Hi Anita,

Thanks so much for checking in 🙂

I feel horrible but I think I will manage to ‘digest’ things. My uncle is in total denial, so it’s very difficult to help him. I talked to his GP who said that nothing could be done anymore, he can die any time. My uncle dosen’t want to talk to his GP, the GP doesn’t want to tell my uncle that the cancer is everywhere and I don’t know how to communicate it gently either.  I told him to read what the hospital wrote when he left 2 weeks ago but he doesn’t seem to be interested. So why should I, in the end? I have organized everything he would need in case of pain or if he looses autonomy. He has enough money. I am not even allowed to bury him, in case the worst happens because his son is given as official caretaker. The problem is that they haven’t talked in 28 years. So I am a but stuck. But I think I cannot do more for him. I do the cleaning, shopping,  I have suspended my trips because of him but today I decided to plan my life. I told him to organize help, someone who does the shopping and cleaning. He has all the phone numbers he needs in case something goes wrong. He has to take responsibilities for his life as well. I am going to leave the country in a few weeks and take care of myself.  Overall, it’s been a tough 3,5 years, now it’s my time, it feels 🙂 I have nobody else to help me,  just myself.  It’s sad but true.  I have to take action and make changes in my life. I need to digest all the losses I have had in 3,5 years, I have to find a job or set up my business, I would like to have a partner as well. I would like to find a nice community with like-minded people, I need to decide where to settle, so, as you see, I have a lot to do.

Thanks again for asking, Anita, it’s good to know that you are around 🙂

Dear Jana,

I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s struggle. I am happy that it’s over and you enjoy life together. I think careers need therapy as well. It’s terrible to see your beloved suffer.

My uncle was offered surgery in the beginning. A team if oncologists say together and studied his bile duct cancer case and they said surgery was possible. My uncle refused it. He also refused immun therapy and chemo.  I fully supported him whatever he decided. I am convinced that we must be able to have the freedom to decide what to do with our bodies. Money and health insurance is not a problem. Yes, I am in contact with his GP and tell him about the smallest change. Now his voice is going away, he can hardly swallow anything. I asked the GP if I should cook special diet or buy him supplements.  He said no. Nothing can help at this point. He has weeks to go and he can die at any moment. Let him enjoy the little time he has. So I bring him cakes or whatever he desires. Although I know that sugar is not necessarily good for cancer patients. The GP said that we can fully control the pain at home, no problem. He also gave me the number of a good home where he can go for a checkup, stay for a few days, then go home again. I cannot talk about it with my uncle because he says he has no cancer, all is fine. He is terribly stubborn and can be aggressiv. He tells me I look really terribly tired and pale, basically sh..t, maybe I should see a doctor 🙂 he is probably right, I need a shrink 🙂 luckily you are here guys and i can write from time to time 🙂

So everything is organized for my uncle’s comfort, I can act fast when it’s time, he will not suffer and can stay at home as long as it’s possible. The problem is with the legal issues because i cannot bury him. His son – with whom he doesn’t talk – is the legal person and if my uncle doesn’t write down how he wants his funeral, God knows what will happen to his body. I cannot do anything. But it’s less of the problem.

Thanks for your answer and enjoy life with your boyfriend!

Dear Anita,thanks a lot for your beautiful poem.

I just love the fact that you are always so precise, 29 mins, not 30 after my post. And in general, whenever I read you on other posts, i just love the fact that you notify people when you’ll be back etc.. too cute 🙂

Yes,  I feel strong inside, I cry a lot, I spend time in the woods walking, so I think I am OK. I am just on my own and sometimes it’s good to reconnect with a group like tiny buddha and get another view on things than mine in my little head.

I will print out the poem and carry with me so it will remind me that things will get  better.

Dear Roberta

Thanks for the link. It’s exactly how I feel. I can just walk away in silence, give space to everybody.

Re my uncle,  the situation is a bit more complex.

I have always fully respected the fact that he didn’t want any treatment and psychological shell with his cancer. But now the cancer has spread everywhere and he is unable to leave his house. He has a son, who is the legal person. I am just his sister’s daughter. They haven’t talked to each  other since 30 years, since a very bad divorce. He has only me to do the shopping, cleaning and to entertain him a little bit. I am happy to do it but in the end his son will have to deal with the final outcome. I would like tgat his last will – how and where to be buried- is respected.  I think my uncle should write it down at least if he dosen’t want to talk to his son. My uncle dosen’t know how far the cancer has spread. He doesn’t know that I talked to his GO who told me he could die at any moment. I don’t have the force to tell my uncle and the GP said he wouldn’t tell him either.

I fully get your point Roberta, I fully agree that everybody has the right to decide about his or her own body and life. But if there are others involved, one should considerate them a little bit. I cannot leave a dog die alone, starving to death, so I cannot walk away my uncle either. Nobody can bring him milk or medication or water. Sad, but true. I have decided to stay with him until the end but as I mentioned above, he cannot have the funeral he wants unless he writes it down. Personally,  I don’t mind what happens with my body after I die. But he dies, he doesn’t want to be frozen for months before being burned.  We talked about this when my mum, his sister, died last year.

Thanks again for reading my long monologue and your help. I will walk away from the others in silence but not from my uncle. If he cares about what will happen to his body after he dies, it wouldn’t matter after, so maybe I worry about nothing, as usual. In the end, he should have worried about his body before getting ill.

Dear Peter,

Thanks a lot for your helpful answer and the book advice.

Yes, the question is, should I speak up or not. These are old relationships, so it’s not that easy. On the other hand, maybe this is time to ket go an old life and start it from scratch.  It’s also a good question to ask: I am acting out of what. Pride, anger, egocentrism, feeling of abandonment, fear… ? Will think about it.

Hi dear Anita,

You got my point perfectly.  Although I wouldn’t say blocking them is putting my head into the sand 🙂 I am just tired of confrontations, explanations etc. But I will consider your smart questions. You are also right about talking with these persons. Maybe the outcome will be positive.  Although I think they will say, I am over sensitive, they didn’t mean to hurt me 🙂

As I said to Jana, I will try to resume these long stories and will let you know. Maybe it’s easier to understand.

Thanks anyway for your helpful feedback!