Hello Anita,

I managed to write for one hour again, but not much. Maybe next time I will try to write a little earlier in the day. Too often I distract myself and waste a lot of time. It has happened today. Sometimes I put my cable for internet access into my letter box, so I can’t use the internet too easily (I know, it’s probably a little weird). I think I will put it there every night from now on and hopefully I will become more productive then.

I’m not sure if I tried hard enough. I’m not very disciplined. Maybe for some days I can stick to a new habit, but then somehow I’m back to the old problems. Distracting myself through media is a big problem, it has been for years. When I waste a day in front of the computer, I feel bad about myself. Most of the time I don’t even enjoy it, while I’m at it.

But at least I felt a little better during the last days. In the weeks before I was really not in such a good place mentally. It really helped writing about it. Thank you and Mark for taking the time to read and reply!

About me and other people. I have never really been much of a people person. In school I was not very much liked, in my early twenties I thought I’m better off alone (I always had a few close friend though). Just in the more recent years I realized how important friends are for me. Luckily I have found a few very good ones in the city I currently live. I have one very close friend and some others I get along well with.

When I watch my friends I see that they have far less problems in setting boundaries and saying no. For example one friend and I were at an exhibition of our artwork, when one person asked us questions about the artwork, but in a sort of rude way. While my friend remained short-spoken I was answering his questions, trying to be friendly.

I like to be friendly to others. But of course you can’t be friendly to someone who mistreats you. With that ex I realized that he was treating me badly, but I also doubted my own judgement. It was such a crazy relationship, I’m still confused and ashamed of it…

In therapy we came to the conclusion that I should think more about what I want, instead about what others want. I’m seeing things a bit clearer now, but I still am not good at saying no or standing up for myself. Maybe it takes more time.

Lily

Hello Mark,

today things went a little better. We were in the kitchen, cooking and there was also another flatmate around. The other flatmate (let’s name her Lisa) talked to me and then the girl (let’s call her Anja) asked a question and I answered it. After Lisa was gone Anja asked about my food, and then we talked about the food, school stuff and upcoming renovations. So that is good, I feel better. I still feel a little awkward, but I hope we will get along o.K.

Hello Anita,

I remember you, thank you for replying again and thanks for the welcome back!

Maybe I didn’t explain everything about the therapist clearly (I didn’t want to write a too long post). The last time we met was in July (maybe June?), then she went on vacation. We were supposed to meet again in August, but she canceled that. Later she called and said that she was sick and canceled all of the remaining appointments. When I called her in September she left me a message saying that she needs to go to rehab because of her injury and that she would get back to me when she recovered. But I haven’t heard from her since then.

She already told me during one of our last meetings that she couldn’t help me any more. She had suggested that I try another form of therapy after this therapy, but later it seemed like she wanted me to start searching for a new therapist immediately. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted another therapy now or if I should take a break from therapy.

I agree with her that therapy had become stagnant. The sessions would be like this: she would ask me: “how do you feel today” and then we would discuss the topic of the day. At the end I think I was talking about the same topics again and again. It turned a bit into a pity party…. I also didn’t meet the goals we had set together. For example, we were working on me structuring my days. The plan was to work for two hours on my uni projects, then have a break and later work two more hours. Later I could expand the hours. It only worked for a few days until I started procrastinating again.

For a time we also tried role plays. I guess it was an attempt of her to turn it more into a behaviour therapy. It usually was more like analytical therapy with me talking a lot about my past, this ex and my problems. I have to admit that I was also afraid to really go out and do things differently. At the beginning I tried more. I tried to speak more in uni, I went to a fair and even helped a professor organize an exhibition for our art class. But about a year ago I got sick for a while. Everything seemed too much and I crawled back into my shell.

What helped me was discussing things with her. I think I was able to understand myself a little better.

It ended a bit unfortunate with her being sick. It didn’t really end at all. Maybe I should have called her again, but with her saying that the therapy wasn’t working and suggesting that I go look for another form of therapy…. I had the fear that maybe she wanted to get rid of me. And there also weren’t many sessions left anyways. So I guess it is over?

About that man. I moved out of this student dormitory in May 2016. After that, it was easier for me to get control of the situation. He talked me into meeting him again some time in May or early June, but after that I didn’t see him anymore (with one exception). He contacted me on facebook, at first I still responded, but then I blocked him. He made new accounts, but I blocked him. In September 2016 he wrote me and then he stopped for almost a year. I thought it was over. But last July he sent me a new message on a new account (saying that he missed me and wanted to be just friends on facebook and that he only wanted to know how I was doing). I didn’t respond and blocked him after a few days. And then in September I accidently met him at the train station. He was persistent as always and didn’t want to let me go. I walked away, but he came along and we more or less talked for a while. Maybe I didn’t handle the situation best, but at least I said I wouldn’t unblock his facebook accounts when he asked me to and then went home. The last time he wrote me was early January, but I immediately blocked him. Now I have him blocked 8 times on facebook (but he deleted his last account, so maybe it’s over now?).

The crazy thing is that I still feel attached to him and even miss him somehow? Some part of me actually wants to respond to him, but I think it would lead to nothing positive.

And about my parents. I don’t live with them, they live quite far away. But they financially support me. That is something I want to change.

I moved into another student dormitory and have my own room, but  a shared kitchen and bathroom.Everything is okay with privacy here. I can go into my room if I want to be by myself.

Sorry if that post turned out too long!

Lily

Hello Mark,

thank you for your reply!

I’m not sure if I want to go back to therapy. Therapy with my old therapist is over, I think. I haven’t heard from her since september and I’m unsure if I want to continue. It seemed like she didn’t want to go on. She said she couldn’t help me any more, only repeat what she already told me. I asked if she would like to end the therapy and she shrugged and said that this is up to me. Then she got sick. But I wish that there was a final talk maybe or a conclusion.

Maybe I should look for a new therapist. This was behaviour therapy, she suggested I try analytical therapy. I’m still undecided if I want this. I have doubts that it can help me.

As for doing things for myself, I wanted to go outside more. Long walks in nature usually make me feel calmer. I also wanted to try running again.

Also because at the moment I feel weird at the dormitory I live. It is nothing big, but I feel I behaved weirdly. Usually I say hello to everyone, but I’m only closer with one or two people. Some time ago I saw one of my flatmates and a friend of hers at the corridor and said hello and they said nothing back. I found it rude and maybe was a bit sulky. Then I said nothing to them for a few days. Later I saw her again and said hello, but she just looked at me and went into her room. And some time later I was in the kitchen doing my dishes when she said something (probably just hello) and I said “what?” in an irritated tone. Since then it has been very weird and I don’t know how to behave around her. I also feel weird around the others now.

It’s just one tiny thing and the problem is maybe that I think too much and I’m too emotional. I wish I could just get a thicker skin. I think my emotional reaction makes everything worse!

This is just one more reason to go out more. So my plan is to at least go out for a walk every day, go more to the library and meet with one of my friends to work on projects together. In the last time I spent too much time alone and I don’t think it’s good for me. I also want to write at least one application a week. So far I haven’t been succesful, but maybe I can go to the library to do that so I have less distraction.

Lily

Dear Jock, Roxanna and Anita,
thank you for trying to help me.
I don’t want to report him. I just want to move out and start over somewhere else. The problem is that it’s not so easy to find an affordable place in this city. I did already call the student union (but didn’t mention my problems) to ask about moving into another dormitory. They put me on the waiting list, but said that they could offer me a place to stay at the earliest in April. But I will probably go and visit my family at the start of february anyways for a while.

I do know that this is not a healthy, normal relationship. That’s why I tried to end it before, but he is so persistent and also made me feel that I did something wrong and treated him badly. So I too often apologized and came back to him. Maybe I also was lonely. The whole situation was just confusing and I did not know how to handle it. Of course, if somebody else told me this story and they were in my place, I also would tell them to get away from this guy and move. But if you’re in this situation yourself, sometimes things aren’t that clear.

Of course, this is all my own fault. I was a real idiot for letting things go that far. I need to learn how to assert myself. My plan is to go to therapy and also maybe to attend a self-defense class.
For now I will just never open my door for this guy again, not talk to him, always lock my door. I already blocked him from facebook, so I will not give him any chance to communicate with me.

Anita, it’s possible that things that happened during my childhood made me act the way I did. I actually never thought too much about my parents not knocking before entering our rooms. My room also was a walk-through room, which might have made my parents respect my privacy even less. If I go to therapy I will bring up this theory, what you are saying makes sence.

It’s also true that I might have been a little desperate and lonely when I met him. As I said I had no sexual experiences before this. I have always been very shy and when I went to a first talk with a therapist last week, they even suggested that I might have social anxiety or avoidant personality disorder. When I went on dates with men before, I got really nervous and scared and ended things quickly. So this time I thought I should give it a try and ignored the warning signs. What could go wrong, I thought. Everything, it turns out. Oh well… At least I learned a few things about myself… Not very nice things, but now I know myself a little better and know what needs to be improved.

Lily

Dear Anita,

I haven’t heard from him or seen him since I sent him this message, last friday. I hope this is the end of it and that I will finally be able to move on now. Still, I’m a bit worried about what will happen when I meet him by chance. Most likely he will blame it all on me and just tell himself that I’m crazy or a slut or whatever. My plan is to just say hello to him, but to not start any conversation. It’s really a problem that we live at the same place! Otherwise I would have been able to end it sooner, I’m sure.

About the thing with the bathroom key: my father is a really pessimistic person. He seems to always expect the worst, is very critical of people and there are few things he likes. It can be difficult to live with him…

What I meant was, that he took the key so that in case of an emergency he could help us. Like, if somebody accidently tripped and fell and broke their leg or something like that.

I think I’m a bit like my father, I also worry a lot. But I’m more tolerant and openminded, I think. But he has become more understanding during the last years, too. At least towards me (he still has his very strong opinions). Maybe it’s because I’m more reasonable myself now.

Thank you again, Lily.

Dear anita,
thank you again for your advice. It really helps me to just write down my thoughts, because I still feel confused.

I know this was not love. Maybe he had feelings for me, but he did not treat me respectfully. And I don’t even know about my own feelings… The whole situation just was too much for me and I did not know how to handle it.

I think for him it’s just completely normal that when a man wants sex, the woman has to give it to him. He could absolutely not understand that I did not feel comfortable with this. I tried to explain it to him many times, but it was of no use! He said he had regretted what he had done to me, but he also said it was not because of me, but because of the sins we had commited according to his religion. He also apologized, but later did the same again.

On one hand, I feel sorry for him, because the rules of his religion and his culture are so strict, that it must be hard for him to live up to this ideal. It’s normal that he wants sex, but if he gets it before marriage, it’s a sin. So it must be kept a secret…

But on the other hand, I hate the way he talks about women and that he can absolutely not see their point of view! He said that german women (I’m from Germany) sleep with everyone. He also seems to expect that his future wife is a virgin, when he himself is not. He even said that he does not want the “garbage” from another man! Well, I don’t know if he was serious about that, because he later said that it was not true and that he just wanted to know what I would say… On other occasions he said that he doesn’t mind if a woman has been with another man, as long as she is honest about it. I don’t know who he really is and what he really believes in? Why does he feel the need to constantly test me?

For me this was the first “relationship” in my life. I’m not that young any more, but I am extremely shy, especially with men… Before this thing I was okay with the fact that I would likely stay alone my whole life… I wonder if I will ever experience a normal relationship in my life? Or if this experience is all I get? But for now, I think it’s better to stay alone. First I need to work on my problems. Even before all of this happened I wanted to go to psychotherapy. Last week I had a first talk with a therapist, but they can only offer me an appointment in 6 – 8 months. So I have to continue looking! I already made a list with therapists to call.

Since I wrote this message to him, he hasn’t knocked on my door or contacted me any more. I hope that means it’s over now! But he also deleted his facebook. Maybe because I wrote that if he was to ever harass me again, I would file a complaint against him. I didn’t want to scare him off facebook, I just wanted him to leave me alone. Because I don’t think anything good will come out of this! And I can’t act like nothing happened and be friends with him now! But I don’t plan on doing anything against him.

I worry a bit about him. And I’m sorry for my share in this failed “relationship”. All the time I think about the things I said to him. Once I even said that he had raped me… But I apologized for it later and said that it wasn’t rape… I constantly blamed him. The whole thing was just toxic and I wish I would have been able to end it sooner! But he also was so persistent! And I was confused. For some time I hoped to at least be friends with him. But when we tried to be friends, it didn’t work! We still did sexual things together, which made me feel uncomfortable, because this was not a real relationship and because he would always pressure me and everything would end up in a huge fight…

I do hope that this over now! I wonder what will happen when I meet him accidently… After all, we live at the same place. I want to move out, but most likely it will take me a few months.

Thank you if you took the time to read all of this…