April 19, 2013 at 8:14 am #34051
hello, i’m new to this site and find it extremely valuable- thanks to everyone who has contributed! i’ve been browsing through the site to see if i could find a solution to my particular problem so as not to have anyone repeat themselves, but i thought this may be more affective since i am able to just ask directly for advice.
so i have always been a very analytical person; i’ve always tended think waaay too much and to focus on negative, insecure emotions, and frankly, more often than not, they tend to take over my mentality. i’m currently living with my boyfriend of 2 years and he is a wonderful person. he doesn’t cater to my victimizing thought process as an attempt to toughen me up, which is great. he calls me out on my emotions and helps me break through that mentality to see it for what it is. however, this is not fair to him, and i know he is frustrated with this attitude. i’m sometimes afraid to express my feelings because i think he believes i am “crazy”. he has told me he can’t be with someone who is constantly miserable, and i do not expect him to want to be. this mentality affects all of my relationships- because these thoughts are so self-centered, i cannot enjoy things around me and become increasingly isolated, avoiding friends and other “fun” activities. when i am around friends all i feel like i do is talk about myself and get caught up with “me me me” and my feelings (BORING). sometimes i feel like a horrible person; i want so badly to be better but sometimes my fears, insecurities, and guilt from past things just seem too overwhelming to bear. my mother practices this same mentality, and it’s created such a barrier between my parents that i don’t think my father really loves her anymore. i am absolutely terrified that this is what will happen to my boyfriend and i. the more i act this way, the more he pulls away and it only makes me feel worse. i think he believes that since this mentality is victimizing, he sees me as manipulative and conspiring. honestly, he may be right, but i swear i do not try to act this way, and the fact that it may be coming out of me naturally in this way scares me to death. what can i do to get over these feelings of constant doubt for others and for myself, this constant insecurity and feeling of self worthlessness? i just want a positive outlook and to treat people better, and for them to want to be around me, or with me.April 19, 2013 at 9:18 am #34052Madison SonnierParticipant
I highly recommend this article if you haven’t read it already. I have it bookmarked, and I re-read it often: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-maintain-a-healthy-relationship-when-youre-depressed/
Share it with your boyfriend too. Maybe it will help him understand you and your mentality a little bit better.
It’s always hard to maintain peaceful, loving relationships with other people when you’re feeling depressed. I’ve been there. I have a history of feeling depressed, and it still sneaks up on me sometimes. I can just go into a funk from anywhere to a few hours to a few days, and it affects everyone around me.
But the article I shared above really helps me whenever that happens.
Good luck!!April 19, 2013 at 10:31 am #34053LeighParticipant
Hi, I recently went through a break up. The relationship only lasted two months. But the break up was devastating because the guy was really great and it opened my eyes to the way I feel about myself. I too suffer from depression. My depression is caused by things that have happened to me in the past.
I was consumed by self-hatred. The way I thought about myself was disgusting. I decided then and there that I needed to change. I”m not a medical professional, and I’m not affiliated with any of the books I am about to recommend. But I read a few books that really helped me stop my self-hatred. I still have self-doubt that creeps up on me from time to time, I don’t think that will ever go away. I wish it would, but I’m sure it will always be with me.
The shortest, least expensive book, that had the biggest impact was Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. I bought it on Amazon for $0.99. I think it’s $2.99 now. It’s only 60+ pages, but it gives you tools to help with the way you feel about yourself. The second one was You can Heal Your Life, and I think it was under $10. The author’s name is Louise something.
I love my mother, but she thrives on unhappiness and despair. She is a recovered alcoholic, prescription drug addict, and she is bipolar. She had challenges growing up, and in Louise’s book she teaches you that we are all victims of victims. My mother did the best job she could raising me with the tools she had.
So, if you are ready to change, the change has to start inside you. Please read the reviews on the two books I recommend. Again, I’m not a medical professional or an author, just someone who knows what you are going through.
LeighApril 20, 2013 at 2:16 pm #34104Onder HassanParticipant
Depression is very common when in a relationship. I know because it has always been perhaps the main reason why the majority of my past relationships failed.
Being very young at the time, I would say it was all to do with lack of experience in not knowing how to effectively manage my emotions and feelings.
When you genuinely love someone, that feeling is very easy to transform into obsession if it isn’t managed properly. It’s a very common condition, which affects many people.
You begin to develop jealousy, paranoia and a feeling of hopelessness where you almost feel lost without your partner. This results in neediness and anxiety issues.
It wasn’t until I was out of the relationship that i realized where I was going on and knew that the biggest thing I should have changed was my lifestyle.
It’s very common for couples to give up most of their lifestyle in order to better fit their partner, and spend most of his/her time with them, which eventually starts to cause a strain in the relationship. Because of this massive strain, either one or both of them begins to feel heavily invested, which what begins kick starts the symptoms I mentioned above.
With this experience in mind, I understood that in order to keep a healthy perspective in your relationship, you MUST ensure that you lead a balanced life. Focus on a balanced lifestyle by incorporating things you’re happy with and one that makes you fulfilled. Take part in hobbies you enjoy, have ambition, spend time with friends and family and above all, your personal health.
If you do this, you’ll find that your relationships will feel much better and not feel like you need to be in one in order to be happy. In other words, you’ll be in it for the right reasons instead of in it due to wanting to fill a void in yourself.
If you can get in a place where you want your partner rather than need them in your life, then you’ll have developed a solid foundation to build on.April 22, 2013 at 6:09 pm #34252Kavetha SundaramoorthyParticipant
I just read your post above and can feel how worried you are. I wanted to share that DBT might be something to look into. Its called Dialectical Behavior therapy and it helps with some of the symptoms you have mentioned. I’m a psychiatrist which is how I know about it. It has four main parts: Mindfulness, Distress tolerance, Interpersonal effectiveness and emotion regulation.
Here is some more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy
Also, I would suggest talking to your PCP about other possible resources.
Wishing you peace and joy,
http://www.talk-doctor.comApril 23, 2013 at 5:44 am #34344
you absolutely hit the nail on your head, especially “Because of this massive strain, either one or both of them begins to feel heavily invested, which what begins kick starts the symptoms I mentioned above.” i think investing in myself and things outside of the relationship would, as you said, help fill that void and also help me to stop making my partner responsible for filling that void- THANK YOU.April 23, 2013 at 5:45 am #34345
i have written both of these books down and will definitely give them a shot. it’s comforting knowing that there are other people out there like me dealing with these issues- THANK YOU!April 23, 2013 at 5:45 am #34346
wonderful read- i hadn’t seen that one… thank you so much! <3April 23, 2013 at 5:49 am #34347
i can’t believe all of the amazing, helpful feedback i’m getting. i read your link and also into BPD; i’m not one to associate my problems to “conditions” right off the bat, but i can’t believe how every symptom with BPD matches with my own concerns. i’m so greatful you shared this, because now i feel like i know where to start. i can’t begin to express my thanks- this has helped me so much. THANK YOU!April 23, 2013 at 5:50 am #34348
wonderful read- i hadn’t seen that one… thank you so much! <3April 28, 2013 at 5:18 pm #34950Kavetha SundaramoorthyParticipant
You are most welcome and I’m glad it was useful for you.
Lots of luck and warm wishes for your journey. Let me know if Ic an help in any way.
http://www.talk-doctor.comApril 30, 2013 at 8:16 am #34976anneParticipant
I was mildly depressed without realising it in a previous, rather controlling relationship (we were engaged to be married), partly from him and also lots unresolved emotional teenage issues that I just ignored. He didn’t understand mental health at all, and as a result was unsupportive to the point I was too scared to express my thoughts for fear of rejection – I was about to turn 30, had been seriously ill and didn’t think anyone else would ever want me.. Which 2 years on I realise is UTTER CRAP and if he really did love me, he would of stuck by me and helped rather than leaving me to go to the depths of despair that pretty much had me thinking suicide was a far better idea than living – this is never a real option! Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem – and one you will overcome!
Fortunately after a dabble in severe depression and anxiety caused by a number of major life events I’ve met someone wonderful, who ‘gets me’ and loves me for who I am. ~I never thought it would be possible to heal my heart nor mind at times but one thing I did learn was that you have to learn to love yourself before you can be truly loved. He challenges me on my views and supports me fully and even after spending an evening holding my hand in a&e on Sunday night whilst I was being very cranky and in pain, made me realise he is the one for me.
Your quote ‘i feel like a horrible person’ makes me sad. You really are not – you just are thinking the wrong way and focusing on all the negatives in your life, which overshadow all the wonderful things. Is everything you do horrible? Are you horrible because your brushed your teeth this morning? Are you horrible that you have realised you need support? No no and no! You are strong – you wouldn’t be here otherwise!
Also parents are funny beings. How mine ever got together and had my brother and me has left me often wondering HOW??!! They had a vile relationship, which undoubtedly has affected me (and my brother) – same goes for my boyfriend – his parents too had a horrible relationship but you know what – you are not them! It is physically impossible to be them or even know what’s in their heads. Your life is for living as you want – not how they see fit or have done. Use them as an example to learn from not be affected by. You can’t change the past so don’t try to change things you can’t. Just be the best you can and support them as best as you can.
I did 6 weeks of REBT therapy earlier this year, which was brilliant and completely changed my way of thinking and my life. It wasn’t easy at times, often resulting in tears and anger but the therapy taught me to enjoy life again, engage with it and appreciate what I have – not what I don’t have. A great tool was from ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ book of writing down all the positive things that happened in your day and never the negative stuff! I also have a pink fairy book of gratitude that I write down positive comments in and thoughts, its handy when you have low days. Which I still do but they are fortunately in the minority and no longer the majority.
Good luck and don’t ever feel alone. embrace life, open your heart and love – don’t be afraid!