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It appears my sister is writing again. I am glad. In reaction to your post, it made me feel emotional. I was waiting and waiting for your response but I think I overlooked the email notification! I am glad I finally checked! Let me update you on some things:
New years eve – i had a true breakdown (yet again) – instead of going into the details let me explain my conclusion which I shared with my sister this AM.
This is MY life. not my sisters. not my parents. mine. when i think of myself, i see this tortured soul following what im supposed to do because it is what society is telling me to do. i cannot anymore. i refuse. i am miserable. i want to be free. i want to be excited for my future not hate everything about it. i have made the decision to not immediately pursue a pharmacist clinical career after this year of my post-doctorate training. i have time. i will do something i love. will be happy. i will volunteer. i refuse, REFUSE, to just do the next normal step. i need rest. i need a break. i cannot do it anymore.
and let me tell you something – i am so happy. i am so excited. i love ME. i cannot wait!!!!!! im excited for me. i can make me happy. i cannot wait to wake up and not hate what i have to do. i have 6 months left here – and i will finish strong. i am very, very smart. i know i can be an extremely successful as a clinical pharmacist – i can be one of the best. but not right now. it is not the time or my time for that right now. it is time for me and my mental health.
the man that i talk about and stood up to – lets call him…Alex. To remind you, he is the one that i cannot seem to shake off. does he communicate the way i would want? no way. but when i am with him, something is just so great. i just cannot shake him. i am seeing him tonight. but as i was telling my sister, i am excited to see him, but even more excited for ME. that now i can finally just do what i want. i CAN be happy. i CAN take a break. i am so inspired by those people who were in a horrible job they hated and just quit and changed their life. is it easy? no. but i am willing to try. i am not saying i will never be a pharmacist. but right now i need a break. ive been studying since 2010. i cannot anymore.
anyway, though as i was saying, i was trying to make the point that my focus of the entire day is not ALEX. it is an exciting part of my day, but now there is something bigger than boys. it is me – and the reason i finally found this focus is because i took a step (mental step) that i can create my own next steps. i do not have to do what is supposed to happen next in my career.
why is it that i keep getting horrible results from dating and yet i continue to do it? is it true that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?
i am obsessed?
i hope you had a great weekend. i hope the following can bring some cheer:
this christmas weekend, i had a positive experience – for the first time. on christmas eve, i was taken in like family and went to an amazing gathering with lots of children. i felt at home and safe. on christmas day, i attended not one, but two parties! holidays for me are always spent in so much fear. before they come, i have so much anxiety – my mother has ruined the holidays for my sister and i. she has made them so horrible and unbearable. last night, i was able to have a christmas dinner with my friend who i have recently become very close to. the family bought me presents and said “i was a new member of the family.” i was so overwhelmed with how nice everyone was to me this weekend that i was unable to take it in and process it. it was something i was not used to. when my friends aunt hugged me, i felt a hug that i havent felt before from my mother – it was a truly caring hug. i realize how horribly selfish my mother really is.
back to the overwhelming feeling – it is SO INCREDIBLY HARD to not think there is always a problem. i need to learn steps on how to make myself aware every maybe 5 minutes or so that …everything is actually fine. i live in fight or flight – i am always worried about something but 85% of the time i’m not sure what is even it. same thing when these people were so nice to me. i wish that i always did not feel like time is running out. i am always in a rush..but for what? (my mom always made me feel like death is upon us)
nightmares are worsening during this time, but it only makes sense. it is a traumatic time.
Thanks Jim – i try those practices on a daily basis. Exercise definitely helps and it has become part of my life now. GAD is hard but we can all get through it together. Natural ways are the way to go. Although I am a pharmacist myself, i am not a huge proponent of medications – at least for long term use.
my nightmares have gotten much better – to be honest, increasing the comfort in my bed really helped.
here are my current thoughts when it comes to men: that man that i stood up to..i reached out to him again. I kept initiating. It became very obvious very quickly to me why this man is definitely unable to give me anything i need. Yesterday, i had a little victory again. I finalized that we can no longer talk and stated my reasons why. this was more finalized and firm for me – not as impulsive due to an event. more so a well thought out process and decision made afterwards. although i still have a lot of anxiety when it comes to men, like i wrote previously, i do not feel as vulnerable anymore. it will take time and practice. yesterday, my friend and i went to a bar for a beer. for the first time ever in my life – i did something silly – i wrote my phone number down on the receipt bc the bartender was cute. he never texted me but it was an empowering feeling. it was fun and i felt young. i felt my age and i felt that it was ok in that moment for that to be the only thing i am worrying about. it was ok not to worry about my dad death or my moms loneliness. it was ok for that one second to think this guy is cute i want to talk to him and if thats all my evening is about – it is ok. not everything is a catastrophe. Now this bartender will probably never message me and i probably will never go back to that bar- but hey – cheers to experiences!
a practice that i am doing right now is really trying to see what I THINK. my thoughts are usually what my sister would think or my mother. i do not have my own identity. the other day i was reading my childhood diary to my sister. my diary from when i was 9 years old is literally just the thought process of my mother. it is not my own opinions or created perspectives.
will write more soon.
yes, my parents are miserable people. they abuse and then remain tortured themselves. sometimes my sister and i think that they know deep, deep inside that they are evil.
how can i be free of these nightmares and why did they start now?
today, i woke up with severe anxiety. already. before i even go to work. how am i supposed to do ANYTHING feeling this way? how can i enjoy or how can i even do work.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by cali sister.
I see more clearly now. However, I also wonder about life skills – money etc. I cannot tell if some of the things my father has taught me about managing money is correct or if it is a scheme to keep me near and continuously need them.
On a separate note – I also would like to speak about my nightmares that have been occurring for the past 2-3 months. Nightmares that consist of all my traumas in one dream. They consist of parents, bad friends, bad men, and horrible family members. Everyone is in one place and torturing me mentally the way they all have individually. I have never been someone who has trouble with sleep. These nightmares just leave me unrested.
I once had a dream that my father chased me around this mall type building and used a knife to engrave something in my wrist. Last night I had a dream that my mother tried to commit suicide by drinking a bottle of vodka – when asked why she wouldn’t speak and I felt this type of frustration that I have felt my entire life with her – kind of like WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS. And then I woke up. I have grown up with suicidal statements are just stated as if it is normal. When I was young, my father hit my mom’s thigh very hard in a mall parking lot. When we returned home, my mother said she will start driving on highways now even though she doesn’t know how and “who cares if i die”
you are an inspiration. yes anxiety robs us from so much and i am sick of it! and so i continue my journey.
one of the the concepts i really struggle with is trying to figure out which things my parents taught me (if anything) are actually good. or is it all bad? have i learned anything good from them? were they acting like parents at ANY point? i am left so confused. i must have learned something…positive?
i understand. my sister and i have been doing lots of talking about such things and reading articles that help us. two of which i’ll share:
I thought maybe you would enjoy these as well, if you have not read them already.
We are in a way conducting therapy with each other and talking everything out. as you know with CBT/DBT – things sometimes get worse before they get better – you are unraveling. Having these conversations has in a way helped us but our anxiety has also increased. So much to the point that I had some sort of “amnesia” recently. I forgot basic things that I’ve known forever. I have read how severe anxiety can cause memory loss sometimes. I just thought it was crazy that i experienced it myself.
I bought the tiny buddha journal of gratitude for my sister and i. we are excited to start doing it together in 2018.
YES. the brains of my sister and i are always yelling at us. this feeling of “all over the place” is extremely overwhelming. but now that i am more aware of WHY – it is easier to get through it.
updates: i am dating again and making it clear to individuals i meet that i am looking for something serious. i write this here bc i would like to see my progress and my thoughts after these experiences with these men. i think i am already doing better with men since i have been able to stand up for myself. the one guy i have met so far has gone fine but i have not felt vulnerable. i like it. its not bc he hasnt made me feel it. i am not feeling it on my own.
today my goal is to spend my work day without the constant feeling/need to escape. it is not that i hate the job. i am trying to escape from myself as i sit at my desk and forget to breathe, cannot focus, and shake. let’s see what happens today.
i understand what you are saying. and i hope you have been well. i hope to have this safe relationship soon enough – the most difficult part is how to cope in the meantime.
with regards to my puppy, i have gotten better with some aspects. however, i am still unable to enjoy his company sometimes bc the entire time i am questioning if i am really giving him my all.
i always feel all over the place – when i’m doing one thing, i feel like i should be doing something else. i would love to just feel content in the here and now.
That was perfectly on point. My sister and I read it on the phone together. I will try to stop rejecting so much.
Let me paste here my diary entry from last night to this morning
I lay in my bed crying. Releasing. And suddenly I have a moment of clarity again. I’ve felt alone my entire life. Tortured by family. I’ve felt like an orphan. Never really had anything. Yes you have to be strong yourself and find it all within you but is it so much to ask to just have some sort of support system. Never had the family. Never had the friends. Of course I’m searching for something to fill that void. I’m trying to find it in a man bc idk where else to do it. I refuse to take find it within you an answer. It’s not fair. I deserve to have that support. That feeling of love and safety. I’ve never had it. Not for my entire life. Can anyone in this world give me any respect ? Please.
Parents and others have always made feel uneasy and unsafe.
Sometimes these moments feel good. Bc I feel like I can actually feel something that’s real and not forced into
Now it’s the next morning. I feel a little better. And I’m glad I let it out. I feel like I can do this. And can conquer. Why these sudden mood changes?
hello – thanks for the reply. yes i try to do that mentally and i am getting better at it. i try to make the practice of self-love a lifestyle. i am making small baby steps towards this.
the man that i stood up to during my little victory works in the same building as me. today, i found myself being hypervigilant – scared he would appear anywhere and see me. i have been on edge all day and am even avoiding walking in the halls as much as i can so i do not run into him. he never reached out or apologized. i feel hurt by that – he did not want me back, even though he was in the wrong. although i am proud of myself for “having the power,” i still feel hurt and my self-esteem has been a little injured. although i am the one that ended it, i am scared to see him.
another thought – this new puppy i have kind of fell into my life when i am not really exactly ready for the responsibility of a puppy. Now, i am the biggest dog lover that i have ever met (ask my sister!) – so i struggled with this concept a lot in the beginning – my feeling of well “oh my, you have a dog now so shouldnt this make you so happy. and shouldnt you spend more time with him? and you shouldnt get tired of him and want to do your own thing bc you love dogs.” Today i looked at my adorable puppy (he is truly too cute!!!!) – and i accepted the fact that he came into my life not at the perhaps right time for me to fully have him in my life. But, i looked at him and finally accepted it. I told him, “its ok. we will get thru this together.” I hope i struggle less with this concept of still wanting to go out and finally having some freedom from crazy mother and life and finally dating and having friends – i struggled bc i thought how do you want to leave your puppy – you just got him. BUT ITS OK. I do not have to stare at him all day. and yes, raising a puppy IS HARD. it is ok that i feel it is hard and it is ok that every moment that he with me at home i am not petting him. having him at home is giving me a lot of anxiety and stress bc i constantly feel like i am not feeling the way i should about him (i should be happier and more overwhelemd with happiness when i seee him at home and all i should do when i go home is play with him)- but if i do not always want to play with him i feel that i am being a bad caretaker. i am in constant stress about him.
i apologize for the stream of thoughts – but this is how it all plays out in my head.
i thought I responded to this but I don’t think it posted. When I hyperfocus I think about how much I want someone to share my life with and want romance but it stinks I can’t have it. And I just wish I had that partner I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl.
So in that case – in regards to the relationships – how do I not hyperfocus on it
yes that is exactly it. It is so horribly exhausting