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cali sister

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 338 total)
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  • in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319799
    cali sister
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I agree. But to be honest – my mind is so overtaken by that anxiety so I am unable to focus on anything else. I’m really struggling right now. So if we could focus on that work post first – and then I’ll be able to understand the mentor thing better. I don’t want it to take away from acute things that are bothering me if that makes sense

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319793
    cali sister
    Participant

    I apologize for that rant. It was 3 am. And I was exhausted. Today is a new day.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319773
    cali sister
    Participant

    Awake again. He’s having an upset stomach every two hours. My sleep is so important right now and this happens to him often.

    my sister knew that I was hesitant about watching him. It’s not the best idea or restful for me. So I feel angry right now. I’m especially angry because I know she won’t like that I told her that he’s sick (because it’ll ruin her experience blah blah) – but I mean what about mine? After all this stuff, I need rest too. She should have hired someone to watch him. That’s what I’m doing for my trip. I am not having her husband watch my pup.

    Rest is completely necessary for me right now. My immune system needs it. I don’t want another flare. I hate that I have to be weary to text her that he’s having diarrhea in order to protect her experience there. I told her. And she’s going to have to be able to handle it. I can’t always keep everything a secret to protect her.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319765
    cali sister
    Participant

    Great.

    I awoke because my sisters pup is having stomach issues. He also will not stop crying. Not an easy pup to watch. Here are my thoughts:

    Before I go on this vacation, we must discuss this:

    1. How come because of this one unpleasant interaction – I think the result of it is losing my job?

    2. How come this reaction immediately discredits all the work I do and makes me completely unfit for my job. Leaving me feeling like I don’t deserve this vacation. It’s like I have this interaction in front of my boss and I suddenly am undeserving and don’t do anything right. (There is also an insecurity there because my personal issues have been so overwhelming that it is difficult for me to put my all in work like others may be able to- of course. I mean … that is a given). You know how people who go through depression or hard times etc – they focus their energy on their career as a way to distract themselves? I have always wished I could be that person. But it’s not. In other words, I would like to be better at my job, but my life issues have made it difficult to do everything. I need to be nicer to myself. To forgive myself. And accept that this (NC and whatever I am going through) is major. Another thing is – I feel quite embarrassed because that morning I told my boss about some unprofessional behavior of a staff member. And then here I was being told that I did something similar. But- I am sure this has happened to everyone. And we all make mistakes… right?

    talk soon.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by cali sister.
    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319735
    cali sister
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    in response to your email, I would love to work on a relationship like that.

    but – yes this work thing made me so emotional and anxious. I’ve just been in bed since I got home. Realistic thoughts are far.

    I hope you enjoy the tap room. My friend R invited me out tonight, but all I wanted was to lay. So I am.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319549
    cali sister
    Participant

    Never! I remember once – when we went to a yoga class together – the teacher announced a meditation class. And I said oh let’s go to that! And she said “that’s for those people. I already know everything and practice it. I don’t need to hear any of that.”

    I was …. no words hahahah

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319529
    cali sister
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I responded to your email from earlier this AM – excited for you to read it.

    Dharma – what an important concept. And how right you are about them not practicing this at home.

    Superficial things about my rich culture – yes, the rich culture of India is just so exciting, so it was important to me. But trust me, I know that they don’t actually practice the philosophy. My mother would read the bhagvad gita daily. And I remember always thinking – what is she even reading or getting out of it – because she truly practices none of it. It’s quite humorous.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319225
    cali sister
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I hope your walk went well. Looking forward to your email.

    Today, my yoga instructor stated (I cannot remember the great way he stated it) – but something along the lines of — you do not need something or someone to feel love, because you yourself are love. You are just that.

    It was an intense hot yoga class with 15 min meditation after. One of the best classes I have ever been to. I’m very glad I went.

    The class had a lot of Hindu influence – made me think of how my parents were the one who had that cultural knowledge  – they were the ones I went to temple with and taught me all the cultural values etc. This weekend is Diwali and our new year (my state). I was saddened by this – saying goodbye to this education they were able to give me. It was very special to me – their stories. Parrot has a vast knowledge about this stuff and I loved learning about it.

    Makes me think of my language too. How I speak it so fluently. I feel that NC – means I said goodbye to learning certain cultural things.

    I no longer have someone to teach me such things and keep the cultural traditions. Anecdotes from India. Sad..

    Good night anita.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by cali sister.
    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319205
    cali sister
    Participant

    Anita,

    I like that perspective because it takes away from this societal belief of “good vibes”

    Not sure if you know – but it has become this huge thing on social media. Pressuring people to have this positive energy. Again. The pressure.

    Im Walking to my yoga class now. Today has been a day if lots of tachycardia(rapid heart beat). I have days like this often. It’s not comfortable. This baseline anxiety. I remember when we first started talking – you had said it’s impossible to feel anxious at all moments. But I can tell you – that it sure feels like it. Whether it’s possible or not.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319181
    cali sister
    Participant

    Yes. the first breath. Tearful at first. But then fascination. How amazing.

    1. Self parenting – I want to talk about this more  how to do this – there’s so many books on this but I wonder what it means for you

    2. Positive energy – I think my energy has been very negative these past couple years. This fear. Letting go of the fear – is essential. Do you believe this to be true? That there is such a thing as vibes and energy. And good attracts the good?

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319171
    cali sister
    Participant

    How wonderful. The fetal position in yoga class is called the pose of rebirth. I am going to a joint yoga/meditation class later today. It’s been difficult for me to find the energy or motivation to exercise since NC.

     

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319161
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    Yes – I shall do that.

    Yes – a necessary step. Today, I realized – I no longer have to worry about them, and it was this cool feeling (cool meaning temperature) – like a whoa, free, crisp cooling feeling. It was a moment of…relief. And..aha! I was on one of the medical floors with my medical team. And I looked around and smiled. It was a moment of freedom. Went away pretty quickly, but I became aware.

    Baseline boredom and not forcing feelings I think go hand in hand. That is my daily homework. Also – to not assume hostility.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319157
    cali sister
    Participant

    ^above did not reflect

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319111
    cali sister
    Participant

    Yes-

    growing up – she repeatedly told my sister and I – that America is horrible. And India was better. So we grew up thinking that another world that is better than the current one existed. We grew up thinking it was a tragedy to be in this world. So everyday was mourning. HOW insane !

    remnants of that still exist of course.

    also random – but sometimes throughout the work day, I remember that I don’t have anything to worry about and I feel free and happy. Sounds silly doesn’t it?

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #319101
    cali sister
    Participant

    dear anita,

    Thank you for the reminder. I hear what you are saying loud and clear.

    I think one of the first steps is to also realize that reality is not in fact boring, and this is just fine. Parrot lived in a world that sucked and was always trying to escape it- saying other worlds were better.

    I know, like you said, easier said than done. But – it is a step that I can take.

    About to see some patients. Write soon.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 338 total)