Dear anita,

how are you? Now I am at my parents place. I did spend the last days mainly outdoors going for long walks with my mother or brother. It makes me feel a little bit calmer to be around people. Before, I was physically feeling the loneliness. But I do still feel lonely from time to time. Hopefully I can get back to work soon, so that my everyday life returns to a bit more normalcy.

Regarding the previous post: the laundry was not destroyed, I probably used the wrong word or was a bit dramatic. I asked my roommate about it, it is all o.K. This is just not the best laundry machine I guess. Also, I took your words a bit too personally, I am sorry. It is prabably my biggest flaw. To always take things personally, to assume that others think badly of me, to feel guilty for everything. The fear of not being accepted or being disliked or blamed is immense!

You quoted me: ““It is probably best to reduce my efforts in the community rooms”- I am not sure I understand what you mean by this. ”

I just meant, better not go too crazy with the cleaning stuff. Better no experiments or aggressive cleanings. Better stick to the weekly plan and normal methods.

When you said it’s good that I don’t make assumptions: I have to confess that I mainly repeated my therapists words, trying to remind myself. I myself still make assumptions, when overhearing  a snipped of a conversation or sometimes even just a laugh. The fear of “they are talking about me” or “they don’t like me” is very big and overwhelming.

To cope, I am trying to fill my day with more useful tasks and I should also remind myself that I have a tendency t come to this kind of conclusions. I would like to become a person that is not judgemental and open minded and doesn’t make assumptions. Those things are very important values to me, but I am not there yet.

Yes, I am looking forward to talking to my therapist again. Then I can ask again, to understand her better. For example, I could ask her about her (seemingly) angry facial expression. Then I could see if my impression was right or not (if she still remembers by then). Then I can understand things better.

You are right, I am not seeing the people that I am talking to for who they are, when my fear of them being angry at me takes over. For good or bad. Hopefully I can overcome this sometime and just be me and let others be.

Dear anita,

thanks. Overall I am reasonable, but my extreme self doubt sometimes clouds my thinking.

Yesterday I went to therapy and it was a bit of a difficult session for me. I was talking about my fears that my roommate could think that I am weird. Because there was a problem with the laundry machine and I overheard my roommates saying something like “who knows what weird things Lily did with the machine.” She said so laughingly, not maliciously. Also, I do not know the full context and overall my roommate is a very friendly and mature person. But my fears of being weird and of maybe being difficult and a bother got activated again.

I started to worry about what weird things I do. Once I made a laundry detergent out of chestnuts. But I doubt that the chestnuts could have damaged the machine because they only get soaked in water and then the filtered water is poured into the washing machine. But I thought about everything, am I cooking too much? Are the clothes I wear too weird? Etc, etc.

My therapist then said when talking about my family that under such circumstances it was difficult to learn about empathy. Then I asked her if she thinks that am lacking empathy? And she said yes. I was so shocked and even asked twice. She said I have a hard time understanding people.

Well, I can see her point. Often when I feel insecure, I get so worried about being rejected or about what I could have done wrong, that I am not capable of seeing clearly. I often assume that people will think badly of me.

I am still a little shocked and confused though. Later she asked again, that I seemed a bit shocked when she said that and about what I would consider the definition of empathy. At that moment, I was a bit unclear and couldn’t give a proper definition. But she also said that she believes that I can be capable of empathy, but often my view of people is clouded and sometimes I don’t understand their motives (if I understood correctly).

Also she said that in my relationship with K none of us had much empathy for the other. In my case she believed that I was interested in being empathetic, but in his case maybe not. She explained that it could be also because of different cultural background, not because he is in any way a bad person (but in the past she also said that he behaved egoistical and probably wanted to control me). In the west it is more important to look inwards, while other cultures have different values.This also got me thinking again, because the memory of this relationship still stings and I still think of him at times and don’t understand everything that happened. But o.K. at least I learned something from that experience and want to handle things differently next time.

Anyways, the empathy thing was so shocking, because I believed that I was empathetic. And I think that I am capable of feeling for others and listening to them. And I can often see different sides to the problem, I can see the good in people and I can also be empathetic when someone doesn’t behave perfectly. And I want the best for others and not to hurt them (at least that is my intention).

But I guess as soon as I feel self doubt, I misunderstand a lot of things. I assume that people dislike me, that nobody can love me and that they will reject me.

The therapy session was very emotional. At the end my therapist seemed like she almost started to cry and said that I am a wonderful person. She also said that she wanted to give me hope and that I had already made progress.

My feelings about all that are confusing. A bit of sadness, disappointment in myself and doubts. A bit of wanting to ask my therapist more about it. A bit of thinking: but no, I AM empathetic. But I guess it is better to learn, self-reflect and understand myself better.

In other news, my contract got paused for another month. As the company offers classes for grown ups, the reopening will likely be slow. It was disappointing, especially because they first said that I could possibly come back to work soon.

They also sent only a quick Email, instead of calling. It was more formal than before. But that was probably my bad, because last time I sent back the signed pause-contract one month later, so yes, they probably felt that I did not take them seriously and that’s why. Yes, my bad. This time I sent it back more quickly. Sigh. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

At the same time I felt a bit angry. They probably meant well when they told me that I can come back soon, but still…

I have looked out for other jobs and found one I want to apply to. Today I want to start writing it. Who knows how long all of this will last. Who knows if they maybe will release me in the end. And the old job at the reception of the company is not perfectly suited for me: it is very stressful, with lots of people calling, people coming and asking questions, while you are still at the same time have to do other office work. I am not the best suited for contact with lots of people, answering lots of questions. Often I was very insecure. It was a good training and I have learned a lot, but it also was very stressful. It gives a lot of opportunity for making mistakes and worrying and feeling guilty.

Well, maybe I will get the job back. There are positives too. The payment is well enough, the people that work there are decent and in the end of the day good people and I felt accepted. But it will not be a bad idea to look out for other options. It will make me feel better and more in control of my own life. Less dependent on the fate of the company.

I will only look for jobs that either are paid well enough or give me an opportunity to learn new things.

Also, I will visit my family for a week or two. Now I have the time and it will be a good thing to get away for a while and to have more human contact. I can also write applications and paint at my parents house. And I can go for walks to the forest and cook for my family. Maybe I will make a very fancy strawberry gateau or torte…

There I will also have the opportunity to connect to nature. You are right, it will give me a break from overthinking. I need to integrate such activities that give me a deeper connection with myself into my everyday life. Dancing, nature walks, cooking and such things. Today I plan also to go for a walk. Are you also going on a walk today?

Dear anita,

how are you?

The past week was mixed for me. Some days I  was able to follow a routine. At 7:00 am I would wake up, then do Yoga (only 10-30 minutes), then draw for a bit, prepare lunch/eat lunch, draw some more, then go for a walk and journal while outside, sitting on a bench. I thought that I had finally figured it out, but then there were some days again when I didn’t get much done.

Today I also got up (a bit after 7:00 am), did Yoga for 20 minutes, cleaned the flat, showered, cooked lunch. Now in the afternoon I want to draw more. Maybe go for a walk again later. So far, it was not too bad, even though I still got distracted by the internet.

Often I feel like I don’t get enough done, that I should be more productive. I feel sometimes so useless, worse now that I don’t work.

At least I have improved a bit, did Yoga, journaled, drew regularly for a few days. I am now almost finished with an old project that I started years ago. So I am learning and getting better. I am trying to tell myself that it is o.K. and that it is good enough to make an o.K. use of my time.

It could still be worse. But I really want to overcome getting easily distracted by the internet. My therapist and I talked about it repeatedly, but it is hard to stick to the things discussed. For example, I should not look at my phone in the morning.Today I even woke up before 7:00 am,but then looking at the phone made me postpone the start of the day. What a bad start! I do not want that to happen again… So some rules I want to keep, that I also discussed with my therapist:

1) Not look at the phone in the morning

2) No internet while eating (Magazines are still allowed)

3) No internet before noon

Maybe writing this down here will help. So far, I wasn’t doing so good. But I have to try again.

By the way the life admin day (LAD was supposed to mean life admin day) went well. I did almost all the things on my list, except writing a thank you note for my mentor. Maybe I should set another date for that.

About my mother: thinking about telling her that is pretty scary. I have not talked about it with her yet. My therapist said, that this would be a good occasion to practice telling people how I feel. But I also feel like my response to her was an o.K. solution. I thanked for her kind words, but didn’t say “I love you” in my message.

Well, I am still running away from communicating openly. Why is it such a horror for me? Why do I have so much resistance? I have a very hard time telling others my uncomfortable feelings.

Yet, I would prefer that others would communicate openly with me. It really seems that most people don’t do it.Even my tough colleague couldn’t tell my other colleague that she was not satisfied before talking to management.

Maybe the world would be a better place, if people talked about their problems directly. But so far, I was not strong enough to do that too often.

About my friend: she is indeed very busy. She wants to save money now and work full time, so she can work less next semester. At one hand I admire her hard work, on the other only hearing about it makes me feel stressed. Sometimes I get the feeling that she wants to do all at once. She works six days a week now, more than 40 hours per week I think. I worry a bit, hopefully she will take care of her health. But she knows best what she wants.

I don’t know, if I should call her or reach out to her until she comes to me again (at the moment, I called about once a week)? One thing, I do not want to add to her stress, and on the other hand, I feel weird being always the one who calls first. And then I always get the feeling that I say the wrong things, maybe I am not supportive enough. To be honest, once it happened that she talked about herself and then I changed the subject to me, which I realized later and regretted. Maybe I am thinking way too much about all of this? Or maybe I am not a good friend? I have worried about this a lot lately. Hopefully I will be able to work again soon too, so I will have more distraction.

I guess I am feeling lonely, but I should focus on the positive things. This week I even went to the river beach. It was a very nice day. I brought some potato salad I had made one day before, an apple and an egg. Then I sat down at the beach, ate my food and journaled for a while. And I watched the people around me. There were a lot of families, children climbing on a tree nearby and playing with the sand. Later I walked back on the shore and collected some river shells. It was a bit like a mini-holiday.

It was a very nice and sunny day. Today it is raining again (but it’s good for the plants). I should be thankful to be safe and that I will be able to spend time drawing today.

I hope you are well as well! You said you live close to Canada, somehow I imagined you living in California. Is it slowly becoming summer too where you live? Here I can hear the swallows now more often, so summer can’t be far.

Have a nice day!

Dear anita,

hopefully I am making progress, at least I am understanding things better now. Last year was too hurtful. Now I only have to put everything into practice.

I still have to work on forgiving myself. Negative thoughts and regrets do still come up at times.

But today I feel pretty much o.K. My boss called and said that I could probably come back to work in about two weeks. That makes me feel hopeful that things will become more normal again soon.

But I think I have also used this free time pretty o.K. I have made progress on my project and want to finish my illustrations for it until I start to work again. Also, I have worked on my routine and feel like I am finally making some progress there. Today for example I got up at 7, did some Yoga (20 minutes), drew and then went for a walk and also journaled while sitting on a park bench. I feel satisfied with myself.

Also, I have learnt a bit about herbs, like I had planned and tried out some new recipes. On Sunday I made the bread which turned out delicious (thinking now about making bread once every week). Also, I made fish on a bed of nettles, which also tasted very well, much better than the nettle soup I made some time ago (that one already looked strange, like some sort of green slime :/ but the taste was still o.K.).

Now I also have the idea to draw one plant I find or see each day and then make notes about its uses, so I can learn slowly more and more! I bought a new sketchbook for this.

So I am satisfied with how I used this time without work, even though I was not always productive. I did o.k.

You are right that I do not have to read every article that a stranger suggests. This one was helpful though and made it clearer for me what I wanted to change in myself. It was good for self-reflection. But sometimes I am still too accommodating. At least I am becoming more and more aware of that. In the past I wasn’t at all and I am still in the habit of trying to please others.

When it comes to the replying – I think sometimes I do not want to reply immediately and then I forget. Or I want to make a very good reply and then procrastinate. Maybe sometimes I also don’t know what to say or just have a lot of other things going on.

Last week for example my mother wrote a text message. She wrote what a wonderful and talented person I am and also signed with “I love you”. In this example I did not really know how to reply. Our relationship in the past was not that close, there were no hugs or “I love you”, really. More that my parents did not understand me, I can remember more criticism and not being accepted and feeling like I was a bad, spoiled child. Now I think that my mother was probably depressed and unable to handle being a parent.

A few years ago, after she had gone to therapy, she started saying “I love you” on the phone and hugging. I say it back but I always feel a little awkward and uneasy. And this text message also made me feel uneasy and overwhelmed. How to reply back? Should I now say also positive things about her back? Do I have to write “I love you” when it feels somewhat unnatural to me?

I can see positive things about my mother. I am proud of her that she went to therapy and faced her problems. She genuinely seems happier now. She has a lot of friends and hobbies and can also can stand up to my father better. She is a loving person, very active and what I also like is that she is quite adventurous (last year on her holidays she wanted to sleep at the beach, she climbs trees, goes swimming naked in the ocean and all while being over sixty years old). She has hobbies like gardening or singing in the choir and likes to spend time in nature. But I have a hard time writing positive things like this to her, it makes me feel awkward… I think it is not easy for me to express my emotions but with my mother I just don’t feel this close at the same time.

In the end I just wrote a short message, similar to what you suggested. I said thank you for your kind words and talked about what I had done in the past days and said we can talk on the phone soon. She replied at 3 am the same day, which worried me a bit. But the next day we talked on the phone which went well.

Tomorrow is my LAD. Did you pick a day for yourself too? If you like you can share about it here.

My goals for tomorrow are:

1) Go to the doctor to get a prescription for medication

2) Clear out that drawer where I put all sorts of letters, papers and things that I don’t know what to do with.

3) Write a thank you note to my former mentor

4) Call about two online purchases that I returned and haven’t received my money back

5) One of my roommates is going to move out soon to move in with her partner. Next weekend me and the other roommate want to discuss what to write in our online advertisement in search for a roommate. I want to prepare for that.

Those are the most important things for now and I can report later on how it went.

About my friend: we talked on Sunday. This time she called as she promised. It seems she really works a lot at the moment. She even told me that one day she fell asleep while undressing, she must have been so tired! Sometimes I worry about her, because she works so much and also spends a lot of time helping her mother and others. I think I need to be compassionate with her and I want to be supportive and a good friend. Sometimes I also talked a lot about my problems and I hope it was not too much. In the future I want to be more mindful and present when I spend time with her. Hopefully we can stay in contact, even though life is so busy and she has met new people.

About the climate: it has become colder now again and a bit rainy. You live in the US, right? I live in northern Germany. The place I live in is known for its bad weather (lots of rain), but during the last three or so years, the summers were warmer and sunnier. Climate change I guess.

Okay, this has become very long! Hope you are well, thanks for your in depth reply. Take care!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Lily.

Dear Ravi,

maybe the article triggered me a little bit, because I fear that I am not always authentic or true to myself. I want very much to be honest and kind to people. Those values are important to me. But sometimes I was a bit too polite and not that honest.

When someone mistreated me once, I still wanted to resolve the issue amicably, I still wanted to be polite. Now I think, if someone treats you this bad, it’s time to throw politeness out of the window!

Or with this one friend, I wanted some space for myself, she was so demanding! Also her words to me were sometimes pointy. I grew more and more angry at her over time. It would have been better if I had discussed my feelings with her openly, and told her that I was feeling hurt and angry. Instead I wanted to be nice and this perfect person and ignored my own feelings. Then I let the relationship fade away slowly by not initiating contact. I still feel unhappy about this.

I do not want this to happen ever again! I want to be true to myself, not be overly polite (although I value politeness in everyday situations, no need to be disrespectful to anyone!). It is best for me and the other person.

Sometimes I still am angry at myself for how I handled those things in the past, feeling guilty for not being consequent enough and for not telling others what I want. But I was very confused myself and barely knew myself what I wanted… I somehow have to forgive myself.

Well, what I wanted to say, because of these things, I think some of the words from the article hit me (sorry I wrote down so many details, but it helps me to understand myself better). Because the things discussed there hit too close to home (I think this is the saying, right?). So for this reason, it was probably important for me to read the article.

You wrote: “we think that saying “no” to someone means we are being unkind but that is not the case”. That is true and I want to work on that, being kind to myself and to others.

Thank you also for the website suggestion. I took a quick look at it and will check it out more later!

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Dear Ravi,

thank you for your reply and for taking the time to read.

I have read the article. It has a lot of valid points and I can see some of the behaviours described in myself.

However, some of the words used are quite upsetting. The headline is kind of provocative. I do not want to be unkind and dishonest to any person or try to manipulate anyone. I don’t believe this is the person I am.

I do not scan a person to see what they like and don’t like, as described in the article, so then I can tell them what I like based on their preferences. I like what I like and will not lie about it. If somebody shares an interest then I will likely talk more about this common ground than other interests with them. But I will not pretend to like something when I don’t.

When I meet somebody new, I mainly feel resistance to talking to them. The first conversations will be awkward and I will be very tense. Only over a long time period of time I will feel more comfortable with someone until I really want to spend time with them. I do not try to impress. My main thought will be: I want to be polite, but I also want to get away and be by myself again (unless I know somebody and feel comfortable with them):

Also, I am o.K. if somebody doesn’t like me. Still, I would want to be polite to them, even if we don’t like each other. I just wouldn’t want to spend my free time with them, but still say hello and talk politely to them, if there is an issue that needs to be discussed. Of course, if somebody decides that they want no contact with me or don’t want to speak to me, I want to respect and accept that. But, I can’t deny that it won’t upset or hurt me and that I might have sometimes a weird reaction to that. I will get an endless stream of thoughts about all possible and impossible reasons of what I could have done wrong and become distressed. Then, I will probably react weirdly to that person – I will become very unsure how to react and behave when we still meet. I acknowledge that I still have a lot of work to do on myself when it comes to this.

However, some things described in the article, I can see in myself. I have a very hard time expressing to others what I want or to express disagreement. Saying no is not very easy for me. Sometimes when I tried to say no and the other person pressured me in the slightest way, I gave up my resistance and did what they wanted of me. And in these circumstances I did things that were not true to myself, as said in the article. It ended up not working out at all for me or the other people.

I have also gone to events or helped a friend with their projects, when I did not really want it or wasn’t feeling well myself. What I wanted was to be a good and supportive friend or a good person. I expected a lot of myself and felt bad about saying no. The end result was, that I wasn’t of much help to my friends and only felt more stressed myself. From those experiences I have learned that I should not neglect my own needs and feelings, but it also took a long time just to see and understand this. And I still have a very hard time saying no or criticizing others.

Another thing discussed in the article is trust. And yes, I have a very hard time trusting myself and others. The feeling that the way I am is not o.K. is very strong. And it is worse trusting others that they will like me. This is why I prefer to be by myself, because then I feel like I can relax and just be me.I need a very long time before I will feel comfortable with someone. At least I have learned and accepted that about myself, so I will not rush myself again, when I meet another person.

The article raises a lot of points that I have to still work on. It is good to become more aware of them again, so thank you.

Dear anita,

thanks for the suggestion about expressive therapy. With drawing, I find it very hard to distance myself and just let go. I am very perfectionist there! Sometimes it felt like I lost the fun of drawing a bit.

But with dancing it’s easier to just do it for fun. Weirdly, even when I am alone I sometimes get worried what it looks like or I worry if my neighbours will hear me. I asked my flatmate about it, if I was too loud. She said she heard it, but it doesn’t  disturb her and she said it’s a good thing to exercise during this time. It was good to ask her and clear that worry up! Now I am only a bit worried about my underneath neighbour.

But I have danced more during the past days and sometimes I really get this feeling of freedom and I enjoy expressing myself in that way. And after a few days I felt even more at ease with it.

Yesterday I talked shortly with my friend and she also wanted to call today. I guess her life is just very busy, while mine is very empty at the moment. While I isolated myself more and more during the last year, she made a lot of new contacts. I am happy for her, but I hope that we still can stay connected.

It is time to come out of my shell again. In the past months, I feel I healed more. After I moved out of the dormitory, I still felt anxiety for months, but I am getting calmer again now and finding trust in myself again. Last year I somehow was in this big crisis and feeling like I am a very toxic and evil person. Now I think, yes, I made mistakes, but at least I have learned something from it and now I can see clearer.

Who knows, maybe someday even a relationship will be possible. Even if it feels unachievable at the moment. I think you are right that I will need time for myself, even if I was in a relationship.

I am wondering, why is it so draining for me to spend a lot of time with others? The thought of meeting new people or going to parties just makes me feel resistance. At the other hand, often I also felt good after I spent time with friends (that I know well).

My therapist said it could be because I haven’t learned that you can also just be yourself, even if you are in a group of people. Even if you are with others, it is o.K. to be you, to have different interests and values.

Somehow, especially with men or demanding friends, I tried to please them so much. I tried to make them happy and didn’t even realize or ask myself how I felt about it. Then I feared that I did not please them enough or in the right way and also that I was not being authentic (basically I couldn’t win). It’s no wonder that this was exhausting.

In conclusion, in my future relationships or friendships, I have to learn to also listen to myself, learn to say no. And firstly, I have to get them to know slowly, so I can understand what person they are, build trust and feel safe with them. Safe enough to tell them I I feel overwhelmed or to tell them “no” or that I need some time for myself.

Hopefully I am not becoming too repetitive (maybe I have talked about those things in the past), this week I was thinking a lot about my relationships and what went wrong. Now I am also wondering if all this analyzing is worth it and I should just (as soon as it is possible again) make new experiences, starting with trying to find new friends. I know I spend too much time thinking and worrying. I know I should do a bit more and worry a bit less.

Anyways, thank you for your well wishes and thank you for always taking the time to respond! Compared to yesterday I am feeling a bit better, maybe also because I took a long walk today (the past three days or so I skipped it). Hope you are also o.K.!

Dear anita,

it is spring here, so lots of herbs are growing. It’s the right time to pick herbs, and the stinging nettles are good to eat now. So far I used them for smoothies or tea. I also tried a soup but didn’t really like it. And I also made pesto and tried to make ravioli using wood garlic…

During my walks I was really able to watch the different herbs grow slowly. It is nice to look at them, then look them up in my “plant handbook” (I don’t know the English name) when I come home. So I noticed a lot of new plants that I hadn’t noticed before.

Going on walks helps, especially observing my surroundings, the birds and plants. When I go, sometimes I see some Runners or people with their dogs, but I try to maintain distance. Also, I go early in the morning, when less people are around.

Also, I am drawing, finishing old projects. That keeps me from worrying too much. But sometimes I still get worried and sometimes I binge watched videos about Corona news.

Hm, I am overall o.K., a bit worried, a bit lonely, but o.K.

Hope you continue to be o.K. as well. At these times, little things like going for a walk or playing with a dog become more and more valuable.