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HelcatParticipantI’m reading a fascinating book called Letting Go by David Hawkins. It made me want to share what I just read. It was discussing the effects of expressing negative feelings to others. Essentially, it has negative effects on others. And for us it provides a temporary release and suppresses the issue out of awareness.
I thought that this was a wonderful insight that I hadn’t heard of before.
The answer is said to be taking responsibility for our own feelings. It is said that we project our feelings about ourselves onto others.
Consider blame and ignoring. I blame myself for making mistakes and perceived weakness. I ignore my own needs. I hide from even myself.
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
Earlier, I was reflecting on an inspirational quote that you provided. Is it kind, true and necessary? It truly is inspirational to me too, so I wanted to thank you again for sharing that.
I remembered from earlier on your thread that was what you have been reading. I’ve read some of his books too. They were a great resource. 😊
I would agree about consciousness. I don’t tend to partake in much of that type of thing especially when I’m feeling vulnerable. With the exception of violence on television and when I am feeling okay I do read some news because I believe it is important to be informed about the state of the world, I am selective about what I choose to read and watch. I stay away from triggers. I tend to be the kind of person who is very aware that television isn’t real and I really enjoy stories. I used to watch a lot of martial arts stuff back in the day, so I really do think of violence on television as choreographed. Unless it is UFC fighting or something. I don’t tend to watch actual fighting.
Regarding intention, I don’t tend to have aspirations like that for egotistical purposes. I’m a very practical person. When raising a family, money is ideal. The better that we take care of our son, the better his life can be. I’d suggest that these things can also provide happiness as well as not provide it. I tend to veer on the practical side. Our son needed a new pram since he was growing too big for the old one, we like to walk outdoors as a family and invested in a pram that was suitable for that. It turns out it’s very helpful with pain for me, so when I use the pram I am thankful for it. I hope this makes sense?
I totally agree with the food and sense impressions, I do feel like the sense impressions is intertwined with the other categories previously mentioned. I think sense impressions is the thing that I struggle with the most being neurodivergent. I tend to get overwhelmed with my senses.
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantI tried the advise that John gave me. It’s a work in progress. I feel like some things are easier to step back from. When something that is harder for me to step back from pops up, like relationship fears. It just plays on a loop in my head for a bit trying to grab my attention and get me to interact with it. I stayed strong and refused to interact with it. In time it went away. It was easier to step back from things after that and I felt calmer throughout the day.
HelcatParticipantI’m very lucky that I got a lot of help with my mental health over the years. People like me usually end up addicted to drugs or dead. Instead, I have a beautiful family and I’m half way through my bachelor’s degree. I can’t complain. I don’t have flashbacks unless there is a trigger. I feel like my body remembers more than I do now. Yes, I have anxiety, but things could be worse. I noticed because of the beta blocker that half of my anxiety is related to being uncomfortable with the physical sensations of anxiety. Simply removing those sensations makes things more manageable.
Our dog is feeling lonely and having anxiety when we leave the house. We’re talking about getting another dog to help him feel better.
Soon it will be two weeks since we’ve had an argument. I’m glad that things are going better.
December 14, 2024 at 2:02 pm in reply to: How healthy is the idea that you are 100% responsible #440578HelcatParticipantI have a saying “In life we don’t always get what we deserve, we just get what we are given and we have to do the best we can with what we have. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.”
December 14, 2024 at 1:55 pm in reply to: How healthy is the idea that you are 100% responsible #440577HelcatParticipantI guess what that means is that context and the belief that people don’t deserve for bad things to happen to them are really important.
December 14, 2024 at 1:42 pm in reply to: How healthy is the idea that you are 100% responsible #440574HelcatParticipantAdditional thoughts: I’d like to highlight the difference between responsibility and blame.
I was assaulted by someone I had previously had a friends with benefits thing with. I ended that after a couple of dalliances because how I was being treat was making me feel extremely uncomfortable.
I didn’t manage my boundaries well. I take responsibility for that.
On the night I was assaulted, I didn’t take common precautions that people recommend. I take responsibility for that. Namely, not to be alone with a man in the evening especially after drinking.
However, there were reasons that I had difficulty with managing my boundaries and wasn’t aware of common precautions. I came from an abusive home as a child. No one taught me these things. I don’t blame myself for not knowing them. Infact, I was taught the opposite. I was taught that sex was all that anyone would want from me and that I would be used and thrown away.
I didn’t make him assault me. He chose to do that all by himself.
I was responsible for my reactions to the assault. I was severely traumatised for years until I got therapy. But I don’t blame myself for that because I had a difficult childhood. These things take help to recover from and that is okay.
I think the difference between responsibility and blame is compassion. If there is compassion and understanding. I don’t see any harm in it. Treating these things without compassion is harmful and would be victim blaming.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
December 14, 2024 at 12:27 am in reply to: How healthy is the idea that you are 100% responsible #440511HelcatParticipantHi Danny
I think that it honestly depends. There are things that people are in control of and some things that they aren’t.
For example, if someone had very unhealthy habits and they developed cancer because of those habits. They would bear responsibility for causing their own cancer. Would they deserve to suffer? No, I don’t believe that anyone deserves to suffer. But the goal would be that they would get treatment, recognise their unhealthy habits and stop them.
Whereas, someone with a genetic predisposition to cancer, or if they were just old, it wouldn’t be caused as a result of their actions.
A child is not responsible for being in an abusive relationship because they are vulnerable and unable to protect themselves. If it is a parent, they didn’t choose to be born.
An adult in an abusive relationship often chooses to stay in that relationship. They are responsible for that choice, but they are not responsible for the other person’s actions. However, they are responsible for not protecting themselves or any children. Sometimes there are reasons for that. Previous trauma, depression, financial problems.
I don’t believe that acceptance of the situation is the same as taking responsibility for it. But you can take responsibility for your reaction to a situation. Emotional regulation is a responsibility that we all have because it not only impacts us, but those around us.
A great cause of depression and anxiety is not accepting reality and wishing that things were different. Figuring out how to live in the best way with what we are given is important. For example, if a child dies and there are other children or a partner. There is a responsibility to figure out a way to continue despite the hardship.
At the same time hope is important in cases where things can be changed because it is a motivator for change. But it needs to be tempered. It needs to be achievable, a plan that is followed and not an obsession. The goal is not to put all of your eggs in the one basket. To not be crushed by failure, because it takes time to achieve goals sometimes.
I hope that this perspective makes some sense. It is not intended to be hurtful. There is a lot of hardship in the world, but I believe that it is important to learn from it where possible and to find happiness. There are many ways to deal with hardship, but it often requires the help of others to teach you how to do that because it is hard especially when young and you haven’t yet learned how to overcome hardship, to navigate difficulties. If you have any thoughts or questions, I’d be happy to hear them.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
At some point. I just haven’t had a lot of time to read recently. I have been focusing more on relationship counselling stuff.
I did finally finish all of that reading and I am trying to get back into reading spiritual things again. It’s not Buddhist, but Daoist that I’m currently reading. The Book of Master Lie by Lieh Tzu. I do believe all of these things are interrelated.
I’ll post a good story from it soon when I come across one. 😊
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Jana
Thank you so much for your advise! You have an excellent self-care routine. You’ve inspired me to be more diligent with this myself. 😊
Apologies for the misunderstanding. I’m glad to hear that your partner is more relaxed with his work now. Those do sound like good recommendations for everyone.
P.S. I’m enjoying your summary of the noble truths so far!
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi John
I’m sorry I didn’t notice your message until today. I also found your email, it had accidentally gone to my junk folder. I will write back to you as soon as I have finished listening to the broadcast. Thank you for sending it, it was very kind of you.
How are you doing?
Changing the harmful and not denying the existence of weakness sounds very wise to me.
That is honestly fair. The way I think of it is that there are many ways to help people. Every job in the world is some form of helping. I’m sure that you have helped people in a lot of ways that you might not even realize. You certainly have helped me. 😊 You never know when something might be helpful, because people have memories. Something that might not seem helpful at the time can become very helpful later on.
I used to believe that individual pain was unique, but I don’t feel that way anymore. Perspectives on pain differ though, and I believe that changing the perspective can be helpful. To the individual, the worst thing that they have experienced, is always the worst thing that they have experienced.
I feel like my worst days are far behind me. Because I have experienced a lot of pain in my life and had a lot of therapy, I feel like the past provides a measure of perspective when I experience difficulties in my life.
“Giving up is NOT an option.” I like that! I’m glad that your mother was able to pass on that valuable lesson.
I would say that I view my emotions as a habit or an addiction to overcome.
That makes sense to me! Haha I would never consider you an emotionless robot.
Thank you so much for your advise today! I will do my best to practice and learn from it. 🙏
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipant*trigger warning for this journal entry*
That was the greatest hits of the first 15 years of my life. I prayed for it all to stop, I even wished for her to die during one of her overdoses, so that our suffering would end.
I was taking care of my brother since I was 4 years old. Cooking and cleaning while she slept all day.
Instead, it finally ended when she admitted to a doctor her plans to kill us. And I took the opportunity to leave and refused to come back while she was admitted to a mental hospital.
She tried bribing me to come back. She tried stalking me. I said that the only thing she had to do to have a relationship with me would be to apologize for everything that she had done. She couldn’t admit what she had done. She denied it. And said “I’m sorry for whatever you think I’ve done. I don’t remember.” To which I said “Goodbye”.
HelcatParticipant*trigger warnings for this journal entry*
I tried fighting her for a while before I was successful. I didn’t understand what was happening to me when I was younger. But when I hit puberty I knew that what was happening at home wasn’t normal. I was being sexually abused by my own mother.
I remember having a school project once and I was asked to bring in photographs of when I was younger. I asked my mother and she said that she didn’t have any. So I looked through storage and found some. I took them into school and I was told that I didn’t have to do the project. The teacher chose not to report the pictures. When I asked my mother about them she said that my father’s friend had taken them.
My brother was initially raised as a girl because my father wanted a girl. Our father left when I was young and he was also a violent alcoholic.
Back to my mother. She would buy me see through underwear and make me model it for her. She would often make us strip before beating us infront of each other. She would request nude cuddling. She tried grooming my friend and gave them translucent underwear too. Fortunately, my friend refused. When my period came, she tried to force herself on me to teach me to use a tampon. Fortunately, I managed to fight her off.
But there were many times when I wasn’t strong enough to. She would tickle me while I was undressed and I would beg her to stop. And to leave me alone. And I would start trying to fight her off me. And then she would suffocate me by sitting on my chest (she was a very plump woman and I was a tiny anorexic because of starvation, young girl) until I passed out.
I was terrified of dying during these times. I practised holding my breath every night. So I might live next time it happened. I got very good at holding my breath. I cried myself to sleep silently every night, the sound of me crying annoyed her.
She would often describe to me at length how she was planning on killing us in our sleep. And I learned to sleep very lightly incase she tried.
We were known to social work when I was older. But she threatened to kill us if we talked. Social work didn’t care about the neglect that they were aware of. I remember calling and saying that there was no food at home. They took us out for lunch and dropped us off back at home with no food in the house. I didn’t call again.
My brother was violent. He would assault me and strangle me when he didn’t get his way (I had to make sure that we followed our mothers strict rules when she wasn’t home because she would know if we broke the rules and punish us).
My mother tried to give us away to other members of the cult.
HelcatParticipant*trigger warnings for this journal entry*
I haven’t shared a great deal about my experiences of being abused by my biological mother.
She claimed to love me. But she openly hated my brother and blamed him for our father leaving. My brother defied her at every turn, this infuriated her. Whilst I tried to avoid being punished wherever I could, he didn’t. I frequently had to intervene to protect him from serious bodily harm. As well as the beatings, she would frequently try to stab him. He was younger than me and I would have to fight her off with a broom.
She tried hitting us with a variety of objects and when something was too dangerous and hurting us badly, I openly acknowledged hiding it, so that my brother would not be beaten for my actions and took a beating. Every time my brother called for help I was there. I promised him this and he promised me. But when I called he didn’t try to help because he was too afraid.
I mentioned being drowned by her and being spat on before in the bathroom. She tried to bathe me well into my teens. Until I grew strong enough to fight her off. It was in defending myself that I was drowned. But this wasn’t the only time that this kind of thing happened…
HelcatParticipantGuilt was not the reason for staring those stories. Empathy was. I have no judgements. I understand. There is nothing to fear.
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