Dear me
I have read most but not all of your posts, but definitely the last one. I know these is just a snapshot of you. The impression I am perceiving from the content & tone. Is very much push pull. You offer or are offered something & then almost immediately shut the door on yourself or the other person. This perplexing way of interacting will not help you grow any deep meaningful relationships in your life.

My cousin has overused his sense of humor all his life, maybe as a protective shield or just habit either way he is now over 60 & has never lived with a woman for an extended period. it is hard to forge a relationship when one is constantly not sure if the other person is “just joking”
Kind regards
Roberta

Hi
I recall this story which uses either god /Buddha as a source of hope & how we misinterpret it.
A storm warning went out over the radio & the man thought I will hope & trust ….. will keep me safe so he did not leave his house for higher ground. Then the police man knocked on his door & advised him to evacuate but still he did not leave just hoped that ….. would save him. The flood came & the man ended up on the roof still waiting passively for …… to save him & refused help once again from the rescue services needless to say the man drowned. When he got to heaven & met god/Buddha he said crossly to them why did you not save me?They replied who do you think sent the radio message, the policeman & the rescue service to you!

Hi
I watched a lovely talk on you tube by Srvasti Abbey called We can Validate Ourselves – which I think shines a light on passivity both internal & external.

Dear Milda

Your phrase – If I just come back to the old behavior, I would be extremelly unhappy, stressed for the rest of my life. But everyone around me will be very comfortable. I want to be happy. I really, truly want to be happy and free.

If that was true then surely the people around you would already be happy as all your life as you bowed down to their wants time & time again They would not have been sad (mum) & sarcastic (dad). You can not keep people happy all of the time even a robot cannot do that. Investing your self worth in someone else’s bottomless pit does not bring about happiness to anyone no matter what you were told or believe.
What I love about buddhism is it middle way approach – not sublimitating yourself entirely to your parents on one extreme or being totally self-obsessed & selfish on the other.
Get a piece of paper & for a couple of minutes put aside your parents voices. How do you want to live your life? just write or draw what comes to mind. this might give you a starting point. Then put it down go for a walk have a cup of tea, come back & see what is your voice, ethics etc & weed out or amend any statements that do not truly feel authentically yours. Later you can explore ways of putting this into real life .
Sorry my battery is about to go, but maybe I have ssaid enough anyway.
best wishes
Roberta

Hi Alessa

I did a mindful meditation on an apple & after I ate it I planted the core in a pot & now a dozen years on I have a beautiful apple tree with yummy apples in our meditation centre. I like to forage for wild spinach near our seashore or on the cliffs.
Are you in the UK or Europe? Didn’t they use acorns as a coffee substitute in the war? What kind of dish were you thinking of making?
Once up at Samye I came across some wild strawberries growing out of the rocks above the stream they we very small but tasted divine.

My dad was poorly the other week-boy did we go thru some nappies it is funny how looking after someone who is poorly is just as tiring if not more so than when they are up & about. I hope your son feels better soon.

Dear Jana
I hope you had chance to visit one of your favourite wild places.
I live on a small island which in WWII had a dark history which even though the camps are no longer easily visible the huge concrete defences that was built using slave labour are a reminder of man’s inhumanity to man.
The sea, wind & sunshine have cleansed a lot of the oppressiveness. 70 years of children’s laughter helps to bring a sense of peace & fun to the place.
I see you asked whether I had been a Buddhist nun. It is my aspiration to take robes I already hold the life precepts of no mind altering substances & no romantic/intimate relations. I also do not wear makeup, jewellery or perfume. My attire is mainly plain & simple. Being my father’s sole carer leaves little or no time for formal practices which were part of my daily life.I now listen to short dharma talks each day & when I get to bed I do a short practice so that my mind is on the dharma as I fall asleep. For 7 years 2009 – 2016 I had the freedom to do retreats & receive teachings mainly at the Tibetan monastery in Scotland.

Hi
I was exploring the word fixed and its other meaning as something solid rooted as in
I was fixed to the spot
A nut & bolt so fixed that it couldn’t be undone
Our fate was fixed in the stars
A ship will fix its course
The belief that our brain/character became fixed after a certain age ( give me the boy till the age of 7 & I will give you the man) until neuroplasticity was discovered.
regards
Roberta

Dear Nez
I find it helps to distinguish between hugs & cuddles.
Hugs can in general be short or long to share happiness & also to console to be shared with loved ones & strangers of both sexes.
For me cuddles have a more intimate nature & can lead to more intimate encounter of a sexual nature.
Then there is something inbetween where you are totally comfortable together where I think of the person as a brother & he thinks of me as a sister & are happy to snuggle up & watch a movie together. When either of us are in a relationship with others we just have a quick hug as a greeting or farewell & still call each other bro & sis. We are quite a huggy group.