Dear anita,

sorry that I get back to you and everyone so late. I can only post from the library but didn’t make it there recently.

Indeed, “I hate you” is allways meant towards me, though it should actually be “I hate me” then. Kind of like distancing myself from myself maybe?

You theory sounds very true. When I was suffering from depression I remember how I would feel the fear in my whole body, especially my arms for some reason, it was nearly painful sometimes. Yes, definitely energy without an outlet. It makes sense then, that the energy would find an outlet this way as you say. In the past years my mood has improved a lot through therapy, I also tried various sports so there was an energy-outlet there. Sometimes I have set backs, I guess with depression there is allways that risk. But it got better overall.

Did you find a way to deal better with blurting out stuff to strangers and with Tourette and OCD?

Dear anita,

thank you for your reply. Indeed, most of the time it doesn’t seem so problematic. But sometimes I slip or can’t help be overheard. I might be in my thoughts standing in front of the supermarket unlocking my bycicle when it happens, having people nearby, or just walking down the street. More than one stranger probably thought I was a lunatic. But those are strangers anyway, more troublesome was once when I was standing together with friends and it happened, I said it low voice and luckily either they didn’t hear it or pretended they didn’t. Recently I am sure my mother overheard when I thought I was all alone at home and she came back. And I just remembered when I was abroad studying and suffering from severe depression sat in my room and shouted stuff like “I hate you”, probably half the dorm heard me but I was at a point where I didn’t care anymore. There were no direct repercussions but I wonder how many people think I am crazy.

As for the job opportunity I had been in contact with a job agency, we had some calls and I was calling them back one day, talking to the answering machine. Needless to say applications are stressful, I felt my voice was wobbly when talking and once I ended the call I said “I hate you” right away. Only I hadn’t actually ended the call, only flipped the cover of the smartphone close. So that also was recorded. Never heard from them again, which I can totally understand, thing is even if that particular job wouldn’t have worked out they have connections and constantly look for entry lvl applicants, so this was a good opportunity lost.

As to your last question: I don’t articulate the sentences in my head before saying them. Saying them doesn’t shock me anymore but sometimes I am like “okay where did that come from now” especially when its a new sentence. Its automatic in that I am not aware when I start talking, but with concentration I can stop midsentence and not finish. Tone of voice depends on my stress level, maybe sad, angry, calm and when I am really angry with myself over something I might actually shout (though not lately in the past months).

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Lara.