Forum Replies Created
November 28, 2022 at 7:58 am #410893
You all are very wise and insightful people and I truly feel blessed. You’ve just added to my strength and helped me unearth what I really knew deep down all along.
I will be moved out by the end of January and I’ve already started to look for homes. I’m filing the papers this week.
God bless you all for your time and wisdom. You make the world a better place. And yes you’re right I’ve more than learned from my past and ready to hopefully help others when needed too.
again many blessings.November 26, 2022 at 3:51 pm #410827
There are so so many other instances of disrespect, mental and emotional abuse, and red flags that are not even worth going into. In retrospect, I feel like such a fool but this is what happens when you’re truly lost and not living your truth.
thank you all again.November 26, 2022 at 3:49 pm #410822
Thank you Anita. And to everyone.
I’m very excited about letting go of this marriage , learning from it and living in peace. I have told him I want to divorce. Now that I’m in a much better place personally and spiritually, I have to tools I need to get through this and come out better on the other side.November 26, 2022 at 6:58 am #410743
And yes since we’ve been married I’ve learned much more about his personality. He absolutely has narcissistic tendencies and shows blatant outright signs of having a superiority complex. In every case no matter who he’s speaking to, he must dominate the conversation. He knows everything about everything and never ever shows any sign of being inferior or wrong. He goes so far as to proactively belittle others unprovoked just to drive his narrative. He’s what they call an energy vampire I’ve learned. About a year or so ago, I approached him on this in a very moving manner and said that it is inhibiting growth in all relationships in his life, including ours. I suggested he get help and look within as it’s a mentally draining way to live. He said I was attacking his character and said he’d think about it but that he’d never been told this before in prior relations. He’s done nothing to improve but I make the point as I feel that thus flaw is a huge driver in the extreme way he’s reacted to me and my past. It’s clear he’s used it as a weapon to keep me “below” him.November 26, 2022 at 6:22 am #410741
And he went to extremes to dig info on me and it lasted months – taking my hard drive, copying my personal info onto his computer, etc
he became obsessedNovember 26, 2022 at 6:19 am #410739
I can’t thank you all enough for your feedback. I feel like angels are chiming in for me. I’ve spoken to family about this but they’re admittedly biased so it’s immensely helpful to get feedback from a neutral source.
to answer your question on why I married so quickly – I was in a very bad place when I decided to marry him. I had divorced a year before that to a man that I was with for 20 years. He and I really just grew apart and I fell out of love with him. When that happened I let fear of what to do next overtake me as all I’d known since I was 22 was being in love with him. So instead of facing my truth, I crawled under a rock and started having an affair. It was by far the most dark worst period of my life. It of course led to my divorce and after that I spent the following year just making wreckless choices and very lost. By the time my current husband and I went out on our first date, I was desperate to be happy. Yes he was a charmer from the start – I’ve never heard the term love bomb but that’s exactly what he did. And I fell for it.
On the flip side, I was not open about my past with him when we married. I didn’t tell him about my affair. I had ended that affair and regretted every second and to me it was personal and something I knew I would never do again so I didn’t feel it necessary to “announce” it. I simply wanted to just shed the bad and start new. But I did mischaracterize myself to him in that I told him I spent the prior year after my divorce being low key when in fact I was really reckless.
so after about a year into this current marriage, my current husband started snooping, broke into my email , computer and dug up information about my past. So I begrudgingly told him all the details of my ugly few years before him and it was awful. I personally entered into counseling amx that’s when I really started to heal. I also took very aggressive personal steps to revive spirituality into my life which has been my true savior. I spent that next year making every effort to improve myself and I’m proud to say I did it. In the meantime, my current husband was angry, bitter, cruel, belittled me and called me names, etc – was not at all involved in my betterment even when I tried to get him involved.
I have a close friend who knows all the details of my past and she stated that while he has a right to feel somewhat betrayed, that his extreme response to something I did before him is unreasonable. I tend to agree but he’s been such a master at making me feel like such a low person and bad guy that I’ve questioned this.
Hes spent the last 3 years in a place of resentment, anger and guilting me even though I’ve clearly improved myself and grown personally. With the risk of sounding silly, I’m truly a model spouse – I’ve been patient with him, loving, and humble but he’s given me no credit or support.
I just wanted you to know the whole story as I didn’t feel it would be fair to leave that out.November 25, 2022 at 2:27 pm #410722
PS I also gave him the ultimatum to see a counselor at The first of the year. We’ve seen one together but we didn’t get far. I saw a counselor at the beginning of our marriage and did a ton of personal work and gif myself in a very centered peaceful place. He never once wanted to know about my progress or discussed it with me even when I tried to. He’s got work to do personally amd I told him he had to see a counselor at the beginning of the year. He did but he used the time to construct the narrative that I was the bad guy for “making him go” and came out on the other end angry and bitter at me.
I pretty much don’t have anything left and am ready to move forward with my life in peace.November 25, 2022 at 2:21 pm #410721
Thanks to you both for your advice and compassion. You’re right. I don’t think he took my concerns seriously each time and probably thinks nothing will happen if he doesn’t erase it. This isn’t an isolated incident. It goes along with many other concerns / red flags that have continually popped up over the course of our short marriage. We were married very quickly so I never got a chance to get to know him.
he’s also mysteriously withdrawn 700 in cash over the course of a month. We keep a very tight budget and never use cash and keep track of every penny. It’s his account but I have access (I have my own bank account that he has access to)
I started checking his pockets and each time a large chunk was spent in one day. For example he had 140 in his pocket one day and by the next morning it was gone. He’s also “friends” with the woman he had a affair with in his first marriage years ago and still communicates with her. There are just multiple trust issues.