you don’t want to be used as a means for an end, the end being meeting him and spending time with him, and you don’t want to be lied to, as part of being used.

that’s exactly how it looks to me and how I feel about it.  I spent a lot of time with them both and I felt it.. it wasn’t the flirting, they were not that obvious  but there was something, you know what I mean? Sometimes you just feel… there is something going on. And he was kind of.. mesmerized with her too. He even told me one time he was idolizing her, just like that. It was something he felt and knew and he said it like it was obvious, nothing new, for him. He liked her, he liked the attention and now he probably…got wiser. Because his wife was pregnant, so..come on.

And.. see? I’ve been talking about this like it is my business. I don’t like that, this whole fact that I am involved in this.

pretending that she wants to meet you and spend time with you because of a strong connection she allegedly has with you.

Exactly. she tells me this a lot, but I don’t feel it. I would describe it as we are coworkers or coworkers besties and that’s all. It’s a lot, I like her, yes, but it.. has its limitations.

it is not one of the worst crimes people commit against others, but it’s still wrong and hurtful to be used and lied to. So, if I was you, I will no longer allow her to use you.

I agree, it’s not the worst, knowing that we like each other. As I said, we do, but we would like meet once or twice a year, That’s how I see it.  I even suspect.. I don’t want to overdo it, maybe it was not on purpose, but now it looks otherwise.. she once came here for the whole weekend, to go for a concert. She arrived on Saturday and the concert was Saturday night, and she stayed till Sunday. She told us she was coming.. and none of us proposed a meeting. I could not meet and he, obviously couldn’t either. None of us said anything. But we all agreed to meet Sunday morning for a breakfast. The concert was.. not even particular band. It was music from various bands, like something.. nothing special and nothing particular. Some famous rock songs sang by different people. I believe it is not something you would drive for hours and stay for the whole weekend and spend money on. But I am not sure, right? I will never know. I am a bit angry for all this. (But it’s okay, it will pass, as you said it is not the worst crime.)

Her answer (“he is just annoying coz ‘he’s a guy‘”) reads like an answer an infatuated school girl would give when caught off guard with a question such as the one you asked her.

Yeah. So now I know. Also when I asked her she took loooooonnnggg to answer. I saw she was texting (you can see that in messenger) and it took long long time. And she answered something basic eventually and at the end she asked: is this what you were asking or … ?

So weird and shady and.. I don’t know. I think I have the right to be angry here.

So let’s see how this develops. I think she knows that I know. Even if she denied, she knows.. I asked this directly (good idea) so she is aware. We are planning to meet Saturday so I am hoping to get this resolved.

Yes, I  trust your feelings. My trust is not blind, it’s a result of spending a lot of time reading your posts and communicating with you over time, on a variety of topics

Thank you Anita. That’s very nice

Hah.. Anita, you’re really…. !! I am impressed with your analyze skills. I am laughing right now but laughing at myself. That I don’t trust my own feelings!

which are rarely wrong. 🙁

I will remind myself every day to trust my own feelings.

You’re right. I think.. I think she is in love. And I think I need to know this because it involves me, involves me a lot.

And thank you, that’s very refreshing and motivating to know..that you trust me to trust my feelings.

no, no, no, not evil, not even close.

Okay. 🙂

From what you shared, particularly the sleepover suggestion on her part, doesn’t leave much space for you being wrong about her being infatuated with him.

I wanted to ask your opinion Anita and I know you DO NOT know this, as well as I do not know this. I might assume more because I talk to her etc but she is the only one who knows but… Do you think there’s a change she is not in love with him? That I am wrong? I talked to my gf about it and she says she is in love big time. No way she’s not. But she only assumes it from the story I told her so it’s hard to say..

And.. you are NOT evil. You are a good person, Caroline, I am sure of it

Thanks Anita, that’s very nice

*correction: it is not simple and not straightforward.

Yes, I figured. Thanks Anita

it doesn’t seem silly, not since I understood what it’s about: it is not silly to feel hurt for being someone’s 2nd best, it’s a kind of hurt that I can very much relate to.

Thank you Anita. I do not want to sound self absorbed or anything but.. I must admit I felt a bit hurt once I realized that. I felt fooled. I realized that the first time when she had said she will come here (without our invitation). In the past we always used to like invite her or invited us, it was never like “I will arrive on this and this day”. It was always with invitation. So I knew she really really wants and NEEDS to be here.

And as I said it’s okay if none of us (me and her) would come here to visit each other. I would say this honestly that I do not want to spend money, wake up at 5 am at the weekend and come home late at night just to spend couple of hours together. Although I did one time and it was nice. But I think we both would agree that we just live too far away for this to be regular. And she comes here once a month. Or maybe more than a month sometimes. But it’s still very often.

will be going on a sleepover in the mountains.. this is making me think.. What? I mean, it seems bizarre to suggest this

I know, right? It made think so too.. I thought immediately that there is no way I am going to go there, so I never said yes. (I am in a relationship and no way I would explain this trip and a SLEEPOVER) I just did not say anything.  I never agreed to this. But he… never said no. And I think this is all… delusional. From both sides, her and him.

an open-ended question that allows her wiggle room:  what are you feeling about him?

okay.. this sounds quite okay. I may try this tonight, maybe. I’ll see how the texting goes, we usually text at the evening.

“but I hope you don’t mind and I would be enough company for you’”- I wouldn’t say that. Instead, I would do is ask her an open ended question, or a couple of open ended questions.

Why not the one I proposed? I thought she might take it as a joke but also understand that it comes from somewhere..that I assume things. But your idea is good and I might use it

Correct, I do not want to take any action. I do not want to get involved. It just concerns me, that she comes here, goes really great lengths to see him, very often. She gets up very early, pays money to come here.We live in different cities. I know she likes me and likes to see me too, but it’s not about me. It’s about him. And then we sit together and we have some topics to discuss so it’s nice but it’s also weird sometimes. Like I know she came here for him and all she get is me lol. I know how this sounds but I get this feeling sometimes that this is the case. That’s why I wrote it is MY business also.