<p class=”p1″>I very much tried to not offend her and to not make her feel like she is inferior. But in that situation, I thought, it’s really hard to make someone feel confident, when she was the cleaning lady and I was already working (maybe not earning big money but different sort of job than her). So many times I was really careful to not make her feel like I am better than her. </p>
<p class=”p2″>Me bossing her around was.. I don’t know really.. telling her to make dinner while she was at my place, telling her to pick up a package etc. The least she could do, because 4 days a week she was at home (she cleaned only on 1 day)  and I worked 6 days a week. I felt bad, so I guess when she finally got the job I wanted her to feel better (she had some difficulties at the beginning – actually almost whole first year so I didnt want to brag how my job is going well etc. It’s not that well, I also have issues but I have very little work to do every day so it’s really not bad. )</p>
Today I thought about the times when she was so humble, shy. I don’t say I loved it but now she is so different. I appreciate her being nicer to me and trying to watch my favorite movies with me etc.. but I get the feeling she is pretening, trying to be nice. That she is different now.

Because you said that initially, when you told her you felt disrespected, she withdrew a little and was silent. Polite, but withdrawn. She didn’t share her feelings with you.

Yes, that was weird but as I said, I think she was just unsure what was going on because I always seemed so cool and “tough” when she was disrespecting me. As if I didn’t care. She was surprised because it was happening for quite some time.

you said earlier that you don’t talk much about the stress she might be experiencing at work, although you suspected it was one of the reasons she became more snappy with you in this past year. That’s why I thought that she doesn’t talk much about what’s bothering her, i.e. that she doesn’t talk about her feelings too much.

Yes, that is the case. I asked her about it, and she said it has nothing to do with her dog passing, just she is working too much and she is stressed. She got new responsibilities. I am happy for her, I think she is too but it involved a lot of stress and she never had that much going on in her life. She told me this is the reason. She also admitted she is rude to her mother because of that (she works from home and is on camera very often and her mother is coming into her apartment(it’s in the same house) when she’s in a meeting sometimes.). I think she is aware of this and I am happy I brought it up. However, I am still cautious and try to be aware if she doesn’t come back into her “old self”. Which she did not for now.

Tee,

Did her stance seem like silent treatment? Like she is punishing you for expressing discontent?

No, more like distant- afraid to offend me, not knowing “whats going on”. I think I often seem “cool” about everything.

Perhaps she is afraid to show vulnerability, so the only way to connect is via mocking and playing tough. But that’s not a healthy relationship. She would need to be willing to change that.

Yes, I think that’s true. I reminded her how her sister used to mock her and she even told me once that her sister doesn’t respect her. What she did was joking, mocking, name calling. But all as a joke, not “serious” offending. Only jokes going too far.

So if you would to assert yourself and say “I want to go to watch this movie – do you want to come?”, what do you think her reaction would be? To mock you for your choice of movie and shut down the idea?

Normally she would say this movie is stupid and waste of money. Recently I think she is more mindful of what she is saying.

Okay, so you haven’t really tried to assert yourself and express your own preferences (about hobbies, lifestyle, music etc), for fear of rejection? Or you did express yourself but were mocked, and so you stopped?

I did express it, but she kinda laughs about it.

it’s like a preventive action: you seem uncertain maybe even when you actually know what you want, but are afraid to express it. Does this ring true?

Yes.

I talked to her couple of days ago. I told her she treats me like a child and I feel stupid most of the time. And that she mocks all my ideas, tells me what to do all the time. She said she didn’t realize that and never wanted to be rude on purpose. She said she was sorry. I think it’s different now. But I know what is most important here: I rarely ask her for advise anymore. I noticed she makes her own financial decisions: for example she bought some game devise and just informed me about it. Didn’t ask before, just after the fact.

And it’s nothing wrong about that, it’s just.. I am so much different, I used to be so much different. I wanted to make decisions together, I thought it would be nice. So I asked her: is this furniture nice? should I buy it? Shall we paint my room? etc..

It wasn’t a good idea. I am really trying to be mindful of what I am saying now, how I sound. I try not to ask questions that often.

And I don’t want her to pretend she likes somethings when she doesn’t, like last weekend when we watched a movie and she knew I liked it and I think she was a bit afraid to be honest. I think it’s more healthy for her to be honest and for me to respond than just be silent and pretend.

Hi Sarah, Thank you for your very short and concise input. I will keep that in mind for sure.

Sarah,

I am aware I am not treated right and this relationship needs change. Me, us – changing our behaviors (me setting boundaries and her respecting those boundaries) or entirely breaking up, perhaps, if this won’t work out.

I can see you’re a moderator here and giving quite a strong advice based on my story. I am a bit surprised I must say. What do you think of giving such an advice here on this forum? Do you think members of this forum exchange sufficient amount of information to receive a direct advice such as to leave a relationship or other important life decisions?

I haven’t been much in the therapy but I know therapists rarely give direct advices, rather encourage patients to come to conclusions etc. What do you think of that?

Tee, Thank you for this message and for “predicting the future” kind of:

Over time, as you get more confident about your purchasing decisions, you’ll probably be asking your girlfriend less for “approval” of what you should buy.

It gave me confidence. I see more clearly now, my overall situation with her.

I will respond in details to your message after the weekend, once we meet and talk about this.

Again huge Thank You for support!

Hello Tee,

I guess you really don’t want to tolerate disrespect and abuse any more, which you have been doing for much of your life. You want to do something about it, but at the same time, it feels overwhelming. I totally get it.

That’s true.It got so heavy suddenly when I realized how much I listen to other people, how they impact my decisions, my life. Things I buy, I eat etc. It’s so easy for people to manipulate me.

you might have surrounded yourself with people who don’t respect you enough, or you have tolerated their poor treatment, and it kind of got out of hand.

I texted her yesterday, she asked why I am so sad. I said about this name calling and being rude. She said she was sorry and that I should have told her because she didn’t know. So she obviously doesn’t remember I already told her this once. Not sure if she said sorry about this pet name only or overall being rude. We are going to meet today, I’ll see how that goes.

I realized she tells me to do or not to do things all the time, and the reason might be that I ask her about everything. While we are shopping I ask her “should we buy this” “maybe I will buy this” and she almost always says “No, don’t”. “You can’t afford it” “Why do you need this” and it’s always on grocery shopping that she cares about spending too much money (my money buying my things – and I have my own money). When it comes to buying cds online or expensive things for herself she doesn’t have that much problem. I really must stop asking her, I have to just take things I want, with no asking, no waiting for reassurance. Maybe I am the problem that I lack confidence and I ask her everything. So she became so bossy because I have no opinion of my own.

But you have the adult part who is strong and capable, and can protect both yourself and your inner child.

Thank you. Yes, I believe I can.

You don’t need to tell your girlfriend everything that bothers you about her, and end up breaking up with her. You don’t need to cut off relationships with people all of a sudden.

I got so angry suddenly and I really wanted to break up with her. It got so overwhelming and disappointing. That I let that happen and it hurts me, It’s like I can’t take this anymore.

start with something small, start setting boundaries in small things. And then see how people react to it. Does this seem  doable?

Yes, I think so. I will pay more  attention to what people tell me to do and start responding to it.

but as you start setting boundaries, they will learn to treat you differently. Those who don’t want to treat you with respect aren’t worthy to stay in your life anyway. You can definitely change your attitude and stop being a doormat and a people pleaser. You are allowed to change and stand up for yourself.

Thank you for this. I believe I can change it.

Is that when she found a new job? Do you ever talk with her about her emotions, about what’s happening at her job etc?

We rarely talk about this. I think it got worse when she lost her dog and did not process those emotions. She yells at the cat and it’s for no reason, it’s stupid really. I know it’s because of the dog. And the new job perhaps, she gets angry, anxious, I think this job stresses her out but also gave her confidence that she earns money and works in this environment, she became more presumptuous.

it does seem she has different standards for you and for herself, when it comes to spending money.

Yes, and why is that? I don’t understand.

is she implying that she is supporting you financially? As if you don’t have your own money…

I got a small debt for past two years and sometimes she payed for groceries when I didn’t have that much money left, but it’s not like she was supporting me. It was like once a month she would pay, I usually gave her back after payday. Maybe she felt like she was supporting me. I think maybe it’s the pattern at her home: her mother doesn’t work and she spends too much, she buys things she doesn’t need for kitchen, plates, glasses, clocks, all kinds of necessary things and she pays for this from her husband’s money. And I noticed while we were visiting them that he sometimes jokes about her, it’s very similar. So it’s like this: she spends a lot of money for stupid things and he jokes about her, sometimes it’s rude. But she uses his money so she doesn’t really…stand up for herself. I think it’s ok for her in a way, she doesn’t mind.

So my girlfriend kind of projects this on me, I think. I once asked her why she is so mean while grocery shopping and she once told me she used to shop with her mother and she would go around the shop for hours choosing stupid and unnecessary things to buy.

But I earn my own money! no one is supporting me ..If she in fact thought she was supporting me because she payed for groceries COUPLE OF TIMES and she thought she has the right to mock me and tell me what I can buy… then I think I should not let her buy me anything anymore.

Thank you Tee. I feel really depressed knowing how many people treated me like this. I am afraid no one would ever respect me because people know they can bully me.

If she is angry about something, she shouldn’t take it out on you. I mean, you can encourage her to talk about her problems, if she wants to, but you don’t need to tolerate if she is taking her anger out on you.

He dog died over a year ago and she also started to listen to very aggressive heavy metal music. She has changed a lot. I heard she screams at the cat, for no reason, calling him names. Just because he is sitting somewhere etc. She got really weird. I didn’t realize until recently that I am one of her doormats too.

This sounds like trying to control you. Maybe she has some fear about money, or perhaps believes she doesn’t deserve better things.

She spends a lot on her own cds, movies, music devices etc.  Really a lot. She bought 3 expensive concert tickets but says we cannot afford vacation. And then she jokes about me buying sushi like I am a high maintenance. I don’t understand. Why am I in this situation, why couldn’t I see it.

If you have your own money and your own apartment, you should be able to decide if you want new furniture, not to mention if you want sushi or not.

I know how silly it sounds that I need this kind of validation, because I don’t know it myself. It’s so sad.

Yes, you can do it, I know it from our previous discussions. You dealt with that bully “friend” of yours pretty successfully too. You are strong enough, Caroline!

Thank you. I hope I can resolve it somehow. I hope she will stop bullying me but I am afraid she kind of.. got used to it already. As I mentioned she apologized and then she continued doing the same. I think she doesn’t really notice it anymore, it’s how she communicates with me.