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It makes a lot of sense reading all this back that I’ve been critisized and bullied, not just by other people but by myself as much. I’ve been very insensitive and mean towards myself, so trying being nice and compassionate with myself would definitely be a better aproach. Like being my own parent so to speak. I don’t really have anyone I can turn to in the moment nor do I have the money for a therapist. But you have given me a lot that I can work with to help myself feel better. Learning to be my number one supporter, and setting boundarys is necesary and not something that means that I’m selfish. I wanna thank you for listening I feel a lot of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
My mothers mother died when she was just 17 and her father was emotional abusive to her. So I’ve never had a rrelationship with him. My grandfather i really liked but he died when I was 15. we (me my sister and my mom) eventually cut ties with my grandmother and only my dad would visit her. That lasted for like 6 months or so, and then my dad came home one day chocked about her behaviour and he cut ties with her as well.
I was in therapy when I was around 23 I think, after having a breakdown from stress at the age of 20 after my aprentenship had ended. We talked about my childhood and everything concret to work with apart from try meditation. I needed help figuring out what i was doing wrong, like you were emotionally abandoned, this is how your reacting and this is what will help you healing those wounds. It felt good talking about it, having someone to listen to me, but there weren’t any guidlines as to how to deal with it. I guess that’s why I’ve always felt as there’s a puzzle piece missing, I didn’t know I was emotional abandoned and so I couldn’t heal it.
I can’t remember if they forced me before the meeting, but they have been adding pressure. Every person I’ve ever told about my anxiety thinks to just have to force yourself and you will be fine. But it’s not just the psysical symptons and the feeling of panic in your mind and body, it’s the fact that you have to do it in a room where some people would criticize and belittle me. That doesn’t make you less anxious but more, and it makes it even harder the next time you are in a social situstion. I guess it’s the way I’m interpreting it. I feel weak whenever I ‘m saying no (which is rare) and people make it all about being a little uncomfortable, and that I’m running away from it. Instead of listening to me, i’m only saying no when I’m completely exhausted from being anxious and facing my fears every day, I need a break once in a while.
Like attending a social gathering with one side of my family, everytime I get extremely anxious but I know that when I get there I know I’m gonna have a lot of fun. No one there is gonna criticize me. With my other side of the family I need a lot more energy to get through the day. Energy I don’t have and that’s when I say no to going.
Sorry if it’s a bit messy, I’m terribly sleep deprived at the moment.
The child psychiatrist thought my anxiety stems from a lack of control, so forcing me to do things and thus removing me being in control would only make it worse. I’ve been forcing my self to do things that terrifies me, and I have done so since i was a child. But i have to be the one in control. So attending school being bullied and beaten was bad enough, it was like having one never ending anxiety attack, but you can’t remove yourself from the situation. But doing presentations was like my worst nightmare, still is, I asked to not do them because that would have been too much for me, I wasn’t ready for a challenge that big. But my teachers said that i shouldn’t be weak, and if your afraid of something you just gotta do it, and if you refuse we are gonna make you do it. That’s why I ended up cutting in my wrist. This was a a time where my sister had it the worst, screaming from pain for hours a day asking to die, being devalued and compared to my cousins by my grandmother and losing all my friends. So doing a presentation in an unsafe environment was too much and I snaped.
Yes, with the verbal abuse I’ve was told to ignore it and think about something else. In the end I stopped talking about it and would sit in my room alone and cry. Both my parents has had trauma growing up, and they have never taking care of those wounds. I guess the pretending it doesn’t happen makes it go away, is easier in a way. With being punched, bullied by my peers in school (and bullied by two teachers) They asked me if I wanted to go to another school. I refuse cause I couldn’t deal with thought of being the new kid in clase. They also took me to a child psyciatrist and he told them they were not to force me dealing with my anxiety. Which they didn’t. I school the teachers would force me, I went home and cut my rist trying to regain some sense of conrol.
1) Probably more a friend than close friend then. She knows all about my insecurities and has never told me that I was weak or stupid because of it.
2) Sorry, I can see I’m bad at explaning. She knows about anxiety, but doesn’t understand anxiety disorders. Being anxious about an actual anxious situation (loss of job = losing your home) But not anxiety regarding everyday things. Like having anxiety attacks for taking the bus ( I’ve taken the bus for years) or going to do grocery shopping, or attending my friends baby’s baptism. These events aren’t going to hurt you in any way, they aren’t dangerous, so why is my mind and body reacting so strongly about it.
Like I’ve always been afraid of sitting in the front of the bus, because when you have to alight the bus you are able to make eye contact with people, and what if I trip and fall. Heading for the exit when sitting in the back, you don’t get to see them looking at you. Never has I trip in a bus or anything like that, but non the less I am still anxious about taking the bus.
Yes, she is doing well thank you.
She has had fights with other people and paranoid tendencies about other people, but never with me. Not directly at least. Back when she told me that she had been told I went behind her back, she mentioned everything that I’ve done wrong i our friendsship. Things like a was a bit stressed one day, i told her no (only after she kept saying I’m a push over, and saying no is not dangerous) and that I was unable to make a decision about something a while ago. All things I find pretty small, and not really huge mistake. We’ve only met up once every 6 months or so, and then we usually watch a movie or eat at a caf’e and such. I’ts always been very laid back. That’s why this is such a huge chock to me, because our time spend together has been very relaxed.
My mother is a people pleaser like myself. She’s sacrificed everythink my sister and me. But emotionally I have been on my own so to say. I’ve never been able to talk about my feelings and fears without getting a just be positive and don’t think about it. Dealing with my sisters illness, work, house chores and a mother in law calling her a bad mother, there wasn’t any energy left. So I had to learn to deal with my anxiety, feelings, bullies on my own. Trying to self soothe and pep talk my self. My parents don’t understan anxiety, like why are you anxious there’s nothing to be anxious about. Making me feel really weak because I can’t just snap out of it.
Hi Anita, hope you are well.
No we attended another school, one without bulliyng. The friend who believe the lies about me also suffer from mental health problems due to childhood trauma (she’s diagnosed with BPD)
They aren’t the ones who were pregnant and buying houses. Thoses were family members and though I am very happy one their behave, It really painful to have them always reminding me that I don’t have these things, and that I am running out of time. It like your value as a person is all about what you have, and since I don’t have these things all they tell me is what I am doing to get these things. This has gone on for years. I really hard when your biggest drem is to create your own family, and seeing people having it all figured out. Only to having your value decreased contantly, because you aren’t a real adult. They know something is wrong with me since I’m the only who never had a boyfriend with me to family events, but they don’t know what exactly.
Thank you for listening and for opening up about yourself. I’m feeling better getting this off my chest and I’m starting be get more energy back.
Yes, I know it’s a very difficult case, so many unfortunat things have happened. We had five years to seek compensation but that was changed to four without us knowing. We get a discount for her to receive other types of treatment, that she need. The biggest issue is her being in a pain all the time. Extreme headaches and her vision is affected by it. So noises and light causes a lot of pain.
Yes, thats correct. I deal with social anxiety and I have trust issues, I not saying all men are players but I never trust that someone could be interessted in a relationship with me. And I’m bad a going out and meeting people.
No, not me, doctors. Several specialist in the field. They doctors who were trying to treat my sister didn’t follow procedure. They suspected encephalisis at the beginning but never moved forward on that. Then they tried several different types of medicin, which the specialist said is what they do in a case like that. But if the patient dosen’t improve within 6 months you have to stop using it, in her case they opt the dosage. They went through a list of the different types of medical malpractise that happened, and weren’t able to tell us why they didn’t follow the procedure for the symptoms she had. They also told us that they had never seen a case quite like this. People who suffer from encephalisis for a long time without treatment are gonna become braindamaged. Because the inflammation damages the brain tissue. I depends on where the inflammation is located and how long its there.
But it is. Her leaning to one side and having one leg shorter than the other was noticable to outside family and the doctors . But than isn’t bad enough for a person to receive the operation. It was the way her spin was twisted (not visible to the human eye only by x-ray) and that she needed 4 disc removed that they performed the surgery. Same goes for myself, I too have scoliosis and I have seen myself in the mirror many times but never noticed anything until my fysiotherapist told me where to look.
Medical malpractise. We never got a diagnosis. We suspected encephalisis and so did they, but because she had a virus as well they started suspecting something else. They suspected brain cancer and when we found out that that wasn’t the case, my parents were devastated. No diagnosis no treatment. Just more medicin that made her feel even worse, but they just kept giving her a higher dosage. Which nearly killed her a couple of times. It’s a long list of things of things going terrible wrong. On the other and we had a lot of luck. She survived only because one doctor realised that she had scoliosis. She had it really bad and everyone of our friends and family were alble to notice it. We didn’t realise it before someone told us.
Also our goverment kept making cuts in the healthcare system, increasing the stress of the doctors and nurses. I think we were just unlucky.
No. This is a country that’s quite wealthy. That’s why many told us to be grateful, because it is a lot worse in so many countries. We are known for having a great healthcare system, so people always asume that they would get the help they need. But the system is falling apart, and people only realise it when they try it on their own body. I think that is a contributing factor as to why so many people here suffer in silence. It is also the reason why I didn’t talk out loud about my problems until I was in my early twenties. Because if I have it bad what about them.
Reading it back like this, really makes an impact. My grandmother had a personally disorder and were taken it out on my family more than my dad’s siblings and there children. Which was hard giving the fact of our situation (she thought my sisters desease was a lie) choosing favorite grandchildren (we weren’t good enough) and we the were the only ones cut from the will. The emotional blackmail came from her.
The psysical and mental abuse started in school when I was 12 to 15 years old. A group of boys were violent (one girl became hearing impaired in one ear) and two of the teachers bullied me. Called me stupid in front of the class, when my anxiety was at a high. They knew about my situation. I had a year on a different school where the girls all choose me to bully, the boys had some episodes of violens. One of them had their wrist slashed right in front of me. I had the first depression at this time, which I dealt with on my own.Then I had two years in a good school, and they gave me space to deal with my anxiety and I was top of my class.
I than had a two year apprentenship with a boss who tics of every box of being a psychopat. I pushed myself so hard that I had a break down from stress, causing damage on my memory. This was the day before my final exam. I received the second highest grade, my boss was furious.
7 years then past with me dealing with stress and anxiety and trying to find work. Only had temp jobs nothing permanent. Then my sister had her concusion i that was a year and a half of peptalking and supporting her for hours every single day, whilst trying to deal with my own stuff.
But one of the hardest things is that I’ve never had a boyfriend. Something always happened, they moved away, got fired from work, droped out of school, ending things before they even started. Also never had a group of friends. I’ve been somewhat of a paria, being friendly with everyone but never had a group of my own. I only have two friends left, but they have a lot to deal with in their own life right now. Same goes for my collegues in London, I don’t hear from people anymore they are also in a stressful situation.