During my last session, my psychiatrist said I was mourning not only the death of my unborn child but also my own. He was surprised that I could hold so much pain and sorrow for so long time. I’ve been mourning my “death” since my father left my mother and rejected me and my brothers. The loss of my unborn child triggered my downfall, and since I just have been “running” away from everything, I just broke down as everything eventually caught up to me.

Acceptance is the first step, and forgiveness the next. There is no quick fix, so I would try everything to heal myself.

How do I deal with all the nightmares, flashbacks, and anxiety attacks in the mornings? And how do I stop being stuck in my past?

TeaK,

You are right, and you pointed out the issues with my inner child from the beginning. I’m working with myself daily, as I don’t have more than 20min computer-time a day. Sadly, and my own fault, I’m not functioning well. Due to my liver, I have jaundice and have lost a lot of weight. But, I’m still fighting daily with my brain. Some days, when medicated, I just go numb. When not medicated, my brain goes on overdrive.

I have been introduced to sensorimotor psychotherapy and somatic therapy(as you suggested earlier). The psychiatrist has recommended a step-by-step approach, as I have a tendency to slip every other day and still have to learn how to get comfortable with negative feelings and emotions. I will be happy even if I can heal 5%, as this situation is unbearable.

I’m back at my mother’s house. I’m emotionally drained, lonely and are crying all the time. I’m trying immensely to find a reason to live. At the psych ward, we worked intensely to figure out my anxiety and depression triggers. My therapists claim that my urge of getting kids, the desire, the deep longing stems from my vulnerable inner child. The main reason I long for having kids is to protect them, save them and give them the love and caring I never had. The feeling of not being able to fulfil this urge is the main trigger for my major depression. I’m grieving my childlessness, my inability to heal myself, to be “normal” and to be a loving and caring “family man”. I know this doesn’t make sense, and sounds empty-headed, but I’ve been grieving for my “loss” for decades and the wound will never heal. The older I get, the more painful are the longings. I’m scared of living, scared of the passage of time. I’m fading and my memories are fading. The distance between myself and my “good old days” and positive memories are increasing with every year that goes by. The more time passes, the more self-hate, regrets and anger I feel.  I’ve been “dead” for a really long time, and no medication, no treatment is working. I tried ACT, CBT and DBT, but none of them is working.

Today, I cried uncontrollably for 4hours. I miss my mother. I’m all alone, I feel useless and unwanted.

I’m anxious about everything and are full of fear. I can’t see any future for myself, the pain of just existing without any reason or meaning or any passion is unbearable. I just wish I could just close my eyes and disappear!! I wish I never existed, never lived, never were born. I can’t remember the last time I was happy, or smiled or had a peaceful moment. I’m empty, completely empty inside. I don’t know how to cope with this!

Thank you,

I’m working on my self-confidence and my inner child by positive affirmations.

But the mornings, when I wake up and when everything is still. When I can only feel my heartbeat and breath, are the worst. My mind is going on overdrive, and negative thoughts and feelings are at worst. It’s unbearable and killing me. I don’t know how to cope with these intense feelings. I hyperventilate, I get super depressed and I’m on the edge of a breakdown. I feel like I’m dying!! My psychiatrist claims it’s due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, but why do they think medications will solve everything?! If there is a magic pill that can cure and heal my brain, why haven’t they given it to me earlier? I’m going crazy, I don’t know what to do. I just don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to die alone. The loneliness and emptiness are killing me.

I’m sorry that I’m spewing so much negativity. I just feel lost.

Thank you, Sarah,

Your words and kindness mean so much to me. I’m lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for everything.

I will try to journal and connect to God. For a long time, I lost my faith and belief in God. Maybe I need to find a reason, a meaning behind all this pain!

Thank you, Sarah and TeaK,

Word can’t express my gratitude! This forum is the only thing I have. My mother couldn’t see my pain, she wanted to help me, to heal me, but my brothers didn’t want her to endure any more unnecessary pain. As I thought I couldn’t hurt my mother more, I managed to take away her peace and simultaneously scarred her for life. Your prayers have saved me, but unfortunately, my stupid decision has consequences. Due to the OD, my liver is damaged and is not functioning well. In addition, I got severe sepsis. Just like my brain, my whole body is now poisoned.

I just want you to keep praying for me and please keep helping people that need you and that can be saved and healed.

As I have hit the lowest possible point in life, and every breath is painful, I’m just waiting for my body to give up on me. I have no plans for any second attempts, as it was too dreadful and the toxicity withdrawals from the opioids numbed my central nervous systems temporarily. The doctors said I was very lucky, since the number of opioids I took, was four times the dosage it takes to permanently put me in a vegetative state. My biggest fear is to be stuck in a vegetative state.

Now, I’m off all SSRI medications, and melatonin(for sleep) and B12, hence, time stands still. My body aches and I have a burning sensation in my head constantly, giving me continuously brain fog.

The worst thing is that I have scarred and hurt my dearest and nearest. My nieces, that I love like my own daughters, and my mother and brothers are terrified and very concerned for my well being. I don’t want to hurt them anymore. Please pray for them!