Dear Geraldine,

Forgiving yourself for what happened when you were babysitting is difficult but important.  Might help if you can understand that you were doing the best you could do with what was available to you at the time.  In my opinion, the child was too young to remember the incident, and it sounds to me that you stopped yourself before any real damage was done.  “What type of kid does that to another?” Maybe the type of kid who had her curiosity about life ignored or shamed and had to satisfy that curiosity on her own in the only way she could think of?

Hi, Katie,

Please do not believe you are stupid.  You have quite a bit of evidence to the contrary right in this post, and I’m sure you can think of much more without trying very hard.  Is it possible to limit time with your cousin?  She sounds like a damaging influence on your self-esteem, and that is one of your most important attributes.  Emotionally speaking, you sound very wise to me.

Yours, Lee

Wow, Anita, you offer such great insights!  But 0ne thing I would worry about if I were Hannah:  what if his response is to demand why she is questioning him or act hurt and ask why she doesn’t trust him (that last always got me, and then I would turn it on myself and believe it and feel shame and give in)?  Hope I’m not making trouble by asking, as I would like your input on this for my own “toolbox.”  Thanks, Lee

Dear Hannah,

Thank you for your condolences.

First I want to say that I read your post to Anita, and what you said about the comments from your mother and sister and how they still color the way you look at yourself really resonated with me–I have the same problem (I’m still worried about my “pointy chin”).  Part of why I feel that I don’t know who I am is that my “authentic self” was so unacceptable to me that I created an “ideal persona” (to which I didn’t fit), and when I realized that it no longer served me, I couldn’t seem to find who I really was in there.  Or maybe it was the unacceptability of who I was (to family and, later, to classmates until it felt like the whole world reacted negatively to me).  Andy was the first and most consistent in accepting me, but I had things that I couldn’t open up even to him about.  Some were because of the shame I feel and some were because he was very vulnerable and couldn’t accept some things in himself–I guess maybe there are some things about all of us that we can’t face.  I’m trying now, though, to at least face these things and come to accept them in myself.

Thanks, Lee

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by LeeP.