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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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Viewing 15 posts - 2,146 through 2,160 (of 2,193 total)
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  • #378989
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Dannydan I agree with the message Jay suggested too, I think it’s a nice message. And those are the things you were saying in this topic, so that is how you feel. We are all rooting for you.

    Thank you so much @Dannydan and @Jay23 for your advice.. Yes, we were talking today about when and how to meet, I guess when the rain passes we will have opportunities. I am also well aware that the outcome doesn’t have to be romantic at all, it could be only as friendship, or just temporary, I’m okay with all the outcomes. I just feel the need to evolve it, or define it, or stop, I can’t continue on chats only anymore.

    I agree with what you said Danny, “We have to learn to just sit with the uncomfortable feelings sometimes and hope when they pass we will rise as stronger and better human beings.” I guess that we all need this lesson now. I wish you all, and even Sammy, good vibes for the weekend.

    #378990
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 sometimes its easier to open up to strangers. They will not feel as frustrated or disappointed as your loved ones do so it removes that pressure. As men we don’t really have the same support bubble women are blessed with either so like you I’m grateful for this thread.

    Women also get compliments left right and centre to boost their esteem. Whereas as a lad you’re lucky if you hear it once a year ahaha. But that’s what I love about ‘B’ she’s my biggest supporter and really hypes me.

    I think what you described is what I felt for a long time too. That’s loneliness. You sound like a very sociable human being who desires deep connection. Have you never had that deep connect on a platonic level ?

    Even though your relationship with that person ended it’s just the beginning of who you want to be. You deserve a better love, and you know you do and that’s essential in moving forward.

    Before I met ‘B’ I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted. It’s like she was an anchor who helped steady me and open my eyes. At first I wasn’t even romantic attracted to her. Physically yes but the love came later. I think seeking an emotional connection is what you need and a person who doesn’t judge you and just gets you. You need someone who is comforting. I think with time you’ll find what you deserve and you’ll look back and realise what you had wasn’t anywhere close.

    If you don’t mind me asking what issues do you need to explore with a therapist?

    Maybe one of us might have a shared experience. I also agree from my communication with you, you have a goodness in you mate. For one you don’t seek one night stands to fill voids. You want the real thing. You want true companionship. I hope with our help and therapy you get it bro.

    #378993
    Jay
    Participant

    Of course not, I’m more than comfortable with divulging how I see things, I think I have been suffering from depression for a long period of time which was manageable until I had an event where I had a high of happiness that ultimately went wrong and I have experienced a low that I cannot cope with, I’m hoping once I speak with a professional I can explore these deep feelings and get to the root of my own unhappiness and understand what I need to do to get on a better path, I’ve tried so hard to do this myself many of time but always end up at the same place searching for answers, I am very lost and as much as I talk to people I’m close to I never resolve anything, I’m really keen to discuss how I feel with a neutral professional and get there point of view just to see if it will help, it may not and I might be someone who is beyond help but I know I’ve never wanted to confront this before and now I really do now because life is passing by and there are people who bury those thoughts there whole life and suffer for it, I do recognise a lot more good things about myself than I did but I still need help dispelling those negative ones. A problem I’ve had my whole life is anyone that I’ve cared about and wanted a romantic relationship with I’ve ended up developing a deep platonic relationship which has caused me heartache it’s just the way I’m wired and how I am with those individuals.

    I do know this, that all with our deep thoughts and insecurities with certain things we are amazing people and anyone we enter a relationship with will be lucky to have such caring and compassionate individuals who have so much love to give, we all will have a moment to post where we post our ‘we made it moment’!

     

    #378998
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023

    The fact you’re seeking help is a massive step bro. I’m proud of you lad that you want to take control and get to that place. Admitting there’s an issue is the start of getting better. Although I’ve made strides, talking to you has actually made me realise I don’t think I’ve explored and fully dealt with my own spiral that was triggered by ‘A’  and my best friends betrayal – I think that’s what caused my outburst with ‘B’ and I don’t want to like yourself, to suffer for it and ruin my own happiness. Initially it took my brother’s illness to come back to reality and begin to deal with things and then my angel ‘B’ crossed my path and really flipped a switch for me. I’m not fully there still work in progress and I hope she doesn’t give up on me now.

    What was the event that went wrong – it sounds like a relationship? Do you believe it was that event that triggered it or have you always felt sadness and loss of interest? That feeling of lostness I found was because I spend so long making others happy, appeasing them and contorting to fit them. I didn’t know who I was. When you find yourself and start being authentic to that the grey clouds begin to lift.

    Do you have a cheerleader in your life, someone who really gets you and encourages you. Or have you had anyone like that? Without that we can only hear our own inner critic, that voice can be deafening. It causes you to manifest what you believe about yourself – self fulfilling prophecy.

    So having someone who is really supportive and encouraging can make a world of difference and doesn’t seem like the relationships you chose offered that. Instead you chose to keep yourself in toxic ones that reinforced your view of being unworthy I bet!

    From what you said, it seems like you are saying you end friendzoning yourself bro?

    I’m glad you’re starting to accept your compassion and caring nature as a strength. There’s a lot of toxic masculinity about so once you start to accept yourself you’ll get your moment!

    #379016
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 still no news 😔  shall I wait another day before texting? I’m so restless!

    #379026
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan
    I think you can send message today. I wish you good luck, and let us know what happens.

    #379028
    Danny
    Participant

    @Rhaenys thank you for your reply. I tagged @Jay2023 only because we were corresponding back and forth and bonded. But I appreciate your response. I can’t bring myself to send it because I’m not ready for a negative outcome. I’ve been wreck as it is and feel as more time has gone by this is very unusual and I think it must be the end of the line. I hope you have a good weekend @Rhaenys.

    #379052
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    Hello @Dannydan

    It’s okay, I admit was not posting much but I was reading you all the time so I kind of do feel a connection.

    How is it today? Did you send the message? I just wanted you to know I’m here.

    #379056
    Danny
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>@Rhaenys thanks, I finally plucked the courage to sent it last night but her phone must have been switched off so she will not receive the message until she switches it back on. After checking for last 4 hours I realised she’s fully retreated, the only other normal time she does this is if she’s doing yoga or wants do be in the moment and not rude too to others, because she’s very prompt in her replies. In this case she really does want space,  checking constantly is driving me insane i really don’t know what to do other than go around? I know @Sammy1 and @Jay2023 would probably say that’s unwise?</p>

    #379058
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Dannydan, what do you mean by “going around”.

    It seems to me, if she switched her phone she really wants space, and if by “going around” means going to her place, I’m not sure if that’s wise.

    #379067
    Jay
    Participant

    Danny bro, sorry I’ve been quiet, didn’t feel great yesterday so spent most of it asleep and not paying attention to my phone. Sorry to hear how your feeling mate, especially after sending the message, I still think you need do stay strong and wait it out, you’ve done all you can until she’s ready to speak, she will when she is good and ready too.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Jay.
    #379071
    Danny
    Participant

    @Rhaenys yeah I know I’d be unwelcome. Trying to just battle through. Thank you. Hope you had a better weekend.


    @Jay2023
    it’s okay bro. I know you’re finding it tough yourself at times. Anything I can help with ? The other night just that back and forth conversation made me feel better. It was a distraction trying to help you and it just felt good to talk to another male about stuff. Did you see my reply mate?

    #379106
    Rhaenys
    Participant

    @Dannydan Thank you. I actually realized the same, trying to help you was a distraction and it really feels good, because I feel that I really care. I actually check this page for updates from you. I keep fingers crossed.

    I’m okay. I stiffed my neck a bit, nothing new or too hard, it will pass, but hurts a bit, and I’m home today. I’m not really upset much about that, I know that is my weak spot, happens once a year and it will pass. I actually did just start to practice regularly so I can be in better shape and healthy. I usually practice at winter, but with the pandemic, fitness centers were working only online, and then opened but had fewer spots so I was much less active this winter. I think I will go to work tomorroy.

    Also, me and the guy I’ve been chatting with managed to arrange a meeting this week, so I guess I will solve this situation too. I’m much calmer now, I guess only the chatting was starting to be frustrating, so I’m at peace now that I know that the situation will change, in any way it goes.

    I hope Jay and Sammy will be able to contact us soon, too.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Rhaenys.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Rhaenys.
    #379117
    Danny
    Participant

    @Jay2023 @Sammy1 Guys I desperately need your advice please! SOS this is a long post. I’m trying to make sense of it all!

    Things may have just got worse if that was even possible!

    Around midday I looked at the message I had sent and it was delivered and had been read but she didn’t reply! Now I know why she always says be polite to everyone – being left on read is more painful than you’d think! Lesson learned for future.

    This is not norm behaviour for ‘B’ so I started to panic and for the first time I think I had an a fully blown anxiety attack. My heart was racing, my throat began to close in on me and I felt I couldn’t breathe. Then I reasoned and repeated to myself what Sammy had said that this woman I love wasn’t stonewalling me, she was mature and would be in touch, when she is ready. She just needed time. She had just received it today.

    I calmed myself down and slumped back into gaming to distract myself.  About an hour or so later with no heads up ‘B’ was at the doorstep. The place and I looked like a dishevelled mess so when I opened the door, I just froze because I wasn’t expecting her! She asked if she could come in – my fiancé who has a key, still asking if she could come into what should be ours 😔 oh man my stomach just started to churn this time. Is this anxiety?

    I managed to utter of course, she made her way into the lounge and I could see she was clearly disappointed by the state of it. I didn’t know what to say so I just grabbed her wrist and pulled her in for a hug. I should have hugged her the moment I opened the door instead of standing there like a clown. She embraced me back and as I held her she started sobbing. It felt like being kicked in the stomach and winded seeing her so upset. I cupped her face and wiped her tears and told her I’m so sorry for being stupid and insensitive and I was going to make it right, instead of talking, she kissed me. I just couldn’t resist it. It was so intense and things just started to really escalate, but when she began to unbuckle my jeans, I wanted to succumb i really did but after all this time respecting her wish, I didn’t want the first time to be like this or cross anymore lines than I had, leaving both of us feeling regretful. So I pulled away. I think @Jay2023 will confirm as a fellow man how painful this is!

    When I pulled away, she looked absolutely mortified. That’s the last thing I wanted her to feel, I said we should talk, she didn’t say anything and she just started to back away everytime I edged forward. I honestly didn’t know what was happening, I asked her to talk to me, I asked her what’s wrong and then the fucking doorbell rang. In this chaos I had forgotten my dad was going to pick up his toolbox. I didn’t want to open it, I wanted to deal with what had just happened. But then he began shouting Danny son through the damn letter box! ‘B’ managed to say “it’s your dad open it,” reluctantly as I opened the door to a bloody hell you look like a right state! I took him straight to the kitchen so ‘B’ could fix up but I saw her slip out, I couldn’t go after her. My dad was only there for about 15 mins and in that 15 mins I was so angry at the timing and just wanted him to leave, I feel awful for even saying that! I was probably curt with him too another person I need to apologise to. He asked what was wrong and that I looked like a right state, I had to lie and say ‘B’ was at her friends otherwise knowing him he would have called around to her place too.

    I just wanted to cry and smash something at the same time. In the lounge she had left a note “I shouldn’t have come, I need more time, I’m sorry, don’t follow me”

    I am trying to stay calm but something is really wrong and I’m not just overthinking this. I don’t know what’s going on with her and this is all so out of character. I feel like my emotions are running riot, I fluctuate from feeling deep sadness from seeing her so upset to anger thinking I can’t do anything right – was that some sort of a test or something?

    I’m aware as a man how hard it can be when you’re knocked back for sex, it feels like a rejection of you, if you let it, it can lead to stupid resentment. That’s exactly how I felt the first time I was with her. I was careful to not hurt her feelings when I pulled away, I calmy whispered I want this but we should talk. But she still looked mortified. I don’t know what’s going on with her, our strong communication has gone out the window. I understand I was in the wrong during the argument and I know where I hurt her but I don’t understand what’s happening now and her almost having sex with me after we have waited so long has really thrown me. What the hell is going on here guys? Was i wrong to pull away? Was this some sort of break up or goodbye? What do I do? I’m at a loss and just feel like I’m going to do or say something really regretful.

    #379119
    Jay
    Participant

    Evening Danny, I must say after reading all of that I’m just as baffled as you are to what’s going on, I do think she is being a tad unfair to you though mate, she must of been able to see how it’s affected you and at least deserves to let you know how she’s feeling so you know what’s going on instead of running through multiple worst case scenarios in your mind, I think you definitely done the right thing in not engaging in any sexual activity, seems she is really confused in her own head if she was trying to push that after waiting so long, I’m sure she will appreciate that.

    I really do know what sort of advice to give you now mate I really don’t, don’t push too hard but as I said you deserve to understand what’s going on

Viewing 15 posts - 2,146 through 2,160 (of 2,193 total)

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