Evening Sammy, sorry you had a difficult weekend but glad you had some you time to yourself today. I was in the same boat and declined an invitation to sit outside the pub, far too cold and not really feeling it at the moment. Yesterday was OK just wanted to get out of the house to be honest but all in all happy I had a chilled weekend and squeezed in a workout as well. So it’s a 110 mile trip to work each day but I get picked up and dropped off, normally have a sleep on the way there lol.

Thank you for kind words, I will keep going, I feel like I’ve got my sensible head on now and will bide my time, I caught a glimpse of her name on my messenger when scrolling through and see she changed her profile pic but I’ve stood strong and not reinstalled fb to look so I’m definitely becoming more resistant to wanting to know what’s going on in her life.

When that moment does happen when I meet someone who is on the same wavelength ill be sure to tell you all about it! Thank you for the positive messages, they keep me believing.

Hey Sammy, hope you feel better from yesterday and are having a good weekend! Mine hasn’t actually been so bad, yesterday I didn’t feel great and only stayed at my friends for a short while as I felt anxious and wanted to have a quiet night in online with my friends, didn’t sleep well either, think its a combination of my thoughts and sleep pattern, I hate waking up at 6am when I don’t have work!

Today I have felt a lot better, I chilled in the day and have been to see friends in the evening and not felt really down, I’ve been able to laugh and joke with them and I’ve avoided drinking alcohol and also I’ve not let myself constantly obsess what she may or may not be doing, I think this is a combination of the medication possibly and I’m still going strong on the SM blackout so that has definitely helped, could also be I’m finally starting to accept she’s gone for good subconsciously and my mind could be adjusting to moving forward after how long its been now, hopefully this carries on and will be less curious as to what’s going on in her life.

I’ve started to make notes of how I feel in my phone now with dates, it’s a bit late but I do have this thread to go back on also if I need to give myself a boost and see the progress I’m making.

Who I was prior to meeting her was a very lost person, I had no direction or ambition to change my life, I had pretty much given up on doing anything apart from working a dead end job which I hated just so I had money to pay what I needed to live and then just get wasted at the weekends, I never even to buy any new clothes unless I had to, I literally had no pride in myself and really was just floating through life. This is a big reason why even though its been painful to be on and off for the last year and half I would never regret it because it has awoken me to really look at my life and change my perspective on what I want for the rest of it. I was really unhappy prior to that night I met her in the pub and we hit off and she made me feel the best I had in years for the first couple of months, this is obviously why I have become so attached and desperate to cling on no matter how toxic it has become, she may have used me when it was convenient for her but to be honest it’s has been my gain to endure all of it to learn lessons and be a catalyst for better things, I’ll be sure to thank her for that if we cross paths in the future lol.

Overall though weekend has not been nearly as bad as I feared, I’m starting to feel positivity more often now and I’m determined to use the way I feel to push me to do the things I want to do in the pursuit of my personal happiness.

Thank you for checking in, I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend!

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jay.

For the first week it’s advised not to drink alcohol as it delays the effects, if I’m honest I said to myself I’m not really enjoying participating in that at the moment so I’ve decided to take a break from it until I feel want to rather than doing it for the sake of it, I’m not even going to go to the pub next week when they open the gardens! I will be OK my friends online play over the weekend so I can chill with them, that’s my safe haven for now and a place I’m comfortable at the moment, I’m going to be down whatever I do so I might as well do it in the comfort of my own home. I just don’t feel like I’ve got energy to do anything, I might force myself in the home gym we have, even if it’s for 20 minutes just to get some endorphins released.

I’m well aware she will not be given me any thought, especially if she’s in the fresh phase of dating someone else. I was hoping because I’ve got rid of SM I’m not reminded of her image and it will help fade it out but today the thoughts seem stronger, I’ll peservere of course and when I feel better and start socialising and doing activities again it will get easier. I’ll be sure to try out that technique to see if helps!

Most of my friends are great and understanding but as this been affecting me for a long time, I don’t like to be around them at the moment because I’m not my self and don’t like bringing the atmosphere down with my mood.

I know this will pass and I’ll stay strong, I’ve done everything I can this week to improve my situation so just have ride out the storm.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jay.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jay.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jay.

Thanks Danny mate, your spot on, I know its no longer my problem and I need to focus on myself, I have no doubt she will follow the same cycle and I do tell myself she will struggle to find someone to treat her the way I did. Seeing the picture was painful but a wake up call to see this and in sense speeding up the moving on process, thanks for recognition on the steps I’ve been taking, I am actually proud of myself after shelving the idea for a long time.

I would preferably like to go to Thailand with a friend but I’m open to going on my own, think it would do the world of good to meet new people and experience some independence and have my own adventure so we will see towards the end of the year what the situation is and makes plans from there.

She doesn’t have much of career just a regular retail job, I will say though she does work when she can and is not shy on that front, i know she was envious of my mum though as she is a kept house wife who doesn’t need to work and runs the home, it was just a personal insecurity as I was in a dead end job with no ambition to do better when we first met and since then I have changed attitude and now I have a well paid job that I enjoy.

I did consider all the points you made about the family side of things, it would have been a massive challenge to make that work but I was prepared to do that if we could have been happy together, now I’m in the mindset of all the opportunities I will have without having to commit to that which is why once I get over this I will be grateful it happened.

Good luck with the wedding planning and hope it comes to a conclusion sooner rather later! Cotswolds sounds great, will always remind me of This Country!

Hi Sammy, just a quick post to say the call went well, it was an assessment and they are referring me for CBT, not sure how long it will be but I definitely felt better for it so feeling positive about finally getting out of this hole at some point!

It was about 2 months in, she had come back from a holiday with her children and she just felt long term it wasn’t going to go anywhere even though she enjoyed my company, anyway I tried to reason for a couple of days and then just left it, about a week later she wanted to meet up and ended up staying with me for a few nights because her kids were away, I knew really I was being used because she had nothing else going on but I was craving her company then, few days after that she felt she hadn’t given it a chance and wanted to carry on dating so of course I went along with it, I knew all the time in my gut it was doomed but I just really liked her around me so I settled for this as shameful as it is, I think it was a combination of both desperation and liking her, I never thought she was the one because I knew early on the balance was off and I was far more into her than me, from my point of view though this was the first person I had felt that way about in a long time, in hindsight I would of loved to have gone this isn’t worth my energy so let’s just leave it, still I have learnt lessons and I’ve improved my life massively whilst this has gone on.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jay.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jay.

I definitely suffer from mild OCD, have never been diagnosed because its never been a problem but it has manifested in dealing with this on/off relationship into something unhealthy, something I will mention when I speak to the Councillor tomorrow as ideally I wouldn’t want this to reciprocate in any future relationships.

The SM obsession has been a big issue for me, it became an addiction even when we was seeing each other due to my insecurity of what was going on between us and it has just snowballed, it’s been 5 days now and that has been the longest period for 18 months I wouldn’t of checked, I’ve identified how important it is maitain avoiding it because it will keep stirring the image fresh in my mind.

The medication will probably take a couple of weeks to have a positive effect so I think today its just the positivity of taking an action to improve the situation, I spent so long going around in circles in my mind and not getting anywhere and it has been torrid time, I feel a sense of relief that things will should start to improve.

Thank you for those kind, encouraging words, roll on getting to the light at the end of the tunnel!

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jay.

Hi Sammy, please don’t apologise, I’ve was looking before you even said anything and even before the hook up in January, I’m limited to what I can see but intelligent enough to work stuff out, anyway I’ve well and truly burned my fingers doing it because of how’s if made me feel but I would rather know because curiosity would eat away at me, I know it hinders the whole healing process when your seeing up to date pictures and even the name in text which is why I haven’t been getting any better but I feel I’ve learnt my lesson now.

I did feel anxious about contacting my gp but after the weekend I felt I really didn’t have a choice in the matter so we will see how that goes, I do feel a bit of weight off my shoulders for doing it because it is positive and my mum and sister are really pleased as they think it will help me find light at the end of the tunnel. All I want to do now is drop this attachment and move on, the last 18 months if I’m honest has been very detrimental to my well being but also taught me a lot.

I really do hope at some point I can find someone who can return the love and support I can provide and experience a whole different relationship, your words give me the belief I will find it.

The trim look is a combination of both I guess lol, I am eating everyday although not as much as I used to but the job I do now I’m averaging 12k steps in walking so that is helping me and thank you I know I’m doing well considering the circumstances, I just want to keep building and eventually get the place where I want to be.