Should I keep fighting?

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January 22, 2018 at 7:33 pm #188217

Jen
Participant

Hello,

I come here trying to find an opinion from people that do not know me. My friends and family have been advising me, but I can’t see enough distance from their perspective. I appreciate any advice.

I met the man I love a bit longer than a year ago. When we started dating we both decided we both did not want to have a serious relationship. We had fun and enjoyed each other’s company and both kept our lives busy and exciting. Months after we met, we went together to an ayahuasca ceremony. This experience created a very strong bond between us, of trust and vulnerability, we saw each other cry, we told each other things nobody else knows and we became a team trying to figure out how to improve ourselves. After the ceremony, while feeling very emotional, I told him that if I ever developed strong feelings for him I was going to leave. He said that I shouldn’t be afraid of falling in love and that there was nothing wrong with that.

With time we both became best friends and kept being lovers. But a few months after the ceremony I felt my feelings were changing. I had trusted him things that nobody knew and he had responded so well, almost perfectly. I felt like I had found a unique connection with him and eventually told him I was not going to control my feelings anymore. He told me I should never control my feelings and that I was free to do what I wanted. Months passed and one day, from the heart, I told him I loved him and asked him if he was okay with that, if he wanted my love. He said yes, he looked extremely happy. The following months, his treatment towards me changed, I became his “untitled” girlfriend, we shared more time together and became closer. Eventually, I asked him about our future and asked for commitment, which he said he had been only seeing me ever since the ceremony, that e felt he was not interested in anyone else, that he didn’t want that. I said that I was feeling alone, especially because I had the strong feelings and that at that point I felt that he should know if he wanted to move to something more serious. He asked for time but told me that everything was going to be alright.

Weeks later, he said he had commitment issues and that he was worried that we never fought, that he didn’t feel like spending every minute of the day with me and that he loved me, but that he thought of that love as an appreciative love, that he did not feel in love. He said he did not want to lose me, but that he needed time to figure out why his resistance. I gave him time, in which nothing changed, he said that he just wished we could stay the way we are, but then later he said that he wanted to keep trying to work for us. However, he asked me for space and to go slow. At this point, I don’t know what going slow means, he doesn’t know either, I am giving him space, but I want to reach out. I feel insecure, but I love him a lot and I can see in his eyes that he loves me back, he is just terrified (which he accepted). I am wondering now if I should stay, if I should keep fighting, but I also don’t want to be in the wrong place or begging for a commitment that is not coming. Obviously there is much more under the picture. I have never loved anyone as I have love him and he has all the things in a man that I always looked for. He treats me with respect and care and is always there for me when I need him. But he won’t commit. Not even to calling me his girlfriend.

Should I keep fighting?

thanks!

JJ

January 23, 2018 at 10:55 am #188293

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jen:

You asked: “Should I keep fighting?”- I wonder what you mean by “fighting”. Does fighting mean staying and waiting, staying and asking him once in a while if he is ready to commit? Does it mean fighting your impatience or growing despair at his indecisiveness…?

If you mean fighting as in staying and waiting, I would say: no, don’t just stay and wait but get to know him better. Get to know his motivations: the love and the fear. Learn more about his fear. It is better to increase and deepen the communication with him, your learning of who he is and how he operates, than it is to wait for him to solve by himself, whatever problem you think he has, or whatever problem he has which he vaguely expressed.

Get to know the details, the specifics of his fear.

anita

January 23, 2018 at 11:15 am #188307

Mark
Participant

Jen,

I don’t believe in fighting to keep a relationship. I believe in mutual commitment in working together and on ourselves.

He made where he is at clear. It is up to you on whether or not you are willing to tolerate such a non-relationship on his terms.

I believe you two still can love each other without being boyfriend-girlfriend.

I think most of us get caught up that romantic love is the be all and end all of what love is.

You don’t have that as an option with him.

Mark

January 23, 2018 at 12:34 pm #188339

Eliana
Participant

Hi Jen,

Have you ever seen a hampster just going around and around on a wheel, trying to get somewhere, but just spinning a wheel? That is what is happening if you stay. You will just keep spinning..getting more and more frustrated. After a year, he should be calling you his girlfriend if he is ready for any kind of relationship. He has hinted many times, he is not. Take his word for it. He is not ready. You deserve someone who is. x

January 23, 2018 at 4:04 pm #188381

Eliana
Participant

Hi Jen,

I hope you will keep posting and let us know what happens with this guy, and if you need additional support. Stay strong. x

January 23, 2018 at 5:17 pm #188393
Jen
Participant
“Dear Jen:

You asked: “Should I keep fighting?”- I wonder what you mean by “fighting”. Does fighting mean staying and waiting, staying and asking him once in a while if he is ready to commit? Does it mean fighting your impatience or growing despair at his indecisiveness…?

If you mean fighting as in staying and waiting, I would say: no, don’t just stay and wait but get to know him better. Get to know his motivations: the love and the fear. Learn more about his fear. It is better to increase and deepen the communication with him, your learning of who he is and how he operates, than it is to wait for him to solve by himself, whatever problem you think he has, or whatever problem he has which he vaguely expressed.

Get to know the details, the specifics of his fear.

anita”

Hi Anita,

Thanks for answering. What I meant was to keep fighting for our relationship. I think I struggle a lot with the idea of asking for commitment and following social standards. What I want the most is the commitment of both of us working together on our relationship. I communicated this to him. I told him recently that all I want us for both of us to support each other in becoming the best version of ourselves. He said he wanted the same. But sometimes I feel that he agrees with me more than he takes his own decisions. His decisions are usually very rational or very irrational, but nothing in between. Last time we talked, I tried to figure out more about his fears and also mentioned my own. I feel that I can work on that and that I can be patient and learn slowly how we can help each other. But I feel that if I did not have this idea, of “let’s communicate and work together to help with our fears” he wouldn’t make any decision or give an idea. His idea is that I need to let him go. Which is why I feel like I need to fight for this. I am going to keep trying to slowly figure out his problems and his fears, but am I becoming his fixer by doing this? am I becoming his therapist?

Thanks, I appreciate it
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Jen.
January 23, 2018 at 5:27 pm #188399

Jen
Participant

Jen,

I don’t believe in fighting to keep a relationship. I believe in mutual commitment in working together and on ourselves.

He made where he is at clear. It is up to you on whether or not you are willing to tolerate such a non-relationship on his terms.

I believe you two still can love each other without being boyfriend-girlfriend.

I think most of us get caught up that romantic love is the be all and end all of what love is.

You don’t have that as an option with him.

Mark

Hi Mark,

I believe in this as well. I am actually happy to read it the way you put it. When I propose this “work together” he agrees and this is what we are trying right now. What worries me about the nonrelationship is to not have the chance to be fully committed to do this work. I feel like I am doubtful if I should work so hard with him if we aren’t committed. Because this commitment is also a state of mind. But now that I know that he is scared of this, I am wondering what to do.

I also believe we can love each other without being girlfriend and boyfriend and I have thought of many ways this could work. I talked about it with him, about being friends only or creating another kind of commitment, like just working together on each other and on us as a “we”. I know that I love his soul so much. But I am still very attracted to him and it would be hard for me to be just his friend.

I appreciate your words!

thanks

January 23, 2018 at 5:33 pm #188403

Jen
Participant

Hi Jen,

Have you ever seen a hampster just going around and around on a wheel, trying to get somewhere, but just spinning a wheel? That is what is happening if you stay. You will just keep spinning..getting more and more frustrated. After a year, he should be calling you his girlfriend if he is ready for any kind of relationship. He has hinted many times, he is not. Take his word for it. He is not ready. You deserve someone who is. x

Thank you, Eliana

You are right. Which is why I am very afraid if trying will lead me somewhere. We have made some short-term commitments like he said he will see a therapist and I promised I will allow things to go slow. I see someone that wants to work on himself, but I wonder if I am in a committed partner role while he isn’t. Right now I miss him and I am scared of saying it, thinking it my just push him away.

January 23, 2018 at 6:25 pm #188407

Cate
Participant

I resonate very strongly with this story and your emotions. I know this is hard to hear and if you are anything like me you won’t take this advice but my advice is to leave. He is NOT ready. He said he wasn’t and deep down if you let your inner voice lead you know this. I waited for over a year for a man I loved deeply and was on and off lovers with to commit to me. Over and over again he left me heartbroken and alone in the name of “not being ready for a relationship.” When he finally committed to me it was with trepidation and this pattern continued throughout the 2 years of us dating. I was always ready for more and although he matured a lot during our time together he never got to the place of understanding and being able to be in a healthy serious relationship. He always had to have an out of some sort and it left me feeling alone and crazy for always “wanting too much.” Sometimes someone needs to grow without you. If you start off a relationship on such different pages its just going to get more difficult. Also, don’t put yourself aside for someone who won’t do the same for you. You shouldn’t have to sit back and wait on pins and needles thinking that if you tell this man you miss him it will scare him away. I remember that feeling so acutely, anxiously wondering if my meager expression of care and emotion had “ruined things.” If things are that fragile already they aren’t worth it. I know this is difficult advice to hear but I wish I had taken it years ago when my friends tried to offer it to me. Its hard to extricate yourself when you’ve formed such an amazing emotional and spiritual connection but you have to take care of yourself. You already sound anxious and as though you’re watching everything you say and do for him and potentially compromising what you want in a partnership to accommodate him.

January 23, 2018 at 9:36 pm #188441

Mark
Participant

Jen,

It seems the way you talk about him is that you are still hanging on to be his girlfriend. Does being “friends” mean all the emotional and physical intimacy without the sex?

I see his fear of commitment, i.e. true intimacy is something that cannot change overnight or just saying that he will change by himself. Such issues usually are deep seated ones that take years of therapy and work on themselves.

I suggest in order to enhance your world of intimacy is to develop emotional friendships with others, men and women.

Make sense?

Best,

Mark

January 24, 2018 at 3:57 am #188505

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jen:

There are a few things I didn’t understand. If you would like to share further, please do:

In your original post you wrote that he expressed to you that “he was worried that we never fought”- meaning he considers fighting a needed part of a loving, committed relationship? He … wants fights?

In your post to me you wrote: “His decisions are usually very rational or very irrational, but nothing in between”. Can you give an example of a very rational decision he has made, and one of a very irrational one?

What I did understand is that you presented to him the concept of working together to help each other and that he responded well but does not initiate any such work. You feel that you are the only initiator, the fixer or therapist of the two of you.

Back to what he told you (original post), he told you that he doesn’t feel in love with you, that he has commitment issues, a resistance he called it, and that he needs to figure out this resistance. Did he say how he was going to figure it out; did he share anything about that resistance?

anita

January 24, 2018 at 11:25 am #188711

Jen
Participant

Hi Cate,

I appreciate your advice so much. I used to be afraid of commitment as well, but when I fell in love with him I thought I would commit to him. That makes me think that you will commit to the person that feels right, which is why I think he doesn’t feel that way for me. I know what you are saying and this is why I am here, trying to gain perspective. I want the best for myself and to be happy, even if that means to let him go. I am just trying to figure out if there is something I can hold on to, some kind of hope, but from what I am reading, is not about hope.

The people around me keep suggesting me that I should give us another chance, that I shouldn’t give up yet, which is why I feel confused.

Thanks!

January 24, 2018 at 11:33 am #188721

Jen
Participant

Hi Mark,

Yes, a couple of months ago when I had that conversation with him, I was really thinking being his girlfriend would make me feel more safe and confident about my place. I believe that commitment comes more from the heart, and I don’t think his heart is committed. Something I haven’t mentioned is that he takes zoloft for depression. Sometimes he says that he feels like his heart is disconnected from his body, that even tho everything is telling him that he should be crazy in love with me, that there is something that does not let him. I recommended him to see a therapist as part of deal of working on our relationship. I also said that he needed to tell his therapist about his commitment issues, which he agreed and is working on it right now.

My doubt is if I should leave him alone while he struggles with this, or if I should keep being with him. and Yes, by being with him I mean sharing both my heart and my mind. Or if I should leave him alone and move on.

I do have a lot of emotional friendships but he doesn’t. Maybe that’s something I could give him advice on.

thanks!

January 24, 2018 at 11:41 am #188727

Mark
Participant

Hi Jen,

In my experience, I am not allowing a true romantic relationship into my life if I am hanging onto someone else. If you want to be with him then I suspect you won’t have the emotional space and attention for someone who is willing to commit romantically.

I have seen when people truly walk away from their relationship then that allows both parties to grow.

Mark

January 24, 2018 at 1:55 pm #188759

Jen
Participant

Anita,

I will share further. He thought that us not fighting was because I was hiding some kind of anger towards him. Apparently, he had been doing small things to upset me but I am very absent-minded and I never get angry, I explained that to him. Then he told me that he was used to fight a lot on his past relationships. I made very clear that I don’t think that’s healthy for a relationship and that I believe in conflicts as temples of growth. I am concerned, however, that he likes that angst, of fighting and then making up. But everything something upset me I was clear about it. I just didn’t bother with small things. I also promised that I was going to communicate if in the future something would bother me instead of solving the issue alone (which I did a few times).

His decision-making process is for example 1. “I hate myself because I suffer from depression, so I think I should be alone to solve this on my own and stay away from family, friends and you” Which he thinks is very rational and 2. “When I was younger I always wanted to be with my gf at the time, every second of the day, even tho with fought a lot, since I don’t feel that with you I don’t think I am in love with you” which he thinks is irrational…

And yes, I feel like I give the ideas, he doesn’t. I asked him for ideas of his own last time, he gave me a few, one was that he was going to get a list of therapists and ask recommendations from a doctor he knows and that he wanted me to go slow and to give him space. No idea about us.

His plan is to see a therapist. He says he loves me, but that he feels like he is not in love because he doesn’t feel like spending every minute of the day with me. However, he feels in peace when he is with me and feels happy. The commitment issues he said, come from divorced parents (bad divorce), bad relationships in the past with lots of fighting and unfit partners.

Thanks!
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