Onder Hassan is passionate about building Self-Confidence and has started a Self-Confidence blog to help others do the same. He is also a published author of How To Cure Social Anxiety: An Alternative Guide. Sign up for his FREE YOU 2.0 course for a simple strategy to overcoming your fears to take you to the next level. He can be found on Google+
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March 30, 2015 at 7:26 am #74647
There’s a quote that a friend of mine gave me about women that I often give others whenever They ask me for advice on their relationships and it’s usually this:
The Medium Is The Message
Women generally communicate on a covert level and are very rarely overt about why they do things in the context of dating and relationships. If they’re in a particular emotional state, then it’s very rarely spoken verbally or logically with the guy and often leaves the man feeling frustrated and confused. This is what causes complications because you can’t communicate it logically and have to essentially read her non-verbal communication and act accordingly.
Women need their men to just know how they’re feeling at all times without having to sit down and discuss it with him. It sucks but it’s the facts. Women talk on an emotional level while men communicate logically. In order to improve your relations you have to be willing to learn to speak their language.
So lets put things into context based on your situation. Your GF needed some time apart. That was essentially her way of saying “I don’t want to be around you anymore, have met someone else or potentially am interested in someone else who’s willing to get married and want my distance from you”. Think about it, why would someone want to be away from someone they love??
This girl basically wanted to get married. She didn’t get that level of commitment from you and decided to move on. The end.
My advice for you is to simply move on and continue working on yourself as you’re already doing. There are approximately 3.5 Billion women on the planet at this very moment. So the idea that you won’t ever meet another girl like her is basically not true and statistically impossible.
Get out there and start meeting more women. You will be surprised at how many of them you’ll meet and connect with.
OnderMarch 30, 2015 at 7:11 am #74646
They say that the best advice is usually the most toughest. So I won’t hold back and am hoping you get to read this and understand that my advice is coming from a place of love.
Before giving you my advice, i’m going to lay it out with some background theory so that it gives you some perspective of where my advice comes from.
Whenever I look at people who are struggling with their relationships, it doesn’t take long to figure out why by looking at their current lifestyle and how they’re treating themselves. I never used to quite agree with this before because I myself was in the same place and was living in denial.
I was badly dressed, was a hermit, ate junk food and didn’t have many friends or hobbies. It wasn’t until years later as my self-esteem started improving how badly I was treating myself. And yet there I was, expecting the best from life without having truly earned it.
In short, if you want to attract high value things and people in your life, you have to treat yourself as high value
It’s easy to accept yourself as you are and for self-help circles to suggest the same, but this is just the foundation of what you need before you can grow. You can’t just accept yourself and not do anything in order to improve. After all, life is about growth and improvement.
So if you’re currently overweight, depressed and lacking in self-esteem. Then my advice to you would be to hit the gym, start watching your diet and taking care of your mind and general health. I’m guessing you want the best quality mate you can find. But a person like that will have options. Be honest with yourself. Why would they want to be with you versus anyone else?
The sexual market place is cut throat and ruthless. And If you’re getting the results currently getting, then thats the sexual marketplace working as it should be. If you want the best, then expect to work hard and continue improving yourself.
Don’t fall for the classic fallacy that a person should accept you for who you are. It makes sense logically, but you have to firstly want to be a better person if it’s to be the case. You can’t convince yourself of your flaws being flawless and expect others to do the same. I hope this doesn’t upset you. It is a bitter pill to swallow. It was for me, but it soon changed my life for the better.
So my advice: No, don’t get into another relationship until you’ve worked on yourself.
OnderSeptember 23, 2013 at 6:45 pm #42668
Hi Carl, I know this is a very late response but I think I have an answer to your question. I’m currently writing a book about this very thing and will be updating my personal blog very soon. So keep an eye out 🙂September 23, 2013 at 6:38 pm #42667
I’m in the same position as you at the moment and have been without work for almost a year with no doors opening despite sending applications. I almost feel like a failure despite being educated and with some formal work experience. Being almost 30 in a few months, I feel like I have nothing to show for it and feel lost. I have since been managing my own blog as a way to vent my problems and to help others with similar issues. But the moral of my story is, you are not alone.
The hardest part anyone can do when suffering from hardship is to get yourself out of the mental rut you’re in and takes a long time to get over, particularly when things aren’t going the way you want it to.
The best solution i’ve found to help solve this problem is to simply appreciate your current situation and to see it all as a learning experience. Adversity is probably the most valuable thing we could ever experience in life as it’s usually in times like these that allow you to discover who you really are and to realise just how strong you can be.
Keep your head up and continue pushing forward. We are both going to come out the other side better people. Nothing bad lasts forever.May 5, 2013 at 2:16 pm #35135
I don’t really have any recommendations for managing emotions, but if i could perhaps offer you one piece of advice based on my experience.
The best way to become more emotional is to simply be willing to let go and allow yourself to feel naturally.
As humans we’re meant to feel the full range of emotions whether its anger, happiness, sadness and bitterness etc.
When the emotion comes up for you, say to yourself:
‘This is how i’m feeling right now and I accept and invite it with open arms’
You’ll find over time that the emotions will quickly dissipate more quickly as you’ll no longer be stopping yourself or holding back.
Being sad, happy or angry isn’t a bad thing. It’s what makes us human 🙂
Good luck.April 20, 2013 at 2:51 pm #34105
In my experience, I find the best way to come up with creative ideas is when I try not to think of coming up with one.
A lot of my best ideas come from simply living my life and having lots of ‘me’ time.
The Google offices actually encourage this by allowing their employees to spend an ample amount of time taking part in fun activities.
I would say the reason why this works is because you’re allowing your mind to ease by engaging in things that aren’t directly related to what you’re trying to do, which is coming up with a creative idea. If you simply let go and have faith that your mind will come up with a solution subconsciously, it will eventually happen.
Maxwell Maltz in his book ‘Psycho Cybernetics’ refers to this as the ‘success mechanism’ 🙂April 20, 2013 at 2:16 pm #34104
Depression is very common when in a relationship. I know because it has always been perhaps the main reason why the majority of my past relationships failed.
Being very young at the time, I would say it was all to do with lack of experience in not knowing how to effectively manage my emotions and feelings.
When you genuinely love someone, that feeling is very easy to transform into obsession if it isn’t managed properly. It’s a very common condition, which affects many people.
You begin to develop jealousy, paranoia and a feeling of hopelessness where you almost feel lost without your partner. This results in neediness and anxiety issues.
It wasn’t until I was out of the relationship that i realized where I was going on and knew that the biggest thing I should have changed was my lifestyle.
It’s very common for couples to give up most of their lifestyle in order to better fit their partner, and spend most of his/her time with them, which eventually starts to cause a strain in the relationship. Because of this massive strain, either one or both of them begins to feel heavily invested, which what begins kick starts the symptoms I mentioned above.
With this experience in mind, I understood that in order to keep a healthy perspective in your relationship, you MUST ensure that you lead a balanced life. Focus on a balanced lifestyle by incorporating things you’re happy with and one that makes you fulfilled. Take part in hobbies you enjoy, have ambition, spend time with friends and family and above all, your personal health.
If you do this, you’ll find that your relationships will feel much better and not feel like you need to be in one in order to be happy. In other words, you’ll be in it for the right reasons instead of in it due to wanting to fill a void in yourself.
If you can get in a place where you want your partner rather than need them in your life, then you’ll have developed a solid foundation to build on.April 15, 2013 at 1:49 pm #33843
What got me on the path to personal development was all due to the fact that i rarely had reasons to be happy and was always miserable.
I expected things in my life, which when it didn’t come to be, would make me even more miserable. And it would put me in a downward spiral.
But it wasn’t until i began to switch focus when i started to see what happiness for me was really about. I noticed that the more i did that helped other people, the more purposeful my life was and the more I felt useful as a human being.
I used to think that acquiring materialistic possessions and achievements would make me happy but it never did.
The trick is to do the things you love, challenge yourself and to essentially give in value to others. The more often you do this, the more wealthy you’ll find your life will become.
It took me a while to figure it out and is something that is universally agreed upon by many others who end up living successful lives.April 8, 2013 at 1:49 pm #31986
Discovering your purpose is very possible and believe that we’re all here to fulfill it and to provide value to the world.
We’re all unique for a reason and are here to find out what that uniqueness is and to eventually share it with the world. It’s perhaps what makes life so interesting to live since every day is a new personal discovery. But only if we focus on making it so.