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Lack of respect or cheating?

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  • #412645
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hell0:

    CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS for the following: (1) Telling your daughters about the breakup last week, and positively preparing them for their new home/ new life, assuring them that they will be keeping the same schools and schedules, (2) Packing and moving your things to the new house, (3) Preventing your soon-to-be-ex from taking your vehicle away, (4) Preventing him from having any access to your finances,

    Yes he’s still using the same tactics – manipulation, guilting me, projection, love bombing, etc. But I’m not affected by them… When I’m around him I feel like I’m being poisoned. When I’m not, I’m at peace. I’m spending as much time as I can away from this house and I’ll be free soon!!“- I can feel your excitement about soon being free of his poison: manipulation, guilt-tripping you, love bombing you, etc.

    Please do send me any videos, advice you might happen to find on narcissists. I’ve realized fully now that he’s been an abuser all this time and I know I’ll have to heal from that. Believe it or not his x wife reached out to me through this… He bankrupted her as well, abused her emotionally, cheated and she was in counseling for years after to recover from his abuse..“-

    -My advice: (1) because people fitting the NPD criteria are interpersonally exploitative (taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends)– make sure that he has/ will have no access to your daughters, and that other people in your life who had contact with him, are aware of his exploitive personality and choose (if they are to remain in your life) to no longer be in contact with him, and (2) because people fitting the NPD criteria are very sensitive to perceived criticism or defeat, prone to feelings of shame, humiliation, and worthlessness, and are more likely to respond with anger or aggressiveness when presented with rejection, seeking revenge, for as long as you are still interacting with him in-person, be careful to not criticize, shame or humiliate him in any way (the boldfaced here is taken from Wikipedia/ narcissistic personality disorder).<sup id=”cite_ref-ronningstam2016_21-0″ class=”reference”></sup>

    anita

     

    #412699
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    you’re welcome and thank you for your blessings!

    I am so glad that he hasn’t managed to fool you or distract you in the meanwhile, and that you’re on track with packing and moving!

    Also, I am very glad that your daughters took the announcement very well, and are actually excited about starting a new chapter away from him. I imagine they don’t particularly like him?

    I can tell you that yesterday was the happiest I’ve felt in a few years.

    No wonder, since you have finally seen through him and decided to free yourself from his abuse (manipulation, guilting me, projection, love bombing… when I’m around him I feel like I’m being poisoned.).

    But Im not affected by them

    His abuse and manipulation don’t have power over you any longer. You saw through him and his words lost power. You don’t believe him when he says you’re a bad person. His words have zero, or almost zero weight to you, and that’s why you feel free!

    I’ve realized fully now that he’s been an abuser all this time and I know I’ll have to heal from that.

    Yes, you’ll need some healing, but it might not be such an arduous task for you like it was for his first wife, because you have done a lot of personal growth during your marriage, and you’ve grown a lot. At the beginning of this thread you were already willing to let him go because you said you’ve tried everything but nothing worked (I pretty much don’t have anything left and am ready to move forward with my life in peace.).

    So it seems to me you’ve come a long way in the last 3 years. You’ve made yourself strong enough to leave. And when you’ve realized that he has a NPD, everything fell into place and it only confirmed what you already suspected: that he isn’t willing to change. This only strengthened your resolve to leave ASAP.

    So I think you might be well prepared – mentally, emotionally and also from a practical point of view – to start a new chapter. But of course, you can’t just press the switch and forget all about him and his abuse. It will take time till you process it all.

    Dr. Ramani is a great resource on all things narcissism. She has a youtube channel “DoctorRamani”, with hundreds of videos. So if you need an expert opinion, I highly recommend her videos.

    Wishing you further success with moving in the following days!

     

    #412841
    Hello
    Participant

    Hi I’m just checking in letting you know it’s going well. I’ve been moving things into my new home daily. The official move in date is Jan 3rd. He’s also moving his things out and has a place and will be there jan 1st. So I don’t have much longer.
    he has no access to my accounts, etc and is not involved in my move. He’s still love bombing anc going into bouts of crying saying he doesn’t understand every so often. It’s extremely sad and disturbing at the same time to watch this level of mental illness. I had no idea just how severe it was until I became aware of his disorder.
    I will be free of it soon and so will my daughters. Luckily they were not affected negatively by him and they are not here while the move is going on. They’re also excited about the move.
    thank you again for your guidance and I’ll check in soon!

    #412850
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    you’re welcome. It’s good to hear all is going according to the schedule!

    He’s still love bombing anc going into bouts of crying saying he doesn’t understand every so often.

    When they don’t get what they want, narcissists often play the victim and accuse the other party. He’s not able or willing to understand why you’re leaving him. He is not owning any of his bad behavior and is acting as if he were the hurt party. As if you are doing something bad to him. That’s role reversal. Narcissists regularly do that: portraying themselves as the victim and accusing you (the victim) to be the actual abuser.

    It’s extremely sad and disturbing at the same time to watch this level of mental illness.

    I think the greatest problem with NPD is that the person refuses to admit there’s anything wrong with them. Instead, they blame and accuse others. That’s why there’s no hope for healing either, in most of the cases.

    I had no idea just how severe it was until I became aware of his disorder.

    I am glad that you finally saw it as it is. It does help tremendously when we can finally name and understand what’s going on, because as Dr. Ramani says: when we know what we’re dealing with, we can then act strategically. And that’s exactly what you’ve been doing since…

    I will be free of it soon and so will my daughters. Luckily they were not affected negatively by him

    That’s good to hear. So he hasn’t been putting them down, criticizing them, or manipulating them in some way?

     

    #412851
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    You are welcome, good to read that the move is progressing as planned! “He’s still love bombing and going into bouts of crying saying he doesn’t understand every so often“-

    – He had a great opportunity to understand 4 years ago, when you tried to talk to him about your progress in counseling: “I saw a counselor at the beginning of our marriage and did a ton of personal work… He never once wanted to know about my progress or discussed it with me even when I tried to“, Nov 25, 2022),

    and he had another great opportunity to understand a year ago when he finally agreed to attend counseling with you: “I told him he had to see a counselor at the beginning of the year. He did but he used the time to construct the narrative that I was the bad guy for ‘making him go’ and came out on the other end angry and bitter at me“, Nov 25.

    So, when he now says that he doesn’t understand, he is like a boy who doesn’t get what he wants, and frustrated and upset, he exclaims: but WHY? He doesn’t really want to know the reasons why he doesn’t get what he wants, he just wants what he wants.

    I am looking forward to your next update!

    anita

    #413068
    Hello
    Participant

    Yes thanks to you both!!

    yesterday was the last day he was in this house. He officially moved into his new place and my big move is tomorrow. I feel so at peace. Yes I’m sad, but not because he’s out of my life. I of course have scars from the abuse but I’m embracing it and coping and know I will heal.
    regarding my daughters – yes good question. Because he is highly manipulative, he knew just how far he could take his insults, abuse, etc and knew he couldn’t go there with them like he did me. However, as time went by, his abuse def starting to creep in to them too and more so recently. Not in direct ways, but in ways that were confusing to them and manipulative. That’s when I was truly motivated to end it. Motherly instinct kicked in for sure.
    you’re right – he had many chances to look within – 4 years ago during my counseling, then in our marriage counseling together, then in individual counseling, then I also wrote him a very thoughtful long letter outlining my issues and asking he look within too. Like all the other chances, he projected it back onto me and never addressed anything.
    he lives a sad existence.
    I’ll keep you posted but it was a beautiful thing to wake up this morning not walking on eggshells!!!

    much love to you!!!

    #413071
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS for waking up to a new day in which you no longer walk on eggshells, this is a great way to start a new year! It is amazing to me how much awareness you gained since you started your thread on Nov 24, 2022. Tomorrow is your move to your new home, how exciting!

    anita

    #413085
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    so good to hear that everything is coming along nicely, and that he moved away as planned! And that you’re moving away tomorrow. I can imagine it’s kind of sad, because it’s the end of an era, and perhaps the loss of a dream you once had about him, about the two of you together… But unfortunately, happiness wasn’t possible with him, it was toxic, so you had to leave…

    You can be proud of yourself that you only spent 4 years with him, instead of losing an entire lifetime. You’ve learned your lessons, grew so much in the process, and as you say, you will heal. It’s an end, but also a new beginning.

    However, as time went by, his abuse def starting to creep in to them too and more so recently. Not in direct ways, but in ways that were confusing to them and manipulative. That’s when I was truly motivated to end it. Motherly instinct kicked in for sure.

    Good that you’ve noticed it and decided not to expose your daughters to his abuse. You are a good and caring mother, Hello!

    Good luck tomorrow with moving – and let us know how it went!

     

    #413243
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Hello?

    anita

    #413607
    Hello
    Participant

    Hi there. Sorry for the delayed reply! I’m doing just fine. I’ve been moving and officially in the new home as of the 3rd. My mom came in to help me a week ago and it’s been nonstop getting the new home in order. Each step is a step towards peace! I’m definitely tired but it’s a good tired and I’m realizing more every day just how emotionally drained I have been. As my daughters and I get into a routine, we are all realizing just how much more freedom we have to do things. He monopolized almost every aspect of my life, down to when I showered at night.
    I’ve been educating myself most days as well on recovering from being in a relationship with a NPD spouse. I can tell that I have suffered trauma emotionally and will take time to acknowledge this and let that heal.
    right now we are just focused on getting our home in order and I truly look forward to finding myself again and being whole for my daughters.
    I’m going to give it a few months, but I suspect I might need to see a therapist for a few months to sort through my experience.
    I am so grateful for your concern.

    Many many blessings.

    #413610
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    Thank you for the update and the many blessings, I wish you and your daughters a productive and healing 2023, and many, many blessings!

    anita

    #413633
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Hello,

    I am glad the move went well and that you’re slowly settling in. Also, that you had help with the move and getting things in order at your new place.

    As my daughters and I get into a routine, we are all realizing just how much more freedom we have to do things. He monopolized almost every aspect of my life, down to when I showered at night.

    That sounds like he had you under complete control! I can imagine what a relief it is to be free now, without worrying he might criticize your every move.

    I’ve been educating myself most days as well on recovering from being in a relationship with a NPD spouse. I can tell that I have suffered trauma emotionally and will take time to acknowledge this and let that heal.

    I can imagine it was a traumatic experience, and you need to process it still. So far, you were in a sort of emergency mode, solely focused on moving out, which you’ve completed with an amazing speed and very successfully! But as things begin to settle down, you’ll have more time to think about it all, and it’s normal that those thoughts and feelings will come up – of the emotional abuse and suffering that you were exposed to. That’s all very painful and it will take time to heal.

    I’m going to give it a few months, but I suspect I might need to see a therapist for a few months to sort through my experience.

    Yes, I think it’s a good idea. You were under a terrible pressure these past 4 years, being constantly criticized, controlled, manipulated… it took a toll for sure, and you’ll need to decompress, so to speak. It’s no small thing having being subject to narcissistic abuse… It’s wonderful that you’ve freed yourself from it, but now you’ll need to take the stress out of your system and be truly free from it mentally and emotionally too.

    I am rooting for you, and I am confident you’ll succeed to heal completely!

     

    #413741
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Hello

    I am not sure whether you have mentioned the ages of your daughters. however much you tried to shelter them from what had been going on in your household for the past four years they will most likely have picked up on the atmosphere.   Broadly speaking this is called ACE’s ( Adverse Childhood Experiences) and they too may need professional help to come to terms with it. Please be assured this is not about putting blame or pressure on you. On the contary I praise you for your strength & wisdom many people endure theese situations for decades or never get out.

    I wish you and your family a happy and nourishing 2023

    #414201
    Hello
    Participant

    Hello ladies.
    happy 2023.
    things moving along here and we are getting settled in to our new home. My daughters are ages 12 and 13 and they’ve been amazing.
    I’m taking this slowly, observing them, their emotions, etc and myself as well.
    One of my top priorities is not to rush into anything and to give us all time to just settle, reflect and enjoy our new home and environment.
    im so incredibly relieved that he is out of my life and so thankful that I didn’t stay longer and that my children are ok. I feel terrible for his biological children as they by default have to struggle with him for a lifetime.
    They already kept him at arms length and don’t trust him but struggle with what they realize now are the realities of his lies and manipulations.
    I’m reading a book titled “malignant self love” and it’s helped me tremendously. It’s considered one of the best books written on NPD and it’s helped me process and understand what’s happened and armed me with the knowledge so that I can recognize these abusers in the future!
    so we are taking it one day at a time and just enjoying the simple pleasures – making dinner, decorating our home, spending quality time together.
    Many blessings!

    #414205
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hello:

    Your attitude is excellent: to not rush; to take it slowly, one day at a time; to observe, to reflect and enjoy simple pleasures and your new home with your 12 and 13 year old daughters.

    I’m reading a book titled “malignant self-love” and it’s helped me tremendously. It’s considered one of the best books written on NPD“-

    – I was curious so I looked up some quotes from the book, and I hope you don’t mind if I elaborate on them a bit (as part of my own self-help work):

    Narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence“- this is an accurate description of my mother. I remember that Power Intoxication on her face and in her voice when she raged at me:  she enjoyed it.

    Faced with other people’s genuine emotions, the narcissist becomes suspicious and embarrassed“- my mother was definitely suspicious of me, and in regard to my genuine emotions: she stepped all over them with her feet, as if my emotions were dirt.

    In the narcissist’s world being accepted or cared for (not to mention loved) is a foreign language. It is meaningless or even repellent“- she rejected my genuine love for her, and repeatedly; stepping on it with her feet, like it was dirt.

    They are aware of what they are doing to others – but they do not care“- she didn’t care.

    [Abusers] blame the world – circumstances, other people – for their defeats, misfortune, misconduct, and failures… he has an external locus of control“- true to my mother, absolutely: she blamed the world and I was part of the world she blamed; in her mind, it was her against the world.

    The narcissist has to defend himself against his own.. shame, and anxiety.. (via) false modesty. The narcissist publicly chastises himself for being unworthy… not (formally) schooled… cognizant of his own shortcomings…  This way, if (or, rather, when) exposed for what he is, he can always say: ‘But I told you so in the first place, haven’t I?’ False modesty is, thus, an insurance policy“- this quote makes me understand something about my mother that I didn’t understand before: I never considered her a narcissist because of her expressions of low-self-esteem expressions, like saying that she was ugly, uneducated, etc., I never thought of it as an insurance policy.

    Narcissists are said to be in love with themselves. But this is a fallacy. Narcissus is not in love with himself. He is in love with his reflection. There is a major difference between one’s True Self and reflected-self”- Now I see that she really did project a REFLECTION of herself, that of a very, very good person, a very friendly and kind person, and “the best mother in the world“,  as she used to  say. These were not her True Self traits; these were traits of a reflection that she projected to the world.

    Thank you for mentioning the book, Hello, and blessing back to you!

    anita

     

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