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HelcatParticipantI don’t even know where to start. So much has happened.
My husband was planning to leave and changed his mind when our dog died. He even bought a plane ticket. He called my sister and told her that we were getting a divorce.
Because I sent his mother a message about the horrible things that were being said behind my back with other people in the family. Because I was clear with her, as I have been with my husband that if he wishes to separate he can have 50/50 custody and I’m quite happy to draft this with a lawyer.
I set boundaries with him and said that this is all really unhealthy and it can’t continue. I only want to have healthy relationship whether that means that we separate or not. I said that in 6 months we should decide whether we want to separate or not and that if things are not better I will choose to separate.
I feel like I can’t even grieve my dog passing. I keep just expecting her to be there and she isn’t.
Things have been better with my husband since. He is really trying. I just feel hurt over everything that has happened. I feel bad that even though he is trying, I still feel hurt.
He has been trying to empathise, something that he has had difficulty with in the past.
I just feel like I’m going to get on his nerves being sad every day. I need to try and let some of this go. It is just a lot.
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts!
Please don’t worry, I consider the past between us water under the bridge. I feel like we’ve improved our relationship a lot already. I feel like consistency and trust still need to be worked on. These things will come in time. 😊
It is important to take care of ourselves when we feel we need it. I don’t resent that.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantAn additional thought, in a healthy happy relationship at least five positive interactions are required for every negative one. I think that might be applicable not only to individual relationships but to happiness as a whole. I doubt that as a child in a single day, you had that experience of at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction that you had. Instead, it sounds like you experienced many negative interactions on a daily basis from a variety of people and experienced fewer positive interactions. If you add all of that up, it sounds like you had a vast collection of negative experiences in your childhood.
Psychology is starting to take more seriously, the impact of things like this. These things can stick in your mind because children are sponges and developing their personalities.
You are really strong to work so hard to overcome these difficulties!
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
That is difficult growing up in a large family, it is hard to give adequate care to each child when there are so many. It must have been so hard for you to essentially raise yourself.
I think that who you spend the most time with tends to influence you the most deeply. It is hard for a child to understand why things happen. They tend to just focus on the effects.
I was looking after my son yesterday and he is going through a needy phase again crying when I leave the room, wanting constant attention. He is learning to use his voice to get what he wants. 😂 It can get a bit overwhelming with only one child.
I’m sorry that your mother had difficulty handling the stress of raising a large family and that your father wasn’t able to be around as much as you needed him to be. I’m glad that your relationship with them is better now. ❤️
Regarding your brother. There is no way to help someone who doesn’t want the help. It is only when they are ready to change that they can be helped. Anita is right about the brain damage that long term drinking causes. I’m sorry that only so much can be done.
It really is best as you said to focus on taking care of yourself.
Wow your partner has a really intense job. I’m so sorry that he was turned down a promotion because of his nationality. He has been through so much, he deserves only good things. I’m glad that he has you. ❤️
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
That is very kind of you, thank you I really appreciate your support!
Yes, it is nice to be able to support each other. 😊
You are right, we do have a lot in common. You are perhaps one of the few people that have been through similar to what I have been through. And one of the few people who have healed enough to care about others experiences. That is not an easy feat! It can be difficult to talk about things which are triggers for our own experiences.
I appreciate that you are reaching out to me and discussing this. I would have done it before but I didn’t want to upset you.
I’m sorry for my part in things too. I was not easy to deal with and I’m sorry that I made you feel bad. You deserve to feel happy and safe in this place that you love so much. I’m sorry for disturbing that peace for you.
I want you to know that I don’t judge you. I have been in the same situation myself and in some ways, with my partner I still am. I’m sorry to say that I have made mistakes too. I think that you are amazing for overcoming difficulties that were not ever even once your fault.
I know that I am straightforward and I can say things that are hard to hear and that people disagree with. I’m going to try my best to be gentle and pay attention to how you feel in our communication. Because I missed that cue before when we were communicating. I hope that if I ever hurt your feelings that you tell me how you feel, so that I can apologize.
I won’t reply on your thread until you ask me to because I am still respecting that you asked me not to.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
Thank you for the love and concern. I will do my best!
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
I’m glad to hear that you are well. 😊
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
I’m sorry for the delay in replying. It is just hard for me to think at the moment and your posts are thought provoking. I want to respond to you with the attention and focus that you deserve because I really enjoy our conversations.
I’m sure that your collection of random thoughts is more valuable than you realise. A dry read is not a bad thing. Some of my favourite books other people have considered dry.
Personally, I think that it is important for people to share their thoughts, their memories, their valuable knowledge that they have learned throughout their lives. I have always wanted to write a book with a collection of whatever people wished to share about themselves.
That is a very important skill to view thoughts with a pinch of salt. I’m glad to hear that you don’t have many intrusive thoughts. Being a chemist must have been fascinating!
I respect your humility. I don’t mean to suggest that you have attained buddhahood, just that you are perfectly imperfect and there is nothing wrong with that. 😊
I don’t think that it is the same for all animals. There are specific animals that are known to be more intelligent for example there are some that are capable of grieving (elephants, dogs and dolphins for example). A large dog is known to be as intelligent as a 4 year old. I don’t believe that even the ones that do have the awareness ruminate to the extent that we do. They tend to react to their immediate circumstances and triggers for memories. Then again there are plenty of animals who don’t have that level of awareness.
That is a good question about freedom to choose. Personally, I believe that fate plays a role in our lives. But we do also have some freedom to choose. It is challenging because I feel that people often run on autopilot until something expands their awareness and causes them to consider their actions and choices. Regarding choices there is usually something that people tend to lean towards due to their personality. The trick is sometimes that making decisions can be hard and that it should not be done on impulse and it should be done calmly because I find that bad decisions can be made under stress. What do you think about your question?
Thank you for sharing what Buddha told his disciples on his deathbed. I hadn’t heard that before. I can certainly understand it. But personally I like to learn from others experiences. I believe that it is faster and can save me a lot of time and suffering. Although you are right, some things are harder to accept than others. Trust, but verify. It is helpful to have a pointer to go in the right direction. Sometimes even with that pointer, even with help it can still take a long time to get there.
That is fascinating to learn that these texts were written hundreds of years later.
Thank you for sharing and as always, I’m eager to hear your thoughts! You take care as well. ❤️
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
I’m going to write to you properly later, I’m just used to handling large dogs that pull, I’m small and light too, so I have some advice. I wish you lots of luck!
If you google Ezydog convert harness you want something like that. The handle on that is really great for situations where your dog might pull. The longer a leash is the more leverage the dog has when they start pulling, so you want a short leash while you are training her to walk without pulling. There are some good no shock leashes for comfort when a dog pulls. Ezydog has a zero shock lead. It’s elasticated. But there are different kinds of pulling that dogs do. Something like the Zeedog rough leash 2.0 I found is good if the elasticated one isn’t suitable. One of my dogs found the elastic fun to pull on because it has a bit of stretch. 😂 A hands free dog walking belt can be helpful for yourself can be used in addition with another lead for extra security if you still have any difficulties.
Is it only with other dogs that she pulls or at other times too?
My advice for navigating situations with other dogs would be to give them space. There will be a point when she starts getting excited as you get closer. Let her stay at a distance that she is calm. Get her used to that, and little by little over time not on the same walk get her used to being closer and calmer near other dogs and give her lots of praise when she is successful. I often taught my boy who pulled to sit when a dog came closer and I would do my best to stand and wait at a distance for someone to pass. Teaching a look at me command was helpful too. You can practice this at home first. I would pay attention to where other dogs were and wait for them to go heading along.
I don’t know if you are bothered by her mouthing your arm?
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you so much! I teared up at your words. Truly beautifully written, you have a talent for saying the kindest things. It was like a warm blanket.
How are you doing by the way? Did you ever get that crown sorted?
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I’m sorry to hear that you are sad. Please don’t worry about me. It was actually nice to say goodbye properly. With the others I hadn’t been able to.
I know that being a veterinarian is a hard job because euthanasia can be depressing but I genuinely believe that it is a kindness. Being cared for in a medical setting with the comfort that provides is kind of like a loved one being in the hospital. I’m glad that I could do that for her.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
Thank you for thinking of me. ❤️ It was a rough couple of days. I will definitely write back to you properly soon.
How are you doing?
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you so much. 🙏❤️
They drained the fluid from around her organs and she regained enough strength to crawl over to us one last time. I think that shows how much she wanted to be with us.
A beautiful light is gone from this world. She really was the perfect dog. Every time she was at the vet they always commented on how good she was. She was always friendly with everyone.
She was an anxious dog. She had a fear of anything with wheels. A fear of strange things. Like a ladder being left in the street.
She loved food and her walks and to destroy and eat random objects like socks and anything made of leather. She was a runner and an athlete in her prime. She would go on massive 9 hour hikes while her brother was too lazy. She would never allow her own toys to exist for more than a day, but when the baby came she didn’t destroy his toys. She started playing with them without destroying them. We didn’t teach her this, she did it naturally all by herself.
She was so smart, she could even open doors with her paws using the handle.
She loved her brother so much, they were littermates. People say not to get litter mates because they can be harder to manage but she only just wanted to be a good girl. I believe that she actually understood rules and when I asked her to do something for a good reason she always did it, but when it was for the sake of it to practice a command she complained. It was like she was saying I’ve been a good girl, I haven’t done anything wrong, why are you telling me to do this?
When the baby came she was jealous of the baby and sulked for months because she felt like she was the baby. But then she realised that she wasn’t being replaced and that the baby was a new source of attention and food. They became firm friends and the baby would intentionally share his chicken with her. She was his favourite and was patient with him, even letting him ride on her back with our support obviously.
I couldn’t believe that she died. I just wanted her to wake up. Nothing will be the same without her.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thanks for your kind message.
We are going to put her down now. They found the problem. It was a heart tumour. She did her very best to hang on for us.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantShe’s not responding to treatment… stopped being able to stand.
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