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I cost myself the girl of a lifetime and I can't forgive myself

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  • #46243
    lost
    Participant

    I had a beautiful young girl throw herself at me and I basically threw the experience away.

    For two months this girl threw herself at me and I resisted, why? Because she had a boyfriend out of state and I had heard from another guy she had offered herself to him as well (he also turned her down, she was too young in his opinion). The age difference between us was 13 years.

    She finally caught me when another girl I had been chasing broke my heart and she was there to nurse my wounds. At first I thought I could be ok with it. I felt she would leave her current bf within a month and switch to me, however I felt I couldn’t fully trust her because I knew what she was doing behind this guy’s back.

    I also was listening to some BAD advice from someone I thought was out to help me. This was a guy who had a girl just leave him and he was bitter. His advice?
    “Anytime she gets out of line you punish her.” WORST ADVICE EVER. But I didn’t know as when I did this she seemed to “get in line.”

    About a month into the relationship, she went to a party with her best guy friend where they got her drunk and according to her the guy friend “took advantage of her.”
    Only I didn’t have all the info, she never told me about this party, the only info I had that night was her response to my text saying she was at this guy’s house (not the guy friend, the host of the party) and was drunk, then stopped responding to texts. I didn’t know there was a party. She told me she didn’t drink, and I knew she was the party host’s type, so I assumed she slept with the host of the party and accused her of it, which was when she confessed to me about her guy friend “taking advantage.” Which she said was just kissing.

    I broke up with her for a week. She had demonstrated what I had feared, a lack of faithfulness to me.
    She seemed remorseful so I took her back. But now my trust level with her was 0%.
    She never stopped hanging out with the best guy friend (who I knew was interested in her).

    During this time, I never went all the way with her. The reasoning (which was STUPID) was “Until she drops the bf out of state, she doesn’t get all of me.” Only I never said this to her. She did her best to try to entice me each time, she treated me like a king, but I held back thinking that she was cheating and didn’t deserve it. She would have to let the out of state bf go. This was STUPID reasoning. I should’ve realized that I was being evaluated to see if she really wanted to leave him. I figured she’d at least say “what’s wrong?” and then I would say “you’re still with someone else. Until you drop him, I won’t give you everything.”

    But we never communicated. Both of us were expecting the other to read between the lines.

    Around this time, I also got angry at her for being alone with the best guy friend at his place at 2am in the morning, she said they were working on a school project, but I felt he had lost the right to be alone with her after the party incident and demanded she come over immediately.

    At 3 months in, I took her ballroom dancing. I got tricked away from her by a guy’s friends who asked me to dance and this other guy danced with her. When she sat down with me she told me the guy had asked “So how will I see you again?” and she told me she responded “Well, I have Facebook.” I asked her “Why would you do that??” and I didn’t really get an answer.

    I had planned to open up to her physically that night, she had stayed long enough, but according to my friend whenever she “got out of line” I was to “punish her.” So because she gave him her Facebook, I withheld again. I realize now that in her mind, this was my last chance too. That was the last night we were intimate. She broke it off with me
    within a week after that.

    In the very end she ran off with a guy 26 years older she had known for a week who lived across the country.

    This is what I can’t forgive myself for. I don’t know why I thought that was a good strategy, it was foolish and cost me EVERYTHING.
    It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I blew it. I basically won the lottery and then never really got to enjoy it.

    I just want to die. How can I forgive myself for throwing the BEST THING that WILL EVER happen to me away?

    I don’t understand where my mind was, it was like I was INSANE. I think it was a combination of not trusting her combined with the guy’s advice to “punish” her.
    I REALLY had thought we would AT LEAST have a fight or talk about it first before she decided to leave!

    I can truly tell you I wouldn’t have treated her that way if she had dropped the boyfriend or didn’t have one when she was with me. Now I’m just the guy who “didn’t count” to her…

    I learned a lot….but at the cost of a leg it feels like. I paid TOO MUCH of a price.

    BTW I learned that there is a difference between “punishing” someone and merely taking pleasure away. Meaning that if someone “doesn’t behave” instead of yelling or withholding, merely walk away until they act right again.

    How STUPID was I and how can I even forgive myself for costing myself this? I had my fantasy girl and threw her away…

    P.S. BELIEVE ME I have TRIED to forget her by trying to meet/date other women…I must be THE UGLIEST guy in the world because I can’t get them to even date me.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 12 months ago by lost.
    • This topic was modified 6 years, 12 months ago by tinybuddha. Reason: Removed graphic sexual language
    #46245
    cesar
    Participant

    I can sympathize I lost the woman I wished for over 10 years.
    we were together for the last 8 years and I lost her. I won’t go into the details
    not enough time but my heart and spirit is crushed. the one thing
    that kept me going is this quote from my favorite song.
    “you can’t always get what you want but if you try some time you might find you get what you need”. I can understand that now and there was a reason for what
    happened my goal is to learn the wisdom from it and move on
    easier said than done god knows its the worst pain ever. but
    they say pain is weakness leaving the body. I say pain is wisdom
    entering the mind.
    I wish you well brother. my deepest sympathies.

    #46248
    AikiBen
    Participant

    I can offer a few points learred from experience:
    1. Actually your mate was not far off the mark. But it’s not so much punishment, it’s about having integrity and self respect (a strong boundary). If a woman does something out of line then you should NEVER let it just pass. You must catch her on it to let her know that it’s not accetable, otherwise she will lose respect for you, and rightfully so. This can be done firmly but politely/with humour. Women constantly test you, often very subtly, as a way to assess your strength and integrity. Once you fail these tests you are on a very slippery slope… and you went very far down the slope. Think of what it communicated to her since you were still wiliing to see her after she’d possibly been with someone else. That is a show stopper right there, an “OK, goodbye!” scenario. Instead you sacrificed your own self respect because you wanted her. To let it get that far is already too far though. The thing that happened at the dance is even worse, but not unexpected at all, it’s a natural progression on that slippery slope – which you are responsible for putting yourself on.

    The reason you feel so bad is because you crossed yourself again and again for her, and psychologically speaking given her full control of your inner resources (self respect, self esteem, etc) and she said no and in so doing so has left you empty and feeling like you lost something amazing – you have, it’s called your self respect, integrity, dignity. NOT the woman though. By the way, whenever this happen it always makes the woman seem like the best and only woman you will ever meet.

    You might also do well asking yourself (this might take a few months because of all the emotional attachment), do you really want a woman like that? Her actions domonstrate low self respect, a poor boundary, unstable, etc, they are not the actions of a quality woman who has her life together.

    Some of this probably sounds a bit harsh, but I’m just trying to be straight up with you. I only know this stuff because I’ve learned the hard way by making mistakes like you’re making. By putting my own self respect and integrity first, I have been surprised at the results, if I ever cross my self, which still happens sometimes, the effects are very bad. Trust me, work at getting your inner stuff together. It will make all aspects of your life better, not just your intimate relationships.

    #46269
    BeFunkNote
    Participant

    I don’t really see how she was the “girl of a lifetime”. She cheated on you, she cheated on her long distance boyfriend with you, she wouldn’t communicate about an obvious problem (lack of sex) and then in the end she runs off with an even older man she barely knows? She sounds like a terrible girlfriend and person in general.

    I think you are building her up in your head because she was young and beautiful. You’re chasing after a fantasy that doesn’t exist. If I was you I’d be happy that she is out of my life for good. As far as I can tell she brought more grief to your life than happiness. This is not the sign of a good relationship. They should make you a better person and you shouldn’t have to play games (like punishing her). You need to take off the blinders and see her for what she really is.

    Do not punish people you love and care about, COMMUNICATE with them. You should have communicated to her early on that if she wants all of you she needs to drop the boyfriend. No one can read your mind, you have to tell them what you are thinking.

    Hopefully you can at least learn something from this experience so your next relationship is more fulfilling and positive.

    #46271
    Jade
    Participant

    I’m with BeFunkNote here, there is nothing in your explanation that demonstrates that this girl could be ANYONE’S “once in a lifetime” lady! Her behaviour was disrespectful and confusing, and I think you are under the “young and beautiful” spell. Take this experience to learn and grow, figure out what you DON’T want in your next relationship and go from there. Speak up about your needs, be straight-forward, and don’t be afraid to step away if the other person can’t fulfil your desires.

    #46275
    lost
    Participant

    Thank you all for your replies.

    @Jade: “don’t be afraid to step away if the other person can’t fulfill your desires.” (BTW I don’t think you should just step away until you’ve communicated what you want to that person and given them a chance to fulfill it).

    I’m afraid that’s why SHE stepped away, she thought I was just lame sexually. She felt she had given me enough opportunities. But I REALLY couldn’t fully open up to her though, because I kept thinking “how soon until you betray me?”

    I NEVER should have played ANY games with her and I DEFINITELY should have COMMUNICATED…I don’t know why I didn’t…

    But she REALLY was the girl of a lifetime. I’ve never met any girl before or since who was as smart, fun, funny, and who shared ALL of my interests (like video games). She could REALLY be a pleasure to be around. The only problem was the shady behavior (which I’m wondering was just cause she was young). I’ll tell you she’ll be the TOTAL PACKAGE once she learns to be faithful and not constantly looking to “trade up.”

    This wouldn’t be soo hard if I could replace her, but the way things ended she won’t even talk to me anymore.

    I’m never gonna have a shot at a girl like that again and then to have turned my nose up at it when I did…that’s just STUPID.

    #46286
    Matt
    Participant

    Lost,

    Yep, you made some dumb choices. Its normal to do so, and you’re nothing special or unique in your ignorance. Buddha taught that we have a fundemental ignorance of how to find balance and joy, and it is within our mistakes that many of the rich lessons are revealed and learned. I agree with jade, not that she isn’t awesome, but your insistence that she was a once in a lifetime find is, frankly, over-dramatic and ignorant. What you’re really saying is that every woman out there is less than her, and that is a cloud that needs settling. No wonder you’ve had issues finding another resonant spirit! You’ve already decided they are lesser! Who wants to be seen as lesser?

    I wish to be respectful, but there are some hard words that seem right to say. This game you played with her was incredibly dumb. Punish her for not making up her mind? My wife sometimes takes a month just to figure out what kind of winter coat she wants. Some people take time to commit, and withholding and punishing and acting like she was a doof for not “getting in line” is soooo unkosher. Rediculous really. Don’t get me wrong, I get what you were trying to do… you were trying to build stability and connection. If she is wishy washy, withhold your heart and get her to come to you. It makes sense, but it is also dumb. If she is wishy washy, love her and the wishy washy… give assurance, understanding, space, and compassion. Said differently, always give your all, shine your light, and the wishy washy naturally erodes and grows into a strong and lasting connection.

    Finally, stop beating yourself up. You did dumb things and lost a potential. That is life. This “once in a lifetime” girl nonsense simply isn’t right. There are lots of women who like video games and sex and music and whatnot. I think the problem is you were kind of an asshole to the divine feminine (through your games with the girl) and perhaps you have yet to find genuine repentance. Said differently, you spent time being an asshole, now you smell like an asshole, and until you figure out how to be kind, gentle, and supportive to women, your stink may repel the women you would find pleasing. So, spend some time in the shower scrubbing. Directly, spend some time looking at how you judged and manipulated, but how you did so out of ignorance, not maliciousness. You have a great heart, brother, and we all make mistakes. Sure, you won’t find another like her, but only because we’re all unique. You’ll find one that helps your body sing in time.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #46289
    Matt
    Participant

    The other answers seem like they won’t be understood until you stop making your regret all about you. Its one thing to grieve, its quite another to lament your pain, beat your chest, and make your mistakes all about how they impact you. That’s just another expression of selfishness, which is what needs overcoming, friend.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #48286
    lovinggirl
    Participant

    Omg. Please stop blaming yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with what you did except fall in love with someone who is obviously not interested in any kind of relationship except with herself.

    Honey. Take it from a girl (now 40) who was 20 once…I WAS that girl. I knew an older guy would just entertain me. I wanted nothing serious with them. I too cheated. I too had numerous boyfriends. I too “told guys” when other guys asked me out.

    Ah. In short. looking at this as an outsider. SHE WAS HARDLY the lottery. Oh my.

    Did you learn some things? Yes….like communicate, never hold back sex.

    If you would’ve done those things would she have commited her self to you? Hell no.

    This was a lesson.

    I am in a similar situation right now…with who I thought was “the man of my dreams” right up until I told him, after 15 months of an awesome relationship “Hey, let’s live together..” and he completely freaked out on me.

    He doesn’t want any responsibility. He just wants a cute girlfriend to have a monogamous relationship with but not take “care” of her in any way. He is a great guy, but I think he gave all he had to his ex…

    #48567
    Geoff
    Participant

    I’m going to be honest with you lost, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You liked this girl, you wanted something serious and so of course you expected a commitment from her and the knowledge that she was with you and only you. This is what you wanted, and she couldn’t give it to you. End of story. Quit beating yourself up about how you should have done this or that. She demonstrated the kind of person she is by running off with some guy she barely knew, don’t you think that even if you did things differently and you guys stayed together longer that she wouldn’t have done the same thing farther down the line? And before that happened how many things would she have done behind your back?

    I mean to be honest you should be glad that it happened when it did and not when you had way more of an emotional investment in this woman. You wanted her, but she wasn’t committed to you, you weren’t interested in just fooling around, you wanted something serious, she obviously didn’t, things happened as they should. I used to do the same thing your doing with girls in the past, I wanted something that wasn’t there. I used to beat myself up about how I should have done this or that differently. Eventually, I realized that I have wants and needs and those wants and needs didn’t match up with the other persons wants and needs.

    You have to stand up for what you want and need in a relationship, I mean yes a lot of women are gorgeous and smart and wonderful to be around, but you can’t just throw yourself away in an effort to try to please them just so they stay in your life. If they don’t match your wants and needs, move on to the next one, no matter how beautiful or smart and don’t beat yourself up about it. Your happiness is what matters, and trust me keeping around a woman just because she is immensely beautiful or smart even though she isn’t satisfying your needs is one of the most unrewarding and draining things you could ever put yourself through. You’re basically giving everything to make it work while getting nothing you need in return.

    I just got out of a situation myself with a women. I really liked her, and we got a long great, but eventually it became obvious that she was the type who said one thing and did another, the kind of girl who you had to fight for her attention, she’d say that I’m the only guy she really liked, but yet I’d have to fight for her attention away from other dudes when we went to the bar. I only saw her when she was drunk, but she always said she’d show me she was more then just some dumb drunk girl. I literally never saw her sober, only drunk. I repeatedly told her what I wanted and what I wasn’t going to put up with, that I wanted to hang out when she was sober and form a real connection, and she always agreed and said she wanted the same, but her words never matched her actions and it became clear that she was just going to keep acting this way and keep stringing me along while telling me what I wanted to hear so I’ll stay. She never committed to anything she told me, so I ended it. Then just a couple days later I was at the bar and she was there too, we both were drunk and once again this magnetism between us drew us together once again and she asked me why I ended things and I told her how I felt, she said she was sorry and that she really did like me and didn’t want things to end. We ended up going home together and by the end of the night she basically alluded to her wanting to be my girlfriend and so I told her I was down with that. Literally just two days later I show up at the bar and there she is drinking with some random guy and she greets me like some acquaintance and then precedes to ignore me for this other guy.

    I told her to her face that we were done. I really liked her personality, and I was attracted to her but I wasn’t going to put up with that shit.

    The point of the story is that actions speak louder then words, and you have to be willing to stick to your guns. Some of these girls (I’m sure guys do it to) don’t know what they want, they don’t know there place in the world, they are just looking to have fun and not take anything serious and they end up saying what you want to hear and seem like they really like you, but you can’t judge them on their words, only there actions.

    Lost she proved herself through her actions, that’s it. Don’t blame yourself for anything. You went after what you wanted and didn’t get it from this girl so move on to the next one. The next girl you have in your life, make it clear what you’re looking for and if she wants the same thing, judge her by her actions and go from there. Don’t punish her for not doing what you want, that’s stupid, just move on until you find someone who wants what you want, only then can you form a relationship that satisfies both sides. Always stay true to yourself my friend.

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