@Jay2023 @Sammy1 Guys I desperately need your advice please! SOS this is a long post. I’m trying to make sense of it all!

Things may have just got worse if that was even possible!

Around midday I looked at the message I had sent and it was delivered and had been read but she didn’t reply! Now I know why she always says be polite to everyone – being left on read is more painful than you’d think! Lesson learned for future.

This is not norm behaviour for ‘B’ so I started to panic and for the first time I think I had an a fully blown anxiety attack. My heart was racing, my throat began to close in on me and I felt I couldn’t breathe. Then I reasoned and repeated to myself what Sammy had said that this woman I love wasn’t stonewalling me, she was mature and would be in touch, when she is ready. She just needed time. She had just received it today.

I calmed myself down and slumped back into gaming to distract myself.  About an hour or so later with no heads up ‘B’ was at the doorstep. The place and I looked like a dishevelled mess so when I opened the door, I just froze because I wasn’t expecting her! She asked if she could come in – my fiancé who has a key, still asking if she could come into what should be ours 😔 oh man my stomach just started to churn this time. Is this anxiety?

I managed to utter of course, she made her way into the lounge and I could see she was clearly disappointed by the state of it. I didn’t know what to say so I just grabbed her wrist and pulled her in for a hug. I should have hugged her the moment I opened the door instead of standing there like a clown. She embraced me back and as I held her she started sobbing. It felt like being kicked in the stomach and winded seeing her so upset. I cupped her face and wiped her tears and told her I’m so sorry for being stupid and insensitive and I was going to make it right, instead of talking, she kissed me. I just couldn’t resist it. It was so intense and things just started to really escalate, but when she began to unbuckle my jeans, I wanted to succumb i really did but after all this time respecting her wish, I didn’t want the first time to be like this or cross anymore lines than I had, leaving both of us feeling regretful. So I pulled away. I think @Jay2023 will confirm as a fellow man how painful this is!

When I pulled away, she looked absolutely mortified. That’s the last thing I wanted her to feel, I said we should talk, she didn’t say anything and she just started to back away everytime I edged forward. I honestly didn’t know what was happening, I asked her to talk to me, I asked her what’s wrong and then the fucking doorbell rang. In this chaos I had forgotten my dad was going to pick up his toolbox. I didn’t want to open it, I wanted to deal with what had just happened. But then he began shouting Danny son through the damn letter box! ‘B’ managed to say “it’s your dad open it,” reluctantly as I opened the door to a bloody hell you look like a right state! I took him straight to the kitchen so ‘B’ could fix up but I saw her slip out, I couldn’t go after her. My dad was only there for about 15 mins and in that 15 mins I was so angry at the timing and just wanted him to leave, I feel awful for even saying that! I was probably curt with him too another person I need to apologise to. He asked what was wrong and that I looked like a right state, I had to lie and say ‘B’ was at her friends otherwise knowing him he would have called around to her place too.

I just wanted to cry and smash something at the same time. In the lounge she had left a note “I shouldn’t have come, I need more time, I’m sorry, don’t follow me”

I am trying to stay calm but something is really wrong and I’m not just overthinking this. I don’t know what’s going on with her and this is all so out of character. I feel like my emotions are running riot, I fluctuate from feeling deep sadness from seeing her so upset to anger thinking I can’t do anything right – was that some sort of a test or something?

I’m aware as a man how hard it can be when you’re knocked back for sex, it feels like a rejection of you, if you let it, it can lead to stupid resentment. That’s exactly how I felt the first time I was with her. I was careful to not hurt her feelings when I pulled away, I calmy whispered I want this but we should talk. But she still looked mortified. I don’t know what’s going on with her, our strong communication has gone out the window. I understand I was in the wrong during the argument and I know where I hurt her but I don’t understand what’s happening now and her almost having sex with me after we have waited so long has really thrown me. What the hell is going on here guys? Was i wrong to pull away? Was this some sort of break up or goodbye? What do I do? I’m at a loss and just feel like I’m going to do or say something really regretful.

@Rhaenys thanks, I finally plucked the courage to sent it last night but her phone must have been switched off so she will not receive the message until she switches it back on. After checking for last 4 hours I realised she’s fully retreated, the only other normal time she does this is if she’s doing yoga or wants do be in the moment and not rude too to others, because she’s very prompt in her replies. In this case she really does want space,  checking constantly is driving me insane i really don’t know what to do other than go around? I know @Sammy1 and @Jay2023 would probably say that’s unwise?

@Jay2023 still no news 😔  shall I wait another day before texting? I’m so restless!

@Jay2023 sometimes its easier to open up to strangers. They will not feel as frustrated or disappointed as your loved ones do so it removes that pressure. As men we don’t really have the same support bubble women are blessed with either so like you I’m grateful for this thread.

Women also get compliments left right and centre to boost their esteem. Whereas as a lad you’re lucky if you hear it once a year ahaha. But that’s what I love about ‘B’ she’s my biggest supporter and really hypes me.

I think what you described is what I felt for a long time too. That’s loneliness. You sound like a very sociable human being who desires deep connection. Have you never had that deep connect on a platonic level ?

Even though your relationship with that person ended it’s just the beginning of who you want to be. You deserve a better love, and you know you do and that’s essential in moving forward.

Before I met ‘B’ I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted. It’s like she was an anchor who helped steady me and open my eyes. At first I wasn’t even romantic attracted to her. Physically yes but the love came later. I think seeking an emotional connection is what you need and a person who doesn’t judge you and just gets you. You need someone who is comforting. I think with time you’ll find what you deserve and you’ll look back and realise what you had wasn’t anywhere close.

If you don’t mind me asking what issues do you need to explore with a therapist?

Maybe one of us might have a shared experience. I also agree from my communication with you, you have a goodness in you mate. For one you don’t seek one night stands to fill voids. You want the real thing. You want true companionship. I hope with our help and therapy you get it bro.

@Jay2023 thank so much bro for getting back to me. Its been a rough day. Of course I’d ask you mate your advice has been on par with Sammy’s and you’re a male! Much better at dealing with conflict than me. I am very grateful that you took time to respond. These last few days have been overwhelming and I’ve appreciated the support.

Your message sounds less cheesy and to the point than mine. So might just borrow it. Thanks bro. How are you doing? Is everything okay for yourself?

@Rhaenys you can only help as much as you can,  I appreciate the efforts. Thank you for your input and advice.

Sammy is away for the weekend, that’s why I didn’t @ her because I want her to not worry or feel compelled to reply because she is very giving in nature too.

My head is a mess but it’s easier to give objective advice to someone else. Hopefully @Jay2023 can offer some assistance too. The man you are with appears to be a “talking stage” if you want to turn this into a relationship you need to see each other ASAP. The longer you leave it the higher the expectation and you might end up disappointed if you don’t have the chemistry in person. It will naturally feel like a waste of time. So always try not to prolong the first date or interaction to avoid becoming invested in potential. If after the first date you are both interested then let it grow and start investing. Us men are very physical beings we often need to see our partner to feel fulfilled in a relationship, with maturity we learn to be patient with things like sex if the bond and chemistry is strong, as long as we continue to get quality time and companionship, enjoying each others company with cuddles can be enough but without this it is hard to sustain a relationship for men in particular so naturally they will get bored or start to lose interest if its just endless talking. I would encourage you to meet him so you can determine if you match up in person and don’t run the risk of becoming attached to potential over text. I hope that helps.

@Jay2023 see my above post also please and to add if she’s anything like me and overthinks it then that seed of doubt may prove fatal 🙁 I know it can lead to self sabotage, I self sabotaged with her the first time we were together. I know you’re not spiritual but the pesky devil is very good at ruining things. I can’t exactly weed out the seed of doubt because she wants space.

@Jay2023 thanks for that bro. I appreciate the reminder.  I know you and Sammy have my back but when you feel disappointed in yourself like I do, the last thing you want to do is also be completely selfish on top. I know you have your own issues and Sammy wanted a break. So I do feel awful but at the same time I don’t have anyone other than my bro to open up to. With him he will not hold back and I know he will be disappointed in me.

You seem to handle conflict better than me mate. I thought I had grown but obviously I haven’t I defaulted to ignoring the issue (l wasn’t going to reply to my ex mate) and reacting impulsively (to ‘B’) both immature.

You mentioned she may be rethinking about her decision to marry, and this was what I was afraid of. I have worked on my self esteem after the blow from the ex, but the reality of the situation is I have baggage, I have issues that a woman like ‘B’ doesn’t need to put up with. I know she loves me, I feel it everyday and I love her with every fibre of my being and I know if I lost her I’d lose the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I wouldn’t find someone of her calibre again,  that’s not me putting her on a pedestal that’s pure facts. She is independent, classy, smart but above all the most kind, loving person, and the way she hypes me and supports and comforts is the stuff you dream of finding in a partner, she brings out the best in me, can she or would she say the same about me? I don’t know Jay and that’s what’s scaring me. I’ve let her down.

Once she was struggling herself and I didn’t know, but she still found time to call me and comfort me and apologised for not being there sooner. That’s the gem she is. I know this space is not normal for us, maybe she’s finally reached full capacity 🙁