Hi, I’m back 🙂 It was refreshing to reread my own posts and especially yours, anita. Your very first response to me about impatience especially rings true, but somehow my mind had glossed over it in its desperation. That is a very key piece of input that I need to continue deepening my understanding of in order to grow further. This is especially true, that you said: “You might get anxious at times and need the same kind of closeness as before, not being able to tolerate or endure the natural distancing”. And taking things personally. I think I get that from my mother, who is very black and white in her behavior to others and sees everything as extremely personal affronts to her as a person. My therapist helped me identify what I now see should have been obvious in this learned behavior. I still struggle with anxiety in close relationships, but now that I am not in one it is a tough problem to solve. I am very content (yet still working on myself) in the rest of my life outside of intimate relationships, at least 🙂

Anyhow, I decided to wait until after the New Year to contact my ex. I had sent him a very short and concise “Happy holidays” card with a gift card before Christmas. He sent me one that I got a few days after Christmas that was more detailed about the bike he got me and his visit to his family. I mostly did well during the month before talking, having a few breakdowns when I discovered pictures of him and everyone having a good time on the trip I was meant to go on. This is still a very sore subject for me because I long to travel but only want to travel with him (or a future partner) and so I am working on why this is right now.

I was hoping he would contact me first and I was terrified to send him a text (like I was as a teen messaging a crush for the first time.) He took a very long time to respond and it stretched out over half a day. I asked how he was doing and when he responded I was very direct and asked if he would like to meet. I figured he was busy but the anxiety started eating at me and gave me a stomach ache. When he agreed to meet and made time in his day (he was pretty busy) to see me, I relaxed again. We met at a coffee shop.

He brought his puppy so I could see her again since I had asked to see her one last time the night we broke up (but he wouldn’t have me come over because the finality of it was too sad he said.) He looked at me very deeply and lovingly and I could tell that his feelings were still very strong, which gave me confidence. We sat and talked for two hours and it was very pleasant. I reaffirmed that I didn’t mean to pressure him by meeting but I needed to do it for myself and that I had to be selfish and get some answers. He told me I wasn’t being selfish and that he was really glad I had asked to meet, even though he was stressed at first about it. I brought up how anxious I was in the few days before I thought we had planned to talk and laughed about it (my therapist does a fantastic job of helping me find humor in the seriousness of life- it’s very uplifting for me) and he told me he had planned to talk to me in the month of January some time while I was thinking literally a month would pass before we’d talk. I still find this miscommunication pretty funny.

We caught up on what we were doing and I didn’t hide the fact that sometimes I was sad and missed out on the trips he was going on and wished I could have seen his family and new niece over the holidays, but I let my natural confidence that I rediscovered show and was excited to share how well my marathon training has been, how excited I am to be doing the things I was doing, my new hobbies, the funny experience I had over New Years. I think it was great and helped him relax that I was doing well and getting on with my life without hiding the fact that I am still affected and grieving.

He shared his stories with me too and it turns out he was very emotional when he got my card and understood why it was so short. He was anxious before his trip he organized and a party he held but was finding confidence as he learned to do them on his own (one of the things he would constantly bring up while we were together was that he was just afraid of doing things on his own and wanted to face those… even though he really was doing them alone and I hardly participated. I never understood that need of his, but tried to be.) He eagerly asked me about other things in my life, thirsty to know more.

He is very busy now with his business and has many big goals coming up that he talked about while with me but I never knew why he was so reluctant to start them. Maybe it really was just the timing and enough time has passed for it to be feasible. For example, he wanted to carry out his own race. I asked him about it on occasion to see if he had made any progress on it and would ask him why he hadn’t (not putting pressure on him, just trying to be insightful) but he just didn’t seem ready to go for it for some reason. He’s been planning a lot of activities and involvement with his customers/clients and future trips. When he started talking about the trips (some to places that we had wonderful vacations in) he would start crying. He actually had a lot of tears while we talked, while I only teared up a little when I spoke of the shame I realized I had for wanting the things I wanted and feeling wrong for it.

All in all, I feel much better for having talked to him. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I think it was because I realized he still has feelings for me. My biggest fear is that he just fell out of love from me and wanted to date someone else. I did ask about that and as he has always told me before, he is not looking for a relationship and does not want one with someone else. BUT he often uses the word “should” when talking about where he is in his life and he says he SHOULD date casually. And that while he’s not looking for anything, if something were to happen he would maybe be open to it. I still struggle, though, with how you can love someone but risk throwing it away. I sat there with him for 3 minutes in silence trying to understand it. I wasn’t upset, I would get a glimmer of understanding, and when I tried to snatch it, it disappeared. I laughed and said I just don’t get it, but I guess I’ll just have to accept it.

We hugged several times, not wanting to leave but we both had dinners to go to. He ended up kissing me and it felt so nice to feel that again and we hugged and kissed before parting. I feel blessed that I have had the time with him that I had and as I read recently somewhere else (I think it was Inky) “I’m not attached to that happening, but I am also open to that happening.” I’m trying to be there and stay there. I’m open to moving on as well. I just know it would set me back a long ways if I do happen to find him dating someone else in a few months, but maybe by then I will have found more peace within myself and know it had nothing to do with me.

We have an open line of communication now that he said he would let me set the pace on. It’s been a week and I haven’t really had a desire to reach out. My therapist recommended what I have heard referred to as a form of “letters”. Things to show that he is still in my thoughts, sharing a funny photo or short story, and wishing him well, not expecting to hear back. I think that sounds sweet and if I feel the urge to share one I may do so.

Just thought I’d share this with you all! I still have a lot of sadness, especially when I think of the trips he will be going on without me, but I know that I will find my own journey that gives me as much pleasure some day soon and maybe even someone(else) to share it with!

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by B.

I will give it some time to reflect on and keep journaling right now as I have a hard time making myself just give it all up at this moment. Thank you.

Well now I feel just downright ashamed for quoting his email instead of just paraphrasing… I didn’t think it was a big deal since it was short and sweet but I guess I understand the discomfort of having it shared, even anonymously. I’m not able to edit my original post though and didn’t want to just delete it. If anyone knows how to fix that, I’d appreciate it.

Anita, I was hoping you’d respond again since I was rereading this forum and absorbing everything you’ve been telling others. I noticed a great deal of growth within myself in the last few months in regards to confidence, independence, and less taking things my boyfriend did personally and I was much happier for it. Over Thanksgiving however, rather than feeling anxious and afraid he was pulling away, I was accepting of it initially and still showed him occasional affection and that I cared and then focused on other things, worked on my hobbies and discovered a new one. However, after a while this thought of “this is boring”, “is it always going to be like this with him?” and “why do I let him always be selfish?” started creeping in and I got more irritated than anything. And, of course, my being irritated drove him further away until we had a talk and a few hours of distance. For the two weekend days after this he was very present and appreciative of me. During the week we had a phone conversation or two that were great spiritual connections where we talked about separately feeling anxious and disconnected from others and what to do about it.

I felt supported and therefore more comfortable being independent until my negative feelings were triggered again when he came even later than he was supposed to one night. He was going to meet me at my new place for the first time for dinner (I’ve been here for almost a month) but later told me he didn’t plan on staying over or having me come over to stay at his house because of our morning schedules being different– we’ve never done that where we just met late at night and then went home separately and it made me uncomfortable that he wanted that. It restarted the conversation about how I felt the relationship was unequal and he always had reasons for not staying over at my place while I constantly have to pack my life up to stay at his. And how I get remarkably more anxious at night or once it starts getting dark and all I wanted was to cuddle up with him before bed and how could he not want me to come over even if I wake up before him? We talked again and I felt that things were fine and he said he wanted to me to come over after all, though I didn’t believe him but caved anyway because of the anxiety.

And it was two days later that he was acting cool and shut down. He thought I was unhappy that he was going out with friends that night but I was just unhappy that the few times we planned to see each other that week were short (dinner and goodbye?) and he never made plans for a date night after a whole month of me trying to get him to plan it each week and since we just end up hanging out watching tv at his house where he has roommates who join us. I also realized a lot of my anxiety in the past year might potentially be linked to the birth control I was on and I was feeling so much better once I stopped taking it (until I finally got my period again, which coincided exactly with this anxiety.)

Another thing that has me down is that we used to go on weekend trips and camp on occasion but the weathers been bad for so long and he’s has just been scheduling volunteering and other things for himself which is great, but he doesn’t consider any trips together. We were planning a trip to Mexico this month or next that I was excited about but both decided it was bad timing because of a race we were both training for. There were a lot of things I wanted to talk about and plan since he’s not much of a planner sometimes and it’s ok with me, but I saw him so infrequently these last 3+ weeks when we weren’t just tired and sometimes I’d forget so it never happened. One thing I loved the most about our relationship was our sense of adventure together and willingness to explore ourselves and our world. It makes me sad to know I won’t be going on a trip I was excited about with him and a group this next weekend. I have one day trip planned by myself to be in nature, at least.

So him being emotionally distant state was one thing– it was another when he started reducing the amount of time he wanted to see me, to where when we did spend time together it was still not my idea of quality time and was thus not fulfilling enough for me. Enough time spent in this drained state led to me finally putting my foot down, which led to each of us realizing that we couldn’t keep this cycle. I know deep down that I do not deserve to feel this way and that it goes beyond just moments of distance– it builds up until he takes action to separate for a while, and then comes back with a renewed sense of wanting to work on the relationship. He always tries very hard in the relationship, but I don’t know what is making it so hard for him when it comes so easily for me. I know it’s something to do with his divorce and damaged sense of self and independence, but I truly don’t know if I should just be patient or if I’m being a fool waiting for the unchangeable to change.

Once we talk, I am reassured that our relationship is fine and I am reminded that I just need to respect him and be patient. I’m filled with confidence, I take and give space (where I perceive it to be well balanced), can focus happily on my hobbies, friends, and career while maintaining a healthy, secure relationship with a supportive boyfriend. And then once we get into this happy state where I feel us growing closer, he pulls away and my being so sensitive recognizes it immediately. I used to pull him back immediately, but now I wait and I wait and then finally I have enough and wonder, “am I just being patient or naive?” And then I demand something change and that he stop taking me for granted. I’m too indecisive, as I fear each decision could be a huge mistake.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by B.

I would love to hear more of what you have to say on this topic, anita.

You and Christy have presented ideas I’d never seen anyone bring up before and it makes so much sense. I am no longer anxious and afraid of abandonment because there no longer is anyone to abandon me and I find a great relief in this, but now I am concerned about arming myself against these fears and vulnerabilities in my future partners and in evaluating whether or not I’m with someone who is emotionally available. It makes sense that these can only be worked on while experiencing interpersonal relationships and for most of my relationship with my boyfriend, I felt so lucky to have found someone like him because he was healing me! During the beginning of my relationship with him and the avoidant guy I dated and over-invested in for 2 months before him, I questioned what had happened to my life and to my own identity. I never felt such insecurity, anxiety, and unhappiness/disinterest in the things I used to love doing alone! I truly never want to feel that way again, but I don’t know how to work through it and whether or not it must be done while single or in a relationship. I have a therapist I’ve started seeing so hopefully in time that will help.

I had many irrational moments and fears and thoughts that my bf never failed to soothe and it gave me courage knowing that there were people out there who didn’t believe in ignoring you or shutting you out and actually wanted to stay in touch daily. Unfortunately, whether he really didn’t come to feel what he thought he should feel for me or felt like he was blocked from feeling anymore, had unresolved feelings from his marriage it doesn’t really matter. I don’t think I was in a place to try and change him and don’t believe I had to fight to make someone love me back as much as I loved them. He saw how much his pulling away from my physically (asking to see each other much less but keeping the affection and phone calls daily) was hurting me and my self esteem. And silly me, I felt I was needy and that something was wrong of me to be needing so much from him when he obviously began to prefer seeing less of me.

I’ve done my homework and this is guaranteed to happen with 90% of the stories I have read with people dating before they are done processing their divorce, but I guess I feel better knowing this is common. For whatever reason, perhaps these failed transitional relationships that went from blazing hot to cool were really just the wrong people, or the people who divorced are no longer attracted to their “transitional” after the circumstances, or tried to reconcile later on but one or both moved on to other relationships.

He contacted me two days ago asking how I was, saying that last week was the hardest he’d ever gone through, but he spent time with family and his dog and was starting to get a sense of peace. He was feeling positive and seemed to be in an “up” phase because he suggested we talk on the phone the next day to check in. I hesitantly agreed but by yesterday was fully anticipating it until later in the afternoon he wrote me an email saying he had been thinking all night and day and realized he really wasn’t ready, that he wanted to tell me how much of a struggle it’s been and how he wants to stay in touch but that it’d be too hard for both of us. He said he had “so many emotions” and needs more time and growth whether or not we do end up together in the future and that he is still struggling to feel complete as himself. That he needs to find a sense of peace and happiness before he can contribute to a relationship and that he was always second guessing things because he wasn’t sure he was ready and that in the future he wants to be confident and stable so that both in the relationship can support each other. He said “I am not saying to wait for me, because this is a time of growth for both of us and you have to do what feels right for you.” In a text later in response to my short email reply saying I understood but still felt hurt, he said he was sorry that I said I felt misled and that he wasn’t saying there was not a chance that we get back together.

I’m glad though, that at least I finally have some peace myself and can move on, knowing that that is the only path that I have available– forward. I will not wait, but it may be a nice surprise if things do work out down the road and I still have feelings for him and don’t have anyone else in my life.