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Anxiety: The Blur

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  • January 5, 2018 at 11:55 am #185253
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    another thing is that i have always been closer to my father. he has, of course, also done his fair share of abuse and torture. however, i still crave to know about him. he got a new job recently and i feel sad that i do not know more about it. where he sits, what patients he sees. i bought him a mug and mailed it home. it made me happy that i bought it for him and got nothing for my mother. is that evil?

    he is an abuser but i still crave him. most times when i speak to him, i immediately regret it afterwards – he causes extra stress and negativity. he has been literally pure evil for a big percent of my life. he has beat my mother. he has told me i am a curse to be alive. however, i do not know if this is just a false belief. but sometimes i think, i know that no matter what he will be there for me. i know my mom will not. when i got into a car accident, my dad came for me. my mom stayed home.

    we do not talk about my father much. maybe in posts to come.

    this makes me feel very emotional. makes me tear as i type it. i knowingly call him when i know my mother will not be around. i am always so scared something will happen to him. he suffers from heart disease, which my mother has blamed me for and also has given me intense anxiety that he will drop dead any moment. what will happen when hes not here?

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by cali sister.
    January 6, 2018 at 6:29 am #185329
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    Reads to me that indeed you need a break. I think that any person who has studied for as long as you have, without a break, would desperately needs a break.

    As to your more recent post: you crave your father because of the two parents, he is the… lesser evil. What does a child do with two such parents? Well, crave the lesser evil, the better of the two. Got to have someone to hold on to, right?

    anita

    January 6, 2018 at 4:53 pm #185375
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    i no longer get email updates, and thus i am always so late to reply. I tried fixing it. Did not work.

    As regards to why I hold on to my father, I am aware. But isn’t that still unhealthy since he is still evil? Should i try to stray?

    Today I panicked in a sense because I felt like I did not know how to behave. Now that I do not know what is happening immediately after this program, now that my future isn’t 100% decided or obvious- I am confused as to how to even behave. I might be leaving the current state I am in….is it even it worth it to keep dating? When I meet a guy, what do I do? Should I even make new friendships? I do not know how to behave with regards to people and activities. I do not know how to explain this. I feel as though I am not explaining it well. I have a hard time thinking that there is a point to anything if it will end. My mother has taught me this. For example, “Oh I like this poster. I should buy it and hang it up.” My mother would say – well what is the point? You’re moving out in 6 months.” So instead, I would live in a boring living room – because what is the point if you’re leaving anyway. It is so hard for me to not think like this.

    Alex – I like him. But he is leaving and I am leaving. What do I do.

    January 7, 2018 at 5:20 am #185405
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    What you shared here is connected to your recent share and my reply to it this very morning on your sister’s thread.

    A young child is not mentally separated from her mother. Because your mother (and father) was not there for you but for herself (ex., to share her misery with you, taking advantage of your empathy), you never separated. Your mother, as a mental representative in your brain, is dominant, taking a whole lot of space and you, cali sister, are small, in the margins.

    You have to have you in the center, dominant so to know how to behave.

    How to make this happen?

    1. If your current contact with your mother (and father) is continuing to push you to the margins of your own brain/ life, got to end that contact. (Most adult children never do, feeling too guilty to do so).

    2. Got to start small. The following may sound to you too small to matter, but this is how I started to be in the center of my life: folding laundry. My mother folded laundry perfectly, and I never did. Away from her and having no contact with her, a couple of years ago, or so, I noticed that as I was folding laundry, I was feeling distress. Her voice was telling me I was doing it wrong. It occurred to me, that I had the right to fold my own laundry in my own home the way I want to. It occurred to me that the right way to fold laundry is the way I choose to do it. And so I folded it very imperfectly, in a messy like way, and felt okay.

    Pay attention to the small things and find a way to do those things your own way, be the authority determining the right way to do this and that, one by one.

    With this practice, you will know, over time, how to behave in different contexts, beyond folding laundry and the like.

    * As to the what is the point concept, example regarding Alex and leaving: you can still spend some time with him while you are both living in the same area. What is the point… to  learn, to practice sharing about yourself, to listen to him, to be engaged in a conversation.

    anita

    January 7, 2018 at 10:58 am #185457
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    it is almost funny that you decided to share the laundry example. —my sister and i JUST had this conversation – how folding laundry for us is so stressful. we do that with which grocery store we shop at because our mom has categorized which ones are the best and which ones arent…and that is the LAW.

    i will write more soon. thank you!

    January 7, 2018 at 10:43 pm #185553
    cali sister
    Participant

    I would like to write about this tendency I have to get angered quickly by people who have no emotional intelligence/self awareness and also a lack of ambition. I am mean, almost rude, to people when they seem to just be leading boring lives. Go to work. Come home. Watch tv. I am angry that they don’t want to do more – how are you okay with being so boring?

    I get angry when people are not just honest about their insecurities. When people say “I don’t care” and I know they do – I am so quick to call them out on it. It’s like I feel righteous.

    Why is this.

    January 8, 2018 at 6:32 am #185577
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    Regarding your first recent post: time to challenge “the LAW”, that is her law. Her law has proven miserable for you. Yes, time to abandon it: fold your laundry the way you see fit and shop where you believe is the right place to shop.

    Regarding your most recent post:

    When people say “I don’t care” and you know they care, you feel angry at them. Why? Maybe because they didn’t say the truth, and you are angry at your parents for not having told you the truth, for having told you untruths. And maybe you also don’t tell the truth at times, in some contexts, and you are angry at yourself for that.

    Which brings me to a question for you: what is the nature of your current interactions with your mother? When you speak to her, do you tell her the truth or… untruth?

    As to why you get angry at people who go to work, home, watch TV, leading a boring life, in your estimation- maybe because you are angry for leading an unsatisfactory life yourself, doing all the right things according to societal standards, that is, earning degrees, even a PhD, producing income… and yet you suffer. Maybe you are angry that you did and are following societal standards for success and happiness and yet you suffer. So what is the point, why have ambition, why not lead an easier life…?

    anita

     

    January 8, 2018 at 8:09 am #185595
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    current interactions with my mother are far and in between. they usually consist of me videochatting with her and just showing her the puppy – as to avoid any real conversation. if a real conversation were to occur, it is more so with my father. regarding truth or untruth, it is hard to answer because i keep the conversation on the surface. it is not so much a truth/untruth situation, unless i am not understanding your question. with her, it never is a “normal” conversation which makes it hard to even truth/untruth. it is like having a conversation with a psych patient.

    I understand. I think I get frustrated when I see people protecting themselves and not making themselves fully vulnerable because I have grown up to think that is the right way to be. I do see it as a strength in me, however, how honest I can be with myself. So when I see others being “delusional,” I feel like shaking them. I think “how can they be so dumb?”

    January 8, 2018 at 11:45 am #185651
    cali sister
    Participant

    in addition to what is written above,

    my mother does not really speak to me or reach out unless I do. my mother is truly and utterly obsessed with my sister.

    i was just sharing with my sister how i feel so “dirty” sometimes. i think about where i have come from – not only my parents but our entire famly is pretty disgusting. my sister and i have not touched on this very much so. but everyone is horrible. my own cousin has sexually harassed me but i still stick by his side bc i think “hes adopted and our families are so messed up.” just a couple minutes ago, he commented on something i had posted and it was extremely condescending and horrible. i WAS FURIOUS. i felt steam. HIM? disgusting guy who has been a rapist (we do not know for sure but we are 97% sure) who did not even graduate college, has no job, and is a compulsive liar, and alcoholic. HOW DARE HE PUT ME DOWN. he dare he BE THE WAY HE IS. my family, our family, is truly insane and horrible. i feel disgusting.

    January 9, 2018 at 5:24 am #185713
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    Regarding your last share, the disgust you have for your family: there is disgusting gene that is passed on and is infecting your family. You, cali sister, like all the members of your family, were born innocent, loving and lovable. It is what some of them became…

    I do like your honesty and straightforwardness, by the way, saying it as-it-is, no sugar coating, I like that very much about you.

    Regarding family of origin (unlike in the future, a family you will choose, starting with a husband), you really do have the choice, as an adult, especially as a financially independent adult, employed as you are, to have contact, or not to have contact with any one of them. You choose. No law says you have to. And you, cali sister, do not have a moral obligation to do so, as far as I can see.

    When you talk to your mother, while you feel anger at her, or numb, do you tell her that you love her? Does she say that to you and do you answer something like I-love-you-too? (This is what I was thinking regarding you telling her an untruth)

    anita

    January 9, 2018 at 7:29 am #185729
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    good morning to you. in our family, and mostly in most indian families, terms of affection are never stated – so that would never come up. Even my sister and I do not say such things to each other (and as you can probably tell we do deeply love each other). I can remember moments in my life where my mother has said that, in weird moments where it doesn’t seem normal – and i just giggle and then wish i could go vomit. almost funny.

    i have made a very close friend here, C. she is the type of friend i have always wanted.  we get along so greatly. but, i abuse her. i only know abuse. i find reasons to get angry with her. i yell at her for no reason. i do not know how to stop. i feel insane and evil. it is like something possesses me – it does not feel like me. it as if my hands are typing away but my brain is saying why are you typing such things to her. she finally was honest with me yesterday and said it is getting ridiculous. she is right.  i did what i usually do and told her maybe she should stay away from me since i am so damaged. here we go again.

    calisister

    January 9, 2018 at 7:58 am #185737
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    I understand, about not using verbal terms of affection. And it is a good thing that your sister and you are close and loving. A very good thing.

    Regarding being abusive to your friend- got to stop it. If you indeed can’t help yourself, then stay away from her. It is your responsibility to … do no harm, to not mistreat another, even if they take it and stay. Protect her from that anger which possesses you.

    Can you imagine yelling at your own children, and allowing it to be because you are so damaged (“i am so damaged”)- that would be so very wrong, damaging to your children. You will be then passing on the legacy: from damaged to damaging.

    Part of your healing will have to be being able to adequately control the expressions of your anger. It is possible.

    anita

     

    January 9, 2018 at 8:21 am #185743
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    where does the anger come from? what am i angry at? i truly have no idea. i have no reason to be angry at C. but – find ways to be.

    also does that mean i was correct in telling her she should not talk to me? i thought this was a bad pattern that i have. when i tend to tell people “no stay away” – but in reality im hoping they fight back. it is twisted.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by cali sister.
    January 9, 2018 at 8:36 am #185753
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    You are not angry at C., you are angry at your mother, mainly.

    Sometimes you find yourself cursing your mother out loud (so you shared), but when you communicate with your mother, you show her your puppy.

    Your friend C., she is a convenient target for your anger at your mother, way less guilty feelings involved.

    anita

    January 9, 2018 at 8:40 am #185757
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    As to the second part of your last post, the one I responded to above: I think that instead of telling people to stay away from you, you should stay away from them, for as long as you can’t control mistreating them. You want them to fight back, to insist to have contact with you because you need contact, as a human, born to be social.

    anita

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