I guess I never think of men being in that kind of position. I have seen a lot of that in relationships and always thought they just thought so highly of them. I have seen it also where the wife, some I would never expect, catering to whatever the husband says or does. I guess they don’t want to be alone like I am.

I am hanging on to my dream stubbornly and doing a lot of suffering for it. I wouldn’t want my husband to call me the boss or speak in anyway that says he doesn’t have freedom. Having a grip on someone emotionally is not love. I want to be equal in value to my husband. I feel men think that is strange.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.

Anita yes I never felt hated by my grandfather, in fact I was told a couple of times how he seemed to treat me somewhat special.

Idon’t know what my father thought of me. I would like to believe we were kindred spirits but I feel we just share a few personality and talent traits from what I have been told of him. I was told he fought to see me when I was a baby and he was around but eventually was told by my mother’s family to stay away. My mother was still seeing him after I was born and defended him up to her the time she died even though they had not been together since I think I was little. Did she have any contact with him over the years? I don’t know. I have been told she was very much attached to him when they were seeing each other.

Idon’t know why he didn’t try to contact me well after I had grown up and on my own. I guess he moved when I was 20-21 and had a relationship with someone else and had children and maybe he let go of any relationship with me. What I don’t understand is not contacting me after I was on my own and could make up my own mind. I spent my life rejecting my mother. I was angry for a lot of things but she felt I had been brainwashed by other members of her family. I can’t really go on with any of that right now.

I know I am generalizing but when I say hate I am covering different levels of reactions from men. I guess I feel hate as a complete rejection of me. I have been turned on verbally when I wouldn’t respond to them the way they wanted. I have had men try and sometimes (when I was younger) successfully intimidate me when I stood up to them or was rebellious.

I was verbally hurt by someone I thought I was friends with when I was younger and compared to another girl as to how I was not wanted after I acted somewhat jealous of a girl he was paying attention to. It was a boy who liked me and I was friends with despite his sister bullying me and he sometimes feeling pressured to do so as well. He was different when we were alone. He did like me as a “girlfriend” when we were alone but changed.

I have had interest from men and when I didn’t respond immediately they gave up. I was hurt you know when I was younger. My views of men were focused on the romantic but I don’t think that is what they were focused on. I thought romantically about a relationship with a man and didn’t trust any man who seemed to be interested in me physically which always seemed to be the case. I wish I hadn’t but I think I made and continue to make myself unattractive because I want them to like ME and not what I was on the outside. I never got the impression I was worth pursuing because when I wouldn’t respond right away I was given up on. Like I’m here for one reason for them. Like only other women were revered and praised and thought of as special.

I still feel men put women in categories and whatever category you are in is the one you need to accept. If you try to break out of that category you will be punished.

Just to give you an example: Madonna is one of many women I admire. She was a window of possibilty for someone like me. They tried and still try to hold her down to their chosen category for her but she doesn’t let them. She not only didn’t accept where people told her she belonged but triumped over that. I don’t accept my category either but I have been damaged by people wanting to be put me in a category. Regardless we both suffer for it but Madonna has been able to make it on her own in the face of relentless cruel criticism.

I am just telling you about Madonna because she has been my strength since I was a teenager. She is important to maybe understanding my pain so that’s why I believe she’s relevant to my issues.  It’ also very important to note how people men and women who conform to their category of women who are older in order to be accepted have sensed that Madonna might now be more vunerable because she’s people getting older. They seem to be in their glory over the idea of lowering her self esteem to what they believe it should be. If you delve into her more unknown songs they will hear her pain and frustration and sometimes sarcasm as to what I would guess men decided for her a long time ago. That is what I hear when I listen to many of her songs.

I am ranting now but I am trying to work out my feelings.

I am also often annoyed at men who cater to the women in their lives. I feel as if women take on the role of mothering men as a way of control to get what they want. They demand this and that and when men cater to them I am annoyed and wonder what makes those women so special? Why do they get catered to?

Please understand I admire women and men who think “I am just as good as you” not “I am above you.” People often reward when who put themselves above everyone and tear down the ones who say I am just as good or I have something important to offer as well and I will never understand that. Women I believe more so than men are not seen as individuals.

Idon’t want to be “the boss,” ugh I hate that when I hear men refer to their wives as that. I don’t want to be the subordinate. I want men to love ME and want to pursue me without me having to put on any kind of performance.

Like I said I am ranting.

When I said my loyalty and love is rejected I meant I would give that effortlessly to someone who loved me. I am always at the ready to offer that so it’s a given I would love someone that truly loves me.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.

Do you ever feel that there is an unspoken rule for women? Bear with me, I often try to rephrase things and am vague as to not hurt the feelings of people reading out there.

I feel as if there are a few men and a lot of women who know the value of individual women. I also feel there are men and women who do not know the value of individual women.

As long as narrowmindness is embraced but what makes me sad is that I think even the few men who know intellectually the value of feminity still objectify women. They just don’t brag about it and even speak out against it.  They too put women in categories socially but intellectually speak as if we are all worthwhile.

I love women that can break through that obstacle but I never can. You think some men are enlightened and it turns out they are not.

I am devasted that my loyalty and love is rejected. My thoughts, everything. I am very upset because I am afraid my problem is that I see all too well and wish I was didn’t.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.

Thank you, I am sorry that I haven’t been able to respond to posts. I can not respond right now. I have read and I am grateful and soon I hope I will be able to respond.

I am not doing very well at this moment. I feel my only path to serenity is to accept that I am unlovable. I have always felt that. I am in a moment now where I can not accept that and the reality makes me sad.

I have seen women who brought many problems to relationships and yet someone loved them. I don’t understand why he doesn’t come along.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.

I’m sorry Anita, I am having a very difficult day and will reply soon. Thank you for what you have done.

I just wanted to let you know that I am reading. It is very interesting reading this in story form. My day is not over yet…been working and so busy. I am off on the weekend so I can respond better. Thank you so much for doing this.

Yes, I could add more stories and experiences for sure but I don’t believe there is any single event that created my life experience. Although finding out from the neighborhood kids that use to bully me about my situation with my parents was when I first felt like I had a breakdown of sorts. I felt the world was a hostile place in regards to me wanting only to hurt my self esteem. Knock it down in some way.

Thank you. I also apologize for the typos. I always submit my posts and then edit. I should take the time to read before I post but I often don’t.