I won’t go into detail about my childhood even though I do agree with you in the general sense that your upbringing does affect how you perceive the world when you get older. I do however believe that regardless of an upbringing a person’s will can get them as far as they want to go in life and the possibilities are endless. This is one of many reasons why I refuse medication as treatment to my depression. I feel I can fight it myself and overcome it through my own will. So far it hasn’t worked but I also haven’t succumb to following through with my thoughts of suicide, either.

I have tried psychotherapy but for the few therapists I went to, it seemed like they wanted to take my money and that’s about it. They didn’t try to offer advice or anything like that, they just sat and listened to me ramble on about my problems. Right now I can’t afford to pay since I have no insurance and my income is not enough.

In business, when you don’t know the market and you open up a new store or service, the chances of failure are high. And, if there’s not the market for that particular product or service then most times the business fails, simply because no one wants the thing that you’re trying to provide to them. But to have a business fail and then try again in the same market for the same thing won’t give you a different result. This is how I see myself in the dating world. No one wants what I have or who I am. There’s no sense in continue to try when I know failure is the result. 100% of the women i’ve been interested in all considered me just a friend. Nothing more. This is my problem. And you’d think that trying a different way to go about it would work, it doesn’t. I’m not relationship material, but yet I have good qualities. And that to me is puzzling. If i’m such a nice guy with all these qualities, then how is it no woman wants me? No one can answer that. And neither can I.

What I mean by “who I am” is that I have self-hatred and women don’t seem to be attracted to me. They look at me in pity I’m guessing. I’m in my 30s and have had a total of 2 relationships. One lasted a week, and the other lasted around a year with the girl going off the deep end a few times because she was mentally unstable and emotionally unavailable and I was trying to make it work and keep it going. Or, at least it felt that way. Ultimately she left me for a guy that fixed her phone while we were still together and that pretty much ended that. You see, I become their friend and that’s all they see. They don’t see anything else in me. I’m friend material. Nothing more. Even though I want more. I want a family. I’ve been told to meet people. I meet them and they either move, disappear, are not interested, or want to just be friends. I can’t win. So that’s what I mean as “I am me” I personally feel pathetic and worthless. Part of having a purpose in my mind is the ability and option to having children and a wife. This means at this point in time I have no purpose on this Earth since I can’t seem to find the woman that will accept me for me. I feel I’m a good person, I try to do the right things, I am considerate for others. But these qualities you find in friends, not lovers, or husbands or anything according to the women I’ve crossed paths with. They want the confidence, some want the physique, others want money. I have none of that. All I have is my integrity, my patience, and my heart to give. I don’t see any woman wanting that.
I don’t feel casual sex is right. That’s not from a religion or faith or anything like that, it is how I feel about it in my gut. So I don’t do it, nor will I want it. I don’t feel being intimate with someone is the same as going to the movies, but to me, the society we are in at the moment feels this way about sex. It’s lost its intimacy.
I want a relationship, pure and simple. With a woman that understands that concept fully and would want a one as well. So far she isn’t anywhere near me.

I can see how that could be a possibility based on what i’ve said so far, and I did say them, but not to mean it that way I guess? Being my last friend means that I don’t plan on making anymore after her, whether we remain friends or not, to me I don’t want anymore at all because I don’t want the nonsense that seems like it comes up whenever I do have friends in general and that are in close proximity to where I live.

As for the “kicking to the curb” comment I made, it feels like i’m being passed over for other friends, not just the new guy in her life, others too. I know i’m not that important, I get it, and I don’t want to be either, but one thing to understand is for several months, she would call sometimes multiple times per day about anything and everything, and then suddenly nothing. This instance makes me feel like I have been replaced because it was so frequent and so much and then it just dropped to zero. And then the comment that I needed to find someone else to talk to because she may not be around, that makes me feel like i’m unwanted as a friend and I am nothing to her anymore, suddenly. As if i’m disposable. I don’t feel that that comment was warranted by her. I feel any other person would take it the way I have. Do you agree?

In my own opinion since she’s pushing me away anyway, I don’t think it would matter which way I went out of her life. She doesn’t act like it matters whether I’m in her life at this point or not, so what would be the difference if I disappeared or took my life? I don’t feel there would be a difference. I don’t have friends because I’m tired of being ditched like this all the time. This isn’t the first time its happened to me. I told her a couple of weeks ago that she’s the last friend I will have and I truly feel that way. Just like I told my ex girlfriend she would be the last person I date, and six years later, i’ve stayed true to my word. I keep my word once I make up my mind. I do have a good head on my shoulders, I’m honest, i’m trustworthy, and I feel I have integrity. But I also go into the depths of depression frequently, and unfortunately my friends are the ones I go to to help me out of it since I haven’t found a way that works for me to get myself out of it. I feel like i’m a constant burden on anyone that I befriend, and I don’t want to feel like this, but it happens. I won’t take my life like I stated before because deep down inside I have something to live for, I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I think it’s basically saying that I need to give a big F-you to whatever is driving me to that point. I guess my point is, I continue each day in spite of wanting that exit. It’s a strange mentality to have, but so far I haven’t acted on my thoughts all these years. I do feel I need professional help and I did go to a therapist at one time but the financial strain was too much to bear so I stopped because I couldn’t afford the gas or the expense even after insurance.
So, at this point, reaching out on this forum is the only method I have to seeking advice because at this point, I’m up in the air as to what to do.

Our friendship has been a great one so far. I think she’s an amazing person and so is her son. She’s a wonderful mother and a good friend. Just an all-around great person. I believe she thinks similar thoughts about me, too. We have conversations that last hours and I have a blast playing and interacting with her son. It is like a form of therapy for me since he demands attention, it requires me to focus on him instead of myself and my own problems for the time that I’m there with him. So far, I can say it has been a win-win for both of us. We both try to help each other out as much as we can. Maybe in time she’ll be open to a relationship.

Thank you all for responding and giving different perspectives on this.

Anita, I have offered to hang out with her a couple of times even this week, mainly to distract her son so she can get some stuff done around the house. He demands a lot of attention and it’s just her to tend to the household duties along with tending to him, so anytime I can help distract him I offer, but so far she’s said no each time I’ve asked. I can see she’s stressed about work and other personal stuff, but at the same time, one can only do so much to help another person, then it’s up to them to either help themselves or ask for help. I just wish I could do something to help.

Online dating doesn’t work for me. I have tried several sites and different ways of writing up a profile and I still don’t get any responses when I message any woman. Apparently I’m not a salesperson when it comes to selling myself. I’m honest. I am who I am and what you see is what you get. I don’t lie, and I’m not going to do anything I’m uncomfortable doing. I don’t sleep around, I have my own place, my own vehicle, I work 3 jobs. I’m making ends meet for myself. From my own experience, women don’t want that. Or I should say, the ones that I have attempted to ask out don’t want that.

As for free things to do, well, I live in a very small town. The closest city is about 40 miles away in any direction. Other bigger small towns in the area are 25-30 miles away in any direction. The town I live in is about 3,000 people, mostly older people simply because after high school most kids either move closer to the city or they go off to college. Also, I’m 33, I’m too old in one group and too young for the other. The selection is very slim.

I think she is interested in me, she just won’t commit either because she doesn’t feel she deserves that or she just doesn’t want to. I think it’s because she feels she doesn’t deserve it because of her past. And that’s sad. She deserves a great guy, someone that accepts and respects her and wants to be with her for who she is, not what she has. And that goes for anyone.

@jack The last relationship I had ended in 2010 so it’s been a few years for me. For the most part, I am happy being alone. I like solitude and the quiet that I have in my life. I do enjoy being around people at times. I don’t like labels but most would consider me introverted, but in my own definition, I’m just me. Pure and simple.

But I do wish to have kids and a wife. Something to enjoy life with, share the experience with as I get older, the good and the bad. I’ve stopped going out and enjoying things because of the lack of money, so it’s hard to do things at home. There’s only so much you can do in your house without spending money and not getting tired of repetition. I have some other personal things going on in the background that restrict me from moving or gaining higher income etc. so right now I’m in limbo.

She came into my life and I’ve tried to not let myself get interested in her, but the more I know, the more she grows on me. But as I’ve said in previous responses, it’s best if I leave her be.