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Goodness, this sounds like it could have been written by my ex. The negative self defeating thoughts and paranoia are so similar…..This is a very complicated one, and hard to give advice on because only you really know where your issues come from or what triggers them. I can give you my amateur analysis from what I understand of this type of dynamic.
There are several things in play here, self esteem, self image, self love, insecurity, fear, paranoia, ruminating worry. The last three are the manifestations from the lack of the first three. I give you much credit that you can see it is in fact negative insecurity, you admit that you know your thoughts are irrational. As being someone who has suffered anxiety and panic attacks and who has seen someone I care about have them also. I know that when we feel these things we absolutely BELIEVE their causes are life or death situations. Nothing anyone or even what we can tell ourselves is going to drag us back to reality. Its a very difficult place to be in, and can only further to damage our psyche and confidence.
You are having these thoughts because some primal instinct within you is reacting to preserve yourself. It may seem for good reason but the problem with this defensive bubble is that there is only room for one, and the other is left our in the cold away from your embrace. This primal instinct is even more powerful than your logical brain, it even has the ability to hijack your cognitive ability using your logical brain to justify valid reasons that your primal reaction is in fact warranted. You switch off all ability to discern between thoughts and feelings and see everything through a black and white filter. Facts are replaced by feelings, and perceptions are absolute. Understanding this can help ensure while your fight or flight response is in high gear, you can keep yourself somewhat calm. Knowing that you are not thinking clearly, you are having an episode and at all cost, do not react, or act while not thinking straight.
You need to find out why dating and relationships plays to your insecurity or self preservation instinct so badly. Generally it has to do with our core wounds. Something from our past, that traumatized us so badly, that our psyche has developed intensive defensive mechanism to avoid or deal with similar in the future. The problem is even the most innocent of comment or action can be perceived as an offenses gesture, thus being referred to as a trigger. Core wound could be something like, having been cheated on by someone you loved, being in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, even something like being bullied at a young age, or not having a strong bond with our original care givers can be the source. The point in all this is that we do not have a healthy sense of self. Something about our personalities never developed….. usually its our emotions and ability to manage them and discern the good ones from the bad, logical from irrational. When the core wound occurs it stunts our emotional growth, which affects our ability to think comfortably about who we are and moreso our ability to interact with others in romantic relationships.
Specifically romantic relationships, because these require much more of us than just friendships. A romantic relationship demands love, and you can not have love without trust, communication, and vulnerability. We can not trust others if we dont even trust ourselves. We can not have honest communication with others if we can not even have honest conversations with ourselves. We can not be vulnerable to others if we dont even know we truly are deep inside. Our defenses of core wounds not only serve to keep others our, but they keep us out as well, its called denial. We will control what we show others and what we dont. Only giving them bits and peices of ourselves, letting out as much line as we are willing to loose. Not loving with all of our hearts and minds, because we are reminded of our core wounds and how traumatic the experience was. We vow to never allow ourselves to deal with such a thing ever again and more than likely because we never really dealt with it or got over it to begin with, its simply repressed.
Something about your dynamic with this person triggers this trauma. Thus activating your primal instinct, to either avoid dealing with the problem and experiencing pain or to continue to repress the problem from the past that remains unresolved.
I read a lot of fear in your post, you are afraid he is using you, afraid he isnt attracted to you, afraid his jokes are hinting at some truth about yourself…… Something that may help is try to put your feelings aside and look for the facts. What facts or evidence do you have that proves you are being used, he isnt attracted, or that his jokes arent simply in poor taste? Fear is healthy when it keeps us alive, the flight or flight instinct. However, there is also fear that keeps us from living, that can also tigger our instincts but keeps us closed on a box removed from the greatest experiences being a human has to offer. An emotionally mature and mentally healthy person can discern between the two. The fear you feel comes from somewhere, be it fear of intimacy, commitment, or abandonment. All these problems arent relationship killers persay…. but the one thing I see that will ultimately cause these problems to continue is your fear to communicate with him.
This was a big issue in my past relationship. I was afraid to communicate my thoughts and feelings to him for fear of his overreactions. He was afraid to communicate to me as he was unsure of himself, and did not want to burden me with what he knew was his irrational thoughts, paranoia and worry. No one was talking, no one was communicating. We were both operating off of assumptions, and acting and reacting off half truths and the lies we were telling ourselves, because after all that’s all the limiting fear is, lies. We were afraid of loosing each other, and thats exactly what we got. Reactions and action based in fear will always yield the self fulfilling prophecy.
You say he gets frustrated, I can understand that. Being on the other side of this situation with a person who suffers from what you do. It can be emotionally draining. Feeling like nothing you can ever do is good enough, never knowing when the next trigger will occur and argument ensues over what I felt to be a non-issue. Its like walking through an emotional mine field, never knowing when you’re going to step on the next one. You feel like you will never understand this person as there is no pattern or predicable method to the madness. It all resides in their head and you are helpless to do anything about it. However if he wants to be in a relationship with you. He needs to understand and respect this is your reality. He needs to be mindful of his actions that can trigger this thinking, and be supportive and comforting when it does occur even if it seems for no reason at all. This much I can not say I was great at. There was defiantly more I could have done to be understanding and patient. Not to act in ways that triggered him, and take responsibility for my part.
I would suggest seeking a therapist. However counseling will be useless if you refuse to be honest and open and objectively receive whatever input a professional may have for you. You are going to need an ability to objectively consider all factors about the way you’re acting. Your denial and instinct will attempt to disrupt this. Your denial will tell yourself, “we have been hurt, we are this way for good reason” and that may be, but the follow up question is, “but is this reason allowing me to live my life to the fullest and truly getting what I want out of it?”
My ex always sought to make me responsible for his reactions, never taking accountability that his reactions are his own, regardless of my actions which were simply triggers to deeper issues within himself that he was not ready to admit none the less deal with. It was because of what I did, that was the cause of his feelings or reactions….. Although ultimately I have to own my actions as playing with fire. A relationship takes two, both parties holding themselves responsible for their actions and reactions. Fighting fire with more fire just burns everyone. Point here again being communication, with yourself and with him. If you dont communicate the seeds of resentment are planted, they will grow like weeds and choke out the bountiful garden that you are trying to build with this person.
I could keep going on this topic, as I am very familiar with it, having dated someone for a long time who was prone to the exact same thinking. To leave you I will suggest you really do some hard reflection, think back about your past make peace with whatever you find and start living in the present, and not thinking to much about the future. I tend to be more on the psychological/scientific side of things. However one thing I have learned from this site, is that our ability to keep our minds in the present and accept just being. Can cure a lot of the pain and suffering we cause ourselves by our thoughts, about our troubled past or fear of “what might be” down the road. Just enjoy the fact that today, you have someone in your life that cares about you, you enjoy his company, and yesterday is only memory, and tomorrow will be what it will be. I can only control *myself* in the here and now. This isnt an issue with just this relationship, its going to be a pattern until you can get it figured out psychologically or spiritually and learn to be more present. Best of luck!
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Chad.
Im confused as to what the jealousy or fear of being replaced has to do with. In your children’ life or perhaps your marriage? Im not sure why you would consider that a reason to keep facebook, from what you have provided.
I came to this realization some time ago, that basically I was spending too much time watching others lives go by and posting mine on the internet. It really served no purpose. Facebook is pretty much just for validation. Peoples thoughts, beliefs, activities are broadcasted and then affirmed by ‘friends.’ If people really care what I am up to the important ones have my phone # and can call me. Isnt that the way it used to be?
I deleted my facebook months ago, went back for a week, and then deleted it again. I dont really miss it, so what was it really adding to my life?
I understand being a parent you need to keep tabs on your children. My suggestion to this would be, a rule, if they want to have these types of social media, mom and dad get the passwords. You may be worried about appearing overbearing or invade their sense of privacy. I suppose I have old school attitude toward parenting. Facebook, twitter, iphones, computers arent rights they are privelages, especially if you are footing the bill for them. If your kids want to choose to continue using them, they then submit to the mom and dad terms and conditions. Just as we agreed to when joining this site. It was our choice to join, and commit to the rules. If we dont follow them, we dont get to use the site anymore. Give your children the same choice. This might serve to eliminate the need for a FB of your own. In addition to help you keep better tabs on what they are doing as there are ways on there to hide their activity from you anyhow.
At the least, delete it off your phone, and check it only from a computer. Not having it so readily available might help.
I agree completely, and often feel that we can best serve our own needs, by serving the needs of others and our community.
Example: If I cut my grass, plant flowers and keep my own home looking nice. What value does it have to me, if my neighborhood is blighted? My home looks good looking from the outside in, but what can I see of it from inside. My view is inside looking out. This is the world I see. If a tranquil environment brings me peace. Then shouldnt I help my neighbors who might be elderly and can not cut their own grass? or plant flowers in their yard as they may not have money for it? If this is what I see, if this is what affects me, in a way. Do I not have a responsibility to it, versus just existing in it, and doing only for my own property or business?
People are so wrapped up in their own worlds, they stand in their front yards with their backs to their neighbors and revel in their own shallow accomplishments. Not sitting inside by their fire and truly enjoying what it is they have, looking out the window and taking pride that they are having a positive effect on the world around them, not only making it a better place for themselves to live, but for others as well. Its a win win if you think about it.
To begin with your questions, I doubt you would remember the way the fling made you ‘feel’ i.e. “I enjoyed it – I enjoyed the attention, the look in the other guys eyes, the sense of being “truly” wanted by a stranger”, had it been truly a drunken fling. I think this implies something larger within yourself. One big question I would ask myself is, if I love my boyfriend so much, why does a stranger give me this feeling I enjoy, and not him? Only you can know why you did what you did. Its going to take you being extremely humble, and open with yourself. You’re going to need to look in the mirror and be honest with what it is you see, not let your ideal self distort your perception of your actual self. There often is a large disparity between the two. In the middle area lay the answer to your questions. The feeling of comfort or contentment in a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but just like everything in life, there must be a balance. Being too comfortable and for the wrong reasons, i.e. fear of being alone. Is not a good reason to stay in a ‘comfortable’ relationship.
Cheating is the ultimate wake up call that there is something seriously wrong with a relationship, period. People who are happy, emotionally healthy, and responsible in a relationship, simply do not cheat. I dont know that you need to take the relationship more responsibly. Perhaps you need to take a look at the commitment you have made to him, and take that more seriously. To me commitment means more than just sticking it out through all else. If you really care about this guy, commitment also means being committed to not just the relationship but to *him* as a person. Wanting to see him happy and having the best in their life. Even if that means you have to exit from it.
Personally, I can related to your situation. I was with someone who had a paralyzing fear that I too, would cheat. It was the constant source of so much grief, distrust, paranoia, insecurity, and breakdown in communication in our relationship. While I didnt do the dirty deed in presence. I did allow myself to become embroiled in an inappropriate facebook exchange. My ex walked over it.
In situations like these there are so many dynamics. You say you never argued or fought/argued much, why not? do you find this a plus or a negative? Most relationships will eventually have these struggles. A lack of which isnt always a sign of poor boundaries, but it might be….. To me and by my past experience. No fighting/arguing means neither of us was willing to stand up for ourselves. Go with the flow, just easier not to. Was the attitude, which lead to a lot of resentment and what not later on. To me arguing is learning, about each other that is. Learning where the boundaries are, and marking danger zones on the map. Also being with someone with healthy conflict resolution skills is paramount to a relationship more than simply, ignoring the issues and moving on. Like I tend to do.
I think its great you told him, good for you for ultimately making a good choice although your first one wasnt great. Im happy he is willing to give you and the relationship time to rebuild. I wish I had heard the same words from my ex, seems yours cares about you more than mine did. My advice on this front is, its going to take time. Its probably only going to get worse before it gets better. Your “lockdown” is normal. You’re going to have to earn his trust back. Which means your life moving forward must be an open book to him. Do not deny any inquisition, be completely open and loose any defensiveness.
Its extremely hard for a relationship to go back to the way it was before the infidelity. Honestly? it never will. You’re both going to need to throw away the way it was, because something about that dynamic wasnt working for you. You need to find the rifts that existed between you and sew them up. This is going to be a long an intensive search. I’ll be honest, most of what gets uncovered as a result of an infidelity often tend to be what really ends a relationship. Not so much the act of cheating itself but the deeper reasons it occurred in the first place. Most people wont admit this to themselves. Look at it like this, the cheating is just the tip of the ice berg. Its just the point where all the latent issues in the relationship finally broke through to the surface. Below the surface is where the root of all this lay.
If he is willing to scratch the surface with you and dig deeper and deal with whatever you may find beneath. He’s a really good guy. Keep him. You said, you’re willing to change for him, but you dont know how long this modification to your thinking will last. It may be difficult to accept. This thought may suggest, that you two just arent compatible. There is something to be said for maturity and ability to bridge gaps between differences but sometimes they are just too large. That however, is for the two of you to decide. Whether or not you are good enough for him is not the question. Its whether or not you are good enough for you….. changing for him wont stick. Changing for yourself will. For me I realized I was unhappy with the way I acted period, it was out of character and I wasnt acting like the type of person I know I can be in a relationship. Once getting to the bottom of my own issues. I realized Im going to have to change them for myself to be a better person for me, none the less if I ever want to participate and have a go at any healthy relationship in the future.
Its going to be one step forward, two steps back for awhile. If you’re both in it for the *right* reasons, yall will be ok and stronger than ever. If not, then that too will show. Please embrace whatever you find in this process even though it may be not what you want right now. You’ll eventually see this challenge was placed before you for a reason. As soon as you learn what you needed to from it, you’ll move forward with or without, better and wiser than you were before. Either way try to look at it as a positive for you and for him. Best of luck.
You are speaking to something that is a common malfunction of the human condition. Psychologist refer to it as cognitive dissonance. It occurs when our actions or behaviors contradict our core belief or values. I too have had episodes of cognitive dissonance and my actions cost me the love of someone I cared for deeply. Does it make us bad people? does it speak to our poor character? I will wager no, becuase you are feeling guilty about it, even after. You are seeking to reconcile this guilt. A “bad” person or person of poor character wouldnt give a second thought to their behavior or how it hurt themselves or others. So give yourself some credit here. Dissonance is a really tought thing to avoid and steer clear of. You made a comment “i find i keep learning things the hard way.” Brother, I am right there with you. I seem to ALWAYS get myself in jams and they often arent worth what I was trying to achieve. Im with you, stuck on how to change it about myself. We can understand why it occurs, the dissonance, we can understand the self justifications we tell ourselves in the moment to quiet our conscience and do it anyway. I guess the trick is, to not act hastily. If you know you struggle with dissonance and self justification. Do not be quick to make a decision. Bad decisions occur “in the moment.” In this moment we only consider what we have to gain, in the way of instance gratification. We do not think about others, or the long term negatives or consequinces of our decisions.
Most people are guilty of this to some extent so go easy on yourself. The fact you recognize it and are seeking a solution speaks volumes above most people who just shrug it off and think the ends justify the means and will never take responsiblity for their choices as being completely their own. Some of it is maturity, you are in your 20’s. As you continue to age and grow, the negative ramifications of past decisions will stick with you and be constant reminders to steer clear of danger zones. My best advice as stated above, is to simply slow down, not jump to decisions. Allow your mind an opportunity to process the totality of the circumstances before acting. Research cognitive dissonance and self justification on t he internet for additional suggestions on how to address these things.
Firstly, slow down! this just happened 10 days ago? You need to allow yourself the opportunity and right to grieve this loss. Grieving the end of a relationship can be just as difficult as grieving the death of a loved one, because in a sense it feels like they are truly gone as if they have died. So you need to be understanding and compasionate with yourself and understand that this is a process. The grieving process does not follow a stair step where you achieve on and go onto another. It can be very cyclical. It feels like the roller coaster ride from hell and as much as you want to get off, it just wont let you. Grieving the loss is a prerquisite to getting over it. If you dont want to carry this as baggage into your future you must let it take its corse. FEEL all the pain, anguish, hurt, that you will. Give yourself permission to be human.
Secondly, Im concerned you are dating again. Breakups can be like getting clean from a drug addiction as the “in love” feeling releases hormones into our brains that we go through withdrawal from when these are absent. Dating again or rebounding is simply looking for a new drug source, to make you feel better. It might make you feel better for a moment, but its only hurting you in the long run, emotionally. Can you honestly say at this curent time, you would be able to give any perspective guy/gal your full attention? be the type of person they deserve you to be? I think rebounds or dating so soon after a break up is not only unfair to yourself, its unfair to the person who may be looking for what you arent ready to give just yet.
Thirdly, you cant get over it if you are still holding on to it. Anticipating and holding out hope for his return will keep you in the past. It will prevent you from moving forward. Im sorry things did not work out, but what helped me after my recent breakup with someone I cared very much about was the peace in accepting, if it was a good relationships then it still would be….. however its not, its a breakup because something was broken. Sounds like he wasnt willing or able to make you a priority in his life. You know what IJ? You DESERVE to be a priority. You DESERVE someone who will give to you what it is you need from a relationship. If he wasnt able to do this for you, and he realized it and let you go. Then to be honest? Its probably for the best. Now you can focus on yourself, evaluate your part in what was wrong in the relationships, make adjustments, be honest, forgive him and most importantly forgive yourself. You now have an open ticket to move onto someone who will be better for you, knowing you are ready to be better in return. That is the gift of breakups, but only if you are willing to unwrap it and accept it.
The universe will take this back, when it is ready to. More than likely the reasons it has put this trial and hurdle into your life is that you needed to learn something from it. When you figure out what that is and own it. The universe will bring you something else as reward. We certainly can love and it not be returned. What type of love are we talking about here? Most people on here refer to only selfish love. The love they want to feel, not the love they want to give. Pure love is given without expectations, its loving yourself, its loving them. Loving him for letting you go, loving him for his difficulties and having compassion that maybe he is struggling, and not being angry or spiteful of him for his choice. Although it hurts so much and makes no sense at the moment.
Just tell yourself, it all begins and ends within you, I hope you find the peace it is you seek. You need to go find you again, once you do, time will heal all.
Let me ask you this, what is the purpose of finding the answer to your question? I assigning blame going to change what occured? No, what is done is done. We all make mistakes and maybe the way you were contributed to why you found difficulty making a relationship work. So the real golden nugget in your question is, what was I doing that make a relationship/friendship difficult, and how can I change that and be more compassionate with myself about it. So that it does not continue to interfere with my interpersonal relationships moving forward.
I agree with the last sentence of IJ’s feedback, you have to give to someone what it is you want to receive from them. It all starts and ends within ourselves.
You arent stupid! Its not uncommon after some years pass and people have an opportunity to put space between a situation they will attempt to reach out to build some mutual ground and maybe finally get some closure. You both say you’re sorry’s and attempt to keep in touch. As will said this person was a big part of your life for some segment of it. I dont understand people who just completly cut out their ex’s all together. This usually says more about them, their inability to let go, get over it, and not hold grudges. Im not sure how the relationship ended. What it seems you’re going through here is another case of unrealized expectations. You put yourself out there expecting XYZ result. He didnt give it to you, now you’re upset and feel silly. Hey girl! let me tell you, you did what you felt whatever it was you needed to by reaching out, and thats great. You cant control how he will react to it. Nor can you assume to know whats going through his mind or his reasons for not wanting to give a # out. My advice is if you really want to re-connect in a plutonic way with this person. Let that be your only expectation, and be happy and open to whatever it is he is willing to give you in return. Also communication is important, always. Have you told him why you didnt reply in the past? have you told him why its important to you now to keep in touch? This may serve to clear up any assumption he is making as to why all of a sudden he is hearing from you, when his attempts in the past went unanswered.
OKAY I know this is supposed to be a support site for enlightenment and encouragement, finding self etc….After reading your whole thing, you will have to forgive me in advance for some of my feedback is going to seem extremely judgmental and blunt. I only have your words and how you have portrayed your situation to go off of, I will give you my honest perceptions. I dont know what “black box” is or could even possible refer to, I really dont see how any issue it might refer to has any real bearing as it didnt seem to come up as something the source of your dilemma revolves around. What I noticed the source of your dilemma revolves around is simply…….. you.
1: I always wondered what a “young professional” title means exactly. How is it different from a young person or just simply a professional? Why combine the two? Is there an old professional? if so what does that mean? what would be the difference be? When I hear young professional and from my experience with people who use that term, its simply some sort of “status.”
2: You made a choice, to date someone you weren’t interest in, I think you need to ask yourself why? be really honest with yourself… going into something with a poor attitude and ending up with what you have….. are you surprised? I think there is something to be said about being an adult and not being shallow and giving someone a chance. The fact you make mention of it, tells me you think you should have enforced your boundaries earlier. Sometimes we should cut the cords to dating before starting a relationship with someone. The reasons we do it, are for you to find and will be what keeps you clear of something like this again. You list off things like, being fit, having money, being professional and having friends….. these are really your priorities? This is what common traits you look for in a partner? or how you gauge success of your life? What about, is emotionally balanced, respectful, responsible, honest……. I see those mentioned no where in your laundry list of demands from a man. I only see shallow surface things that have little or nothing to do with WHO a person is, but simply WHAT they are. Just Q’s to consider.
3: You say the word FEAR 4 times….. I will give you enormous kudos that you are willing to admit this being one of your obstacles. FEAR lives in your head and poisons your heart. Most of the time what we fear is not a reality however a figment of our insecurities. Why would you be in a relationship with someone for an entire year you kept secret? This guy must have a steel sense of self or no self esteem at all to be someones secret for an entire year.
4: “R isn’t very polished or well read, his language is fairly crass and he lacks the worldliness I’ve always expected my partner to have.” ………Are you serious?
5: “he didn’t have time to become a suave, polished, cultured man” Sounds like you’re too good for him then
6: You’re mom probably knew the entire time what was up. If she has sacrificed to give you what you have, hopefully you’re appreciative of her. At the end of the day however, your life is yours to live. Im sure the sacrifices they made weren’t done for you to make bad choice too. That is apart of learning and growing. I’m sure mom understands that and would be supportive of you no matter what, that’s just the way moms are.
7: So its his fault you cant stand up for what you want? or that you cant be honest with yourself or your parents? “normal” couple? what does normal look like anyway…? look around two men, two women, white black, transgender, single parents, normal is taking on a completely new meaning, what meaning or normal are you stuck on?
8:They say breakups light up the same areas in the brain as someone getting clean off cocaine. We think its a “hearbreak” but its really a withdrawal from a chemical addiction, from the hormones in our system that are generated when we feel “love.” Give it a couple months, and see if you still feel the same way.
9: Im liking this guy more and more, good for him. He needs to find someone who wont try and change him into some James Bond CEO fantasy partner that you are looking for. Just because you dont have your stuff together emotionally, its not fair to make it his problem. You broke up with him, he doesnt owe you anything anymore.
10: Regret and guilt is a good thing to a certain extent, it means you arent a complete sociopath. But why do you feel these things? because you hurt him? or because you had him, gave him up, want him again, and he’s smart enough to steer clear? Something tells me the latter. For his sake and for your own healing, you need to leave him alone. Not forever….. just until you can get yourself back into the mold of a semi healthy and emotionally stable person again.
11: Rumination is a tough one, the only way Ive found to really stop them, is to change your attitude about the break up, one from pain and despair to freedom and life lesson. When you can look back and smile appreciating the good times and knowing the bad were necessary for growth. You wont have these pangs of remorse and frustration.
12: The only way you’ll ever get him back, is to get over him. Break ups happen because its broken. Something about the way he is, and the way you are simply do not work together. So to assume that you can remain the same people and try again is against logic. Ever heard, “doing the same thing the same way and expecting different results?” You’ll either have to accept its over, learn what you needed to learn and move on. Or try to address your problems and be a better person. You’re going to have to do all these things anyway. Otherwise any future relationship you have you will simply drag the same negative manifestations of your personality into the next one. Once someone has put you outside of their defensive walls, there is absolutely nothing you can do to get back in. They are the keepers of the gate and will only be the ones who decide when and for who it opens again. This guy let you inside once, you ran am-muck, and like the barbarians into china he’s built a big ass wall to keep you out. While he attempts to rebuild in the aftermath.
Sister, Im telling you, I wish I could swoop in and sprinkle magic dust to make your pain go away. It sucks and I know it so much. I hope you approached my feedback from a position of humility. I honestly see in your writing a lot of extremely typical problems with young people these days. The confusion, fear of commitment, the unrealistic expectations, the misplaced priorities. The only freedom from all this is not going to come from him, or your friends, or us. Its going to come from yourself. You need to commit to intense reflection and own the things you find. This is about YOU, whatever part he had in it and he does, they always do. It doesn’t matter as he is gone and you’re only left with yourself now…..
I hope you find the peace it is you seek, its all begins and ends within us!
I know it sounds lame, but there seems to be a trend up and coming called “meet up” groups. You can research local ones on line. They usually revolved around a bunch of random people who enjoy a particular thing and want to do that thing with other people who also enjoy it. It could be playing cards, riding bikes, hiking, or just going out to dinner. You’ll find there are a lot of people just like you, who are looking for friendship from people just like you. You have to be willing to give what it is you want to receive from someone. Hope you look into the meet up thing, sounds lame and awkward but that feeling goes away quickly.
Congrats Sonia, when I came out and no one really cared, my first thought was. Why didnt I do this sooner!?!? Im sure you are enjoying being released from your burden. Hope Mardi Gras was good, we go all out where I live in Louisiana (USA). One of the few areas in the states that celebrates the carnival season.
I agree with most on here in that, you are posting here because you need external validation that your concerns are valid. We can not tell you that, only you know what is right for you. One thing I noticed is that you listed off all of his good qualities. I have no doubt he is an amazing person who is capable of some great things. Unfortunately when people are addicts, be it alcohol, drugs, gambling, hell even love. The other dynamic that develops is one of codependency. The addict/codep relationship is generally very toxic. You said he doesn’t abuse you? do you mean physically? Just from reading your synopsis, emotional abuse may be present, that can be even worse.
Alcoholism can be in the form of physical addiction or psychological, sometimes both. My ex had a psychological dependency on alcohol, his answer to his problems was to run to the bar with his friends and get drunk, because it was “fun” and sometimes reality isnt always fun. I put up with the drinking and the drunk driving. Its not just disrespectful to themselves, its disrespectful to you, their family and anyone who cares about them none the less the innocent people on the street they could kill. DUI is now and forever will be a deal breaker for me. Its a red flag to an over arching attitude problem and lack of self accountability and awareness. The fact he doesnt want to talk about it, means he knows he was wrong but doesnt want to own up to his bad choices. A relationship with someone like that is going to be a hard road to hoe.
You can not love someone into changing, that is the mantra of the codependent. I hope you find the peace you seek, remember it all starts and ends within us!March 6, 2014 at 6:17 am in reply to: I rejected him, he rejected me. Now my feelings are stronger than ever. Help! #52374
I am by no means a professional, however just an astute “observer of the human scene.” My analysis and perspective is as follows and feel free to ignore any or all of it. At the end of the day you have to do what feels right.
Firstly, this guy came on strong at first? I too am apprehensive when someone is just way too into something way too soon. Often there is a lot of idealization going on, where they have you built up in their head as the ‘perfect’ person. They are seeking an attachment not a relationship, which could be a red flag to deeper layers of insecurity and self esteem issues. This process isnt sustainable and unless a deeper bond is formed in the mean time, when the inevitable occurs. Which is that they realize you can not live up to the person that is strictly in their head (no one ever can) they’re usually disappointed and gone not soon after. That may have been or not be what was occurring. Most emotionally healthy people take it slow and if anything go with the flow with minor expectations on you.
Secondly, kudos for standing up for your feelings and willing to admit to yourself you were foolish (forgive that word) in not having given him a chance. Kudos for sharing it with him. So what did you expect? Him to say “oh yes, ive been waiting for this day for the past year, Ive had my life on hold waiting for the moment you finally realized I was here.” I may have trivialized it, but the point remains, and to me, seems a little selfish to expect much from him at this point. When you release your expectations the rejection will sting less.
Third, its a tricky thing making friends into lovers. You risk loosing the bond and relationship you share with this person as a friendship. If that is a risk you are willing to take to loose this person from your life completely. Keep pushing and that’s more than likely what you will get.
To bring this back to a more supportive and enlightening perspective as this is “tiny buddha” my best advice would be to release your expectations of him and what it is you want from him and want him to do. He is his own person, he was into you, and isnt anymore, respect his choice and his right as an individual to make that choice. If you really care about him, his happiness and well being should be important to you. If you dare love him, than putting your needs before his, i.e. wanting him to be with you, when he does not wish to pursue this. Isnt really love in its purest form. I personally dont understand the “all or nothing” line between friends and dating. Where one minute you can share an incredible bond and the next are perfect strangers simply because one party does not wish to deal with the difficult emotions. The first step of a romantic relationships is first a friendship, so if you arent willing to be a friend to him, be supportive to him, meet with a smile any new woman in his life. Than he might be better off with you gone.
I hope you find the peace it is you seek. I have a bad tendency to play devils advocate, so please forgive any thing Ive said that could be communicated or received as judgement. It is only my intention to provide a more humbling perspective, as I have learned it is only when we look inward do we find truth in our circumstances. Its a hard spot to be in when feelings aren’t reciprocated. You can not control him, you can only control yourself, and decide what of him in your life you’re willing to be satisfied with, even if it isnt the way you want. It all begins and ends within us!
It certainly is a fine line between what is wisdom and what is fear. Fear will absolutely destroy a relationship.
The best thing I would say is try to look at the situation objectively. Look for the facts and evidence in her actions that would lead you to believe she is entertaining a bond with this other guy. If you cant come up with one thing to really sink your teeth into, you’re only left with paranoia and fear being passed off as intuition of what “might could be.” The fact she is being responsive to your concerns and agree’s with your analysis that this dude is being a bit too chummy is a big thing. Someone who really likes that attention isnt going to be so quick to see it as a threat, i.e. as you do, none the less take action to mitigate it.
Communication and trust is what you need here my friend. You dont want to push her away by depriving the relationship of either. We have a really nasty habit of letting our insecurity and fears turning us into self fulfilling prophecies. She needs to see you as strong and confident and you need to do these things for yourself as well.
This sounds more about him than it does about you, just a few points I would like to provide an alternate perspective on, feel free to disregard if you wish. I am not a professional of any sorts.
1: Lets give you credit for bringing your issues to him! Communication is a bedrock to any solid relationship, Lets also give this dude credit for giving you an honest answer to your concern. You got what you asked for, so how will you react? Use his honesty against him and end it? Someone who is willing to be open with you and honest with themselves seems to be a rare thing.
2: Soulmate theory, I dont believe “soulmates” just happen, I dont believe you just walk through a crowd and are guided to someones spiritual energy. I believe soul mates are created when two people are compatible enough and feel comfortable enough with each other to drop all defenses and insecurities and bear their souls to each other. This vulnerability on both sides it what *creates* the soulmate bond. It takes a lot of work and two very emotionally healthy people.
3: What will you do now? You say you love him and despite some relationship problems you want to “work it out.” I would use this as an opportunity to take inventory of these past issues, were they mutually resolved? or just swept under the rug? Were they really deal breakers that you ignored/made excuses for because you simply wanted the relationship/companionship so badly? You need to come up with a game plan of where to go from here. The pin has been pulled out of the grenade, will you throw it or hold onto it and let it blow you both up? His comment about not being 100% sure I think is a decent sign all is not lost just yet. Most people have several layers, the root of all this is probably between one or multiple of his. However most people aren’t honest enough themselves to start peeling the layers back to find the answers.
I think your solution is going to come only after some hard, honest and open reflection, as to the condition of the current relationship. If there isnt really a strong foundation beneath the “surface” anything you build on that lot will just fall apart as time goes on. If the relationship hasnt progressed emotionally past 6 months, its probably because someone isnt willing or able to be vulnerable emotionally to take the big leap and risk to opening up and moving into deeper territory.