time to figure out what i really want and need to do and what will come with everything.

I really hate this.  I wish i would of never met my ex sometimes.  For someone to make you feel like you are in heaven and the love i felt with her and from her.  I really can’t explain how great it felt.  Never been that happy in my life.  Now it’s gone.  I would of been so much better off never knowing that feeling.   What’s funny is before i met her i never understood how people would meet, then wishing months they would be living together, within a year or two be married.  and be happy forever.  With her, i totally could.  I just know that neither of us could handle all the shit that happened when it did.  sucks.   Life sucks sometimes.  I really think if we would of met a year later.  everything would of been fine.  Or if i could of been a real man and given her the time she needed and space and actually listened to her instead of trying to fix it all.  Things would of been fine also.  SUCKS!  All of this sucks…..

I’ll quit rambling…

Well what do you think about all that.  I know i’m freaking hurting.  I’m such a romantic.  I wish I was a hard cold man that only thought about himself.  unfortunately i’m not. I keep thinking, somehow, someday we will be back together and she is going to love me again like she did.  She really did.  I never felt like that before.

Anita, thanks for your response.  when i got divorced, i was single for 2 years or longer with no interest in dating.  And my divorce ended very well.  we are best friends now.  We just grew apart.  When i did start dating again, i dated a few different women for a month or two each before i met her.  I was attracted to her, how she talked, thought, everything.  Seriously after our first real conversation, everything just clicked and felt right.  I can’t explain it, but I knew she was the one.  I didn’t know about the drama for awhile.  And i can tell you this.  I absolutely hated it.  Still do.  Whenever her drama came up, it screwed up everything.  The reason i tried to help was to help her be done with it.  I just wanted her to be happy, instead everyday there was something and I was her venting post.  Which i was fine with but it did get old.  I wanted a relationship with her like it was.  but because of the drama, it got screwed up.  Yes, I felt Boosted with her, but I was not depressed before her.  I was very happy.  Just alone.  That’s when i decided to start dating.  She just made me feel good, when you feel good you want to do more, do better.  That’s what it was.

My Current girlfriend has drama also, which is a huge red flag for me.  Specially after dealing with my ex’s drama so much.  That is something that I plan on talking to her about.  She has kid/family/work/money issues right now.  And i don’t need that again.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hate drama.  it sucks.  brings down the mood and situation.  I used to be a negative person years ago and i learned that when your negative, you attract negativity.  I’ve been positive and looked at the good side of things.  The last thing I want is more negativity in my life.  I just want to be happy and smile everyday..

So she’s in an exclusive relationship with this new guy but continues to text with you and has even confided in you that the relationship she’s in is not like a real relationship. There’s a message in there somewhere.

Before I answer the rest of your questions, tell me, she knows how you feel about her, right? I mean, without sending the letter, she already knows that you love her and want her back?

B

Yeah, that’s what is confusing also.  some of the things she has told me…  mind trip.  Don’t know what she really is feeling. Maybe she’s confused as well…

Yes, i’m sure she knows that i still love her the way i did and would love to be back with her.  At least i think so.  I’ve always told her what she meant to me.  And in our texting, i’ve hinted around that.  But she knows i’m with someone as well.  I think i’m going to tell my current that I am screwed up right now and am still having feelings for my ex.  and that i need some time.  Cause it isn’t fair to my current GF or myself to be doing this.  I really am a good guy.  Doing this is killing me.  I feel like the worlds biggest jerk.  Sucks.

part of me wishes i would of never met my ex.  For me to still feel this way about her.  Feels like i will never be the same again.  Maybe she was “the one”?  I don’t know how the universe works.  I know i’ve read about people thinking they lost “the one”, then they meet someone else that is better…

I just don’t know.  I know i miss her everyday.  Like there is still a hole in my chest.  I know that I love my current GF.  But the love is not the same.  And she is wonderful.  It’s so screwed up.  I’m so screwed up.  there are things that i wish my ex would of done, but she never did(because of all the other drama in her life).  My current does all those things on her own.  I feel completely comfortable around her, and love hanging out with her.

BUT…

She just doesn’t make me feel the same way.  I can’t explain it at all.  With my ex, when i knew we were going to see each other.  I got so worked up and excited-even after a year of being together.  that feeling never changed.  If i knew i was going to visit her after work or something, i would get everything figured out so as soon as i got off work, i was on the road.

She also made me want to be a better man, a better father, better all around.  I had drive, motivation, self respect, everything was boosted!

Now… I feel like i do the minimum to get by. I have gotten better, but i still feel like something is missing.  a part of me is gone and it’s hard to function without it.

When i am with my current GF, i do feel good and happy.  But just not the same feeling as I had with my ex.

Maybe i need to accept the fact that i may never have that feeling again and take what i can get and be happy with that.  I don’t know.  I’m so lost.  and my heart belongs to someone that may never want it again.  God i’m a freakin mess.

I know i’ve been rambling back and forth and stuff.  I do really appreciate you guys talking to me.  getting you’re opinions and advice has been refreshing.  I think the best thing right now is to stop initiating contact.  It will be hard.  Talking or texting her again, it’s brought up so much feeling inside me.  WOW.

One thing though, it is her birthday tomorrow.  Do i send her a text just saying happy Birthday?  or not?  She did to me on mine.

Hi John,

It’s a good letter, and a good idea to tell your current GF that you need time alone. If you feel this strongly about your ex then you’ve got to give it a shot, right? If you don’t do it, you’ll always wonder. I think that the selfie she sent you may reveal something about how she feels about you, and her showing a little jealousy when she found out that you’re seeing someone — same.  But what do I know?…maybe she wants to remain friends with you and nothing more. So anyway, I say go for it, and then respect whatever decision she makes. I hope it works out!

Well, I asked her if she wanted to meet and it took her a whole day to respond.  She said “Hey.  I don’t think that’s a good idea at this point.  Have a good rest of the week.”  we texted a little bit back and forth after that.

really confusing.  Does she not want to because it will bring  up feelings with her, or she just doesn’t  want to see me period.  or what?  Sucks.  I’m going to send her that letter next week.  We will see then what happens.  Either she says yes or no.  Either way i will know for sure and be able to move on.  This hope and fantasy that i’m clinging on to is killing me.

Hi John,

We all mess up, and your posts clearly show that you’ve learned from your mistakes. The romantic side of me wants to say follow your heart, write the letter and include a lot of what you’ve shared here, especially this:

Loving someone is giving them what they need when they need it and sacrificing if you have to for that time.  I did just the opposite.  I failed her.  I didn’t see it then, but i do now. I would give anything to go back in time.  If i could of just stepped back and let her come to me instead of constantly up her ass like i was when she was hurting…I needed to be #1 right then and there…

What holds me back from giving you that advice, however, is your current GF. She deserves your total honesty. The way you describe her — wow, she seems really great. You say you love her but not as much as you love your ex, and that you think if you had met her before your ex, you would feel more for her. What if what you really want is right in front of you and you just can’t see it? If not, let her go so she can find someone who is as in love with her as you are with your ex, then go get your ex back.

It’s a tough one. You seem like a really nice guy. Hang in there.

B

Well as far as the letter.  It’s already written.  I actually had a custom card made with it printed on the inside.  On the front cover is a picture of a purple columbine flower(her favorite color and flower) and the caption “because you’re special”  The letter itself in  a nutshell says that i love communicating with her again, but it’s bringing up a lot of feelings I though was gone.  and that i want to be part of her life and i want her to be part of mine.  No matter how slow and easy it needs to be.  I have a small paragraph that says that I miss certain things about her, her family, and just her in general.  I say that it doesn’t matter to me where or what either of us has done since we broke up or i don’t care what anyone thinks.  I say that I will be 100% honest with her about everything no matter how small and i wont hide behind and insecurity and be afraid to tell her how i feel.  I tell her how losing her has made me realize how i did change for the worst and that that’s not me.  I’m the man she fell in love with and if she’ll give me this chance i will prove it to her.  About how happy we both were and if she’ll let me i will make her that happy again.  I asked her to look into her heart and what does it really feel.  If there is love left there for me, then why not take the chance.  There is a lot more.  but not too much.  It’s all straight from my heart though.

I just have to wait to send it.  I’m really curious how she takes the birthday card i sent her.  she should get it friday, but i guess she is going to visit her brother this weekend so she might not see it till tuesday.

In the mean time, i’m thinking i will tell my current GF  that i  am  sorting out shit and i need some time to figure out what i need to do for myself.  I feel like such an asshole.  When i started dating again i was moving well past my ex.  her actually talking(texting) me again has brought up so much hope and emotion.  Sucks.

I think if i would of never met my ex, that i still wouldn’t love my current gf or anyone like i did her though..  there was just something about her that just feels like it was my missing piece all these years.  I love everything about her.