I have learned to regulate my emotions better but I still cry sometimes. My way of dealing with crying at work is to say what I think with out directly confronting the source of my distress. I also write in code so no one knows what I am saying.

I am working with someone who I worked with before. They didn’t like me then and it seems do not like me now. I have tried to be friendly with them but they try to isolate me. They laugh all the time and speak loudly and get so many people to think they are wonderful. If I remotely say anything to make conversation they make a face like do I have to hear this? I also get eye rolls from them and someone else when I am remotely silly.

Meanwhile they are as loud as they want to be, silly as they want to be….and everyone loves them and most likely see me as just “jealous” of them. This really annoys me I do not care if someone needs to be loved by every person they serve. What bothers me is the hypocrisy and the noise and the freedom they have.

This person was finally able to drive a wedge in between me and another co worker whom I get along with. They sometimes make the work harder than it has to be and laugh at me when I make comments. No one I serve understand why I am sometimes upset.

Out in the world I can simply get up and leave a group of people I do not feel comfortable with. Work restrains me from really speaking my mind.

I am just down and concerned because I do not know how to ignore ridicule. Others are free to talk but I am not allowed to enjoy my work.

Anita,

Dear Dear, I do take a long time to respond…honestly, I did not see your post from last July. I have not been consistent on here in the last few years. Then something comes up and I am reminded of Tiny Buddha….

How am I? I have been depressed mostly from current events and my usual struggles. I do not cry as often as I used to though.

How are you Anita?

Lisa

[quote quote=441788]Hello Lisa,

I wanted to let you know that I have been reading your thread (I am on page 19 now) and my heart is with you. I wanted to ask you: Do you think that these posts (from 2017 – 2018) are stil true for you? It has been many years and a lot may have changed in your life. That’s why I don’t want to write more now, because I am not sure if your thoughts from 2017 – 2018 you posted here are still relevant to you. I wouldn’t like to bring up something from the past which could upset you because it is not true anymore.

Hope you have a nice Saturday![/quote]

Jana,

Thank you and thank you also for taking the time to read my posts. I have grown a bit emotionally since 2017-2018 with help from various sources including this wonderful forum and web site. I still feel despair and resentment but I am better or more mature in some ways. I still feel overwhelmed emotionally often. I still can not find a way out..meaning I spend everyday thinking I am a failure with some days I can handle it and some days not. I also have a lot of resentment. So to answer your question I still feel trapped but I feel a little more mature. I still have the feeling that I have to “fix” myself that I have had since I was an adolescent.

Thank you again,
Lisa

Dear Anita, Thank you for wishing me a Merry Christmas. I hope your holidays were nice.

I live in a constant state of worry.
I have never felt secure.
Why can’t anyone’s advice cure me?
I dismiss all my therapists because they can not cure me.

Talking is helping and everyone who has tried to help me over the years has contributed to my being able to get by. No one can cure me though.

I want to feel secure and I never can.

No one cares about my limitations or my security.

I wish I could have a checklist of what I need to do to cure myself.

Lisa

Edit:

Thank you Anita for the lists of things to do. I really appreciate your help.

I wish I could respond to what you said afterwards, but I can not.

I am going back and forth this week and right now I have to get ready for work and I am frozen. I don’t want to go. I feel like I am not doing anything for my life. I don’t know what to do about the insanity going on in politics. In the next ten minutes I have to get up and get ready for work and I am dreading it. I feel like everything that I felt growing up has made it’s way into mainstream politics and women and men voted for the abuser. It’s been personally traumatizing for me as well as traumatizing as someone who believes in my country….and like the great puzzle that is my life I just don’t understand.

Work will be what it always is which is no comfort. I may not be able to respond until later as I do have to go to work.

Love is patient; Love is kind; Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant.

1 Corinthians 13: 4

I hope it’s ok to post this here. It really sums up how I feel about real love and I would just be repeating what it says anyway.

I am trying to give my interpretation of how I agree with the quote and I want to but struggling with the wording right now…

Thank you for your response also on the 17th Anita. I am glad to hear that you are not “alone.”

I want to bring this topic back up because it is more appropriate for me and I was right the first time.

I have never felt more rejected as a person, put down or alone in my life than I do right now.