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Hi MT, this sounds familiar to a situation I just recently went through. I understand your pain. Its very painful.
I was with a man for a year and a half in an absolutely wonderful relationship, right up until I brought up living together and taking the relationship to the next level…it completely unraveled….because “he wasn’t ready”. .I broke up . A few weeks later I called him (same as you) thinking I had not been supportive, I had made a mistake in breaking up with him initially instead of being understanding, how could I be so selfish… bla bla bla…scared him hurt him broken trust…bla bla bla
We went back for a month and it was HELL. I had NOT made a mistake initially breaking up with him! I had been right! Now he was withdrawn..acting different…I too was recovering from the blow so I gave it some time…but…. I could not tolerate it.
4 weeks was ALL I was able to stand before my self esteem and intuition said “GET OUT!!!! This is KILLING YOU!!”
I am the most important person in my life! This is about ME not feeling good…not about how he feels about me and validating myself with how he feels about me.
The second time i broke it off KNOWING that I would have to live with my decision (self-confidence vs. self-pity), but that I had control of my life and was responsible for my happiness (emotional maturity) and was opening up myself to the UNKNOWN (faith) ! How wonderful! (vs..the suffering I was enduring in this “uncertainty”).
Sister. This is DEAD. Let it go. This is NOT about you, or what you could’ve done different, or said, or waited, or acted this way or that way. NOPE. This is about HIM. HE has issues, HE is DAMAGED! HE is unemotionally available…DO NOT think this is about you hon! This is alllllll him.
I too went through all those feelings…(its my fault…me me me…I should’ve…etc). If only I would’ve…..Again. No.
You did NOT do anything wrong. Woman. If any man tells you he is “unsure” and “doesn’t want to work on relationship” LEAVE.
Forget that depression 6 years ago. you never go backwards in your brain…. YOU control your brain. Change your life. YOU have control. A minute at a time. Depression is all too common in our society (you are not alone) and Lots of people let life beat them down…there is no drug, no pill, nothing that will pull you out of it except…walking through new behavior and REALLY trying to pull yourself out. Believe me, been there…it can be done.
Take care of your body and do a 30 day yoga challenge. This will pull you out (stay away from pills, drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc..)
You are feeling “hurt” because you feel rejected. Let me remind you…. YOU rejected him, as you should have! Any man who has doubts about being with you…give him lots of time and space to figure it out. No amount of understanding, loving, waiting, on your part is going to make him come close to you…in fact, it will do the complete opposite (at your expense by the way).
Your EGO is not the one telling you he doesn’t deserve a hug. its your intuition and your gut (and they are right!). Saying its your ego is you again blaming yourself and looking for ways that you may be able to “fix” this.
You have no idea what suprises life has in store for you. Wake up ever morning knowing that great things are coming your way…and when you just look away for a minute one day…bang..there it is…. That’s the way life works.
My opinion? Absolutely NO CONTACT AT ALL (for at least 3 months – make it a challenge) with this unavailable guy who is basically making you doubt yourself and controlling your happiness and joy.
The opposite of Self Pity is Self Esteem. How do you go from Self Pity to Self Esteem? Trust your intuition, trust yourself, stand by your decisions (even if you self doubt its normal), know what you want (and go after it), don’t accept less than what you know is right, put yourself first, don’t be a doormat…etc…etc…etc..
Don’t forget who you are. The best is yet to come. get your self confidence and self respect back…and stop putting this guy on a pedestal…he is not those things you think he was. you will see all that during your No Contact Period – TIME is an amazing healer and teacher…
This was all practice for you. The best is yet to come.
Look. Break ups are HARD. But you will get over this! Guaranteed! Every day it will get easier even if some days you feel like you are going backwards…(you are not…).
Big “Hug” to you. It takes great courage to really look at yourself and what is not working and discarding it. Remember, you cannot “fix” this because this is not your problem…its his. You will get lots of more insight to what is really going on when you go no contact for a long period of time (3 months recommended do it!).January 10, 2014 at 10:36 am in reply to: He left me 3 years ago yet my heart is still holding on…help! #48886
Kat, you need a major undertaking. you will foget the fellow – believe me.
If you dont have your degree yet, go pursue it. Go get an education.
If you already have your degree, start looking for that new job you want so bad.
In other words, look for a BIG needle mover – that will change your life and make you better.
Forget this fool. No one dies for anyone and believe me…you will fall in love again. AND NEVER accept less than what makes you happy.
Hi Mark, Hope you dont mind I am using you as my soundboard.
I am feeling a lot better today. I will do my meditation in a bit.
I am SO greatful for so many things:
My beautiful son
My awesome job/career
Total self supporting woman and single mom!
My hobbies of writing (I am actually working on a second novel!)
My healthy lifestyle ! Dont drink dont smoke work out 6 times a week!
My believe in the Great Power
My newly found fascination of Buddhism…
In short. I have so much to be happy about.
This situation for the last 9 weeks has totally drained all my energy time, and life force.
We are still talking everyday but it feels pretty over. I dont know how HE feels, but I feel like I am falling out of love with him…every single second of the day. And Lord knows I didn’t want to !! I wanted to stay and make it work! He is a GREAT GUY! But Geez….he broke up with me after he found out I wanted something more serious with him (meaning living together or building a life together bc he was already monogamous and with me a lot of the time..).
But the truth is that I didn’t feel supported. It wasn’t like “Honey, you can drop of your son here if you need to go do XYZ…” Oh hell no…nothing like that. But he had so many other great qualities I overlooked this.
I still have not mustered the courage for the “clean break” – but I am sure its coming….partially because I don’t want to feel guilty.
I have no desire to see him or spend time with him 🙁 I don’t miss him. Its unfortunate but I have to be honest with myself. After 9 weeks of crying every day….I think my love for him is dying. If he were showing me enthusiasm about the relationship I would feel different. But to his defense he is also going through this.
The first week I wanted to call him be with him. This second week, his lack of enthusiasm has left me very blah about the whole situation. He was very ill with fever this week….but even when he was ill with fever before “the break up” he’d be calling me and wanting to be with me.
Sigh. I still dont know what to do…But I am feeling better. He is starting to not matter that much anymore. But I just dont want him in my life. Not like this I don’t. Is that okay? That’s what I am struggling with with.
Hi, I am in a very similar situation.
My bf of 15 months (we are both divorced 40 & 44). It was also an amazing relationship. We never talked about the future we were just happy and totally in love with one another – not able to get enough…you know the drill.
Then at 15 months I brought up living together and he fell apart on me. So much so I was so hurt by his response of “not being ready” that I broke up with him. He begged me just a week later and 2 days later he broke up with me bc he could not “see ever” having to do the “family thing” again.
He had a very tough marriage for 18 years with a very demanding woman..that is his excuse.
3.5 weeks later I contacted him and he was falling apart he missed me so much. So we got back together at my urging to try again. And here we are – 13 days into our “second try” and there is a very obvious distance and pain between us. He hardly calls me (I have nothing to say right now anyways). I think we are both “processing”…
I am only giving him this opportunity because he is an honest and good man – and has shown me nothing different. But I am backing up as much as I can. I am going to go on living my life and if he decides to start contacting me more often I will see how I feel at that point.
I know who I am and what I have to offer. I beat up myself tremendously over this thinking “why the hell did I have to say anything about living together and wanting to be a family” – but I am done with that…
I thought its what normal people did in a relationship that is going great, they talk about the future.
He is not ready because he doesn’t want responsibility of a life partner, or responsibility of a child (I have a 6 year old boy). He has a 13 and 16 year old girl, and just like he said, he is almost done with his parenting gig.
This experience has made me grown spiritually more than I could have ever imagined. Taking it day by day – feeling that although my BF is right down the street (he is my neighbor practically) .
But I am loving to live in uncertainty. I have cried for the last 10 weeks. I am finally starting to get over this…every day is a little bit better.
Daily meditation and reading about Buddha and the noble truths have really helped me.
Hang in there. Life is uncertain. And full of surprises.
Hi Mark, thanks for listening to me again 🙂
I am at the point where I dont want to do anything else. I dont want to break up with him. I don’t want to “chase him” (its not what I would do anyways). I just need to stand still.
I really care for him. I want to be with him. I do want him. But I also understand that we are in a place in our relationship where two things will happen.
1) We will either go our separate ways.
2) Time will heal this and our relationship will grow.
There is no “pushing” on either side right now.
I dont think I said anything wrong in asking for him to have a relationship with my son – I didn’t ask for anything out of the ordinary. He WAS ALREADY doing it.
We had a terrible fight gone wrong.
What I can do:
1) I cant fix this. I cant do anything to make it different.
2) I need to give this time and space – something is bound to happen – things will get different.
For the best.
Mark. I love everything you write to me. Thank you.
We have been back together for 13 days today and the relationship is not the same. We are distant, cold. I cry every day missing and longing the amazing romance we had. The true love affair. I am so sad.
I blame myself constantly over what happened. We were SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY AND FULFILLED. This man gave me EVERYTHING, treated me great, loved me, gave me attention. We had ONE conversation about living together which went totally wrong and my feelings were very hurt.
Instead of talking to him, I let the resentment build for three weeks until I cornered myself and did something STUPID and FOOLISH. I broke up with my sweetheart.
He took the breakup as an ultimatum – and in all honesty – I acted out of fear. I had no idea what to do. I was SO SCARED to talk to him I rather just end it – I thought if I talked to him I would pressure him and injure the relationship.
All I wanted to know was why he wasn’t ready – I should’ve just asked. Not that his response would not have hurt me anyhow. His response being “I dont know if I want to give up my freedom of my own apartment and live with you and your son…”
In looking at Buddhist principles (hindsight 20/20) I feel like I was GRASPING for something I already had. I had a beautiful relationship and if I would’ve just been patient and understanding (instead of being self serving to meet my own needs of “how come you dont want to live with me and my son”) I would’ve been fine and I would’ve been happy.
That is my biggest struggle. The regret.
So where am I know?
The relationship has changed. It doesn’t feel the same anymore. There is a lot of pain and hurt behind it.
He doesn’t call me the way he used to. He doesn’t look for me the way he used to.
I no longer feel pretty and fun and sexy. I feel sad, heavy heart, regretful. I have no energy to do anything.
If I break up with him I will forever wonder what would’ve happened if I would’ve stayed. Would we have been able to get past this? Would the relationship have mended itself back up?
If I stay I am dying. Every day is a struggle.
Regret if I stay. Regret if I go.
I have restarted meditating everyday. I am in a different place today than I was a week ago. I think I am getting closer to making my decision.
This beautiful relationship may have just run its course. I WANT IT TO WORK SO BAD, he is SUCH A GREAT GUY.
I cant stop beating myself up for having messed this up.
it is so sad that you you guys are doing this scam. Karma.January 5, 2014 at 4:54 pm in reply to: Found my soulmate, he is going through a divorce, he needs a break..hurts so muc #48434
cathy move on! You cannot be friends with this guy. You need no contact.
I am in a similar situation, well he is my BF, but just dropped the bomb on me of ‘not being ready’ to talk about the future at OUR age (in our forties) same exact scenario as your BF for his divorce…he has been out of the house for 3 years and STILL is in shambles.
The men! They are just perfect and the timing is all off. move on. I am still with my bf but its HARD.January 3, 2014 at 12:59 pm in reply to: Don't know if I should end relationship…I'm not ready? #48287
Did you break up with this fellow? I hope you did 🙂 No one should tell you your fat, is he in shape? My GOD!January 3, 2014 at 12:54 pm in reply to: I cost myself the girl of a lifetime and I can't forgive myself #48286
Omg. Please stop blaming yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with what you did except fall in love with someone who is obviously not interested in any kind of relationship except with herself.
Honey. Take it from a girl (now 40) who was 20 once…I WAS that girl. I knew an older guy would just entertain me. I wanted nothing serious with them. I too cheated. I too had numerous boyfriends. I too “told guys” when other guys asked me out.
Ah. In short. looking at this as an outsider. SHE WAS HARDLY the lottery. Oh my.
Did you learn some things? Yes….like communicate, never hold back sex.
If you would’ve done those things would she have commited her self to you? Hell no.
This was a lesson.
I am in a similar situation right now…with who I thought was “the man of my dreams” right up until I told him, after 15 months of an awesome relationship “Hey, let’s live together..” and he completely freaked out on me.
He doesn’t want any responsibility. He just wants a cute girlfriend to have a monogamous relationship with but not take “care” of her in any way. He is a great guy, but I think he gave all he had to his ex…
You actually put a HUGE smile on my face. Ha…fighting men like zombies. So funny 🙂 Yes, some guys want to date me…but that doesn’t mean I like them back !
Chemistry, emotional, physical, spiritual…is not easy to find in a person.
What I wanted when I started this relationship: A Boyfriend – a man who would adore me, chase me, make me feel amazing! With this guy: I got EXACTLY that.
Fifteen months later, and at our age – I wanted more (relationships are supposed to grow…and we were obviously going at different speeds) – I got starry eyed about having a “family” (not more kids just living with our kids) and really taking our relationship to the next level – which I already felt wasn’t too far fetched from what we were already living… I asked for something, he freaked out on me. I tried to take it back and now we are in this yucky place.
As for you: I’m not sure how old you are but I will tell you what women like – just from my perspective 🙂
– BE FIT (take care of yourself and LOOK GOOD) work out if you don’t…
-We LIKED to be chased, so don’t play the hard to get card…its okay to do a little game here and there…but you should be the one chasing us!
-We typically dont like you in the first 2-3 dates but then you call us “sweetheart” or say something off the cuff and its that one moment we go “oh crap” I like this guy.
-In bed – be dirty! We all love that. Believe me.
-Be confident: We only believe what you show us.
– Don’t give up! Your lady is out there.
Here’s how you take care of yourself.
End this relationship. I find it very helpful to take care of my body (I dont drink or smoke, I work out religiously 6 times a week) – no matter HOW SAD you are just push yourself.
This man doesn’t love you because he has no self respect and love for himself. this is NOT your fault. Its not that you are not lovable and awesome….you are with a man who is incapable of a real intimate relationship.
Cut your loses, move on,