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cali sister

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Viewing 15 posts - 286 through 300 (of 338 total)
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  • in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185729
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    good morning to you. in our family, and mostly in most indian families, terms of affection are never stated – so that would never come up. Even my sister and I do not say such things to each other (and as you can probably tell we do deeply love each other). I can remember moments in my life where my mother has said that, in weird moments where it doesn’t seem normal – and i just giggle and then wish i could go vomit. almost funny.

    i have made a very close friend here, C. she is the type of friend i have always wanted.  we get along so greatly. but, i abuse her. i only know abuse. i find reasons to get angry with her. i yell at her for no reason. i do not know how to stop. i feel insane and evil. it is like something possesses me – it does not feel like me. it as if my hands are typing away but my brain is saying why are you typing such things to her. she finally was honest with me yesterday and said it is getting ridiculous. she is right.  i did what i usually do and told her maybe she should stay away from me since i am so damaged. here we go again.

    calisister

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185651
    cali sister
    Participant

    in addition to what is written above,

    my mother does not really speak to me or reach out unless I do. my mother is truly and utterly obsessed with my sister.

    i was just sharing with my sister how i feel so “dirty” sometimes. i think about where i have come from – not only my parents but our entire famly is pretty disgusting. my sister and i have not touched on this very much so. but everyone is horrible. my own cousin has sexually harassed me but i still stick by his side bc i think “hes adopted and our families are so messed up.” just a couple minutes ago, he commented on something i had posted and it was extremely condescending and horrible. i WAS FURIOUS. i felt steam. HIM? disgusting guy who has been a rapist (we do not know for sure but we are 97% sure) who did not even graduate college, has no job, and is a compulsive liar, and alcoholic. HOW DARE HE PUT ME DOWN. he dare he BE THE WAY HE IS. my family, our family, is truly insane and horrible. i feel disgusting.

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185595
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    current interactions with my mother are far and in between. they usually consist of me videochatting with her and just showing her the puppy – as to avoid any real conversation. if a real conversation were to occur, it is more so with my father. regarding truth or untruth, it is hard to answer because i keep the conversation on the surface. it is not so much a truth/untruth situation, unless i am not understanding your question. with her, it never is a “normal” conversation which makes it hard to even truth/untruth. it is like having a conversation with a psych patient.

    I understand. I think I get frustrated when I see people protecting themselves and not making themselves fully vulnerable because I have grown up to think that is the right way to be. I do see it as a strength in me, however, how honest I can be with myself. So when I see others being “delusional,” I feel like shaking them. I think “how can they be so dumb?”

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185553
    cali sister
    Participant

    I would like to write about this tendency I have to get angered quickly by people who have no emotional intelligence/self awareness and also a lack of ambition. I am mean, almost rude, to people when they seem to just be leading boring lives. Go to work. Come home. Watch tv. I am angry that they don’t want to do more – how are you okay with being so boring?

    I get angry when people are not just honest about their insecurities. When people say “I don’t care” and I know they do – I am so quick to call them out on it. It’s like I feel righteous.

    Why is this.

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185457
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    it is almost funny that you decided to share the laundry example. —my sister and i JUST had this conversation – how folding laundry for us is so stressful. we do that with which grocery store we shop at because our mom has categorized which ones are the best and which ones arent…and that is the LAW.

    i will write more soon. thank you!

    in reply to: Self Trust #185377
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    you hit it on point. my mother always said things like “if i don’t tell my daughters, who will i tell?” she wanted us to feel bad for her. she liked it when she told us something and we cried for her– I feel like that is an important piece/quote to add to this discussion. anyway, continue on!

    cali sister

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185375
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    i no longer get email updates, and thus i am always so late to reply. I tried fixing it. Did not work.

    As regards to why I hold on to my father, I am aware. But isn’t that still unhealthy since he is still evil? Should i try to stray?

    Today I panicked in a sense because I felt like I did not know how to behave. Now that I do not know what is happening immediately after this program, now that my future isn’t 100% decided or obvious- I am confused as to how to even behave. I might be leaving the current state I am in….is it even it worth it to keep dating? When I meet a guy, what do I do? Should I even make new friendships? I do not know how to behave with regards to people and activities. I do not know how to explain this. I feel as though I am not explaining it well. I have a hard time thinking that there is a point to anything if it will end. My mother has taught me this. For example, “Oh I like this poster. I should buy it and hang it up.” My mother would say – well what is the point? You’re moving out in 6 months.” So instead, I would live in a boring living room – because what is the point if you’re leaving anyway. It is so hard for me to not think like this.

    Alex – I like him. But he is leaving and I am leaving. What do I do.

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185253
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    another thing is that i have always been closer to my father. he has, of course, also done his fair share of abuse and torture. however, i still crave to know about him. he got a new job recently and i feel sad that i do not know more about it. where he sits, what patients he sees. i bought him a mug and mailed it home. it made me happy that i bought it for him and got nothing for my mother. is that evil?

    he is an abuser but i still crave him. most times when i speak to him, i immediately regret it afterwards – he causes extra stress and negativity. he has been literally pure evil for a big percent of my life. he has beat my mother. he has told me i am a curse to be alive. however, i do not know if this is just a false belief. but sometimes i think, i know that no matter what he will be there for me. i know my mom will not. when i got into a car accident, my dad came for me. my mom stayed home.

    we do not talk about my father much. maybe in posts to come.

    this makes me feel very emotional. makes me tear as i type it. i knowingly call him when i know my mother will not be around. i am always so scared something will happen to him. he suffers from heart disease, which my mother has blamed me for and also has given me intense anxiety that he will drop dead any moment. what will happen when hes not here?

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by cali sister.
    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185243
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    yes, this is why i think it is all pointless and i need a break.

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185209
    cali sister
    Participant

    “We are overly present but not present in ourselves”

    THIS STATEMENT is exactly how I feel. how my sister feels.

    I had to share that because it just popped in my head.

    Anyway – you are saying you WOULD have thought I was so very normal. And so very fortunate. What do you think instead? Or what do you know now instead. I am not sure I understood.

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185197
    cali sister
    Participant

    however, TO THIS DAY, when i think about my mother sometimes, i still feel so bad for her. my heart drops and i think “poor mother of mine”

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185195
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I am tearing at your responses to my sister’s post.

    “No, it was  not your mother’s search for validation that rained on your parade then and keep raining on it. It  is the same old same  old motivation: relief at the expense  of another. Like a  person angry and  breaking something, a relief. People break their children in a similar manner.”

    WOW. I have never thought about it this way, just as my sister said she has not. She breaks us for her own relief. How so terribly horrible. As we speak, (or I type I guess) my mother texts me. Recently when my parents contact me and if I am in public, I find myself cursing at them out loud. As if I want everyone around me to know they are horrible people.

    I know I try to escape from myself my stimulating myself externally. Especially recently. I sometimes make 3 plans for one day and at each plan that I am at, I am stressed to leave for the next one. Or if I am at plan #1, I am texting the people for plan #2 trying to organize. I am never able to just be in one plan at one time and be ok with the fact that it will end and I will go home. I have been over extending myself socially.

    This may be too personal, so you can defer. However, I just wanted to ask – did you ever do something like what I want to. Just take a break? Stop going up that “normal” pathway?

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185189
    cali sister
    Participant

    hi anita,

    I meant more so that my entire day focus was not only him – I tried at least. I become hyperfocused sometimes and it takes away from the day. So yes you are correct.

    I saw Alex. And it went great. Very great. and I was my complete self (as much as I know of myself at least).

    Authority of my life. I do fear that since I have an interest in Alex, it will make me more vulnerable, of course. I just do not want it to hinder my progress forward.

    calisister

    in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #185077
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I am glad that you are excited for me. “Be the authority of your life”

    What do you mean by do think a little about Alex? About what specifically?

    cali sister

    in reply to: Self Trust #185037
    cali sister
    Participant

    sister and anita,

    Anita- i just wanted to share that you have been so life-changing for us. I need you to know that you are truly making such a difference in ours and other people’s lives. i truly appreciate how you also tell us personal tidbits about your life. it helps my sister and i feel like we are not alone. Okay, I’ll continue to write in my own thread !

    cali sister

Viewing 15 posts - 286 through 300 (of 338 total)