Hi Katie,

There are a couple of things going on here – you must have been very excited at the prospect of meeting your cousin whom you were close to once.  Unfortunately, your excitement quickly turned to disappointment when he made a play for your other cousin.  It was very rude of him not to acknowledge you and engage in conversation with you when he had invited you.  The years have passed since you were close (age 15) and you have both changed/grown since that time.  He has changed in ways that you do not like and he has disrespected you.

Your female cousin is also disrespectful towards you.  She has no right to criticize the way you look.  If she needs to talk to your ex who has abused you then she needs more than a nose job – she needs her head examined.  It sounds to me as if she has something to prove to herself through her flirtations.

In my opinion, you don’t need to concern yourself with them both wanting your cousin – look back on your post and ask yourself “why would you want them”.  Don’t let this bother you.  This has nothing whatsoever to do with your looks.  Take my word for this.

If it is possible, I would suggest that you don’t have so much to do with this particular cousin.  Beauty means different things to different people – if it’s true that she is laughing at you behind your back then she can’t be a very nice person.  That is UGLY!  Flip your thinking on its head – they were attracted to you FIRST.

You are making the wrong connection when you say things like “I am not beautiful enough for my exes”.  They are not kind enough, loving enough, sensitive enough, respectful enough, mature enough etc. etc. etc. to be with you.  You are worth so much more.

You need to talk to someone who can help you build your self esteem/confidence/self worth.  This is the value you place upon yourself.  This is about recognizing all the good characteristics that you possess and reminding yourself of them on a daily basis.  This is about learning to love yourself.

O.K.  Got that.

Peggy

Hi Alizee2007,

I hope you can move this forward.  Is he close enough location wise to link up for a coffee/lunch when you are having one of your friendship chats.  Can you perhaps drop into the conversation that you have some free time the following Saturday/Sunday or whenever and you would like some company?

Look forward to hearing your thoughts on all of the above.

Peggy

Dear Alizee2007,

I don’t know if I can add anything more to what I have already said.  You have a very full life but you don’t have a love interest.  You didn’t want a love interest so you filled your life with projects etc.  You have some good friends and this man is now one of them.  It’s natural to want to be part of a loving relationship.  How long are you prepared to wait for this person to make a move?  Slip a note into his pocket saying that if he wants to talk more here is how he can contact you.  You’ve been churning this over in your mind for two years yet you haven’t even acted upon “I’ve just met my future husband”.  Have you ever expressed “I feel as if I’ve known you forever.”  I wish I was there at one of your meetings – I’d give you a great big push into his arms.

Plan A:  You want a loving relationship and you want it to be with him.  Action taken:  None

Obstacles:  You don’t want to spoil your friendship/working relationship.  You don’t want to appear pushy or desperate.  You haven’t found the right opportunity to invite him out.  He’s higher up on the career ladder than you.  He may not be single.  He may not be romantically interested in you.  You may not have the skills necessary to approach him in a certain way.  You feel powerless and “out of control”.  You are outside your comfort zone.  You are not communicating effectively.

Plan B:  There isn’t one.

Obstacles:  You are not prepared to put yourself into the dating market for fear of wasting energy on a potential partner who may be able to offer you the love that you are now seeking.  You are accepting that you are lonely but you are not actually prepared to do very much about it.  You’ve put all your eggs into one basket.  It’s a long time since you’ve been in a relationship.

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take” – Lewis Carroll

Peggy

Hi Alizee2007,

I understand what you are saying perfectly but maybe you do need to learn to open up to people a bit more.  Relationships can be important and meaningful in different ways.  Why are you so ready to write everyone else off before you have even met them?  I’ve met a couple of very special men in my life who’ve given me the space to be myself, a certain emotional freedom, even though they weren’t people that I wanted to commit to long term.  I will always be grateful to them and think very fondly of them for the long term benefits that they brought to me.

It seems to me that you are putting obstacles in the way which don’t need to be there.  What are you guarding and why?  Your vulnerability, your emotions, fear of rejection?  I am very concerned that you seem to think that this one person will be able to fulfill your every need.  Life rarely works like that.  We all need balance in our lives which generally includes several healthy relationships – a circle of friends, family, hobbies and pursuits.

This person has arrived in your life for a reason and, for now, he has inadvertently released something in you.  Perhaps you are being “asked” to face your relationship fears, release what you no longer need and, dare I say, go out and have some fun.  Perhaps it is time that you stopped taking yourself quite so seriously, let go of your inhibitions, meet new people, go on dates and let go of some of your pre-conceived notions that aren’t serving you very well.

Be brave, reclaim your power, smash through all those barriers you keep erecting.  Stop obsessing and start living.

Best Wishes

Peggy

Hi Alizee2007,

You’ve met a man who you have strong gut feelings for yet you are unable to approach him because………….maybe you just want to leave him in fantasy land.  The reason this is depressing you is because you are not expressing you.  

He likes nature, countryside, etc.  Do you?  Offer to pack a picnic.  Make a joke of it if you have to.  You have left this to flow naturally for two years.  I don’t think that particular strategy is working.  Let your colleagues know that you are in the market for a relationship – people talk.  Perhaps it has reached his ears that you are not interested in men.

“You can’t be with him because of external circumstances”.  These are the barriers you have been putting up.  Perhaps he has the same barriers.  Perhaps he thinks you are only interested in him professionally.  How are you going to break those barriers down?

Ask yourself two questions:  What is the worst that will happen if you state your interest?  What is the worst that will happen if you don’t?

I absolutely believe you when you say what your feelings are towards this man you’ve met professionally.  They are your feelings and they are valid.  You can feel as if you have known someone forever even when you’ve just met.  Why rationalize it.  There are two hemispheres to our brain – rational comes from the left, emotional comes from the right (gut instinct).  Trust it!

Aside from that, write a personal profile and go on to a dating website.  State what you are looking for in a man.  Go out with a few men that you are not obsessing over.  It sounds to me as if you have been avoiding relationships for a very long time.  Perhaps you need to get some dating practice in.

Let me know what you think.

Peggy

Hi Kylee,

If the person you are with is permanently on his cellphone then he is not really with you.  His relationship with his cell phone is far more important than the one he is supposed to be having with you.   I, personally, think this behavior is extremely rude.  Always trust your gut instinct even if it means that a relationship ends.  He is not ready for a relationship with you.  After 4 months you are already his girlfriend and he is already attached to you, he just hasn’t committed to you.  He hasn’t switched off his feelings, they were just never there in the first place.

As long as he is clinging to his past relationships he isn’t free to move on with anyone.  This pattern will keep repeating itself and the majority of girlfriends he has in the future will feel exactly as you feel now.

You have only been with him for 4 months – hardly any time at all.  Let this one go, trust your instincts, have other relationships and one day you will find someone who is worthy of you.

Best Wishes

Peggy

Dear Tania,

I am glad you have come to a decision to end this relationship that has turned into an obsession.  Let me assure you that you are not a mess.  This person has been giving you the attention that you ‘crave’ from him.  He is feeding a need in you.  Rejection is always painful and I am guessing that you have both been feeling rejected, even though it initially came from him.  He hurt you and you proceeded to hurt him for seven years respectively.

I don’t think it matters how you end it but ‘thank you, it was nice while it lasted but we both know it isn’t going anywhere’ kind of text would give you both a chance to end it with dignity.  Then change your phone number, delete snapchat and become unavailable.

You have so much going for you.  I am sure your husband and your dog won’t say no to some extra attention.

Peggy