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elet

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • in reply to: I need peace in this relationship #58543
    elet
    Participant

    The truth of the matter is that he broke your trust. This fact does not change. You also may have an anger problem, and this is a secondary issue. When we feel sad and insecure, we tend to feel angry as well. So, there are a couple of things to be resolved in this situation on my point of view.
    To gain trust is not that easy but it is easy to lose trust. Try to talk to him, and understand why he did what he did. Try to search in your heart a place of forgiveness, because in the end nobody is perfect. If you do believe that he will not do it again, and that the relationship worth you time and emotional investment keep it. Try to think with objectivity, write the good and the bad points on a piece of paper.
    Anger does not solve anything. It is uncontrolled and negative. It hurts you and does not solve anything. Try meditation, relaxation and control your breathing. Sadness and insecurity may cause anger. He did not cheat on you, he cheated on him, on a relationship. He would have done it with anyone. Love yourself before loving him. You will always have yourself to count on.
    He does not help you, he makes you angry/sad and so on. Invest on you more than on him. Read some self-help books.

    in reply to: 30 Day No Contact Rule – Thoughts? #58534
    elet
    Participant

    It happened with me a couple of weeks ago. Yes, he said he liked me a lot, many and many times. I was not so sure, as like you I am on my fifties and I am not one of jumping into a relationship that fast. Then he was texting, not my kind of thing either. Then, he apologized, and I apologized. Something is not right when a relationship begins with sorry. I mean, once one is married it is OK, but in the beginning?
    I take it as a red flag. Does it hurt? It hurts a lot. I cried and for a couple of days all seemed gloomy. But listen, it was not meant to be. It really does not matter if he is not into you or anything else. You deserve someone to make you happy, not someone to make you say sorry all the time just because you are who you are. Unless you have a big defect you don’t need to change substantially to please a guy. Because you will lose your self respect.
    You should improve who your are for yourself not for a guy. Because in the end you will feel angry that you did so much for him. And that is also not good. Remain whole.

    in reply to: Help Needed regarding Relationship #58142
    elet
    Participant

    Dear Friend,
    I don’t think she sees this relationship as you do. You say that you are in love with her. Love is a strong feeling. Love is something really big.
    You are co-workers and see each other during work hours. Apart from the day at the train station you have not seen each other on a situation like a date or something like that. It seems to me that it is an unilateral thing. Therefore, there is no relationship.
    Sorry, dear friend. Let me assure you that there are plenty of nice, good and well educated women available in India.
    This one does not seem to be interested on you. You seem to be good, kind, caring and well educated yourself. Do not lose your time with this one. Join a volunteer group, yoga group, go for walks on parks, join a dating site, go to events, be proactive … You will find love when you least expect, until then enjoy yourself and your life.

    in reply to: Difficult Situation, Any advice would be appreciated #58127
    elet
    Participant

    Olly,
    You said that you were studying hard to get into college, than the narrative change to going to the Army. So, I really don’t know what you want to do, but that maybe because you also don’t know as well.
    Let me tell you one thing I know. Popularity is something seriously over-rated. My opinion is that is better to have only one friend, or at times none, than to have bad friends that are negative company to you, and that provide you with a false sense of camaraderie where no true friendship exist. Sometimes family feels the void, or you just have to wait and try to develop friendly relationships as time goes by. Both college and the Army are great places to make friend. High school is not such a great place to make lifelong friends because we are very young and we are still changing a lot. Just like yourself.
    A lot of people tell you they had their first kiss by 18 y.o and much more That does not mean it is true and that it happens to everyone. It also is an irrelevant fact. There is no set date to do any of it. It does not make you more macho or smarter or anything. The weight issue is a health issue and if you go to the Army they will make you thin or not accept you to begin with. It can be more difficult to find a girlfriend but not impossible. It does not interfere that much with friendships. It may cause problems with your self esteem though.
    You seem to be a pretty nice person as it is. You decided to improve your grades and you accomplished it. I guess you can do whatever you want. You know how to write quite well, you expressed yourself without problems and gave an interesting view of your problems. You say you have insight and acknowledge positive and negative aspects of your personality. Well done.
    There is time for everything in life. Socializing is only a part of it. At your age it may seem like socializing should take 90% of the time but it is not really the case. You need time to rest, to study, to work, to do many things. Socializing is only one aspect of life. Life is not only partying.
    Go to college and study. Let your high school “non-friends” party-only. You don’t need them anyways. You are growing, and they are not.

    in reply to: Difficulty Letting Go Two Years after Divorce #58121
    elet
    Participant

    The secret of doing is to do. Little by little, step by step. Sometimes you will do it right and other times you will do it wrong. It takes time and patience. As in, give two steps forward and one backward. But you know the story, Nike has the logo “Just do it”.
    If you already identified the problems then the moment is to act on the solution. Time for action. No more planning or thinking about, “Just do it”.

    in reply to: Difficulty Letting Go Two Years after Divorce #58100
    elet
    Participant

    Your situation is very difficult but there is a lot that can be done. You say that it was not very good before the divorce but the two of you were living together anyways. There was no love among yourselves, you had or still have no self-esteem, weight problems, neediness and so on. To me it seems that both of you are consciously ignoring that you guys have many individual problems to deal with. Expecting miracles to happen without taking action to solve these problems will not help.
    You guys have children and are giving them a bad example of how to solve problems. You can’t love other people if you don’t love yourself first. My friend, you said that life for you has no meaning (“no zest for life, needy, clingy”). This is no way to live. You are afraid, and that is OK.
    It is a situational/temporary problem. You can solve it. It does not stay like that forever. Time for a change! Inky and Matt appear to be on the right track. They are talking about the possibility of happiness, and of a new life. Your thought process is stuck; time to let go. It is all very unproductive and negative. Show something good and inspired to yourself and the kids.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)