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Lack of respect or cheating?

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  • #410837
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    you are very welcome! I am glad you’ve decided to ask for a divorce because unfortunately, based on everything you’ve said, your husband seems to only want to control you, put you down and punish you for your past mistakes. According to him, you should always feel bad about yourself, completely disregarding that it was before the two of you met, and that you’ve changed since, and never ever cheated on him throughout the course of your marriage.

    He feels betrayed, although you’ve never betrayed him. You only haven’t disclosed certain information which you weren’t too proud of, but which were not relevant for your marriage, because you had realized by then that you made a mistake and would never do such a thing again.

    So you weren’t obliged to tell him, because you left your past behind. However, as anita noticed, he hasn’t done the same: he is still in touch with the woman he cheated his first wife with, and has a tinder app which he refuses to delete. So while he is judging you for your “unforgivable transgressions” in the past, he is in fact disrespecting you and possibly even cheating on you right now, as we speak. That’s what a hypocrite would do.

    Now I understand why you didn’t have the strength till now to put those ultimatums into practice, i.e. to leave when he refused to delete the app. It’s because he was guilt-tripping you for your past mistakes, making you feel like a bad person, and you partially believed him (he’s been such a master at making me feel like such a low person and bad guy that I’ve questioned this.)

    Probably that’s the reason you’ve missed the red flags or looked away: because he was putting you down all the time and perhaps you (or a part of you) felt like you don’t deserve better. So you endured his abuse… sometimes protesting (giving him “ultimatums”), but eventually doing nothing to change the situation, accepting more of his abuse and disrespect.

    Well, I am so glad that this has changed now, that you’ve grown so much personally and spiritually that you don’t want to tolerate his abuse any longer.

    I’m very excited about letting go of this marriage , learning from it and living in peace.

    I can imagine you’re excited, because you finally see things clearly, and you also know you did everything in your power to make your marriage better, but he was unwilling. He really just wanted to manipulate you and punish you, feeling like a piece of trash… so that he could control you. It was a power game. I am so glad you’re getting out of it!

    As anita said, equip yourself with a good legal counsel because narcissists can be nasty when they are broken up with. He might seek revenge in some way, so please be prepared for some more nastiness on his part. But you’ve grown so much, you’re much stronger now, so he shouldn’t be able to intimidate you. Know that you’re right and that truth is on your side!!

     

    #410841
    anita
    Participant

    Hi Hello:

    You are welcome. I can’t say it better than Tee did right above.

    It is sad how people hurt people.. for no reason other than that they feel like it, it makes them feel better. This is what abuse is about and what this man has been doing. The title of your thread is “Lack of respect or cheating?“- I’d say it’s marital abuse and nothing less than that.

    anita

    #410893
    Hello
    Participant

    You all are very wise and insightful people and I truly feel blessed. You’ve just added to my strength and helped me unearth what I really knew deep down all along.
    I will be moved out by the end of January and I’ve already started to look for homes. I’m filing the papers this week.
    God bless you all for your time and wisdom. You make the world a better place. And yes you’re right I’ve more than learned from my past and ready to hopefully help others when needed too.
    again many blessings.

    #410895
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation and kind words, it feels good to read them. I hope that you feel comfortable about posting if and whenever you feel like it, whenever you need support. Many blessings back to you!

    anita

    #410923
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    you are very welcome! I am so glad that our words helped you and strengthened your resolve to do the right thing: leave your controlling and manipulative husband. I wish you success in finding a new place for yourself and in the divorce process itself.

    And I wish you too many blessings and Godspeed in your journey ahead!

    #411144
    anita
    Participant

    I hope you are well, Hello. Remember: you are welcome to post here at any time so to express yourself and to receive input (if you’d like input).

    anita

    #411561
    Hello
    Participant

    Hello All.
    I wanted to check in and give you an update since I last posted. Thank you again for all the guidance! It’s been very helpful. Since we’ve posted, I’ve signed a new lease and made it clear to my husband that I want to divorce and move forward.
    I move into my new home jan 15th and have been very open to him about this process and my plans.
    I told him right after thanksgiving and to be honest, it didn’t seem as if he took it seriously or wanted to accept it. He cried and said don’t do this and proceeded to spend the next couple of weeks “wooing” me – telling me how perfect I al, how much he loves me, etc etc

    I stayed focused on moving forward and made sure not to feed into this and remained clear on my intentions. After a couple of weeks, I reiterated that this was happening and I had found a place, etc. He asked if I loved him anymore and I took the opportunity to tell him that I don’t have anything left – that I’ve been a model wife , partner for over three years and he has only continued to insult who I am, beat me up for my past mistakes and show little to zero warmth in our marriage. I told him that I’ve so much as begged him to work towards finding love for me and it hasn’t happened. I also took the opportunity to mention that I’ve now officially kindly asked you to remove the tinder app from your phone and it’s still there. I also told him that I’m not at all comfortable with the fact he still communicates with the woman he had sn affair with while beating me up over having an affair (that didn’t happen with him!).
    So it felt good to express those things even though I’m very much finished with hammering all of this out as I’ve done many times in the past.
    I’m writing because the most interesting aspect of this that since then he’s done nothing to respond to those concerns. Instead, that evening he acted as if the conversation never happened and instead continued to try to “woo” me romantically and play the perfect spouse by helping around house, etc.

    In my opinion if he truly cared a lot looking within, proving his care and respect for me, he would have immediately responded differently by saying  something like “I’ll erase tinder now  and I’m truly sorry” or “ I can see how me speaking to my x affair would be hypocritical “

    but no – he’s done nothing to dive into the real issues which tells me he has no intentions of doing so

    I can say that if I truly loved someone, I’d d do what I needed to do to keep them around

    in fact I did do that  for him and for myself but he’s not willing to do so

    I’ve learned this is how a narcissist works now and I wish I was more aware in the beginning. I researched the term “love bombing” amx wow he fit the description perfectly. I make 80% of our income and he has always spent way too much money and been quite irresponsible with it. I won’t even go into how bad that’s been, but in the context of love bombing – I turned 50 last year and he presented me with a super lavish gift of Tiffany pearl necklace, earrings and bracelet. It was way over the top. It costs 6,000 dollars and he only makes 30k a year at the most. We are tight on money and he’s constantly beaten me up over that too. Yet he bought this gift and put it on credit paying 500 per month the next year to pay it off. That was 500 less he had to put towards our bills and it only put more stress on me to pay them. The lavish gift was the definition of love bombing and hypocritical / manipulative in so many ways
    I’m focused entirely on moving forward and very much looking forward to the other side of this.

    #411567
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    You are welcome and congratulations for signing a new lease for next month, Jan 15, 2023!

    When I read of his response (“He cried and said don’t do this, and proceeded to spend the next couple of weeks ‘wooing’ me – telling me how perfect I am, how much he loves me, etc. etc.“) and before I read the rest of your post, I thought to myself: I wonder if he is concerned with not having access to your money once you separate from him.

    After thinking the above, I read this: “I make 80% of our income and he has always spent way too much money and been quite irresponsible with it… he only makes 30k a year at the most“.

    “I reiterated that this was happening and I had found a place, etc. He asked if I loved him anymore and I took the opportunity to tell him that I don’t have anything left… I told him that… I also took the opportunity to mention that I’ve now officially kindly asked you to remove the tinder app..”-

    – the reason I boldfaced the above is to discourage you from telling him anything anymore: he is not honest with you, and therefore, there is no reasonable hope for an honest conversation with him. Therefore, whatever you tell him is not likely to promote an honesty that does not exist; instead, it is likely to be used against you: if he can use what you tell him against you… he probably will.

    I’ve learned this is how a narcissist works now and I wish I was more aware in the beginning. I researched the term ‘love bombing’ and wow, he fits the description perfectly”“- make practical use of this understanding of him by … not giving him any additional opportunity to take advantage of you, and by protecting yourself from him in any and every way that is possible for you.

    I’m focused entirely on moving forward and very much looking forward to the other side of this“- excellent, I hope the other side happens sooner than later!

    anita

    #411584
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    thank you for the update! I am glad you’re moving towards separation as you planned and will have your own place since January 15! Congratulations, well done!

    In my opinion if he truly cared a lot looking within, proving his care and respect for me, he would have immediately responded differently by saying something like “I’ll erase tinder now and I’m truly sorry” or “ I can see how me speaking to my x affair would be hypocritical “

    but no – he’s done nothing to dive into the real issues which tells me he has no intentions of doing so

    It does seem he has no intentions to change, but believes, rather immaturely, that he can woo you with his love bombing and his “good behavior”, so you would forget everything he did so far, so he can continue doing what he’s done so far: spending your money, possibly cheating on you with other women, and assassinating your character, so you would feel like a bad person who owes him something. His motive could be both mental dominance/control over you, and financial exploitation. A very toxic combination.

    It’s good you’ve explained to him why you don’t love him any more, but I agree with anita – there is no need to explain it further. You don’t need to justify your decision any more. You’ve made a good choice – finally your self-preservation instinct kicked in, and you saw how harmful he is to you. And you decided to run for the hills!

    If he starts getting nasty now that his love bombing tactics isn’t working – you may want to stay at the hotel if necessary. Or stay mostly in your room, minimize contact with him. Be cold and curt with him. The goal is not to expose yourself to his manipulation any more, so the less contact you have, the better.

    Also, remove him from your bank account, so he cannot take your cash. Don’t trust a word that he is saying, be very cunning and cautious with him. The less he knows about your plans, the better. Unfortunately he’s not a friend, so be wary of what you share with him.

    I’m focused entirely on moving forward and very much looking forward to the other side of this.

    Great to hear you’re so determined. I am rooting for you, and wishing you Godspeed in the next one month and beyond!

    #411785
    Hello
    Participant

    Thanks to you all. Yes I’m sticking to plan and his tactics become more clear every day.
    i have two daughters ages 11 and 12 so I’m juggling not exposing them to any negative vibes during this process. And it’s also the holiday season so I’m preserving the peace so as not to ruin that for them. I plan to tell them right after Christmas and I’m going to start moving my things out the day after Christmas as well.
    I think every day and put myself in his shoes – and I know if I saw who I claimed to be the love of my life slipping away, I’d be digging deep with them and addressing real issues. He’s yet to do this and continues to try to woo me with words and affectations. I do keep a distance though and don’t play onto it.
    he’s got a history of manipulating others close to him financially and those closest to him have even told me about it. Even his son said he’s made a habit off living off of others since his wife left. His mom warned me of the same.
    he has no access to my bank accounts which is good.

    #411797
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    You are welcome. You are a conscientious mother to care about protecting your daughters from exposure to what will destroy their holiday season experience, I admire you for it!

    He’s got a history of manipulating others close to him financially and those closest to him have even told me about it. Even his son said he’s made a habit of living off others since his wife left. His mom warned me of the same. He has no access to my bank accounts which is good“-  yes, it is a good thing. It’s insulting, isn’t it, that he thinks that his words and affectations are enough to woo and manipulate you (“He.. continues to try to woo me with words and affectations“).

    I hope you and your daughters have as Merry a Christmas as it can be, under the circumstances!

    anita

    #411802
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    I didn’t know you have children. In that case of course you need to take their interests into account too, and play it smart. I like that you have a plan and you’re sticking to it. Good job!

    he’s got a history of manipulating others close to him financially and those closest to him have even told me about it. Even his son said he’s made a habit off living off of others since his wife left. His mom warned me of the same.

    That’s interesting that even his son and mother warned you about his money habits. He must have manipulated them too into giving him money, which he probably never returned… so they probably speak from experience. It’s nice of them that they warned you, and that you finally saw through him as well.

    Good that he doesn’t have access to your bank account!

    Wishing you a smooth transitional period between now and January 15, and pleasant, calm holidays!

    #411870
    Hello
    Participant

    Hello All.
    I’m just checking in as it’s therapeutic to just type things out during this journey. I will be packing my things the day after Christmas.
    my daughters will be at their grandparents with their Dad for a couple of days so I can start taking things to the new home then I plan to tell them when they return. That way their Christmas isn’t ruined! My x husband and I (the father of my children) are on friendly greens so we have been able to communicate and make a plan.
    in the meantime, my current husband (that I’m divorcing) is still largely in denial and trying to woo his way out of this. He is making a plan to move out but he’s still trying to hold a narrative that we are just separating when I’ve made it clear thars not the case. Because the kids are still in the home and they don’t know what’s going on, I’m making a point to not ruffle feathers so it makes it mentally stressful.
    I’m handling it but his reaction to this is a testament to the problems he has.
    On another note, the main reason I’m writing is that I had a breakthrough yesterday and was able to confirm something I’ve suspected all along. As I told you, I had an affair at the end of my first marriage that I deeply regret – and my current husband has spent the last two years making me feel like a horrible person for something I did when he wasn’t around. As you may recall, he to carried on an affair in his first Marriage and this whole time has claimed that it was an “open affair” and that everyone knew about it, including his first wife. He went so far to tell me that his first wife was “fine” with it and knew it was going on and that it was justified because he was lonely in the marriage and his first wife had “checked out”. I’ve never been comfortable with this narrative and knew in my gut this was a lie. Over the past two years, I’ve given him multiple opportunities to be honest about this and he’s only gotten defensive maintaining the story. I’ve told him that I don’t judge him for having the affair, that my problem has always been that you’ve denied any moral responsibility for it and continue to do so in light of abusing me mentally over mine.
    I confirmed yesterday that in fact his first wife did not approve of it and that she caught word of it when they were married and was NOT ok with it.
    so in my opinion this is a HuGE lie / deception on his part. It’s so incredibly abusive In my opinion to carry on this narrative with me for years all the while beating me up – and denying it multiple times when I lovingly gave him chances to face it and be honest.
    Im moving forward of course but these are just things I needed to know personally so I’m glad I found out.
    I’d love feedback on this as to me this is a huge deception.
    I don’t plan on bringing this up with him right now as it’s the holidays and I’ve got to focus on the kids. But when I’m moved out I plan to tell him at the right time.
    thanks to you all.

    #411873
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    Good to read your update. I would like to reply further and give you my feedback beyond what I can tell you now: that indeed it was “a HuGE lie/ deception on his part… incredibly abusive”, in a few hours or Fri morning (in about 16 hours from now).

    anita

    #411888
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    I am sorry that more of his deception has come to light recently, but at the same time, it’s good to know that this man will soon be out of your life, and that you are so right for leaving him!

    It seems that he has been secretly having an affair while married to his first wife, and when the wife found out, she asked for a divorce. I am saying this because you said that his first wife left – meaning she left him, not vice versa:

    Even his son said he’s made a habit off living off of others since his wife left.

    So he was living off of her money, cheating her with someone else, and he probably had no intention to change anything about it, had he not been caught. I guess that’s the truth of it, not what he has been telling you.

    And maybe he has been doing the same to you, Hello, only you haven’t caught him red-handed, although you did suspect that he might be cheating…. The point is that he might have repeated the exact same, or almost the same scenario with you, as he did with his first wife. Exploiting the wife financially, cheating on her, all the way making the wife look bad.

    He is a predator, as it seems to me, and is probably preying on well-off women, who are insecure in themselves and who he can manipulate.

    I am sorry, dear Hello, that you came across such a dishonest, manipulative man. And yes, it was a huge deception on his part. He deceived you, or wanted to deceive you, in the same way he did his first wife. He probably never wanted to be honest with you, because his plan was to deceive you and live off of you, not to love you. A predator really, that’s what he is.

    I don’t plan on bringing this up with him right now as it’s the holidays and I’ve got to focus on the kids. But when I’m moved out I plan to tell him at the right time.

    Yes, first move out, secure yourself, don’t confront him with the truth too soon, so he can’t retaliate too much. What did he do when his first wife divorced him? Do you know if there was any drama at that time?

     

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