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Jen

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
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  • #333917
    Jen
    Participant

    @Tartaruga, Thanks! I think is helpful when I hear from other people struggling with something similar. Thanks!


    @Anita
    , I did actually re-read my previous post. Our relationship has evolved so much that it’s just in a different place right now. At the time, his depression wasn’t letting him commit, now I understand a lot of that. Now that we are in a committed relationship I have realized his depression always finds the way in, if it’s not one thing is the next one and the next one. I have heard from people that sometimes depression is the third person in the relationship, sometimes that’s how it feels and at least now, we talk openly about it and we both acknowledge this exists. I think that what I am dealing right now is the same but different, because I do want to help, but I want to help doing the right thing, and this can get so frustrating that sometimes I get exhausted and I just want to know how to be here for me, for him and for our relationship. After reading my previous post I realized the depression was there as well, just that I wasn’t that aware of it as I am now.


    @Simona
    Adina Thank you!  I want to thank you for your story and for opening up. As I read what you wrote, is almost like listening to my bf talk to me, so I know that he is not alone in what he experiences. You are right, sometimes he doesn’t understand why I am with him and he keeps asking me, I just tell him that he is the most wonderful person I know, because is true. He is usually very thankful, but sometimes he goes back at saying “you deserve better than this”

    I know I cannot understand what he is going through and sometimes we talk about that, I can’t help to sometimes feel frustrated and say things like ” but look how well are you doing” or “everything will be alright”, I have a hard time sitting there just listening to his pain and not being able to do anything, it breaks my heart. I have tho, lately, since I read about about helping a loved one with depression, I sit there and just listen and tell him is okay and that I am there for him and that he can tell me anything and listen without judgement. I call it our “judgment free space” and he feels more encouraged to speak. But sometimes I feel that not being understood frustrates him as well. He has even wondered if he should date someone who comes also from a broken family (only when he is depressed). He journals and of course is his private thing so I don’t know what he writes about, but he tells me it helps him. Thanks for all your advise, since he has been in therapy and reading books he usually keeps himself busy and goes to the gym and plays his music. all of that makes him feel better, but the internal dialogue stays the same, I wish he could learn how to be more kind with himself. The depression has been here for around 20 years already and he feels like is not getting any better. However,  I have known him for 3 years and for the last year and a half I have since a huge improvement in his life. Thanks again, I am going to continue listening to him and being present.

     

    #199545
    Jen
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita

    This sounds so much like him. I am sad that no matter how many times I said it, he never really believed he is an amazing and beautiful person. I know he cares for me and this is why he still contacts me, he won’t rest until he knows I am okay.

    as part of my healing, I forgave him and forgave myself for the mistakes we made. I know this decision was good for him, maybe it will be good for me in the future, right now it doesn’t feel that way, but I am trying my best to overcome the pain.

     

    thanks!

    #199431
    Jen
    Participant

    Thank you, Mark

    I am healing and opening space for the light to come

    #199393
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

     

    I just felt the need to update on this.

    We broke up last week.

    We gave it a chance and we both reached our short-term commitments. But he screwed up and that broke my trust and when I gave him the emotional responsibility of helping me re-build that trust, he felt he did not want to be emotionally responsible for me at all. That gave me a light, that I can’t have a relationship with someone like that. I wonder if I shouldn’t have put that responsibility on him, but I couldn’t figure out how to trust him again all on my own and I saw myself walking a very dark path all alone, I did not want that at all. So I was strong and talked with him about it, he said that I was right, that he didn’t want to be emotionally responsible for me, that he was always going to disappoint me and that he only had pain to offer. All his words really broke me, I eventually asked him what he wanted it to do then, (because for a while I felt like he wanted me to break things so that he didn’t feel guilty), he said he wanted to be alone I said okay and that was it.

    I felt like asking for another chance, but couldn’t do it. I also felt like we still have so much to learn together, but is not going to work if only I work on this. It has been devastating and I am unsure of how to navigate this as right now. I feel frustrated, rejected, sad, angry… all the bad things I don’t want for me. He hasn’t made it any easier, he keeps contacting me, I guess to not feel guilty, I am not replying, he only wants to make sure I am okay and all I said is that I will be but that it will take time for me to heal. I feel like he wants to have me on hold in case he changes his mind. In this time, he has been doing all the things I asked for before, he communicates, tells me about his life, his work, his stuff. I don’t know why, but I am letting things flow and trying to accept them with love as they come. I can’t tell him to stop talking to me, I can’t tell him to leave me alone. I don’t feel capable of doing this. I am just very confused on what to do and while I deal with my pain and try to heal, I wonder if I am ever going to be okay, if this pain will ever go away.

    Any words of encouragement are well appreciated.

    ps: I am trying to feel excited for what the future holds for me.  I know that walking out of this was good for me. It was just not the right moment probably, it caught me in a bad time and everything feels like too much.

     

    Thank you

     

    #189307
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for the advice. It resonates with everything I am thinking now. I was taught to believe in love and that love can conquer everything. Right now, I am redirecting that love to myself, knowing that my love for myself can conquer everything. I am going to give us the chance to navigate the short term commitments we agreed on and see if he can start helping himself. If this doesn’t go in a way that makes me feel calm and in peace, I am going to let go of the relationship. I just wish I could find a way to keep him in my life.

     

     

    Hi Mark,

    Thank you. He usually sticks to his word. But my insecurities are making me think that this is not going to work. So far, he has communicated with me as usual and we have plans to meet soon. I also promised that I was going to communicate more with him, which I have been doing. But anyways, what I have been reflecting on a lot, is that if he really needs me out of the picture so he can work on himself I will let him and I know that better versions of both of us will come out of this, that we will learn. It is hard to let go and since we haven’t really broken up, I am still giving this a chance. While I do this, I am cultivating my strength and grounding myself so that I can be prepared. It’s hard. But I appreciate every advice and I will definitely tell you what happens.

     

     

    Thanks for the support.

    #188919
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Thanks!

    Yes I did asked to him how we could have a friendship. I also receive a lot of support from him and I value my friendships a lot. But we decided we can try to have a more serious relationship before giving up on that. We made short-term commitments. Here is the thing, when I sit down with him to talk and try to negotiate what can be the best for us, I never get resistance from him. The only time that happened it was when he was in the middle of a depressive episode and kept saying that he hated himself and wanted to be alone. I couldn’t walk away, it didn’t feel right for me.

    He does want what you say, it would be ideal for him. But I want more “us”, so we are trying to find a middle ground. So yes, we sat down, talked, had ideas and it seemed like we both wanted to work on it. I am just afraid that this goes downhill and that in order for me to be safe,  I feel like I need to be prepared for anything. hence, I am trying to have very clear what I want for myself so that I don’t accommodate to what he wants. Right now, he is traveling for work. So I am taking this time to have this post, reflect and be sure of what I want. I am also regaining energy and figuring out my own needs. Hopefully, when we meet again and if it is necessary I can feel more strong to let him go if that’s what he wants, being sure that it will be the best for both him and I.

    Thanks for your advice, is important to me to have a man’s perspective.

     

    #188905
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    That definitely resonates. For the ayahuasca ceremony, he stopped taking Zoloft a couple of weeks prior and then paused after for about a month after. When I think about it, this time was crucial for us to form the bond we still have. I think right after the ceremony my feelings started to grow. He was definitely different, without the medicine. But when the depression hit again he went back to it and I supported him because his health was more important to me. Later we both talked on how the medicine affects him and he is very aware that the medicine makes him feel numb in terms of emotions and he feels apathetic to everything. Which is why his idea is to go to a therapist and combine it with the medicine. He wants to stop taking it in the future, which is why he is trying to become more spiritual and to gain perspective on his condition. But I have seen both sides of him, with and without the medicine and even with the withdrawal symptoms,  it was very difficult.

    When we talked about the fighting and making up he understood that it was not healthy and that I was not going to engage in that. He thought I was holding back anger, but I assured him that was not true. I am just simply not resentful and he has never done anything that hurt me. I did communicate being bothered one time that he canceled a date, he never did it again, or one time that he didn’t return a call, he never did it again. For what I understand, he is more used to having fights than having a peaceful time.

    I agree that they may be irrational both, but he feels that one is and the other is not.

    The thing is he is very confused and I was very clear, now I feel confused. At times I feel that I should leave him alone so he can deal with all his stuff and find his happiness. But at the same time, I love him deeply and I wonder if leaving him alone is going to do him any good. Right now I am focusing on myself, waiting for him to reach out, giving him the space he wants and going slow. Having this post is really what is making me think about our relationship.

    Thank you for sharing your experience with zoloft. I really never thought that it could be affecting his feelings before, until we talked about it a few weeks ago.

    #188883
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Do you think that if I walk away from our relationship we could still have each other in our lives? I wonder if that’s possible. But then again, it takes a long time for me to move on from romantic relationships and I know that I won’t start dating again anytime soon. But I just see him as someone that I want in my life always. I struggle with this idea a lot.

    thanks!

    #188759
    Jen
    Participant

    Anita,

    I will share further. He thought that us not fighting was because I was hiding some kind of anger towards him. Apparently, he had been doing small things to upset me but I am very absent-minded and I never get angry, I explained that to him. Then he told me that he was used to fight a lot on his past relationships. I made very clear that I don’t think that’s healthy for a relationship and that I believe in conflicts as temples of growth. I am concerned, however, that he likes that angst, of fighting and then making up. But everything something upset me I was clear about it. I just didn’t bother with small things. I also promised that I was going to communicate if in the future something would bother me instead of solving the issue alone (which I did a few times).

    His decision-making process is for example 1. “I hate myself because I suffer from depression, so I think I should be alone to solve this on my own and stay away from family, friends and you” Which he thinks is very rational and 2. “When I was younger I always wanted to be with my gf at the time, every second of the day, even tho with fought a lot, since I don’t feel that with you I don’t think I am in love with you” which he thinks is irrational…

    And yes,  I feel like I give the ideas, he doesn’t. I asked him for ideas of his own last time, he gave me a few, one was that he was going to get a list of therapists and ask recommendations from a doctor he knows and that he wanted me to go slow and to give him space. No idea about us.

    His plan is to see a therapist. He says he loves me, but that he feels like he is not in love because he doesn’t feel like spending every minute of the day with me. However, he feels in peace when he is with me and feels happy. The commitment issues he said, come from divorced parents (bad divorce), bad relationships in the past with lots of fighting and unfit partners.

     

    Thanks!

    #188721
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Yes, a couple of months ago when I had that conversation with him, I was really thinking being his girlfriend would make me feel more safe and confident about my place. I believe that commitment comes more from the heart, and I don’t think his heart is committed. Something I haven’t mentioned is that he takes zoloft for depression. Sometimes he says that he feels like his heart is disconnected from his body, that even tho everything is telling him that he should be crazy in love with me, that there is something that does not let him. I recommended him to see a therapist as part of deal of working on our relationship. I also said that he needed to tell his therapist about his commitment issues, which he agreed and is working on it right now.

    My doubt is if I should leave him alone while he struggles with this, or if I should keep being with him. and Yes, by being with him I mean sharing both my heart and my mind. Or if I should leave him alone and move on.

    I do have a lot of emotional friendships but he doesn’t. Maybe that’s something I could give him advice on.

    thanks!

    #188711
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Cate,

    I appreciate your advice so much. I used to be afraid of commitment as well, but when I fell in love with him I thought I would commit to him. That makes me think that you will commit to the person that feels right, which is why I think he doesn’t feel that way for me. I know what you are saying and this is why I am here, trying to gain perspective. I want the best for myself and to be happy, even if that means to let him go. I am just trying to figure out if there is something I can hold on to, some kind of hope, but from what I am reading, is not about hope.

    The people around me keep suggesting me that I should give us another chance, that I shouldn’t give up yet, which is why I feel confused.

     

    Thanks!

    #188403
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Jen,

    Have you ever seen a hampster just going around and around on a wheel, trying to get somewhere, but just spinning a wheel? That is what is happening if you stay. You will just keep spinning..getting more and more frustrated. After a year, he should be calling you his girlfriend if he is ready for any kind of relationship. He has hinted many times, he is not. Take his word for it. He is not ready. You deserve someone who is. x

     

    Thank you, Eliana

    You are right. Which is why I am very afraid if trying will lead me somewhere. We have made some short-term commitments like he said he will see a therapist and I promised I will allow things to go slow. I see someone that wants to work on himself, but I wonder if I am in a committed partner role while he isn’t. Right now I miss him and I am scared of saying it, thinking it my just push him away.

    #188399
    Jen
    Participant

    Jen,

    I don’t believe in fighting to keep a relationship.  I believe in mutual commitment in working together and on ourselves.

    He made where he is at clear.  It is up to you on whether or not you are willing to tolerate such a non-relationship on his terms.

    I believe you two still can love each other without being boyfriend-girlfriend.

    I think most of us get caught up that romantic love is the be all and end all of what love is.

    You don’t have that as an option with him.

    Mark

     

    Hi Mark,

    I believe in this as well. I am actually happy to read it the way you put it. When I propose this “work together” he agrees and this is what we are trying right now. What worries me about the nonrelationship is to not have the chance to be fully committed to do this work. I feel like I am doubtful if I should work so hard with him if we aren’t committed. Because this commitment is also a state of mind. But now that I know that he is scared of this, I am wondering what to do.

    I also believe we can love each other without being girlfriend and boyfriend and I have thought of many ways this could work. I talked about it with him, about being friends only or creating another kind of commitment, like just working together on each other and on us as a “we”. I know that I love his soul so much. But I am still very attracted to him and it would be hard for me to be just his friend.

    I appreciate your words!

    thanks

    #188393
    Jen
    Participant

    “Dear Jen:

    You asked: “Should I keep fighting?”- I wonder what you mean by “fighting”. Does fighting mean staying and waiting, staying and asking him once in a while if he is ready to commit? Does it mean fighting your impatience or growing despair at his indecisiveness…?

    If you mean fighting as in staying and waiting, I would say: no, don’t just stay and wait but get to know him better. Get to know his motivations: the love and the fear. Learn more about his fear. It is better to increase and deepen the communication with him, your learning of who he is and how he operates, than it is to wait for him to solve by himself, whatever problem you think he has, or whatever problem he has which he vaguely expressed.

    Get to know the details, the specifics of his fear.

    anita”

     

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for answering. What I meant was to keep fighting for our relationship. I think I struggle a lot with the idea of asking for commitment and following social standards. What I want the most is the commitment of both of us working together on our relationship. I communicated this to him. I told him recently that all I want us for both of us to support each other in becoming the best version of ourselves. He said he wanted the same. But sometimes I feel that he agrees with me more than he takes his own decisions. His decisions are usually very rational or very irrational, but nothing in between. Last time we talked, I tried to figure out more about his fears and also mentioned my own. I feel that I can work on that and that I can be patient and learn slowly how we can help each other. But I feel that if I did not have this idea, of “let’s communicate and work together to help with our fears” he wouldn’t make any decision or give an idea. His idea is that I need to let him go. Which is why I feel like I need to fight for this. I am going to keep trying to slowly figure out his problems and his fears, but am I becoming his fixer by doing this? am I becoming his therapist?

     

    Thanks, I appreciate it

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Jen.
    #143623
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Have you heard of try and keep trying until you make it? I am also very socially awkward and have a lot of trouble talking with guys I like. But with time things got better, time and practice. You don’t have to socialize with the girls you like or find attractive only. Try to talk with everyone, try to talk with strangers. My counselor advised me this a few months ago and I started by simply smiling to people when I was outside. That changes things, people comes to you and some others just smile and keep going. I started having conversations with strangers, just simple things as complimenting something they were wearing. Sometimes there was a conversation following, sometimes there wasn’t and practice made me realize that is not that hard to talk with strangers.

    I don’t think you have autism, if I am correct, autism is diagnosed at an early age when is more noticeable. Try to step out of your comfort zone and maybe talk with some new people, then you may become better at interacting with the girls that you like. I would also recommend to connecting with your inner-self, try some meditations.

     

    good luck,

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)