1) In 5 days time I move house – a considerable step for me
2) I will then be away from my room mate who is rude and inconsiderate of my feelings
3) I made myself a perfect coffee in my new espresso machine this morning

I find it hard to describe as an illness but it isn’t something that will ever go away and will probably get worse, but after knee surgery about 12 years ago, which wasn’t particularly successful I now have permanent Chrondromalacia in both knees which varies daily between a minor nuisance and virtually crawling up the stairs and trying not to show to others just how ghastly stairs are in my facial expressions!

Another was having a large thymoma removed just over 2 years ago, which was borderline cancerous, fortunately fully removed but due to my age, there is no guarantee it won’t come back. Its taken a long time to ‘accept’ my situation but I know I just have to live with it as there is not much I can do other than have regular check up’s for the rest of my life. It wasn’t really symptomatic until it was caused me to end up in A&E unable to breathe, which slightly terrifies me it could happen again and I might not be so lucky.

I also suffer with irritable bowel which varies in its severity but am thankful for now is mostly behaving itself!

1) Woke up snuggled with my boyfriend
2) Being able to drive my car and help my mum out
3) Discovering these forums!

For me, time has a been a great healer and learning to love myself again after pretty much wanting to do away with me. Therapy was great too!

Never, ever let someone else ‘complete you’ only you can do that. If you happen to have someone special in your life, embrace it but be true to yourself. I have had serious words with myself and we argued a lot but I have to be true to me. Don’t let your preconceptions and beliefs control you either as it only ends in pain.

Now is your chance to discover what makes you tick, don’t try to control things, let things happen organically. Take one thing everyday and focus on it for a couple of minutes blocking everything else out. It takes practice so don’t be frustrated if at first it seems impossible! Be grateful to all the wonderful things you have in your life – from receiving an email from a friend to making yourself something wholesome to eat and nourish your body with. Be a friend to yourself, spoil yourself, spoil your daughters and be open with them over how you are feeling. You are worth so much to not only them, but to everyone around you. Learn to love yourself and demand respect, you deserve it!

I was mildly depressed without realising it in a previous, rather controlling relationship (we were engaged to be married), partly from him and also lots unresolved emotional teenage issues that I just ignored. He didn’t understand mental health at all, and as a result was unsupportive to the point I was too scared to express my thoughts for fear of rejection – I was about to turn 30, had been seriously ill and didn’t think anyone else would ever want me.. Which 2 years on I realise is UTTER CRAP and if he really did love me, he would of stuck by me and helped rather than leaving me to go to the depths of despair that pretty much had me thinking suicide was a far better idea than living – this is never a real option! Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem – and one you will overcome!

Fortunately after a dabble in severe depression and anxiety caused by a number of major life events I’ve met someone wonderful, who ‘gets me’ and loves me for who I am. ~I never thought it would be possible to heal my heart nor mind at times but one thing I did learn was that you have to learn to love yourself before you can be truly loved. He challenges me on my views and supports me fully and even after spending an evening holding my hand in a&e on Sunday night whilst I was being very cranky and in pain, made me realise he is the one for me.

Your quote ‘i feel like a horrible person’ makes me sad. You really are not – you just are thinking the wrong way and focusing on all the negatives in your life, which overshadow all the wonderful things. Is everything you do horrible? Are you horrible because your brushed your teeth this morning? Are you horrible that you have realised you need support? No no and no! You are strong – you wouldn’t be here otherwise!

Also parents are funny beings. How mine ever got together and had my brother and me has left me often wondering HOW??!! They had a vile relationship, which undoubtedly has affected me (and my brother) – same goes for my boyfriend – his parents too had a horrible relationship but you know what – you are not them! It is physically impossible to be them or even know what’s in their heads. Your life is for living as you want – not how they see fit or have done. Use them as an example to learn from not be affected by. You can’t change the past so don’t try to change things you can’t. Just be the best you can and support them as best as you can.

I did 6 weeks of REBT therapy earlier this year, which was brilliant and completely changed my way of thinking and my life. It wasn’t easy at times, often resulting in tears and anger but the therapy taught me to enjoy life again, engage with it and appreciate what I have – not what I don’t have. A great tool was from ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ book of writing down all the positive things that happened in your day and never the negative stuff! I also have a pink fairy book of gratitude that I write down positive comments in and thoughts, its handy when you have low days. Which I still do but they are fortunately in the minority and no longer the majority.

Good luck and don’t ever feel alone. embrace life, open your heart and love – don’t be afraid!