Home→Forums→Relationships→My first love tried hooking up with my cousin in front of me?
- This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 4 months ago by Peggy.
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July 28, 2019 at 6:51 am #305287KatieParticipant
I don’t even know what to say. I’m confused about what happened and I’m confused about my emotions.
Last night, I was at a party with my first love and my cousin. It was the first time I had seen my first love in years. We used to be extremely close. I viewed him as a best friend to me. I was really in love with him, but I also cared about him as a friend because we were so close. Even when we didn’t end up working out, we stayed really close friends.
Last night he invited my cousin and me to a party. I was really happy to go because I hadn’t seen him in legit years. I was so excited to catch up. We used to be BEST friends and I told him everything. However, when we got there he ONLY talked to my cousin and not me. That hurt me because he was my best friend. Then to make matters worse, he started FLIRTING with her and trying to touch her.
I am not “heartbroken” that my first love tried to hook up with my cousin. I mean, sure, it kinda sucks that my first love is willing to actively flirt with someone in front of me. Kinda stings. But mostly, I feel DISRESPECTED because this is my cousin! My cousin and I are extremely close. It is almost as if we are best friends or sisters. I feel so hurt. Not only did he seem to not care about seeing me again after 2 years, but he literally just wanted to get inside my cousin’s pants. In front of me.
I’m also hurt because my cousin didn’t seem to stop it. She even told me afterward that he finds him attractive. I think she liked the attention, honestly. And I’m not just saying that. My cousin has also been talking to my other ex-boyfriend (the one who used to emotionally and sexually abuse me for 3 years). If anything, I would expect HIM to try to hook up with my cousin. After all, he is not a good person at all. Theoretically, if we were to go to a party with this ex who abused me and he tried to hook up with my cousin, I would feel hurt and disrespected but 10x less than now. Because I was hurt and disrespected by this ex for 3 years. But my first love?? He was so good to me. He was my best friend. At times, I felt like he was the only one who understood me. Now I feel extremely confused because both of my exes are actively talking to my cousin.. and I assume they’re both extremely attracted to her.
Some backstory:
Me and this first love never dated, but we almost did. He wanted to date but I didn’t want to because I was 15 and I wanted to be single. I still really liked him and was literally obsessed with him. He was everything I liked in a guy: sweet, funny, caring, smart, etc. We had the same sense of humor. Even after we had a “relationship,” we stayed best friends. He was literally my best friend. We stopped being friends when I started to date my abusive ex. He made me lose all of my friends, including this guy. The thing that hurt me (at the time) was that this guy didn’t even try to fight for our friendship. But I brushed it off because I was the one who ended it. But now… I feel like I didn’t mean anything to me and it hurts.
Also, I have a lot of self-esteem issues. I write about it on here all the time. I feel so ugly because clearly, my beauty isn’t enough for my exes. They both want my cousin. I must be ugly. And it doesn’t help that my cousin tells me I would be pretty if I had a nose job. I feel ugly to her. I am afraid to speak about this with her because I know how she thinks. She is going to think of this as another feather in her cap. She is going to think “haha, I must be more beautiful than Katie if both of her exes want me”
I know her. I know what she is thinking. I think this is why she didn’t stop it and why she talks to my ex behind my back. I don’t know what to do.
July 28, 2019 at 9:18 am #305337PeggyParticipantHi Katie,
There are a couple of things going on here – you must have been very excited at the prospect of meeting your cousin whom you were close to once. Unfortunately, your excitement quickly turned to disappointment when he made a play for your other cousin. It was very rude of him not to acknowledge you and engage in conversation with you when he had invited you. The years have passed since you were close (age 15) and you have both changed/grown since that time. He has changed in ways that you do not like and he has disrespected you.
Your female cousin is also disrespectful towards you. She has no right to criticize the way you look. If she needs to talk to your ex who has abused you then she needs more than a nose job – she needs her head examined. It sounds to me as if she has something to prove to herself through her flirtations.
In my opinion, you don’t need to concern yourself with them both wanting your cousin – look back on your post and ask yourself “why would you want them”. Don’t let this bother you. This has nothing whatsoever to do with your looks. Take my word for this.
If it is possible, I would suggest that you don’t have so much to do with this particular cousin. Beauty means different things to different people – if it’s true that she is laughing at you behind your back then she can’t be a very nice person. That is UGLY! Flip your thinking on its head – they were attracted to you FIRST.
You are making the wrong connection when you say things like “I am not beautiful enough for my exes”. They are not kind enough, loving enough, sensitive enough, respectful enough, mature enough etc. etc. etc. to be with you. You are worth so much more.
You need to talk to someone who can help you build your self esteem/confidence/self worth. This is the value you place upon yourself. This is about recognizing all the good characteristics that you possess and reminding yourself of them on a daily basis. This is about learning to love yourself.
O.K. Got that.
Peggy
July 28, 2019 at 9:22 am #305341InkyParticipantHi Katie,
Don’t be fooled. YOU are the one that got away! Those guys can’t even get off your family tree? It’s not your cousin. It’s YOU.
If people bring it up just say “Those guys are so transparent. They try flirting with my cousin to get to me.” If they try to deny it say that’s sure what it looks like.
Best,
Inky
P.S. In the future don’t set yourself up like that. Cancel at the last moment so they won’t have an audience.
July 28, 2019 at 3:28 pm #305383KatieParticipantPeggy,
Thank you for your reply. Everything you said makes sense. Except there is one thing I am worried about. When you said, “flip your thinking on its head – they were attracted to you FIRST.” I try thinking that way, but I realized something. I believe my cousin and I have developed a subconscious competition. She has always based her “beauty” off of how many guys like her. So, I don’t think she cares if my exes liked me first. In her head, this is the first time she is meeting them and they are clearly attracted to her. So she doesn’t care if they were attracted to me first and nobody else seems to care. I feel so stupid. I feel like I honestly believed my first love and my ex-boyfriend of 3 years liked me for me. I thought they were attracted to my looks over others’ looks. I thought they liked my personality over others. Maybe that type of thinking is wrong, but it’s how I viewed them. I liked their looks and their personalities over others. I probably wouldn’t flirt with any of their cousins or friends because I have no reason to. I chose to like them, not their friends. This makes me feel like they just pretended to like me or something. And to others – it makes it seem like I’m delusional. I REALLY believed my first love and I had something special? Well, people probably think I’m crazy for thinking that because if I really had something special with him, he wouldn’t be flirting with my cousin IN FRONT OF ME. It’s just embarrassing.
July 28, 2019 at 3:34 pm #305387KatieParticipantInky,
Thank you for your reply. How do I know that’s true? I feel like it’s not. Yeah, maybe I got away. BUT if I was the one that got away, these guys would be contacting me… not my cousin! Right? I currently have a boyfriend, but I feel like that doesn’t stop anyone nowadays. I feel like they aren’t flirting with my cousin to get to me. I feel like they just never cared about me and that’s why they are willing to hurt me in this way. I feel so…. pushed aside. I feel like nobody ever cared about me. These 2 people once meant EVERYTHING to me and they are treating me like I don’t exist. Why? I feel so broken over it… I can’t even get out of bed.
July 29, 2019 at 12:30 am #305447PeggyParticipantKatie,
Firstly, your ex-boyfriend couldn’t have liked you very much if he emotionally and sexually abused you. He is in the past and that’s where he deserves to be. You liked and were close to your male cousin when you were 15 but did not want an intimate relationship with him. You were able to confide in him as a friend. ‘Abusers’ don’t like their partners to have relationships outside of themselves as it takes their power away. It gives you a support network and they don’t want that. This particular boyfriend needs therapy or at least needs to recognize that he has a problem (it’s not YOU, it’s him). You are well out of this one.
Your male cousin clearly liked you at the time. You are not in that time any more. You are in the present. You felt embarrassed at his behavior. This is HIS behavior, not yours. He has shown you a different side to himself and it is not very pleasant. It sounds as if your cousin hasn’t yet moved on from you which is why he chose to hit on your other cousin in front of you. You need to rise above their shallow behavior. Stand tall, not small.
Right now you are feeling rejected and that hurts. It may take a while for these feelings to subside. You have invested your emotions into these two cousins and now you need to withdraw them. Meantime, give yourself all the tender, loving care that you can and slowly but surely you will begin to mend.
I don’t understand your statement to Inky that “you currently have a boyfriend but that doesn’t stop anyone nowadays”. Are you saying that you don’t trust your boyfriend to be loyal to you?
Peggy
July 29, 2019 at 4:20 am #305455AnonymousInactiveHi Katie,
It sounds like the only toxic relationship is the one with your cousin.
She brings down your self-esteem, disrespects you, flirts back with not one but TWO of your exes and tells you that you need a nose job.
You may have had self-esteem issues to begin with, but she has clearly picked up on it and uses it as a weapon to make herself feel better.
I’d be willing to bet that she gave off strong signals to the exes – flirting is not one-sided and the boys most likely thought they had a chance. It works both ways, and the boys could have seen it as just attention, boosting their ego (regardless of who the girl is). It must hurt to be betrayed. But as your cousin, she should have respected your feelings and boundaries by stopping the flirting. The fact that she didn’t is a massive sign that she doesn’t respect you.
If I were you, I would stay away from this cousin for the sake of your self-esteem and mental health.
July 29, 2019 at 5:31 am #305459InkyParticipantHi Katie,
Did I miss something? The other guy was also your cousin?? OK, if so, that is a no-brainer: Let him hit on your other cousin all he wants! We have family reunions to let the young folk know “See these people? Don’t hook up with them if you see them around!”
You are very young. You will change exponentially in brains, bravery and beauty with each passing year. These guys had one SMALL golden opportunity to have you: And they blew it. THAT’S the narrative we want you to have in your mind: THEY BLEW IT!
You will only surpass them as you get older and see right through them.
Best,
Inky
- This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
July 29, 2019 at 6:46 am #305477KatieParticipantInky,
actually no the other way wasn’t my cousin haha. He was a guy from my high school. And I guess I do see that narrative now. But when my first love and my ex give my cousin all this attention…. it makes me feel like they never cared about me. Like yeah, my relationships with them are over. But I still lived in believing I had a real connection with them. And they are willing to disrespect me and push me aside… for my cousin. And having my cousin give in to those flirtations makes me feel disrespected by her too when she’s supposed to be my best friend.
July 29, 2019 at 6:52 am #305479KatieParticipantAzu,
yeah I agree with what you said. Just seeing my cousin flirting with my ex… with my own eyes… felt so hurtful. I have understood that my relationship with my cousin is toxic even before this specific incident happened. But this kinda took it over the top. My worry isn’t that my cousin and my ex had a connection (I mean yeah, it sucks but whatever I can live). My real worry is that my cousin did this BECAUSE she doesn’t care about me or my feelings. That’s where the real pain is for me. Like I have a lot of feelings towards this (hurt over my ex flirting in front of me, hurt over being dumb enough to watch my ex flirt with someone in front of me, feeling ugly, etc), but my main hurt is over my cousin. My worry is that she saw my ex flirting with her as simply an opportunity to have fun and flirt back when she KNOWS it would hurt me (how could she not).
July 29, 2019 at 7:03 am #305485KatieParticipantPeggy,
Thank you that makes sense. But also I just want to clear up that the guy isn’t my male cousin lol. I just know him from high school. It was probably hard to understand what I meant because I keep saying “cousin cousin cousin” and I probably wasn’t writing things correctly haha. But yeah, what you’re saying makes sense. You are saying that he liked me at the time, but that time is in the past. And I do understand that it is in the past, but one of the things that hurt me over this situation is that the guy just made it seem like he never liked me. I felt super delusional afterwards. I was thinking “am I delusional? I didn’t think I was… and I don’t think I am… but the only logical explanation for why my ex would flirt with my cousin is because he never liked me. But I thought he did. But I guess not if he could do this”. I just felt stupid. And embarrassed in front of everyone who knew how much I used to like him.
And yeah, maybe he was hitting on my cousin because he isn’t over me. Maybe. If that is true, I feel a little bit less stupid. Like, maybe he did like me in the past and he’s doing something so inappropriate like this to get to me. It worked. But i guess I will never know his true intentions on why he flirted with my cousin.
And when I said “having a boyfriend doesn’t stop anyone nowadays” I was trying to rationalize why he would flirt with my cousin if he wasn’t over me. I thought “maybe he flirted with my cousin because he knows he can’t have me as I have a boyfriend” but I feel like most guys don’t care if you have a boyfriend. They will still try to talk to you. I know my (current) boyfriend is loyal. Sorry if my story is confusing. There are so many details and I was just rambling when I wrote everything. So sorry for the confusion but your replies have helped me understand my emotions a lot. Thank you.
July 29, 2019 at 8:24 am #305489PeggyParticipantHi Katie,
It’s good that you are able to laugh in your post – it shows that you are already feeling better. As it had only just happened when you first posted, the thoughts were going round and round in your head which is why you probably felt confused. Things sometimes become much clearer when we start putting our thoughts down on paper.
People don’t always behave in a rational way so I don’t think you should worry too much about working this out. Neither of them should have put you in that position but they did. The best way forward is to have as little to do with either of them again.
You can choose how you want to remember your previous relationships and if you felt your first love cared about you whilst you were seeing him and talking to him, then that’s the best way to remember him. If he does form a relationship with your cousin and you are still in touch with her then wish them luck and leave them to it. Don’t share personal details – withdraw from the ‘best friend’ status.
You have a new boyfriend now and that should give you a certain amount of confidence to move forward in a positive way. Try and put some other new things in your life as well such as learning a new skill which will help to increase your self confidence and perhaps you’ll make some new friends along the way.
Take care.
Peggy
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