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cali sisterParticipantAnita,
I do not deserve to suffer at all. No reason at all. I deserve to feel refreshed and not cringe. I know I will find what I love and that still point. I know it in my heart. I just do not know the first step to take – with regards to career.
cali sisterParticipantAnita,
I understand. When I see people around me doing what I will eventually do starting next July, it makes me cringe. And they are not cringing. They enjoy it. They put work into it bc they want to. I do not want to.
cali sisterParticipantDear anita:
Thanks. One of the things I struggle with the most is this: I wrote this to myself prior.
I have been miserable and suffering all of my life. And now I am stuck in this job that I truly believe I hate. Why do I have to continue suffering. At this moment in my life, you may ask, wouldnt you hate any job? I do not think so. I am creative. I want to express that. I really do not like what I do, and I have known this for years. Should I have stopped while I was in school? Probably – but that time has passed now. Everything i remember about my life has always been a struggle. from inviting gabriella over to my pool to being bullied in high school to being suicidal in college. why do i deserve to keep struggling and suffering. I am only 25. why would i continue doing something i hate so much. I have no desire to read the things I have to read – I could care less. Life is short – i do not want to spend it like this.
I feel that ^ way very often. And then sometimes in a couple hours i say, well suck it up youve made it this far, you have your doctorate, just do what makes you happy on the side. Fine – but its so hard for me to even get thru the day or wake up since i really hate it. Thus, I go back and forth. Reality wise – I would love to have a career coach or someone who can help me decide what to do. With the path im on, money is not an issue. I can’t just quit
cali sisterParticipantPeter-
I love the wheel with spokes analogy. That works perfectly for me. The still point. When you typed about that, I had tears in my eyes. It was so beautifully written.
And yes, the puppy is a great way for me to practice. Thanks so much for your insight. I will write more when I get the chance.
cali sisterParticipantHi anita-
My sister and I love your responses and hold them very near. The reason I dont respond (sounds stupid) is bc I get so overwhelmed and then do not even know what to say..and then time passes. I will no longer do that.
In response to your questions – yes, I moved across the country. And will probably never return physically close to her. I still am on the anti-depressant but will likely be switching or tapering off. I have not seen a change. Will be seeing a doctor soon – i made an appointment. I myself am a clinical pharmacist.
As far as for therapy – I did therapy here. And my free sessions ended with that man. I have someone who is certified in CBT – appointment is set up, but it conflicts with my work schedule so I may have to change it around.
Moments when I feel no anxiety – when I lay on my back and do not THINK about breathing. When I am laughing at something I find very funny (it is not hard to make me laugh).
Later in this thread, I would like to tell you about my work anxiety as well. Thanks so much for what you do, anita
cali sisterParticipantPeter – thanks for your insight. The dog example is great – esp since I love dogs so much and just got a puppy! I am just so sick of always having a baseline anxiety. I have no idea how it feels to just be. I am always so tense.
What kinds of meditation have helped you?
cali sisterParticipantthank you so much, anita
cali sisterParticipantHi anita,
I am going to jump in here really quick – I am the sister of Cali Chica. Thank you so much for writing all of your posts. They have been really helpful. I have to leave for work in 15 min so this will be a quick one – just wanted to tell you the recent whirlwind of events. my mother is having an episode of some sort (hard to diagnose properly) – but in layman terminology- she is going even more insane. she is harrassing my sister and i verbally. last night she called saying that our father is having really bad chest pain (he has coronary artery disease so this is not a minor thing). and then changes the story and says “not that type of chest pain. he has chest pain in the center, from throwing up all day etc”. So my sister and i are on the phone wondering what is true what isnt. i call her and tell her to call 911 if it really is that bad. she starts screaming horrendous things and me and then proceeds to tell me not to come because she knows i have work tomorrow (because of course she is so caring). and then continues to scream about how this has all happened because of us, and she needs to take care of her husband, and that as parents they have done so much and this is the suffering they get from their sacrifices. idk if my sister has mentioned to you in the earlier posts about an engagement party coming up..literally in one week. which they change their mind about every hour and harrass my sister and her in-laws – switching between if they will attend or not. they forced a family meeting to happen today between everyone, however now are saying that since dad is too sick – we cannot make it. it is insanity. it is lifechanging because i see the truth but i also do not know the solution. it is also very hard for me to think..wow this is my life. these are my parents. i dont really have parents. and then i look back at memories when things didnt seem this bad. it all feels like this horrible breakup. sorry if this post is all over the place. i am writing it quickly with a roller coaster of thoughts.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.