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Lack of respect or cheating?

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  • #410648
    Hello
    Participant

    Hello thank you all in advance for listening.
    I’ve been married 4 years. From the get go, my husband had a Tinder account which was fine upon meeting. After a year or so, I noticed the Tinder app was still on his phone. He’s very detail oriented and it’s not something he would just forget about. I asked him about it and he said he just hasn’t deleted it / forgot and of course doesn’t use it. I told him I’d be more comfortable if he deleted it all together. That was close to three years ago and shockingly he’s still got the app on his phone. I’ve approached him at least 3 times over the course of our marriage about it and each time asked him to please delete the app. The most recent was a few months ag. Our marriage had reached a breaking point and there were various trust / security issues I voiced I made it clear that it was important to me he remove the app. Well as of yesterday he has not. I checked his phone and saw it there still.
    this to me is either a blatant lack of respect for me or he’s cheating. Note there are other red flags as well over the years that add to this concern. Having this tinder app is not an isolated concern in other words. I pretty much have given him a diplomatic ultimatum so to speak at least twice and he still hasn’t respected that. I’d love feedback. Happy thanksgiving to you all.

    #410660
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    you ask “lack of respect or cheating?” Well, it could be either, but both is bad. You’re right that you’ve given him an ultimatum. What did you tell him the consequence will be if he doesn’t delete the app?

    Because you’ve asked him at least 3 times so far, and it fell on deaf ears. And you let it go. Maybe he thinks it will be the same this time…

    In any case, I encourage you to be firm this time and don’t let him get away with it. Do you think you’d be able to do it?

    Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

    #410661
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    Happy Thanksgiving to you too! I feel sad though that you are not able to give thanks today for having a trustworthy husband.

    this to me is either a blatant lack of respect for me or he’s cheating. Note there are other red flags as well over the years that add to this concern… I pretty much have given him a diplomatic ultimatum, so to speak, at least twice and he still hasn’t respected that. I’d love feedback“- if I was you, and if it is possible for you, I would separate from him and suggest marriage counseling to take place while the two of you are separated (living in different rooms or preferably, in different residences). If he refuses marriage counseling, or if counseling does not result in him correcting his unacceptable behaviors- then I’d proceed to divorce him.

    Even if he is not physically cheating, keeping the app is blatantly disrespectful of you, and it strongly suggests that he is at least considering cheating on you, and perhaps looking for an attractive opportunity to do so.

    I wish it wasn’t so, and I wish to read more from you.

    anita

    #410721
    Hello
    Participant

    Thanks to you both for your advice and compassion. You’re right. I don’t think he took my concerns seriously each time and probably thinks nothing will happen if he doesn’t erase it. This isn’t an isolated incident. It goes along with many other concerns / red flags that have continually popped up over the course of our short marriage. We were married very quickly so I never got a chance to get to know him.
    he’s also mysteriously withdrawn 700 in cash over the course of a month. We keep a very tight budget and never use cash and keep track of every penny. It’s his account but I have access (I have my own bank account that he has access to)

    I started checking his pockets and each time a large chunk was spent in one day. For example he had 140 in his pocket one day and by the next morning it was gone. He’s also “friends” with the woman he had a affair with in his first marriage years ago and still communicates with her. There are just multiple trust issues.

    #410722
    Hello
    Participant

    PS I also gave him the ultimatum to see a counselor at The first of the year. We’ve seen one together but we didn’t get far. I saw a counselor at the beginning of our marriage and did a ton of personal work and gif myself in a very centered peaceful place. He never once wanted to know about my progress or discussed it with me even when I tried to. He’s got work to do personally amd I told him he had to see a counselor at the beginning of the year. He did but he used the time to construct the narrative that I was the bad guy for “making him go” and came out on the other end angry and bitter at me.
    I pretty much don’t have anything left and am ready to move forward with my life in peace.

    #410727
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Hello

    Sorry that you are in such a situation. First and fore most you need to stop his access to your bank account immediately and you should also remove yourself from his.  I wish you all the best, if you act with integrity remembering that you want to move forward peacefully towards peace.

    Roberta

    #410735
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    I am sorry about your husband’s behavior… he does seem uncooperative, uninterested in improving the relationship with you, and even blaming you for wanting to change him. He doesn’t see any fault in his behavior and is sort of “unrepentant” and doesn’t care about your feelings.

    This is quite indicative:

    I told him he had to see a counselor at the beginning of the year. He did but he used the time to construct the narrative that I was the bad guy for “making him go” and came out on the other end angry and bitter at me.

    Narcissists can be like that – they charm away the therapist and convince them that there’s nothing wrong with them, but that the problem is in you. Do you think he might have narcissistic tendencies?

    We were married very quickly so I never got a chance to get to know him.

    What was the reason for getting married so quickly, if I may ask? Was he love-bombing you in the beginning (something that narcissists typically do) and you fell for it?

    His suspicious and unaccounted for spending of money – specially when you’re on a tight budget – is also unacceptable. Have you talked to him about it? Have you asked him why he has withdrawn 700 in cash? (you don’t need to tell him you went through his pockets)

    I pretty much have given him a diplomatic ultimatum so to speak at least twice and he still hasn’t respected that.

    A “diplomatic ultimatum” is kind of an oxymoron – an ultimatum cannot by diplomatic by definition 🙂 Ultimatum is more like “either you do this, or else… ” So I guess even if you told him he “must” delete the app, you never did anything when he didn’t – there were no consequences of his inaction. He kept being “defiant”.

    In general, ultimatums are not the best way to communicate in a marriage. But it seems it has been very difficult to communicate with him, and even couple’s counseling didn’t help much (We’ve seen one together but we didn’t get far). What happened in couple’s counseling, if I may ask?

    In any case, if he keeps being disrespectful and completely uninterested in changing his behavior, then there is no point in trying to make things work, but the only reasonable solution is to separate/divorce. It’s good that you seem to be mentally and emotionally prepared for this possibility (I pretty much don’t have anything left and am ready to move forward with my life in peace.)

     

    #410738
    anita
    Participant

    Good Morning Hello:

    You are welcome. You wrote in your original post: “He’s very detail oriented“- as you extricate yourself from this 4-year-marriage, pay attention to the details, and with legal help make the divorce equitable in a detailed kind of way.

    anita

    #410739
    Hello
    Participant

    I can’t thank you all enough for your feedback. I feel like angels are chiming in for me. I’ve spoken to family about this but they’re admittedly biased so it’s immensely helpful to get feedback from a neutral source.
    to answer your question on why I married so quickly – I was in a very bad place when I decided to marry him. I had divorced a year before that to a man that I was with for 20 years. He and I really just grew apart and I fell out of love with him. When that happened I let fear of what to do next overtake me as all I’d known since I was 22 was being in love with him. So instead of facing my truth, I crawled under a rock and started having an affair. It was by far the most dark worst period of my life. It of course led to my divorce and after that I spent the following year just making wreckless choices and very lost. By the time my current husband and I went out on our first date, I was desperate to be happy. Yes he was a charmer from the start – I’ve never heard the term love bomb but that’s exactly what he did. And I fell for it.
    On the flip side, I was not open about my past with him when we married. I didn’t tell him about my affair. I had ended that affair and regretted every second and to me it was personal and something I knew I would never do again so I didn’t feel it necessary to “announce” it. I simply wanted to just shed the bad and start new. But I did mischaracterize myself to him in that I told him I spent the prior year after my divorce being low key when in fact I was really reckless.
    so after about a year into this current marriage, my current husband started snooping, broke into my email , computer and dug up information about my past. So I begrudgingly told him all the details of my ugly few years before him and it was awful. I personally entered into counseling amx that’s when I really started to heal. I also took very aggressive personal steps to revive spirituality into my life which has been my true savior. I spent that next year making every effort to improve myself and I’m proud to say I did it. In the meantime, my current husband was angry, bitter, cruel, belittled me and called me names, etc – was not at all involved in my betterment even when I tried to get him involved.
    I have a close friend who knows all the details of my past and she stated that while he has a right to feel somewhat betrayed, that his extreme response to something I did before him is unreasonable. I tend to agree but he’s been such a master at making me feel like such a low person and bad guy that I’ve questioned this.
    Hes spent the last 3 years in a place of resentment, anger and guilting me even though I’ve clearly improved myself and grown personally. With the risk of sounding silly, I’m truly a model spouse – I’ve been patient with him, loving, and humble but he’s given me no credit or support.
    I just wanted you to know the whole story as I didn’t feel it would be fair to leave that out.

    #410741
    Hello
    Participant

    And he went to extremes to dig info on me and it lasted months – taking my hard drive, copying my personal info onto his computer, etc

    he became obsessed

    #410743
    Hello
    Participant

    And yes since we’ve been married I’ve learned much more about his personality. He absolutely has narcissistic tendencies and shows blatant outright signs of having a superiority complex. In every case no matter who he’s speaking to, he must dominate the conversation. He knows everything about everything and never ever shows any sign of being inferior or wrong. He goes so far as to proactively belittle others unprovoked just to drive his narrative. He’s what they call an energy vampire I’ve learned. About a year or so ago, I approached him on this in a very moving manner and said that it is inhibiting growth in all relationships in his life, including ours. I suggested he get help and look within as it’s a mentally draining way to live. He said I was attacking his character and said he’d think about it but that he’d never been told this before in prior relations. He’s done nothing to improve but I make the point as I feel that thus flaw is a huge driver in the extreme way he’s reacted to me and my past. It’s clear he’s used it as a weapon to keep me “below” him.

    #410744
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    You are welcome. Three members answered you, I am one of them (anita). In your recent post you shared that you fell in love at 22 and been with that one man (your ex-husband) for 20 years. The two of you grew apart, you fell out of love and had an affair, an affair that led to your divorce. After your divorce, you spent a year “making reckless choices and very lost“. You then met another man (your current husband). You didn’t tell him that you had an affair (concluded by then) and that you spent a year making reckless choices; instead, you told him that you spent the prior year “being low key“.

    A year into your current marriage, your new husband (who had an affair himself during his previous marriage, who was still “friends” with the woman he had the affair with, and who had a tinder app on his phone while married with you, from day 1 of the marriage)  “started snooping, broke into my email , computer and dug up information about my past… he went to extremes to dig info on me and it lasted months… he became obsessed“.

    You then told him “all the details of my ugly few years before him“, went into counseling and did very well, but your husband has “spent the last 3 years in a place of resentment, anger and guilting me even though I’ve clearly improved myself and grown personally… truly a model spouse – I’ve been patient with him, loving, and humble but he’s given me no credit or support“.

    My thoughts: while your affair ended long before you met your 2nd husband, he is still (4 years into the marriage with you) “friends” (as you put it, in quotation marks), with the woman he had an affair with, and he still has the tinder app that he had for months before he found out about your reckless past. I don’t think that he is a man betrayed… because he wasn’t betrayed: you didn’t have an affair on him and he didn’t have the right for full disclosure from you in regard to your past. (I am sure that he did not give you a full disclosure of his past)

    It’s clear he’s used it as a weapon to keep me ‘below’ him“- I agree that he used your past affair (in a previous marriage) and reckless year (before your marriage to him) as a weapon against you, and it is clear to me that he is willing to continue to use it against you. Like I suggested earlier, I hope that you get excellent legal guidance and help in regard to your separation and divorce from him (so that you don’t unnecessarily suffer financially and otherwise), and that you live separately from him as soon as possible.

    He is not morally superior to you, and there is no reason for you to accommodate his abuse of you and to allow it to continue. Protect yourself from him as he is not a friend. I think he’s an enemy.

    anita

     

    #410822
    Hello
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. And to everyone.
    I’m very excited about letting go of this marriage , learning from it and living in peace. I have told him I want to divorce. Now that I’m in a much better place personally and spiritually, I have to tools I need to get through this and come out better on the other side.

    #410827
    Hello
    Participant

    There are so so many other instances of disrespect, mental and emotional abuse, and red flags that are not even worth going into. In retrospect, I feel like such a fool but this is what happens when you’re truly lost and not living your truth.
    thank you all again.

    #410834
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello: I will read and reply in about 10 hours.

    anita

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