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Hi Anita,
Oh how I wish that I could just walk away… from them both but more particularly, from my sister. That must have taken so much courage for you to make that decision! And even harder, I would imagine, that once you have made that decision, that you don’t go back on it. I have so much respect for you.
I had already decided that once my mother had passed on, that I would go no contact with my sister. 55 years of this (I’m 61, she is younger than me by 2.5 years) is quite enough.. life is too short. Once my mother is no longer around, that will be the end of it.
I have documented all of this. I have all the texts and notes of conversations. I am going to see a solicitor for legal advice next week.
I am now thinking, why wait until mother passes, this is never going to go away. And one of the things I am going to discuss with the solicitor is relinquishing my LPA’s on my mother. That would mean that my sister would be in full control of my mother’s financial affairs, and her health and welfare on her own. And on her own head will it all then fall, when it does. I really have had enough of this. Although she will be in full control of everything then, in a way she actually is anyway, as any suggestions or questions I may have are usually disregarded anyway, so what is the point?
I had to text her this morning, after her ‘not speaking’ to me for the last two days as I needed to know if her husband still wanted to put his car on my drive, and when, as they were planning on going on holiday for two weeks and I didn’t know when. If I hadn’t have texted her, I wouldn’t have even known they were going on holiday today, as my sister has never given me the exact dates. She texted me to ask if I wanted to come up and see my mother before they went. I think this was some kind of a ‘test’.
Well, yes, I did want to see my mother, but have been putting it off because of the atmosphere after the argument a few days ago. So I thought I would go and see her. If only to prove that I am not going to be intimidated by a bully. Or intimidated by the walking on eggshells, or the atmosphere.
When I got there (they only live a short distance away) you would think the argument had never taken place. Sis smiled and joined in the conversation and I sat with my mother while she packed for the holiday. I am used to this happening. One day I am labelled as the devil incarnate (usually because I won’t be bullied by my sister), the next day, I can be just a piece of furniture, something just there to be used, another day I might be called upon to help out in some way with my mother’s care. I am aware that my sister actually doesn’t love me very much, if at all, and I have known that for a very long time. She was and still is very jealous of me. She could never put aside her natural child jealousy for a sibling when she grew up.
You would never have known we had had words, and that we had just spent two days not even speaking. I think she has taken this as a sign that I have given in to her manipulation of the situation. I have done exactly that for years, just for the sake of peace.
I sat with my mother for an hour… she was very anxious as she didn’t want to go away on holiday (it’s early spring here and very cold). However the holiday has had to be right now because the builders are knocking through into the main house and joining the extension to the former kitchen. The noise from this building work is too much for my mother and that also makes her very tearful and anxious. Even though I used to dislike my mother, I felt so sorry for her. She is so defenceless against my sister’s machinations. Her home is not her home any more, it’s my sisters.
Dear Anita,
I’m so sorry that you are walking along a similar path to me. (((hugs))) It’s one of the hardest paths to walk along, and progress through.
You are right about the parent/child relationship here. And it’s the same with my sister. I love them both, and it is an unconditional love, something I was born with. You can’t just turn it on and off like a tap (faucet?) when you feel like it, can you? At the moment, the love I feel for both my mother and my sister is tinged with a sense of overwhelming pity, particularly for my mother.
As my sister appears to be able to do exactly that, I think that she does have, towards me, ‘conditional love’. Or no love at all. My mother is too confused now to be able to be ‘conditional’ about love, but was exactly the same as my sister until her dementia got worse. Now she is just confused.
Their conditional love has always depended on whether I am there to do their bidding, put them first, and agree with everything they say. My sister has always been this way. My mother is no longer this way. My mother would be though, if she hadn’t developed dementia.
Because I have dared to question my sister over my mother’s finances and her control over them, I am not being spoken to at the moment. I have not seen my mother for over a week now. I knew this would happen. I have been deliberating over having this conversation for quite a while. Because I knew what the outcome was going to be.
Late last week, I politely enquired as to what her and her husband were contributing to the bills now they had moved in officially with my mother (sister moved in unofficially 6 months ago). Sis hates being answerable to me, but it is my duty because of the LPA laws that I am aware of the financial situation. I explained this to her. (The authorities take a very hard line with anyone abusing a vulnerable adult’s finances and welfare here in the UK). She said she was well aware of the rules and that I should go and see a solicitor if I thought differently. She also said it was ‘none of my business’ what her income was, but as her income is coming from my mothers savings, I had to point out that, actually, it is my business, which enraged her still further. She knows she is taking advantage, of that I am sure. If I fail in my duty as per LPA rules, I am as guilty as she is, by association. And somewhere down the line there is going to be a reckoning.
Hi Anita…
Interesting development, your former friend leaving the man. You did predict it. Are you in contact with him now… or with her, if you’d like to share. I don’t have to know…
I’d be glad to share it with you. The first I knew about my former friend discarding the man I was tentatively courting was when the man (I’ll call him A.) sent me a text message, after 2.5 years of silence, to say that he had been abandoned. Yes I thought this would happen. In fact I had a dream about how it would turn out, if you would be interested to know about that.
My former friend (B) had done this in two previous relationships and left without a word of explanation. None at all.
However, she had bumped into her previous ex bf and left A. four days later. Her previous ex phoned and asked me if I had heard from B, as she had told him that A. was mistreating her, that he was cruel, all kinds of lies. I told her ex. these were the same lies she had told A. about him. He asked if I was still in touch, whether I would get in touch, he was worried about her. I told him it was all lies. I told him I had no intention of ever getting in touch with her again. I had known A. for over 12 months when she decided she was going to have him, although I had only been courting him in a tentative sort of a way, and had not committed to a relationship as I wasn’t sure he was ready for one. He had always been a really kind and generous man.
A. wouldn’t have even known she was actually leaving him for good the day she walked out of the door. Except he had stopped her on the way out and asked where she was going. As she wouldn’t take the car or let him drive her, but insisted on taking a taxi, he knew that she wasn’t going to come back, and when he asked her exactly that, she admitted that she wasn’t going to come back. He had kept her from the day she had moved into his house 2.5 years ago until a few weeks ago when she just ….walked. Telling the same old tales of cruelty and hardship.
I told A. what her ex had said about him on the phone and he was shocked. But, I said, you believed it of her ex. Even though I told you that her ex wasn’t the person she had made him out to be.
All I can assume is that B. has gone back to her ex, as he is willing to have her back at any price, and that includes keeping her housed, clothed and fed, and obeying her every command without question.
I told A. this over several emails, as he couldn’t believe that she would do such a thing to him. I feel very sorry for A. He is so hurt and betrayed by her discard. He looked after his second wife for five years as she slowly died from Motor Neurone Disease. B. knew all about that, because I had told her when I was courting him. It didn’t make any difference when she decided to discard him. She used him for what she could get and left without a backward glance.
I don’t know how people can do that to someone else.
We have been exchanging emails as I wanted to help him through it a bit, even though he also discarded me when he took up with B. She had insisted on no contact with me, probably because I would have told him the truth and she couldn’t risk that. Although I owed A nothing, I just tried to help him understand that there are people like that in the world….
Anita, I just realised I didn’t answer your question…
You are thinking that your sister has been planning to take over your parents’ house and money, taking it all for herself, not sharing any with you, meaning, there will be no inheritance for you?
I know this will happen, if my sister is allowed to get away with it. She was trying to get me to sign a legal statement to the effect that the house would be hers when my mother died. I got legal advice, and that was (also told to my sister at the same time) that you couldn’t decide on any future inheritance until it was actually yours. And that any agreement, legal or otherwise would not stand up in any court of law. My parents made a will stating that everything, including possessions and the house, should be sold and the contents divided equally between us, and that will still stands. Both parents had seen their own siblings arguing over who got what in their own families, and swore that this wouldn’t happen in our family.
Sister didn’t like what the solicitor said one little bit.
After a few days of sulking, I think she decided that if she couldn’t have the house, then she would spend all of my mother’s money instead. Which is actually illegal. Although I suspect that she will try to railroad me, when we do actually come into our inheritance, to give up any rights to the house as well. She has a grandiose sense of her own entitlement.
I would rather tell her where to shove the lot of it! I have money of my own, I live quietly and don’t want for much. I’m not well off, but I manage. My sister is the exact opposite, she wants everything, and money has always meant everything to her. That’s why I suspect her motives in looking after my mother. The building work which Mum is paying for is actually making my mother quite ill, as the new kitchen is being built onto the side of the house, and the building work is noisy. My mother didn’t want a new kitchen or an extension. She was threatened by my sister that the alternative was that she would have to go into a home, something my mother has a horror of.
She thought of trying to get my mother to change the will, by adding a codicil… of course, as my mother is not ‘in sound mind’ now, so no solicitor (lawyer) would actually sanction this course of action.
However, as it is both my fathers’ and mothers’ wishes that any inheritance should be shared equally, I’m on the right side of the law in this matter.
I think once my sister has the house the way she wants it, and has spent all of our mother’s savings, then she will put my mother into a home anyway, as she will no longer be of any use to my sister. I hope that’s not going to be the case, but sadly, knowing my sister like I do, I do think this will happen. I am of the opinion that my mother would be far better off in a home, as she needs specialist care from a team of people, and would also have company of others her own age. At the moment, my mother could afford the best suite in the best care home, but this won’t be the case when my sister discards her, if that’s what is going to happen.
Hi B,
Keep it up now. You know you are doing the right thing by going no contact. I know it’s hard, very hard, I’ve been through something similar myself. Once you realise you have your own life back, and you get to choose how you live your life now, that you are the one in control now, things will get a lot easier.
It’s easy to say, but so very hard to do. You have to respect yourself, and you know in your own heart that this is the right way of doing that.
Best wishes for a brighter future, and this time a future you decide for yourself, not one that has been imposed on you by someone else. x
PS. That incident you mentioned above. Well, go girl! You certainly showed him what you thought of him. Don’t think that somehow you are to blame. He made the choice to try and use you to his advantage, while you were in a dark place. You were manipulated.
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