Okay, well update…  We were able to do her taxes finally.  with her projected return (not as much as we had thought)  She should be able to pay off all credit bill except for one visa and her car.  We did open up an account for her at a credit union and closed her other bank account.  Our goal is to build her credit up and then she can refinance her car in 6 months for about $100 less per month with better rates and months.

I’m really trying to make it so she can survive on her own.  Unfortunately, even if she did get this job we’ve been waiting on and got paid in the middle of the pay range available.  I still down’ think she could afford and apartment and  her daily expenses.  I was really hoping that it would be better.

So for right now, I am just going to really try to focus on us and making things better.  She is really cracking down on her children and we are putting rules in affect around the house for all the kids, including chores for them.  Trying to make it a equal thing at our house.

Our 1 year anniversary of meeting each other is coming up next week.  I should feel excited and thrilled.  I just feel like it’s another day or week.  It really makes me wonder if this is what my ex felt like.  If she felt guilty and hurt for me because she knew how much I loved her and she didn’t feel that way in return.  Life is a cruel bitch sometimes.

back to my girlfriend.  We are going away for a night or two in a couple weeks.  I’m hoping that helps.

I really think though, once she gets this job and we can get her on a good budget so she knows what kind of expendable income she will have every month then we can make plans or goals.  then I will revisit my feelings and my girls feelings and how we are all doing.  If it hasn’t changed, then I will have to have a talk with her.  I’m not looking forward to that at all.  But If things don’t change, I know I can’t live like this anymore.  for me or my girls.  I feel like such an asshole.

Today is a tough one. Don’t have much days like this anymore but damn. All I can think about is my ex. I really do miss her. I’m doing my best to be rational and what I should. Just really hard today. Days like today. I would do or give anything for another chance. I know that it’s not meant to be. Just missing her like this hurts. Give me the strength I need.

Mark, i am not.  I am first trying to make it better.  We had a rough start since she moved in and my daughter and I talked about giving it a month or two to see if things get better. I told her if not then we will figure things out.  My daughter is number one.

Yes, we do have a plan.  Still waiting on her w2 to come.  After that we will know exactly her money and what we can do to get her back on her feet.  Also waiting on her finding a better job.  She is looking and applying ever day.  She does feel horrible that i am supporting her and her kids.

Worst case, she could live with her mother or sister.  I really want her to be in a good place financially first though.

I’m trying to do the right thing all around.

Thanks Valora.  yes my ex has some growing to do.  She is very confusing in things she says and does then contradicts herself…

It’s almost like she doesn’t know what she wants either…

So i did start a new thread about my life at home now with my girlfriend and kids.

“I feel like i ruined my girlfriends life”

feel free to look at that and comment.

thanks everyone.  Still Struggling….  LOL

well, i’m back….  Got an update, and I have to say i feel ashamed of myself…

So, I should of blocked my ex and told her I can’t do this on and off “friends” thing.  Especially since i’m trying to make a life with my girlfriend but I didn’t.  I entertained her.  Her and i would randomly message or kept playing that word game over the last couple weeks.

Well let me back things up a  bit.  In the meantime, in my normal life.  My girlfriend quit her job that had the crazy hours on December 18th.  She started working a part time waitress job on the 27th and has been doing that.  That job will not pay her expenses, but we are working on that together and she did have an interview for a different full time job that should be able to.   Hopefully something will happen there.

We went on our weekend trip together on the 21st.  It was fun, however we did get into another big fight on the first night towards the end of the night.  I don’t understand why we fight so much?  I don’t know if it’s something that I try to trigger subconsciously. Like if I really don’t want to be with her  and I am trying to get her to have “enough”?  or what?  But dang, it seems like we still fight over stupid shit every day.  Even last night we went grocery shopping together.  This was the first time we really did this.  I got irritated at all the garbage shit food she was wanting to get for the kids for snacks and herself.  She is on food stamps now so the cost isn’t anything, in fact we will probably have leftover food money by next month.  It’s just, I’m so used to only getting healthy things to eat.  More protein, less empty carbs and crap.  That irritated me, but when i brought it up she said that my way isn’t always the right way.  UGH, off on a tangent here…  I know i really need to start a new thread with these issues.  I will soon.  Back to my other crap…

So besides that fight, we had a pretty good weekend.  Coming home back to reality sucked.  I thought it was a good weekend and we needed it.  However, it did really make me miss being able to do that kind of thing more often.  I really didn’t miss my Ex.  I did have a couple memories, but nothing like before.  I just miss that life.

So back to current time…

been messaging off and on, nothing “romantic” or anything.  Just “friends” stuff to my ex.  Playing that word game.  entertaining her, trying to see her motivation in contacting me after she said she want’s nothing to do with me… AGAIN..

Well New Years Eve rolls around….

We go to my friends house, watch the football game, then go over to my other friends from there.  We were smart and have arranged a designated driver so we can both drink and ring in the new year together.  Our first new years eve!   Well I really don’t know what happened.  I don’t know if i didn’t eat right or if it was cause of my diabetes, but the alcohol HIT hard!  I didn’t even drink that much.  I’ve drank more than this before in less time.  I was fine, then i was done.  It was like I was hit by a train.  I blacked out and that was it.  I woke up the next morning on my couch.

Come to find out when we got home, I called my girlfriend my ex’s name a couple times and I guess I was crying for her a little bit.  So that triggered some shit in my girlfriend.  She got mad and lost her shit.  She threw a bunch of shit in our bedroom, and then threw my phone… twice!  She made sure it was broken good.  Then after all of that she felt bad and called my work phone to find it.  When she found it, i had a notification from that freaking word game I was playing with my ex!  and of course her user name includes her first name.  So that compounded things.

OH, forgot to tell you the kids were at a friends that night so they were not subjected to this. Thank god!

So back to my soap opera…

She flipped out on me.  I don’t blame her.  I told her that i was confused(which I was)  I said for someone that was DONE with me and told Kristy that I was the one constantly bothering her, someone that said she wishes us happiness and have a good life… Why would she contact me?  I was intrigued and then once we started messaging, it was just curiosity.  Which is all true.  I know I should of left it all alone and just ignored it.  But dang!  Why would someone do this?  I couldn’t stay away.

Well my girlfriend said she doesn’t forgive me, but still believes that we will prevail over this.  So the last time i contacted my ex was the early day on new years eve.  I left that phone at home that night.  She did message me that early evening asking what i was doing, then after i didn’t respond for a couple hours, she messaged again  ” what, are you ignoring me now?!”  Then later that night she sent something in the chat room of that game.  I never answered anything.  some of the last messages in the chat room in that game was ” i guess  we can’t be friends?” and then a day later she started a new game and said “hello” with a wave.  I haven’t responded to anything.   I deleted the game app off of my phone and blocked her on FB and on my phones.  I have to say, this was very hard to do.  I feel like she was actually feeling some remorse for how everything happened.  in one of the last messaged she did send me she told me she was sorry for ever hurting me.  just out of the blue.  I know it wouldn’t ever do any good, but what i would give to be able to just sit with her and talk face to face about everything.  to be done.  To be able to forgive her and myself.  It’s  just baffling to me.  all of it.

It is something  how this time, i just stopped talking to her and she is the one that kept messaging me, trying to get something out of me.  Crazy.

One other development…  My girlfriend found out she was friends on FB with one of my ex’s boyfriends friends.  My girlfriend got a hold of my ex’s boyfriends close friend/brother (she tried to message my ex’s boyfriend, but she is blocked-go figure. )  And told him what has been going on.  My ex’s boyfriends friend was very surprised to hear that my ex and I have been in contact and sounded like he was going to say something to him.  My girlfriend even took pics of our chat room and sent it to him for proof.  But then he backed out at the last minute.  He didn’t want drama with him and his friend.

Through that though, we found out that they have been together for over a year, and that she had moved into his house a while ago.  No real details, just that she is renting it from him while he is working out of state.  Who knows what that means, if all his shit is still there and she is just helping out with cost and living with him, or if she is renting his house from him?   Who knows.  doesn’t matter.  What matters is all the grief she gave me about my girlfriend moving in with me in September, yet she was already living in his house!  Makes sense whenever I asked her if she sold her house or where she is going to live when she does she would just ignore the question. And sometimes get irritated.

Why are women so crazy?  Why did she make  me so crazy?

So long story short here.  She is blocked all around.  It kills me because I do want to talk to her more.  I really think if I kept it light and friendly with her, she would tell me more eventually about what really happened.  But that is not an option.  Not with my girlfriend.

So to continue more drama.  My girlfriend snooped in my work phone.  She looked back several months.  I forgot to delete something I had in there.  Something about that woman i saw once or twice.  The diva chick…  OMG.  So that was more trouble for me now with my girlfriend.

I was caught in more secret shit i have in my past…  But yet still, she wants to push through and work through all of this.  She feels like we are meant to be together and we are just being tested.  I honestly don’t know what to think.  I know I love her.  I don’t know if i’m in love with her or if I was, but all the kid/work/money drama killed that and now I just feel responsible for her and her kids?

I defiantly feel like a POS!  Makes me wonder though, if i do this on purpose trying to get my girlfriend to have enough and leave?  I really don’t know what my deal is.

She told me that regardless of what happens, if we don’t work out, she is not going anywhere until she is back on her feet.  So this is awkward kind of.  Basically if things don’t get better for us, then She will share a room with her son and I will take over her sons room until she can move out on her own.

Right now we are still trying to make it together though.  I have to give it a shot.  I owe us that much.  Now that she is working days and is home at night, we will see if things get better.  If they don’t then we will have to figure out something.  For now though we will push through.

I do have a plan though for either circumstance.   She should get a decent tax return, so we are going to use that to pay off most or all of her credit bills except her car.  She is currently refinancing her car and we are trying to get her cell phone payment lower.  My goal is for her to only have her car payment, car insurance, and cell phone bill to worry about after taxes are all done.  Hopefully she will be working at the new job full time and better wage by then.  Then if is does not work, she can save money and find a place to live and if it does work, we can focus on my debt and financial crap.  If we decide to stay together, then after she is good, we are going to focus on my debt to try to free up extra money.  Money has always been a big stress to me.  I think that was another thing i really liked about “before”.   We shared costs on things.  She spoiled me and i spoiled her.  It was a two way street.  With my girlfriend. I fell like i’ve been the one helping her this entire time.

I’m trying to plan for both scenarios.  So we will see….

All of this being said.  I really don’t know what’s going on with me….  If i purposely didn’t delete things, or left my notifications on so i would get caught in hopes that she would leave, or if i did it for attention?  I have no Idea.  i am only sure of a couple things.

1.  I do love my girlfriend, i just don’t know if I love her the way I should or if i’m clouded because of my past or her kids or money?

2.  I am not missing my ex like i was and this recent communication with her helped me, the fact that she is bitter, but yet done the same thing.  However, I do love her still.  I don’t know how to stop that feeling.  I love her more than my current girlfriend and that kills me.  I wish I didn’t.

3.  I need to make myself happy.  If that means getting my girlfriend on her feet so if we don’t work out, then she can leave then that’s what it is.

4.  I am very confused about my ex and her intentions.  Maybe she does miss me just as a friend or maybe more?  Or maybe she still has guilt and is trying to fix that in her own way?   Who knows.  I really wish she would talk to me straight out and answer my questions i do have, but she won’t.  I don’t know if it’s because of guilt or what.   Questions like that i will never have an answer for.  I am trying to be able to accept that.

5.  What is meant to be will be.  Just like you’ve all said.  If we are meant to be together, then someday it will happen.  Right now I need to focus on what I have and make the best of it.  I do feel like every day is a struggle though.  I am trying to make the best of it.

Thanks.  it’s very hard not to fall into that hole  again.  She is so jealous of my girlfriend.  Yet she was the one that told me to move on, she was the one the left me.  She was the one that started dating again only a month after she had left me because she couldn’t be in a relationship.  It’s like she has issues with someone else making her ex happy.  Even though she told me several times i needed to find someone that can give me what i need and deserve.  and how much that she has moved on and is with someone else and I need to do the same.  But yet when i have she despises her.  She even referred to her as a bitch.  I don’t get it.  If she has such a problem, then why did she ever leave me in the first place and tell me to start a new chapter in my life and find someone?? Like i said, i think she has to be in total control?  And for her not to be with us, is what drove her away.

I must say, i still do love her though.  Crazy how the mind and heart thinks differently.  I am being good though.  Still going to stick to my plan.  Tonight is my girlfriends last night on that shitty job, she will have a week off, then start a part time with better hours.  I will stick it out with her for awhile to see if i do feel better about us once her schedule is better.  If not, then i will have no choice but to move on from her.  One thing i have learned is that I can’t keep putting on a fake smile hoping things will get better. Either i will be completly happy most all the time, or i will be miserable and build up more and more resentment.  If things don’t get better with us, i do want them to end a lot differently then with my ex.

Yes, that’s what i think.  Just odd to me that she called.  Mrs. text message actually picked up her phone??  She probably wanted to chew my ass over the phone.  Oh well, it was 3 months ago.

I am focusing on my girlfriend this week.  Her best friend is flying in from California tonight for the weekend(she has no idea), then surprise birthday party for her on saturday.  again no idea, then next weekend is our first get away together. (again, no clue).  I’m very excited.  I love doing this kind of shit…