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Lack of respect or cheating?

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 61 total)
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  • #411891
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    I am glad that you are finding it therapeutic to just type things out here, and I hope that it continues to be so for you. It is now 10 days till the day after Christmas, the day you are planning to pack your things.

    My current husband (that I’m divorcing) is still largely in denial and trying to woo his way out of this“- I suspect that it is not that he is in denial, but that he is hoping that you will be in denial. I am guessing that he knows, just as I know, that people, women included, tend to close their eyes to what is inconvenient to see, and that people who already opened their eyes to the truth, tend to… close their eyes later on. One of Churchill’s famous saying comes to mind (true to men and to women and in different contexts): “Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened”. Please keep your eyes wide open for the next 10 days.

    He went so far to tell me that his first wife was ‘fine’ with it and knew it was going on and that it was justified because he was lonely in the marriage and his first wife had ‘checked out’. I confirmed yesterday that in fact his first wife did not approve of it…  I’d love feedback on this as to me this is a huge deception“- it is very likely that he’ll lie just as much about you and the marriage with you when he realizes that his wooing failed to … close your eyes to the truth. Expect it.

    I don’t plan on bringing this up with him right now as it’s the holidays and I’ve got to focus on the kids. But when I’m moved out I plan to tell him at the right time“- you can bring it up when it’s safe to do so, but I don’t think that as a result he will admit to anything,  feel shame, guilt and/ or consider correcting his ways.

    Please post again anytime!

    anita

    #411910
    Hello
    Participant

    Thanks to you both!! Such wonderful wisdom and I feel blessed as you’re pushing me along to the other side. Today was a good day. I confirmed an actual earlier move in date to Jan 3rd with landlord and movers and am putting all the logistics in motion.
    I also was able to get further confirmation today on even more lies and that he has in fact been unofficially labeled as suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. This is what I’ve been suspecting for a year or so now.
    I understand this disorder and have given him over two years to address his issues and look inward. Nothing has come of it other than exhausting me, bringing me down, him spending every penny I earn, and losing myself.
    I’m so excited to move forward.
    thank you all again for your compassion.

    #411911
    Hello
    Participant

    And the Jan 3rd move is for the large furniture. I still plan to start moving my belongings Christmas.

    #411917
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    you are very welcome! It’s great news that you’ve managed to push the day of the move forward, to January 3. It’s only 2 and a half weeks away. Fantastic! The sooner you’re out of there, the better.

    I also was able to get further confirmation today on even more lies and that he has in fact been unofficially labeled as suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. … I understand this disorder and have given him over two years to address his issues and look inward. Nothing has come of it other than exhausting me, bringing me down, him spending every penny I earn, and losing myself.

    Unfortunately, people with narcissistic personality disorder are almost never willing to change. They don’t see themselves as having a problem – it’s always the other party, not them. The only time they go to therapy is when they are forced to (like you forced your husband to go once), but it doesn’t really do anything to them.

    You thought that he was an honest person, and that if you ask him lovingly, and are honest and transparent with your own issues – that he would start opening up and realizing the truth. But unfortunately, he wasn’t interested in any of that, but only in how to keep you under his spell, so to speak. To keep manipulating you so that he gets what he wants.

    You’ve tried everything, but unfortunately he was unreachable, and will probably stay like that. When he realizes he can’t win you back, he’ll probably start looking for the next victim to latch onto…

    I’m so excited to move forward.

    I am excited for you too! And please keep us posted on your progress!

     

    #411923
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    You are welcome and how exciting that you are able to move sooner than later,  CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS for putting all the logistics in motion and making it happen!

    It may help you to return to your thread every day (or as often as you would like) and use it as a journal- and a place to receive encouraging feedback- so to keep yourself focused and grounded in the process of moving out.

    anita

    #412076
    Hello
    Participant

    Yes thank you. I’ve actually been returning to the thread almost daily and it’s been immensely helpful. It does keep me grounded and directed forward. I’m counting the days and now that I’m 100% clear on who he really is, I’m much better able to handle him. He fits the NPD to a T and it’s all so transparent now.
    thsnk you and I’ll post again soon!

    #412080
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    You are welcome. It is much easier to do what needs to be done when you have mental clarity. And it’s a good thing to get away from someone who is all about himself, and none about you (NPD). I am looking forward to read your updates!

    anita

     

    #412174
    Hello
    Participant

    Thank you!

    so it’s getting down to the wire and I wanted to just ask for some advice re logistics.
    As you know, I’ve been keeping things neutral around the house for the sake of my two daughters, ages 12 (just turned 12!) and 13. IRS Christmas as you know and my plan has been to wait until right after Christmas to tell them anc to start moving out.
    they’re leaving for their grandparents house late Christmas morning after we spend Christmas t morning together. I sat down with my husband Friday night to make it clear that I was going ti start moving my things out Christmas afternoon and spend the week in between moving things. And that the big movers were coming Jan 3rd.
    he did not handle this news well even though I’ve been telling him for over a month what my plans were. He then started trying to sell me on he would help me move my things , that we should do it “together” and that he was under the impression we would share a mover for the big things.
    thus is Not at all what I’m planning as I plan to do this separate from him. I want ti make this clear to him but at the same time it risks him turning very nasty right around Christmas.
    I was planning on just telling him on the day of that I’m doing this separately

    I’ve been reading on narcissists and it says that there’s no good way to give them news they don’t want to hear

    I’ve been clear with him for over a month now and even tried to bring up logistics of the move and he’s only buried his head in sand trying ti love bomb me. So I don’t feel I need to babysit this at this point plus I’ve come this far keeping the peace for the holidays w the kids.
    Wheb he suggested he help me move I did not agree but I didn’t fight it either. He was starting to get hostile so I just backed away.
    Bottim line is I’m not sure if I need to bring this detail up again with him before the actual day or leave it be. Thank you !

    #412175
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    You are welcome. “Bottom line is I’m not sure if I need to bring this detail up again with him before the actual day or leave it be“- leave it be and bring it up on the actual day of leaving, is my advice. The less communication with him, the better. Whatever you tell him before it is necessary to tell him, he will either forget, ignore or he will use it against you.

    Like I said before, an honest communication with him is not possible, so go to every possible length to not communicate with him, not before, and to the extent that it is necessary. Does this make sense to you?

    anita

    #412176
    Hello
    Participant

    yes it does and that’s what my instinct is telling me too. He bites into every bit of data he can and only uses it for his gain so either way he won’t accept it well.
    thank you again for helping navigate this.
    many blessings to you.

    #412178
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    You are welcome and thank you for the blessing! You stated that you know that he fits the NPD perfectly, so use this information in practice, every single day (and night), until you thoroughly extricating your life from his.

    anita

    #412187
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    he did not handle this news well even though I’ve been telling him for over a month what my plans were. He then started trying to sell me on he would help me move my things , that we should do it “together” and that he was under the impression we would share a mover for the big things.

    Is he also moving out, on the same day? Because only in that case would it make sense to even talk about sharing the movers truck. But I think it’s only an attempt to mess up with your plans and delay them. It’s best if you do it alone, so he cannot throw a monkey wrench into your plans.

    When he suggested he help me move I did not agree but I didn’t fight it either. He was starting to get hostile so I just backed away.
    Bottom line is I’m not sure if I need to bring this detail up again with him before the actual day or leave it be.

    I think he started getting hostile because he is still trying to control the situation and prevent you from executing your plan. So I agree with anita: the best is to tell him as little as possible. Don’t even mention moving unless he brings it up, and simply wait for Jan 3. That way he has less chance of sabotaging it!

    Good luck in the following days, and post anytime if you need help!

     

    #412439
    anita
    Participant

    I hope you are well, Hell0. and on track!

    anita

    #412562
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    how have you been?

    I’ve been watching some videos about narcissism and came across a great one, by a clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani. She talks about another manipulative technique narcissists use when they want to win the person back: hoovering. They “hoover” you, i.e. suck you back into the relationship by telling you how precious you are and that they’ve finally realized it, and to give them another chance. It’s kind of a love bombing, only after the relationship is over.

    Your husband might try that too, so I just thought to warn you.

    The video is on youtube, it’s titled “<b>What it’s like to break up with a narcissist</b>“, and the publisher is MedCircle. If you enter the search phrase “what it’s like to break up with a narcissist medcircle”, it will show up first in the list of results.

     

    #412644
    Hello
    Participant

    Dear Anita And Tee

    i logged on to update you and saw that you blessed me with more guidance unsolicited. I’m so truly grateful for this. You’ve been instrumental at keeping my momentum going. I’m doing great. Yesterday was my big day as my precious daughters left for grandma / grandpa with their dad after we spent Christmas morning together. I was now free to start moving things out and I started right away!!
    I told my daughters about the break up last week. They handles it very well and are excite about our new life and home together. I took them to our new home so they could visualize and so they’re reassured that nothing major like their schools and schedule between me and their dad has changed. We have a flock of 15 wonderful chickens and we bought a new coop and I assured them they’d be moving with us and we’d make a new home for them too!

    I can tell you that yesterday was the happiest I’ve felt in a few years. I was packing my things and loading my car taking things to the new house. My soon to be x attempted to usurp my car in a very manipulative way so that he could use it to move his things (mine is an SUV type) but I quickly retrieved my keys.
    yes he’s still using the same tactics – manipulation, guilting me, projection, love bombing, etc But Im not affected by them

    I’ve distanced myself from him and just focused on moving forward. He’s got no access to my finances either. My big furniture move is Jan 3rd but he’s already moving things out and he’s moving his big things later in the week

    when I’m around him I feel like I’m being poisoned. When I’m not I’m at peace. I’m spending as much time as I can away from this house and I’ll be free soon!!

    I will check in soon but please do send me any videos , advice you might happen to find on narcissists. I’ve realized fully now that he’s been an abuser all this time and I know I’ll have to heal from that. Believe it or not his x wife reached out to me through this. We were already pretty well acquainted over the years since she had kids with my soon to be x husband. She left him too and it turns out all the stories and narratives he’s spun on her are completely false. I was suspect as I watched his behavior unfold over the years and now so many inconsistencies make sense. He bankrupted her as well, abused her emotionally, cheated and she was in counseling for years after to recover from his abuse. She’s thrived since she left him and pretty much raised their two kids (my stepchildren) on her own. He hasn’t paid a dime in child support since they divorced. All his lies are coming to the surface and it’s confirming what the sages says thousands of years ago – the truth always finds it’s way to the surface. It may take years, days, months, but it will.
    thank you and blessings to you!!!!

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 61 total)

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